Still hung up on ex: Help!

[ZeeOwl]

Originally posted by Starman
I dont recommend sending the photo in snail mail..see if you can find her email..because even with snail mail..there is no guarantee she will respond to you

eMail would be really difficult, if she even has one. I've already tried doing an internet search. No go. The only way I could get it would be to ask her dad for it. But I don't think that would look good... Besides, she knows she never gave it to me, so it would be obvious I tracked her down. She knows that I have her postal address & phone #. Just for curiousity, why do you think eMail is better than snail-mail, since she may not respond to that either? She didn't answer the last letter I sent her. Though I mentioned I was in a LTR, so that may have something to do with it. Which reminds me, if I do bump into her, should I keep quiet about the fact that I'm now single?

this is a really awkward situation..because you want to make it seem like you made no effort to track her down...as if you have no interest in her..but just happened to get in touch with her ..

Tell me about it.

Like I said..Ive called my ex's before..and they immediately knew something was funny when I called..

I agree, knowing her especially, her defense sheild would go up instantly (she's kinda paranoïd, has had some wacko bf's, I actually met one).

The running into her would be perfect..

if you really have your mind set out to do this..Im sure you can make the effort to find out where she will be at a certain time

Definitely perfect. I just don't feel like getting a job at the mall, the last time I saw her there was 3 years ago. I don't want to rush this anyways, because my DJ skills still need work. I'll do some research. She doesn't know what my new car looks like. I'll see what I can do. But I don't want to stalk her either...

When you bumped into your ex, how did you start the convo? I can't use standard DJ approach, since I already know her.

 

[Starman]

When I just bumped into my ex..#1 ..I just met her at a club..she yelled my name to wave hello..then we met up..did the small talk .. then said "I gotta go ! gimmie a call sometime!"

and she called me a week later..

Ex #2 I called because I heard she had a death in the family..so I pretended to be the caring friend..as an excuse to call her..we had a few laughs..and I gave her my # number..and told her to call me if she needs anything,..she never called and I never called her back..

Thats a good idea..do some research and plan this thing out...I personally think nothing will come of it..so if you wanna take a 50/50 chance..send her the pictures or video

 

[ZeeOwl]

Originally posted by Starman
When I just bumped into my ex..#1 ..I just met her at a club..she yelled my name to wave hello..then we met up..did the small talk .. then said "I gotta go ! gimmie a call sometime!"

and she called me a week later..

After much thought, the "accidental meeting" is the only way to go. I'm going to have to do some quick & effective DJing on the spot though, because just small talk & telling her to call me isn't likely to work with her. Even if she is interested, she's unlikely to call because she won't want to look like she is. Any suggestions to counter that?

Thats a good idea..do some research and plan this thing out...I personally think nothing will come of it..so if you wanna take a 50/50 chance..send her the pictures or video

This is going to take a lot of research, info & DJ skill wise. I don't think it's likely to work either. I estimate odds at 5%, though what Leykis said boosts my confidence level, so maybe 10%. But like I said, I really need to try this or I'll just keep wondering. I might send the video as a follow-up move. Last news she got on me, I was in a LTR. When I "bump into her", should I keep my mouth shut about being single now?

 

[Leykis]

The fact that your wasting so much time and effort on this is not good.

If you are so hung up on this girl it is impossible to get back with her without a major AFC relapse resulting in you getting dumped again. You need to forget about her. You need to read the Bible. You need to F other chicks!

To be honest all this "chance" meeting nonsense sounds stalkerish.

If you cant call a girl up and expect that she will want to spend time with you, you have NO CHANCE.

I have an ex from my AFC days that I hook up with now and again. The only way this works is that she is an attention ***** who cant stand not getting attention from me. So I use this to my advantage and give her zero attention, (i.e bang other chicks, dont ever call, neg hit her when she calls), until she finally breaks, sleeps with me, and watches me walk out the door the next day. I only do this mind you 3 or 4 times a year and most importantly I do it for fun, and a good lay. NEVER do I consider turning this into an LTR. As much as she may say she wants to I would never. Why? Because she feeds on AFC's. She needs an AFC and can have nothing but AFC's. That is of course a steady supply of many AFC's that she uses and discards. I can only get away with this because the only feeling that I have for her is lust.

I apologize if I gave you the idea that an LTR is possible with an ex from you AFC days. It is not.

