story and question for the coldhearted

[comote]

I guess this story begins a little over two years ago. I had just broken up with my first
long-term girlfriend, we had been together for almost 3 years. If you were to look up AFC you would have seen my picture. I accepted responsibility for what had happened and looked to improve myself. This led me here.
I began to read everything on this site that I could, as well as many other sites that had similar messages. As time went on I met and dated a handful of women, nothing ever got serious but that was ok as I was still improving myself. All this time I was flirting and joking around with a girl(let’s call her Kim) that I saw pretty much everyday. I would invite her to parties and whatever was going on and she would turn me down everytime. It did not bother me because it was a sort of game and she was just a girl, like any other. Additionally I was having fun, I was going out every weekend partying with friends and meeting hot girls all the time.
Then it happened, Kim said yes when I invited her out. Let me give you some background on Kim, mid-twenties, attractive girl but had never had a boyfriend before because as she put it, she knew she was attracted to the bad-boy type and was a bit scared of bad-boys. She has always had her share of afc’s after her but she was not attracted to them.
She was the perfect match for me, an improving dj. I had enough bad boy in me to provide attraction and enough time to overcome her fear. So we started dating. I, of course had every rule in mind while dating her, I tried to provide challenge and mystery at the same time making sure that she had a good time. I introduced her into the world of sexuality and she loved it. The whole time we dated we both knew something was missing. I just could not put my finger on it. Now Kim is the perfect girlfriend, she is hot, smart, easygoing, sexual, and caring. I can not say there is anything not great about her. As well she is so incredibly into me it makes my head spin. Not to mention in a year we had one fight. My parents adored her when they met and they want me to get back with her.
So what was missing, I don’t know, I am tempted to think that after I was hurt as bad as I was(it was pretty bad), I shut my emotions down. I have numbed myself to the point where I am unable to really love another human being. She felt this and consequently broke up with me. The reason she gave was that it is hurting her being with me, she was falling for me more and more and that made it hurt more that I was not falling for her like she was falling for me.
It broke my heart, mostly because I am upset with myself for hurting her like that. A part of me wanted to tell her that I wanted to be with her, but I could not say it, I am not sure, I miss the single lifestyle and I want to get back to it. So I decided to accept her decision and let her go, it is best for her and probably for me.
I guess the moral of the story and the question I have is this,
Now that I have seen the way and have started on the journey to being a dj and rejected the afc way is it possible to meet a girl that I will fall head over heels for? I am thinking if I was unable to feel that Kim is the one then the other girls won’t stand much of a chance.

 

[bugsquish]

I have been through similar experiences. A 4 year relationship that ended turning me into an afc, and meeting a seemingly perfect girl that I could not fall for because of comparing her to the first girl (that ended and funnily made me more of an afc).

But the general conclusion I made - with the help of this site - is that being "head over heels" is just a romantic illusion. Don't speculate, just enjoy your gift of clarity. Someday you'll meet someone who fills that missing "something". And when you do, it will be because she stimulates you in ways that - deep down - 'kim' didn't. Not because you are "in love".

 

[Quick]

This is a good question. If you really have the DJ attitude and realize that there is no such thing as soul mates or any of that crap, can you ever really be in "love". Part of the mantra of being a DJ is that any woman can be replaced with another woman, and we train ourselves out of thinking of any particular woman as really special or irreplacable.

One thing that you have to realize before we get into this discussion is that you will never love anyone like you did your first time. The first time you did it wholeheartedly, holding nothing back, without a true concept of the repercussions of loving somebody so deeply. The repercussions being that the more you love, the more you get hurt when it's over. Regardless of if people become DJs or not, memory of the pain prevents you from ever loving like you first did. If you live life trying to recreate your first love, you'll be eternally unhappy.

Becoming a DJ is to be stripped of your illusions, and maybe some people don't really want that. I'm sure lots of people would happily take the blue pill. We are with girls for sex, companionship, to procreate and raise a family, instints... The same reasons animals mate, not for some mythical reason called love. The second we truly realize and believe that all girls are replaceable, we lose one of the ingredients in the love potion. We can still feel affection and attachment, but I fear there will always be a part of me denied to future girls.

