still confused/clueless

[FleetingNarcissus]

Here's the deal. I'm 22, have never had a girlfriend...have had some success initially but the intrigue never seems to last. I've been working out lately and have noticed that I've become more noticable.

In one of my classes, there's a girl I've noticed since the beginning of the semester (january, I know I'm a wimp). She's sort of tall and slender like me and it seems she's been wary of me too. A few weeks ago when we were leaving class, she was walking ahead of me and kept turning her head to the side like I could tell she was aware of me and wanted me to say something, but of course, I didn't. Today we were having a geography type quiz and I mustered up the enthusiasm to go over and talk to her. I was like,"Feeling geographically inclined today?" and smiled at her, she said, "Not really, I'll just wing it". Then I said something like "oh, you mean you don't have a little map to put under your hand?" She said,"I wish"...and that was it.

During class, I noticed she looked over at me a few times, each time she would look away, one time after she looked away she was smiling a sweet smile. When the professor was passing a test back to her, she went up and got it and when she was walking back to her seat, she smiled at me. I already knew I had to talk to her when the class was over. I was going to say something along the lines,"So, Winger chick, did you wing it well?" Then ask her name even though "I heard it several times from the professor but I thought it would sound nicer from you". so anyway, when class was over, I noticed she walked out kind of quickly. She even turned and went out of the building a different way than she normally does. She usually goes the same way I go, so when I walked out of the class, I saw her looking at me through the glass doors.

Now I'm not sure that she's interested, whether she's just playing a little hard-to-get because she felt the vibe that I wanted to talk to her. I don't know if she was disappointed that I didn't say more at first even though she smiled and laughed at what I said even though it wasn't really funny. I consider myself mildly attractive and I'd say in the face she's cute but not a 10, but her body is beautiful and overall I think she's the best looking girl I've seen around. She just "looks compatible" with me if that makes sense. But now I'm confused, I don't know whether I killed the attraction or whether she is attracted to me and just wanted to play a little game. How should I handle this the next time I see her, and what do you guys think that was all about? It seemed like she was definitely checking me out.

 

[NewMan]

* Stop over analyizing this. There could be a million reasons why she doing something - and your probably not going to know why.

*

So, Winger chick, did you wing it well?" Then ask her name even though "I heard it several times from the professor but I thought it would sound nicer from you"

Stop with the chessey stuff please.

* Jusr go up to her and say "Hi, I'm XYZ". Make things simple and have fun. Let the rest roll.

* There is nothign creepier to women than a guy who constantly stares at them but doesn't approach. To walk up and talk to her.

 

[FleetingNarcissus]

yeah, I know I can't tell why a girl does things and shouldn't overanalyze it. The cheesiness is just me, I'm a little off-beat and use it to convey my lighthearted side. But anyway, it just sucks because on any other day, she wouldn't have left that way. I don't know if I took a step forward or if I ruined the whole situation. When I got out of the class, she was looking at me through the door so I know it had to have something to do with me. I don't feel that I've been staring at her at all, I glance over from time to time, but most of the time when I look at her, it's because I catch her looking at me! I don't have a good history with women and so it leaves me a little uncertain as to whether I weirded her out somehow (don't know how) or whether she is attracted to me and has some personal reason for leaving the way she did (hard-to-get, self-conscious, etc.). I want to look on this as a positive and talk to her again and have a real conversation but it's always something strange that happens that it can't be simple, there has to be more to it. How should I look at this? I'm trying not to overanalyze it but damn, it's got me off-balance now.

 

[Survivor]

Originally posted by FleetingNarcissus
yeah, I know I can't tell why a girl does things and shouldn't overanalyze it. The cheesiness is just me, I'm a little off-beat and use it to convey my lighthearted side.

Wrong, the cheesiness is NOT you. Separate your ego from the situation. You will not die alone simply because one girl does not find you attractive.