 

[ZeeOwl]

Originally posted by Leykis
The fact that your wasting so much time and effort on this is not good.

If you are so hung up on this girl it is impossible to get back with her without a major AFC relapse resulting in you getting dumped again. You need to forget about her. You need to read the Bible. You need to F other chicks!

I know this isn't they ideal situation. I tried the "just forget about it" approach, and it didn't work. I'm not even sure if I want to get back with her. My intention for the moment is just to make contact. I'll see what happens next... This looks like a long term project anyways. I haven't put my dating on hold. And I'll keep studying. If it gets too complicated I may just drop it.

To be honest all this "chance" meeting nonsense sounds stalkerish.

Yeah, I know... I won't go overboard on it.

If you cant call a girl up and expect that she will want to spend time with you, you have NO CHANCE.

Probably true. But if do nothing, I'll just keep wondering.

I apologize if I gave you the idea that an LTR is possible with an ex from you AFC days. It is not.

I'm not thinking LTR. The impression I did get is if I play my cards really well, that there's a chance I can at least have a conversation with her. That's all I want for now.

 

[Leykis]

If you want to talk to her. Call her. Ask her out.

If she denies you.

Thats it, done!

 

[ZeeOwl]

Originally posted by Leykis
If you want to talk to her. Call her. Ask her out.

If she denies you.

Thats it, done!

That approach would probably work on a normal woman. Even if she would like to see me, she'll likely say she doesn't. One word: ego. She won't want me to know she has any interest. I know how she thinks.

If I'm standing in front of her, she won't run away. One word: ego. She won't want me to think I intimidate her either. I want to talk to her face to face, not on the phone. I need to confront this once and for all. I could try the "What are you afraid of?" ploy, but she might not bite, she's very smart.

Besides, my game still needs work. I don't want to have a wussy relapse when I'm in front of her. Got to know if she's single too. Which I'll find out subtly the next time I run into her dad.

Since this is a woman I already know well, and not a chick I just met, should I still keep my mouth shut about being single now? (The last news she heard, I was in a LTR). If she asks personal questions, should I be evasive like with a stranger, or straight up?

 

[JustDoItAlways]

She divorced you when you had three kids together. And you were presumably good to her and the kids.

Do you know how much she must have literally hated to be in your prescence for that to have happened. Think about it.

I'm not trying to be mean here but those very strong negative feelings that she had at that time are still with her or will shortly return if you get back together.

Couples that divorce and then get back together again, have close to an 100% divorce rate the second time around. That is because of the above.

 

[ZeeOwl]

Originally posted by JustDoItAlways
She divorced you when you had three kids together.

Couples that divorce and then get back together again, have close to an 100% divorce rate the second time around.

Lol. No no no. She's not my ex-wife. She's an ex-girlfriend that I met two years after my divorce. Re-read the story. And I certainly don't want to marry her. I just want to talk to her.

 

[bp1974]

And I certainly don't want to marry her. I just want to talk to her.

No you don't:

I would like to take a shot at getting back together with her.

My point being, hiding your desires will get you nowhere except back into oneitis land.

 

[NewMan]

I don't understand why your wasting all of your energy on this chick?

There' ssomething your not telling us, other wise why the Fvck would you only want to talk to her? You don't want an LTR with her.... so I don't get it. Why waste time and energy? Why sink your emotional feelings into all of this (because no matter what you say, you are).

What are you going to get out of this? nothing but a short conversation AT THE MOST - and if your really unlucky, you'll end up Fvcking her, or going out with her, and opening up all of those scars that took so long to heel.

Women live for this bull****. Some calling them out of the past - it's a big ego trip for them. Don't give her the pleasure - just go about your days and forget about it.

AND as a final thought - why are you worried if you tell her that your in an LTR or not? what difference does it make - you don't want an LTR with this woman?

 

[ZeeOwl]

Originally posted by bp1974
I would like to take a shot at getting back together with her.

My point being, hiding your desires will get you nowhere except back into oneitis land.

I said I didn't want to marry her. Actually, I don't want to marry anyone. Seriously, I'm not so sure about that original statement anymore. I do want to talk to her. That part I'm sure about. After that, I'll take it as it comes. If anything comes of it, which I admit is unlikely.

