Stop Being Perfect

[icepick]

Soon after absorbing the material on this site I received an incredible influx of confidence. For the first few months I felt like such an incredible pimp. Girls were flirting with me everywhere I went (let them flirt, I don't have the time for them), I started up conversations whenever I could, and I got my way all the time. My confidence and charisma was through the roof. I was the real "hot shyt" and I was happy and content with my life.

Then, as quickly as this all came, it vanished.

For some reason--unknown to me--all my confidence about women, about life itself, just disappeared. I had brief flashes of it for a while here or there (and tried to keep it going by jotting down a few notes about my current state of mind: my last couple of posts here) but it always eluded me.

I would get pumped up sometimes, and then it would leave.

Before coming to this site I was an AFC, but not the general "nice guy." I was kind of an arsehole, but I would get nervous around girls sometimes and try to impress them in some way. I would get embarrassed a lot, but I had enough composure so that aside from the blushing, no one would know that I was embarrassed.

This site turned me completely around. I was the dominant social animal after hitting this site. I got up in girls faces just daring them to try to seduce my bad arse. I would make them laugh and realize that I was the man. And so on and so on...you know the drill.

Now, as I found myself falling deeper and deeper into wussy AFC emasculation, being ripped apart by my own self-doubt: "was I confident enough there?", "did I respond correctly to that insult?", "did I just try to impress that girl there?" I realized that the mindset that was killing me was the mindset that I secretly thought that I was perfect.

In some way I thought that I had nothing more to learn about women, people, and life. Of course not because I am perfect and you cannot get any better than me! One would think of this attitude and say, "Oh, but that is just confidence, you are very confident icepick! Good for you!"

What a FOOL I was!!! Thinking that you are perfect is NOT confidence. I repeat, thinking that you are perfect is NOT CONFIDENCE.

It is DENIAL, for man is—in no way, shape, or form—perfect.

It is the spirit of complacency, for if you are perfect, what do you have left to fight for? If you think that you are perfect, you think that you have nothing left to learn, and that people should never question your "perfection." This spirit destroys the man in all of us, because as we all know, a man must be striving towards something, always progressing, always fighting and moving forward in the face of adversity, always striving for perfection yet never attaining it.

My warped brain would think:

"Oh, see that girl over there? You must go get her. Tease her for a bit, get her to lust for you. It will be fun."

"But I don't want to. I have better things to do."

"Yeah, you only say that because you are not confident in yourself."

"But I am perfect, this means I have confidence."

"Yeah, but you have no confidence in your ability to procure a woman's lust."

"Of course I have confidence in my ability."

"Oh yeah, prove it."

And I would proceed to go and make a total desperate AFC ass of myself. AND THEN, to top it off, I WOULD ANALYZE WHAT I DID AND IN WHERE I WAS DEFICENT!!! Does THIS sound like a DJ?! Does THIS sound like a MAN?!

What an irony that a man who thinks that he is perfect becomes his own accuser and constantly questions his own assumed "perfection".

Why do AFCs fear rejection? They like to live in their own little fantasy world where they are perfect and no woman will ever reject them.

"Why would a woman reject me (they think secretly) who could reject perfection?"

However, the very nature of this attitude has as a side effect, major underlying insecurity issues.

True confidence is to openly accept what is bad and wrong about you, and to attempt to change it into something good. To hell with those that don’t like what you have to offer.

Sure, it probably has been said before, but I realize why now.

Now I am not terribly religious, but I am pretty well read in the subject, so I will say this:

The man who makes himself perfect is the same man who makes himself God. There was another being who tried to make himself God: Satan. Satan reveled in his perfection; he let pride get the best of him. You know what "Satan" is also called in the bible? The Accuser. Hmm…coincidence? You wanna know what "666" symbolizes: man making himself God; that is man making himself perfect. It's in the Bible folks (not the DJ one, but the best-seller one.) don't think you are perfect.

I say that I will stop being perfect. I say I will evolve. Let the chips fall where they may.

 

[Cuffer]

Dude, you've so got it right there man. I'm in the same boat as you. That just gave my a whole new outlook on what i should be.

 

[sookie]

Your post is sound, and I see what you are trying to say. However, your logic seems contradictory.

You say that we cannot try and be perfect. At the same time, you say we must accept our flaws and work toward improvement in order to build true self-confidence.

On the one hand, you say to assume superiority is like building a house of cards in the wind: it will blow down. On the other hand, you say we must look within ourselves and acknowledge that we are imperfect. I cannot see how this helps build true self-confidence.

I agree that one cannot assume perfection, yet to say we are imperfect and constantly strive toward improvement is faulty too, as we will constantly be looking for wrongs within ourselves to try and "fix" even if no such problem exists.

Most likely, I misinterpreted your post. It's just a little hard for me to reconcile. A little clarification would go a long way.

Otherwise, great post.

