Still struggling after being in the pick up game for a while

[Deicide]

Hi. I've been in this cold approach pick up game for a while and I'm still struggling, like always, for some reason. I'm a success in everything else except this. Men like and respect me. But this cold approach thing eludes me. I can get laid through social circle and online game, but I want more. And I want the kind of women I want, not just ones I find sexually attractive that I can do better.

Tonight I went out to a small town bar with no expectations. Just approach, try to keep the conversation going, and get a number. Try to escalate to a lay if possible, but don't overthink. I talked to a group of girls for about 20 minutes, but I still got a soft rejection "My phone number is unlisted". And I heard their group make fun of me a few times also(not to my face).
Last night, was out at a casino, and approached a group again. Kept talking, but got rejected in a soft way again.

My biggest fears in field are these:Getting a threatening boyfriend or man trying to beat me up and having a girl or group of girls tell me to **** off and harshly reject me.
My nerves go from high to moderate depending on how I feel beforehand. I felt really nervous tonight and moderately nervous last night. Sometimes I feel a cold sense of terror before I approach. I don't know how to get over this, and I have a fear of not performing to my expectations also(running out of things to say).
RSD recommends going out 4 times a week, but I've been in a small town, so my cold approach pick-up growth has been stunted due to lack of opportunities.

I know some will say lift weights and get in shape. Did that. Take a break from pick-up? Did it a few times. Anything else except finding a wingman I've done. The good thing is I can still take rejection like no other, since I get rejected so much anyways. So I have the iron will, just need the right mentality to where I don't feel like I may be walking into a situation where I may get beat up or get in legal trouble. That's the way I used to feel about night game.

I'm thinking about just trying to go out as much as possible and maybe my nerves will have less of an impact on me. What type of advice would you give me? I think my mentality needs to be stronger. I just come from a sheltered environment growing up that I didn't get to experience the harsher side of things, like I do now in my adult years.

 

[Deicide]

I think part of the problem has been that I've been filtering myself for women too much. My personality is much more outlandish and crazy than the way I present myself to women, I'm actually tame and trying to be normal when I talk to women, and it didn't work so well. I guess I should just try and have fun at the night game venues, even if I turn off some women being my true self.

 

[zekko]

RSD recommends going out 4 times a week, but I've been in a small town, so my cold approach pick-up growth has been stunted due to lack of opportunities.

I've seen this question come up on RSD enough that I can tell you what they would say: "Dude, you have to be going out to clubs. Either move to a bigger city NOW or drive to the nearest city and get your club experience that way".

Of course, the problem with going out of town to practice pickup is that if you do find a good prospect, managing long distance hookups rarely work out.
Also, if you like to drink, you increase your risk of getting picked up for a DUI if you travel that far without a designated driver.

Anything else except finding a wingman I've done.

Maybe you should try that, it might take some of the pressure off of you.

I'm thinking about just trying to go out as much as possible and maybe my nerves will have less of an impact on me.

I live in a fairly small town and this is what I did (when I was a young man). I just went out as often as possible, took every opportunity to get out and socialize, whether it was the bar/club setting or parties. I think I had an advantage in that I had never heard of pickup gurus or anything like that. I wasn't going out with the intent to be a PUA, I just wanted to improve myself socially (including with the ladies, of course).

I think part of the problem has been that I've been filtering myself for women too much. My personality is much more outlandish and crazy than the way I present myself to women, I'm actually tame and trying to be normal when I talk to women, and it didn't work so well. I guess I should just try and have fun at the night game venues, even if I turn off some women being my true self.

I think this is a big key to the whole thing, and the value of the advice "Be Yourself". I've always thought Be Yourself is great advice. Which doesn't mean be a shy AFC guy who is afraid of women. Rather, it means being relaxed enough to let your real personality show through. When you're nervous, your personality and conversation doesn't flow naturally, and you won't make the funny witty remarks that you'd come up with if you were more relaxed.

 

[Deicide]

I've seen this question come up on RSD enough that I can tell you what they would say: "Dude, you have to be going out to clubs. Either move to a bigger city NOW or drive to the nearest city and get your club experience that way".