 

[Matt ala Casanova]

Originally posted by ZeeOwl
I said I didn't want to marry her. Actually, I don't want to marry anyone. Seriously, I'm not so sure about that original statement anymore. I do want to talk to her. That part I'm sure about. After that, I'll take it as it comes. If anything comes of it, which I admit is unlikely.

I would go to her house and just say "Look i'm not in the neighborhood nor am I lost, but I wanted to say hello and how you are doing these days."

Writing a letter is fruitless....just take a chance. If you know she is home, then see her.

Just don't act all crazy about it.

If you can see her, then act subtle about things, you half miss her but half just wanted to see what she is doing.

M.A.C.

 

[ZeeOwl]

Originally posted by NewMan
There's something your not telling us, other wise why the Fvck would you only want to talk to her? You don't want an LTR with her.... so I don't get it. Why waste time and energy? Why sink your emotional feelings into all of this (because no matter what you say, you are).

What are you going to get out of this? nothing but a short conversation AT THE MOST - and if your really unlucky, you'll end up Fvcking her, or going out with her, and opening up all of those scars that took so long to heel.

The feelings are already there. This is a make or break tactic, because "just forget it" isn't working. I don't have a set game plan. The only thing I'm sure I want is a face-to-face conversation with her. Whatever happens after that (if anything) is fine by me. Except marrying her, or having sex with her because I don't do ONS. I'm sure I'll be fine with the scars.

Women live for this bull****. Some calling them out of the past - it's a big ego trip for them. Don't give her the pleasure - just go about your days and forget about it.

I know that, especially with this one. That's why I will not call her.

AND as a final thought - why are you worried if you tell her that your in an LTR or not? what difference does it make - you don't want an LTR with this woman?

Because I've never been in this type of situation before. I just want to know what the best way to handle it is.

 

[ZeeOwl]

Originally posted by Matt ala Casanova
I would go to her house and just say "Look i'm not in the neighborhood nor am I lost, but I wanted to say hello and how you are doing these days."

Just take a chance. If you know she is home, then see her.

Just don't act all crazy about it.

If you can see her, then act subtle about things, you half miss her but half just wanted to see what she is doing.

That's actually pretty good. There are only 2 possible complications I see with it:

A) Dropping by intentionally would appeal to her ego-wh*ring side, and she might be tempted to capitalize on it. Any ideas on how I could defuse that?

B) Her kids are likely to be there, and I'm not sure what kind of effect seeing me would have on them. They really loved me, and I don't want to mess them up. They've had enough heartbreaks as it is. Unless I wait until school starts, which isn't that far off...

 

[WaterTiger]

ZeeOwl....don't do this to yourself. Let this chick go. I know it's hard, and "what if" is a strong narcotic.

You've already stated that you don't want to marry her, don't want a LTR, aren't much interested in her for sex, so you want her back for....??? What? Revenge? Just to see if you can? Show her what she's missing? It's not going to be worth it. She's going to cause you grief. Let it go.

 

[ZeeOwl]

Originally posted by WaterTiger
ZeeOwl....don't do this to yourself. Let this chick go. I know it's hard, and "what if" is a strong narcotic.

You've already stated that you don't want to marry her, don't want a LTR, aren't much interested in her for sex, so you want her back for....??? What? Revenge? Just to see if you can? Show her what she's missing? It's not going to be worth it. She's going to cause you grief. Let it go.

Thanks for looking out for me sis. I appreciate the gesture. She won't cause me grief, no matter how she reacts, I'm confident of that.

What I want out of this? In female terms, at base minimum:- closure. I want to confront her. Well not her as such... my fear, and the big ?. I'm tired of dragging that "what if" around, and I want to get rid of it.

No I don't want to marry her. It's nothing personal, I don't want to marry anyone. Not interested in just jumping her either because I don't do ONS. Revenge or show her what she's missing... If you'd asked me that a year ago I would have lied if I'd said no. But not anymore. I didn't mean that I don't want an LTR. I mean't that I don't want an LTR, or STR or whatever. I want to talk to her in person. No set plans after that. I'll deal with whatever happens, if anything.

 

[ZeeOwl]

Originally posted by Matt ala Casanova
I would go to her house and just say "Look i'm not in the neighborhood nor am I lost, but I wanted to say hello and how you are doing these days."