Originally posted by FleetingNarcissus
But anyway, it just sucks because on any other day, she wouldn't have left that way. I don't know if I took a step forward or if I ruined the whole situation. When I got out of the class, she was looking at me through the door so I know it had to have something to do with me.

Thats your intuition telling you that. Trust it from now on.

Originally posted by FleetingNarcissus I don't have a good history with women and so it leaves me a little uncertain as to whether I weirded her out somehow (don't know how) or whether she is attracted to me and has some personal reason for leaving the way she did (hard-to-get, self-conscious, etc.).

Your tendancy to rationalize things stems from your self-image being too dependant on your success/failure with women. Rationalization is a defence mechanism that "AFC"s use to protect their egos. That must change before any confidence can be developed.

Originally posted by FleetingNarcissus I want to look on this as a positive and talk to her again and have a real conversation but it's always something strange that happens that it can't be simple, there has to be more to it. How should I look at this? I'm trying not to overanalyze it but damn, it's got me off-balance now.

Take a break from this chick for three months. Be polite and respectful when you do see her. But don't waste time dwelling on the past.

You seem like a good candidate for the DJ Boot Camp. Try that for a while and see if helps with your confidence in approaching women.

 

[FleetingNarcissus]

Yeah, I understand what you're saying and I appreciate the comments but I can't just give up on this girl yet. I can't give her a break for three months because after this semester is over (a few weeks from now) I might never see her around again, who knows?
Aside from how I am in person, when I send my pictures and chat online with girls, I seem to be much more seductive. I can be extremely witty to almost no end and I know that if I can project this onto the girl, I can get what I want. I'm thinking the next time I see her I should be smiling...maybe smile at her but then ignore her for the most part. If she seems receptive and still looks at me then maybe I will introduce myself and have a more detailed conversation than the first one. She smiled and laughed when I spoke to her so I don't want to assume that she was freaked out by me or anything...when she repeatedly looked at me and by all appearances, seemed fairly open. Any other suggestions on how I should handle the situation next time I'm around her? Things that will improve the situation? Things to avoid?

 

[FleetingNarcissus]

Anyway, you guys were right, I shouldn't be talking to anyone at all. I saw the girl at this event that many of the people in my class went to for extra credit. On break, I saw her smoking a cigarette so I decided to walk over and talk to her. I asked her how she did on the map test yesterday (she mentioned she's graduating this semester). It went alright I thought...she told me she works at this health food store in town and I said,"oh so you take your vitamins, huh?" Of course, the topic was still on school but then we had to go back in and I wasn't sitting next to her. I asked her what kind of cigarettes she had and she told me they were some kind of Camel specials...I smiled, looking into her eyes and said,"for a special person, right?" Then I asked her if I could try one but she said on next break she would give me one. Next break was lunch and I walked out to my car, didn't talk to her.

So we went back in and at the end of the day, I decided I would formally introduce myself as I hadn't said my name or asked hers...and build off of what she had mentioned earlier. If we hadn't had to go back in, I would have asked her some interesting questions about herself, relevant to the info. she gave me. Unfortunately, when the event ended, I was talking to this dude and she was walking by me, she smiled but it seemed a little uneasy. I asked her if "she enjoyed herself while earning slacker points"...she was in a bad mood though, saying that her friend got cheated out of some of his points or something. I asked her if "I could have a special moment with her" which was my way of asking for a cigarette. Then I said, "well I just wanted to introduce myself" I apparently wasn't saying my name fast enough (lol) because she asked me what my name was. I said my name then I told her it was a pleasure to meet her. She said "You too. Enjoy." I felt that same familiar empty feeling that I feel every time I open my mouth to girls. Assess the damage if you will, I think it's amusing how much of a f*** up I really am. What do you all think?

 

[gunf1ghter]

Originally posted by FleetingNarcissus
I smiled, looking into her eyes and said,"for a special person, right?"

Originally posted by FleetingNarcissus

I asked her if "she enjoyed herself while earning slacker points"...

Originally posted by FleetingNarcissus
I asked her if "I could have a special moment with her" which was my way of asking for a cigarette.