It makes me pause for a second. Are we doing the right thing here, to deny ourselves the mythical but euphoric world of love? How are the rules of being a DJ any different than other systems and plans that are designed to stop us from being hurt again? That's the underneath purpose of our campaign against one-itis and focus on getting rid of uncompliant girls. We don't develop too much attachment to any one girl, and get rid of troublesome girls because we don't want to be hurt anymore. We want all of the control. As the saying goes, "he who cares the least, wins". Well, i've destroyed the illusion of love, and feel incapable of getting really hurt again, because i'm incapable of caring enough again. I guess I win....

 

[FlyGuy]

I think DJ's can still fall in love. Love to me isn't based on some mystical "soul mate" BS either, and yes any woman can be potentially replaced. But if you develop feelings for a girl, devote time to her, and know who she is on the inside then you realize that every girl is unique and no girl can be 100% replaced aside from the pvssy. Also, just because you can go out and find a new woman any time you need to doesn't mean you can't love the one you are with. You may not ever be able to love the way you did the first time, but you can still form a strong emotional bond that is fulfilling.

Love to me is part of a psychological mechanism for pair bonding, you can potentially fall in love with a large number of women as long as they are compatible to a certain extent with you.

 

[bugsquish]

Originally posted by Quick
One thing that you have to realize before we get into this discussion is that you will never love anyone like you did your first time. The first time you did it wholeheartedly, holding nothing back, without a true concept of the repercussions of loving somebody so deeply. The repercussions being that the more you love, the more you get hurt when it's over. Regardless of if people become DJs or not, memory of the pain prevents you from ever loving like you first did. If you live life trying to recreate your first love, you'll be eternally unhappy.

I'm still pining for my first love deep down, even though I know the truth we should all here know. But seeing it eloquently described in such a fashion helps me put it into perspective even more.

FlyGuy you are describing companionship. Same as you would get with any good friend - just add sex

 

[FlyGuy]

Not really, how can you define love? To me its just one kind of strong emotional attachment among many. You can "love" a lifelong friend even though it wouldn't be the same. I've been in love, but I can't define it through words.

 

[bugsquish]

OK, my definition of IN LOVE

1)Sexual attraction
2)Companionship (friendship?)
3)Infatuation (obsession?)
4)Possessiveness (jealousy?)
5)Inadequacy (thinking you can't do any better)
6)Complacency (thinking you don't HAVE to do any better)

Any I missed?

 

[FlyGuy]

Infatuation is sort of a side-effect of strong sexual/mental attraction, kinda like the "high" of being with someone that makes you feel so good. 4-6 aren't part of love, they are part of laziness and/or insecurity IMO.

1 & 2 are a good start though. There's another element in there that is difficult for me to define, something beyond sexual attraction and something beyond simple friendship. Most just call it love

 

[bugsquish]

Most are lying to themselves My definition is the make up behind the AFC's mythical "in love" romantic ideal. I built this description up from my own experiences (once I stopped lying to myself) and most relationships I see around me day to day between the unenlightened. The point I'm making FlyGuy, is that unknown to most people - their so-called pure feelings are largely made up of just what you mentioned - laziness and insecurity!

 

[FlyGuy]

You're right, I won't argue with you on that. I just wanted to voice the opinion that we can still grow to love a woman despite seeing through this crap (maybe even BECAUSE we see through the B.S.) It is something that you have to allow to happen though.

 

[bugsquish]

Yea, I can see what you're saying too. I understand that the kind of intimacy you get with your girlfriend(s), can generate companionship on a new level (ie. you'd tell your LTGF stuff you wouldn't tell your mates and vice versa). You can therefore love her on a deeper level. But it's still companionship at the end of the day.
I guess I'm just trying to stress that there's a BIG difference between loving somebody (a real concept) at whatever level, and being "in love" with somebody - which is a kiddies fairytale I've seen guys (myself included) do stoooopid things under the guise of being "in love". It's a handy excuse for lunacy.

 

[trajhenkhet]

Give love to the lady that earns it.