 

[Dimebag_Darrell]

Man, that crap happens to every guy out there who gets on these sites and reads all this great sh*t but the thing that nobody told us is that we need to condition our inner self first before going out and applying this stuff because you inner self is what gives you true unadultered confidence. This post seriously needs to be put on a sticky somewhere and made to be read by all newbies before they have to find out the hard way and unlearning a belief isn't exactly a walk in the park.

Great post man!

 

[tactic]

The man who makes himself perfect is the same man who makes himself God. There was another being who tried to make himself God: Satan. Satan reveled in his perfection; he let pride get the best of him. You know what "Satan" is also called in the bible? The Accuser. Hmm…coincidence? You wanna know what "666" symbolizes: man making himself God; that is man making himself perfect. It's in the Bible folks (not the DJ one, but the best-seller one.) don't think you are perfect.

good post

 

[Void]

Right on, I just found that out by myslef today. I was thinking, I AM SO CONFIDENT, BUT WHY AM I NOT GETTING GIRLS? And I realized that confidence isn't just knowing your the best, but willing to improve yourself to go the extra length.

Let me explain.

I am a man of GREAT confidence, one willing to go as far as I can now to achieve what I wish--- and I do better everyday. I know find myself matched up with the "jocks" in the school. I'm short-average height, I don't like it, so now I'm in the process of trying to get taller (if you want to, search Human Growth Hormone on google, I'm going to the doctor to see if I need it.) I also want to become on the varsity football team so what am I doing? I'm working out everyday, even during winter break to get their.

See, the key to anything is trying hard, even though it may not seem that these "players" are, they are. They're trying hard at what gets them girls, basketball, weight lifting, etc. The girls are an EXTRA to their accomplishments on their focus in life.

But IN ORDER to get the girls, they STILL MUST go for them. After they go for these girls, then its a win or loss situation.

If you're still trying hard in life with confidence, you'll probably get the girl.

Nothing is guaranteed though, just better odds.

 

[BrotherAP]

I have discovered confidence in many things. Confidence can be so elusive because it cannot exist without a context - you need something tangible to be confident in. You must ground your confidence on something real.

There are many things that you can do this. A rich man bases his confidence on his money, a good looking man on his looks. After reading this website, a lot of men base their confidence on their ability to pull women.

The problem with all of these is that they are external factors that can change unexpectedly or be disregarded by others. When an attractive person who has based their confidence on their looks is made to feel like they are not attractive, or somebody doens't respond to their looks, then their confidence is shattered. The same thing goes for a rich man who loses his fortune or tries to hit on a girl who doens't care about money.

The most fragile guy, however, is the one who has based his confidence on his ability to pick up women, because each encounter with women has the potential to shatter his confidence. You become over critical of your own ability to pull girls because you have based your confidence on that very ability - ironically, confidence that is needed in order to pull them. When you start to doubt that a pickup is going well, then your confidence suffers as you doubt your ability, and this confidence hit is where you really mess up. This is what people call 'fake confidence', because it disappears when a girl hints at rejection.

Shyt tests are the way for girls to weed out the last type of guy. They reject him casually, and watch as he tanks. Had he been basing his confidence on something else, this rejection from her would not have anny effect on him, and he could respond un-emotionally and plow through.

What, then, is a man to base his confidence on?

I'd actually like to see this discussed. I'm still debating.

Right now I'm having good success placing a strong belief in my ambition and willingness to improve. If I'm out of shape today, I know what to do to get in shape for tomorrow. If my social skills are lacking, then I can improve them. If I'm broke, I can work hard to make money. Whatever it is that I want, I can work to get it. I am confident in my potential. This confidence is not easy for a girl to shatter by her rejecting me, because it has nothing to do with women.

What are your favorite things to base confidence on?

 

[wheelin&dealin]

Confidence is a starting point. It is a belief you have about yourself. The rest goes as follows:

Belief -> Action -> Results

Action is where most struggle.

 

[BrotherAP]

Originally posted by wheelin&dealin
Confidence is a starting point. It is a belief you have about yourself. The rest goes as follows:

Belief -> Action -> Results

Action is where most struggle.

I think people struggle with action because they base their confidence on imagined results, therefore if going through with the action fails to produce the expected results, then they have proven the belief wrong - and people simply can't handle aknowledging a misplaced belief

So the real problem isn't that they're struggling with action, it's that they already screwed up the belief that the action depends on.

If they had confidence in line, then they would not hesitate before the action.

 

[DarkLight]

I got to agree w. BrotherAP, in that confidence based on the expectation of a certain outcome, in the external world... like money, women, sports etc. is FAKE confidence.

Its actually just your confidence in the knowledge to have a certain outcome. You are betting on the probabilities of a certain action, to have a certain reaction... thus you feel confident in that expectation.

This is NOT true confidence.

As life is a mystery, and it is at the whim of life to either be maintaned or shattered.

True Confidence as my experience tells me, is TRUST IN SELF!

No matter what the outcome, it doesn't matter... cause if your still trusting in yourself, whats the difference what happens on the periphary.

Your no longer banking on any certain expectation, therefore no scenario can let you down.