A) Dropping by intentionally would appeal to her ego-wh*ring side, and she might be tempted to capitalize on it. Any ideas on how I could defuse that?

Forget that last question. I have a solution. If she goes off on an ego trip and tries to make me feel like a chump, I'll say "I'm dissapointed that you haven't grown up any in all this time. When you feel like having an adult conversation with me, you know where to find me. Same address as before, same phone number." And I'll leave. How's that?

I'll wait until school starts. That will solve the kids problem. If they were there she'd be less likely to act like an idiot, but I just don't want to get their hopes up. I know how kids can be, I have some.

Thanks everybody. I think I have all bases covered now. If anyone else has additional insight or experience, it's still welcome though.

 

[1utfan1]

Originally posted by ZeeOwl
If anyone else has additional insight or experience, it's still welcome though.

Well Z, there's not much I can add but I agree with the 'forget her and move on' advice. Your initial post says your still in love with her but it isn't mutual as she dumped you. That coupled with the emotional problems you says she has why on earth would you want to put yourself back in that spot? Your time would be better spent trying out your DJ skills on other women.

 

[ZeeOwl]

Update.

I ran into her dad today. I hadn't seen him in about a year, so we had a lot of chit-chatting to catch up on. He gave me tons of unsolicited info. Senior citizens like to talk.

I got some really surprising intelligence which forces me to re-adjust my game plan, and even my goal/motivation here. At this point, considering what I learned, and my developing dating situation, all I want out of the encounter is to talk to her.

The dirt
She has a boyfriend. Don't know how long ago it started, but it seems pretty serious as they bought a house together. I say seems, because for her, that's not such a big deal to undo. She's been through that a few times. House is probably in her name, the phone listing is...

Surprise #1: Her boyfriend works in Ontario (300 km away), and only comes home on weekends. This is quite out of character for her, as she's rather needy and cligny emotionally and affectionately. I remember her ranting continously about her previous (just before me) boyfriend, and how she would have to twist his arm to come see her at least once during the week (he lived 20km away), and not just weekends.

Mega-surprize #2: 4 months ago, she had another kid. Yep, a 6th one, with this new boyfriend of her's (the 5 previous ones are from 4 other guys). Mega-surprize because when she was with me, she was saying that she didn't want any more, 5 was enough work, and she was serious. Apparently, this was an "accident". So were the 5 others. And she's 41 now, so that makes it even tougher.

To top it all off, this guy is supporting her, the new baby, and 3 of her previous kids (1 is living with her father, and the oldest moved in with her boyfriend). He's not rich, because they live in a rather modest house. Just enough to get by probably. So he's working like an idiot in another province for weekend sex? Hopefully, he's getting a little action over there... I know she's good, but this guy is an AFC-desperado. I'm being cynical here, because I fully realize that that AFC could have been me! Knowing her remarkable budgeting skills, I could probably make just enough to be in this guy's shoes. That's a scary thought... Though at least I'd be getting sex every day. haha! I'm sure she's not using him as a cash cow (well not exclusively), because she's very independant financially. She'd rather be on welfare than supported by a guy that doesn't meet her requirements. I'm actually surprised that she even agreed to this. When we were together, we'd considered this possibility, but she decided she didn't want to do it, because she didn't want to depend on someone else for income.

Well, since they had a kid and bought a house together, she'll probably keep him around for at least several more months. I don't feel like waiting that long to talk to her. So I'll just show up on a weekday when the kids are at school, and her new AFC is away at work. The baby actually makes things easier. She's much less likely to act like a bltch, even if she does have a boyfriend. I'm thinking a Thursday, maximum loneliness, but no anticipation yet... hehe

I have some other personal stuff to take care of first though. Want to eliminate all other sources of stress before I talk to her. About 2 or 3 weeks. I'll keep you posted...

P.S. Thanks for the concern Bro J., it's mucho appreciated. In the current context, whether I'm still in love with her or not is irrelevant. But I know I'm not. I do care about her, but I'm not in love. I was in a highly emotional state when I wrote that original post. My current relationship was falling apart. And the main reason was that what I'd had with this ex (passion) was totally missing from my current relationship. I guess I did some kind of emotional transfer. I was so starved for passion that my thoughts reverted back to the most passionate relationship I'd had. She represented what I craved most. I'll be fine, don't worry about me.