 

[comote]

Thanks for the replies everybody. I guess I should explain some things. I guess I am not looking for love, but I am looking for somebody that when I am with her I do not think about trying to get with other girls. So I guess satisfied is a more appropriate word although it makes it sound so cold.
The weird thing is that this all ended yesterday and I am feeling pretty much fine. I have gotten through my day and even enjoyed being alone.
The thing that gets me is that as far as women go this one is everything anybody could want, she has never tried to make me angry, she is very sexy, smart all of this I said before. Yet I still did not feel the desire to want to be with her over other women.

 

[bugsquish]

Maybe the fact that she never challanged you (tried to make you angry) was a bad thing. I reckon guys like a bit of drama too from time to time. Plus, guys are always gonna look elsewhere no matter how much they love their woman. I suspect that this is what makes you a man comote

 

[princelydeeds]

Love is

1 Corinthians 13: 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails

Even if you don't believe in God or the bible I think this defintion of love is pretty amazing. It is love as I would have it for myself. It is the kind of love I seek. The perfect one for me will love me in this way that the bible so eloquently describes.

 

[FlyGuy]

That's another good attempt at defining love but it still doesn't define it, just describes some characteristics of what love is and isn't.

 

[Slickster]

Originally posted by comote
Yet I still did not feel the desire to want to be with her over other women.

If its not there its just not there.

I too have experienced this. With someone who most guys would kill to be and I just don't feel it.

Its weird but like you said there was something missing you just couldn't put your finger on it.

Good post. You definately have me thinking. I am currently seeing someone who I have a great mental connection with but sexually I think that I am still comparing her to my ex. My ex wasn't a very sexual person and it was always me initiating sex. I used to hate it. Now this new chick loves sex and would probably screw me everyday yet I'm just not into it that much.

If this continues to be the case, I too will probably follow your choice and leave her for someone else.

 

[bugsquish]

Well, I didn't define love, just the AFC "in love" concept. Let me try LOVE:

1) Trust (being able to share inner feelings, and believe promises)
2) Companionship (true ease of "being yourself" in each other's company)
3) Understanding (instinctively "knowing" where each other is coming from)
4) Compassion (the desire to share and relieve each other's suffering)
5) Generosity (wanting the best for the other even at expense of self)

Did I miss any?

These are the main points in a loving relationship between any two people. Mother-Daughter, Brother-Sister, Friend-Friend. If you add sex (and perhaps the dreaded monogamy) you get a deeper level. This is my definitinon of True Love.

 

[iqqi]

I think that you described it best when you said that you are numb.

You will always compare girls to your ex that you loved, and they will never be able to compare. Because you loved her. This is not bad, this is wonderful. I mean, wow. That is true love. But now you are alone and in a world of strangers. Now you are forced to meet and experience others. And through these experiences you will develop a new perspective on comparison, and your old love will no longer be the model for it.

It is ok to love her still. It takes a strong man to love.

And when love comes for you, and it will, you will not be able to hide anyways. Love is not a bad thing.

 

[TesuqueRed]

That "something's missing..." is usually an intuitive read and shouldn't be ignored.

The "she is perfect (or nearly so) and such a great match and..." sounds like the other side of you trying to justify it all---and under these terms it is undeniably justified, too.

But that "something's missing" won't explain itself unless you do some digging and won't shut up no matter how much justifying you do.

As noted, you're numb. You may not be able to go into your psyche and root out what it all means for awhile.

I would hesitate to blame yourself that you are incapable of returning love or were hurt before and now you've closed those doors for good, etc.

That's too simple. Because you're numb, you probably can't challenge that and work deeper to examine it adequately. I seriously doubt you're incapable of loving or appreciating or interacting with someone special.

It didn't happen this time--that doesn't make it a rule for you from here on out, no matter what the other side of your mind and your parents say by way of justifications.

You may have internally shut down certain parts of your self--but when you're ready, you won't be capable of keeping it shut down without major self-repression.

When you can, try and define what that "something's missing" was (defining an non-existent thing..??? well...sorry, just playing with the semantics here...) --and do so without blaming yourself.