Seriously, you sound like an escapee from a mental hospital. Lose the schtick, because if you keep this up you'll die a virgin.

 

[FleetingNarcissus]

Yeah, I'm actually not a virgin anymore but that's only because of one person. I know the things I say are off-beat and I really wish I didn't open my mouth and just would have waited to talk to her at class on Monday but of course, I jumped right in and I'm not the best at small talk. I guess that's why I say "cheesy" things like that. And it's funny you mentioned the mental hospital, I actually went into one of those for a weekend, two years ago.

I didn't want to blow it with this girl, I didn't want her to be another one of those girls who seemed attracted to me at first but was turned off when I started talking. But now I feel empty, like this is how it's always going to be. It's almost like she was never attracted to me to begin with even though she had to be, as many times as she was looking at me. But after yesterday, it almost seemed like she might have a bf. I get the feeling that my face and the words I say just don't match and as attractive as I might have appeared to her (even that's questionable now) it's like when I opened my mouth, I only disappointed her. The first time I talked to her yesterday seemed ok but at the end really killed me. I guess I'm just going to ignore her from now on and just be upbeat and not say anything to anyone...if anything, I might say Hi and keep a smile like I'm not a broken man and don't need a woman in my life. I'd like to think I can still talk to her but I also know pretty well when all is lost. It's really damaging to how I feel about myself in relation to women because I'm almost positive she had some kind of attraction to me. Is there any way to show her I'm not an awkward, cheesy guy and that I'm interested in her? I know I have what it takes to make her feel wonderful things...I just didn't get a chance to say all the things to find out who she is. Ignoring her or giving her very little attention even if she still looks at me might be good...but then again, she probably won't look at me ever again (lol). How do I proceed? During the first conversation she said a few things about herself and I guess I just didn't pick up the ball fast enough. I'm tired of girls initially being intrigued by me then squashing any chance I might have. SOS

 

[Q-Pid]

You're thinking about this far too much bud. You're over-analyzing this to the point of it causing you great deppression. Here is what happened:

-Girl was attracted to you. (Your looks/attitude/whatever)
-Girl was put off by your poor conversational skills/lack of confidence/cheesy lines

From what you tell me I guess you're a good looking guy who is charismatic - the problem is you sound unconfident (humour as a defense mechanism) and your conversational skills are suffering as a consequence.

While you may have blown it with this girl, I reccomend you check the following article to avoid it happening with others. First Impressions are a very important thing:

http://www.sosuave.com/articles/three.htm

ALso, once you start talking to her you'll want to know what to say. (I.e. to avoid yourself falling back into your defense mechanism of using humou to hide yourself):

http://www.sosuave.com/articles/talktowomen.htm
http://www.sosuave.com/articles/converse.htm
http://www.sosuave.com/articles/never.htm

 

[FleetingNarcissus]

Q-Unit, I think you're very right about the situation. I've actually read those articles before, the bad thing is I know how to do all of that but instead I f*** up by not jumping on her info. by asking her related questions because I know I could have sucked her right in if I did. Instead I got off the subject of her for a moment and before I could ask her about her ambitions, interests, what she does in the day-to-day...we had to go back into the place and unfortunately, I think before I knew it my chance was sabotaged. It's sad that now I probably will never be able to show her that I'm capable in conversation, that I have many sides, and not just little light-hearted comments. It's funny that I had a whole conversation in my head that I was going to have with her after the thing ended but instead, she was in a hurry and a bit awkward and it rubbed off on me. She told me where she works, when she's graduating...all of these things could have easily been used had I reacted quickly enough. So yeah, she probably was thinking I was incapable of showing interest the way it's supposed to be shown through conversation. I'm so sick of this happening, it's like when I get into a conversation, I tend to sometimes jump around from one thing to another and back again instead of staying focused on her and really getting to know her. To me, and I know she's not the most beautiful girl at school or anything, but to me she is the most amazing girl I've seen around. I don't know if you've ever seen a girl who you knew just had this vibe of being really compatible with you and would often give you the eye, but this was the one. But the attraction probably isn't going to be a reality now and I'm face to face with a recurring nightmare I can't seem to stop.