Of course, the problem with going out of town to practice pickup is that if you do find a good prospect, managing long distance hookups rarely work out.
Also, if you like to drink, you increase your risk of getting picked up for a DUI if you travel that far without a designated driver.


Maybe you should try that, it might take some of the pressure off of you.


I live in a fairly small town and this is what I did (when I was a young man). I just went out as often as possible, took every opportunity to get out and socialize, whether it was the bar/club setting or parties. I think I had an advantage in that I had never heard of pickup gurus or anything like that. I wasn't going out with the intent to be a PUA, I just wanted to improve myself socially (including with the ladies, of course).


I think this is a big key to the whole thing, and the value of the advice "Be Yourself". I've always thought Be Yourself is great advice. Which doesn't mean be a shy AFC guy who is afraid of women. Rather, it means being relaxed enough to let your real personality show through. When you're nervous, your personality and conversation doesn't flow naturally, and you won't make the funny witty remarks that you'd come up with if you were more relaxed.

Thanks for the advice. Basically, I just need to let my personality flow and come out, even if it doesn't get many or any girls. And, go out whenever, but don't make it a chore.

I know guys here that go to a local city an hour away every weekend, but that's not the best solution.

 

[TonyBaloney]

I would say that a wingman would help alot.

In those situations, guys on their own get it alot tougher.

A good possible way of getting a wingman is going to dating events, and speaking to some of the other dudes, and seeing if any of them are sound guys.

It picks up ur game when u have someone else to bounce off of.

Tony

 

[LostAndConfused]

Get over those pickup fears and then we'll talk. Women have an evolved ability to distinguish weak men from strong

 

[Jeffst1980]

Cold approach pickup is HARD. You are always going to lose points for being a stranger, and a lot of girls are going to shut you down unless you generate major social proof.

We really need more details to determine what you're doing wrong. I have a feeling that you're coming off a bit too eager and outcome dependent with these girls, and that's what's turning them off.

Going direct works great if you are TRULY an alpha; otherwise, it can work against you. I'd say try experimenting with indirect for now and see what happens.

Try opening groups over your shoulder and acting a bit more disinterested to start. Experiment with *gentle* negs and teasing, and see if the girl responds in flirtatious manner or asks you a personal question. If so, start to show a bit more interest, but continue flirting. Don't give any serious answers until she shows a real interest in getting to know you.

If you don't feel like you're gaining any attraction after teasing her a bit, just eject and find a new set.

It would help if you posted audio or a transcript.

 

[Chamber36]

You can try subtle IOI's once a girl IOI's you, but that's doomed to failure IMO. It's too outcome dependent.

You aren't supposed to give a **** if a girl IOI's you. Your IOI's have to be ambiguous and non decypherable. Your interest should never be made clear.

You can be yourself when it comes to girls, you just need to keep calibration in mind. When you just meet a girl you can't let her know too much about yourself, you can't lean in too much, got to make your vocal projection clear, you can't show your intentions, and everything has to be calibrated.

It's all about tonality and body language really. If you got those covered you can have as much fun as you want and attract ladies. From then you just somehow play cat n mouse with them, be mysterious and vibe the girl.

 

[sighsigh]

You need to minimize the neediness as much as possible. You are nervous because you are outcome-dependent. That is needy. And believe me, girls can sense that neediness. (Might want to use some alcohol or something to solve this).

Also, understand that cold approaching isn't for everyone. When you cold approach you've chosen to give the woman a tiny window in which to ascertain your value. The only thing she can really ascertain in that small time is your looks and maybe some of your personality. So if you aren't strong in the relevant areas, cold approaching isn't going to go well for you. This reality doesn't make you any less of a man... it just means your value is constrained in areas which don't lend themselves well to cold approaching.

Plus, don't do things that lower your chances. Like, approaching a group of girls is a bad idea, because it's probable that at least one will decide to c*ck-block you. Only approach single girls. And, don't approach in places like bars or casinos. Everyone has their shields up in those places. Approach in friendly places... like a mall or supermarket or library.