Your forever trusting in yourself, in your potential in your value, thus nothing can destroy you. It is not based on anything but itself.

So long as you don't break the trust in yourself... nothing else can!



SuaveOn'
-DarkLight-

 

[thefonz]

Originally posted by BrotherAP

What, then, is a man to base his confidence on?

Right now I'm having good success placing a strong belief in my ambition and willingness to improve. If I'm out of shape today, I know what to do to get in shape for tomorrow. If my social skills are lacking, then I can improve them. If I'm broke, I can work hard to make money. Whatever it is that I want, I can work to get it. I am confident in my potential. This confidence is not easy for a girl to shatter by her rejecting me, because it has nothing to do with women.

BrotherAP speaks sweet words, People give all kinds of advice on confidence and how to get it, but this advice reaches into the core of the concept giving us all a solid unconditional source of self-esteem.

I think people struggle with action because they base their confidence on imagined results, therefore if going through with the action fails to produce the expected results, then they have proven the belief wrong - and people simply can't handle aknowledging a misplaced belief

So the real problem isn't that they're struggling with action, it's that they already screwed up the belief that the action depends on.

If they had confidence in line, then they would not hesitate before the action.

Very true.

Edit: Any other sources of unconditional confidence?

 

[wheelin&dealin]

Alot of people think they're great. Very few people prove they're great.

 

[Thomas94305]

The most fragile guy, however, is the one who has based his confidence on his ability to pick up women, because each encounter with women has the potential to shatter his confidence.

This is so true. This fragile guy has given the woman sooooo much power over his life. He's handed her the ability to trash him for things that could even be absolutely silly. This has all sorts of bad consequences... For one thing, he's opened himself up to abusive women, because he has difficulty just walking away. And, eventually, some woman some where will reject any particular man. Just like some man some where will reject any particular woman.

Faith is one source of confidence and stability.. at the end of the day, I have God and God has me..and no woman can take that away. What do I profit in "serving" a woman who's so fickle that one day she's into me, the next she's into an abusive troll.. and throughout, she did not demonstrate character to me?

Women do have a "right" to reject, just like we have the right to "next". But, they have no right to tell us what to make of their actions. When I approach a woman, I'm not afraid to let her know I'm "interested". But, an initial interest is all the further I go with things. I won't give her anything more than this initial interest, unless she gives something in return. And, I own my attraction, if she plays games with it, I can withdraw that attraction.

In the end, this is not about getting every girl. This is about finding matches. We may not like the same activities.. she may want someone more chubby, whereas I stay in shape.. she may want someone taller.. can't change that, but I can talk with other women. Her happiness is not my responsibility; my responsibility is to act with decency around her, that's all. If one woman does not match, no big deal. I own my social skills, and can talk with others. Sure, I have my flaws. But, it's up to God and I as to what to make of those. I respect a woman's right to decide if she wants to hang with me. I do not see that she has the right to judge me, if I'm a valued person, etc. I know where God stands on this.. should I accept His word on this, or her's?

 

[Julian]

i can truly relate to this post and it has helped me realized my thought process when im out in the world.

Thinking you are superior and that you possess unrivaled knowledge is really a vicious trap to fall into.

 

[oOh Nasty]

great advice and absolutley non-cliche. i always believed in the philosophy that the key to great wisdom and knowledge is accepting the fact that you know nothing. this is quite a spiritual and eye-opening post.

thank you.

 

[Gubby]

Pook's post "Perfect is Boring!" makes a good point. "Perfect is boring, to be human is beautiful". I love that phrase. It's changed my thinking. I'm going to carry it with me for the rest of my life

Think about it, almost everything that is thought of as "beautiful" is imperfect in some way. Nature itself, though it follows an blueprint of mathematical symettry, is pierced with chaos.

Everyone's imperfect. And if you ever meet a person who SEEMS perfect, you feel uneasy because some part of you knows he is hiding something.

You don't want to be perfect... you want to be happy.

 

[grr]

Words like perfection, confidence, and addiction are dangerous to the human psyche. Its easy to mistake them for implying an absolute state, when we all know progress is the name of the game. Just focus in on the moment.

 

[GloriouslyInsane]

"I say that I will stop being perfect. I say I will evolve. Let the chips fall where they may."

What the poster is trying to say in my opinion (and in tyler durden's ) is this.

"I have the best couch the best clothes etc therefore im perfect"<- from the movie
"I know techniques,i am confident,i know what to say,what to wear,i know sex techniques etc therefore im perfect"<- For dj's

Note the "i say evolve!" part
"Having crappy house,no furniture,crappy clothes but being who YOU WANT to be"<- from the movie
"Understand the dynamics in relationships.What you say,how you act naturally is how you should speak/act"<- for dj's

The way i see it is that we should stop trying to be "perfect" by acquiring and implementing all this knowledge or trying to be better than the best in one area just to be better but focus on what we need and truly want.

 

[I love Hyori Lee]

Great post.


Icepick are you a religious man?

 

[playa99]

BUMP, Great post on avoiding complacency.