 

[FleetingNarcissus]

I'm wondering if I should give up on this completely or not...or whether I should just see how she acts tomorrow in class. I think I'll just ignore her and be as upbeat as possible. How do I carry on after the other day? I want to restore dignity and act as if I am still the man. Even if she does think I'm a lame a$$. I'm sure if I could talk to her again, I could get it right and give her a good time talking. The spark might or might not be there but I hate to just give up when I know there's a reason she kept looking at me, because she could tell I'm a great guy, one worth getting to know. So how do I act tomorrow?

 

[Mortukai]

Dude, you are ignoring some things that people are telling you, and lingering on other things. For example, people tell you that your chances with this chick are ruined now, so you should move on. And you ignore this. People tell you that you are over-analyzing this way too much, and you ignore this. But when people reinforce to you that you need to work on your convo skills, you harp on and on about what a loser you are and how you can't talk to girls.

Get a grip man.

Next the b!tch. You failed with this one. Big deal. It'll happen a lot more. Get used to it. It's called life, and it happens to all of us (well, excpet maybe Prince William). She is NOT the girl for you. She is NOT the prize. YOU are the prize. SHE is the one who has lost, not you. Stop thinking about her right now. She is dead to you. The only thing you could possibly achieve now is to get her to outright tell you to fvck off, and that will only make you feel worse. Stop it.

Then, when you are done beating yourself up, become a fvcking man and start improving yourself. You are good looking. Great! You've got a headstart on the competition. Take pride in your appearance, and you'll have your foot in every girl's door before you even look at them. But you lack conifdence and conversation skills. Stop whining about it like a b!tch. Pick yourself up and learn to talk to people. DO the DJ boot camp. Take it very seriously, as if your whole future happiness depends on it. Think of women as your prey. They must fear you, not the other way around. Talk to people, young, old, male, female, whoever. Talk to strangers until you are comfortable doing it and can talk about anything without thinking. DO NOT think about lines you will use before you start the convo: they will seem awkward, out of place, and very cheesy.

Identify your weaknesses. Make them your strengths. Or forever jerk off to porn.

But for the love of all that is holy, stop thinking about this b!tch and analyzing yourself into depression.

 

[geneticperfection]

Bro, I'm reading your posts and it sounds like one massive pity party. Sorry to be blunt, but you should know that. Yeah, you messed up - we all have, and we've all wanted to smack our heads against walls. Difference is, we learnt and moved on. Or had the resolve to say that was going to be the last f'-up; so we started the DJ bootcamp, or understood the DJ Bible inside out. You sure as hell aren't doing that.

a) Give up the one-itis. I've had that too, and honestly, I look back and wonder what the hell was wrong with my head back then. You'll have that moment too. She may be cute, but I doubt she's perfect. I also doubt she's the cutest, or hottest, or funniest, smartest, sexiest, sweetest girl you'll ever meet. So move on. This never even developed into anything serious enough for you to mope about.

b) You asked how you act tomorrow, heres your answer: Like you don't care. Not because you're a challenge or whatever, but because this avenue is dead, and its time to find the next one. Stop looking at dead ends.

c) If you dont have the personality to pull off cheesy lines (and yeah, some people do - more often than not though, people are going to assume theres something wrong with you), then dont force them. You have some funny ideas, but they're not coming out right. Just be comfortable not trying to be funny that way. Hell, try having a normal conversation with a few girls, then whip out the funnies. Maybe move your funny ideas to a different delivery style that works better for you.

d) Do the DJ Bootcamp. There is valuable information there about attitude. I really believe it can help you.

Best of luck man. But next this one - sounds like a dead move, unless I'm misreading something. There will be others, and you'll be better prepared and less stressed then.