Still Confident, But In Way Over My Head

[Abcd]

Background: I am a college freshman with a pretty good long term relationship under my belt.

I've apparently mangaged to attract the girl of my dreams. I went out with her on Friday, and we had a pretty good time. Good conversation, went back to my place for a movie, a little cuddling but no kissing. Went back to her apartment, hung out for a bit, and then I left, with a hug and no kiss.

Girl not interested, right? Wrong. She is interested, as confirmed both by our mutual friend (who tells me she's smitten) and the way she flirts with me in class now. Somehow I've stumbled upon a one-in-a-thousand girl on this campus - she's so confident that she doesn't even kiss a guy she likes after he takes her out for a great night of dinner, concert, and movie. And why should she? She's about a 9.5 in terms of looks, and a perfect 10 in personality.

This is the kind of girl I'd like to marry - I think I'm going to fall in love with her. Which really is making me rethink my whole strategy as a guy who tries to "get" girls. Most everything before this has been mainly about one question: How can I get X girl naked and in my bed the fastest?

With this new one, I don't know if I even want to make a move on her next time we go out (I did on the first date, and I was politely forced into a mere nose-rub). If it were up to me, we wouldnt even make out for another few dates. I think I'll appreciate it much more that way. Of course, I don't want to come off as a shy guy, so I still kind of feel like I have to make a move. But I'd be pefectly happy to just hang out with her and maybe get a peck on the lips next time.

So the question is this: How do you change your DJ tactics when you want (and she wants) things to be different. How do you create a meaninful relationship in this era of quick hook-ups and one night stands? I was really emotionally tied to my last girlfriend, and we hooked up within five minutes of getting together for the first time. But I want this one to be different. Could I get some advice from people who have been in my situation?

I'm meeting her for coffee tomorrow before class... what to do/say?

Thanks

P.S. It's going to be Standard Operating Procedure until someone gives me a better idea - it's worked fine for me up until now.

 

[TheRisingSon]

As is common with people (both men and women), you are over thinking this. First, don't worry about the outcome so much. She might be the first woman of you dreams, but she won't be the last. The mind works in strange ways... The mind also controls your dreams. Give it five years, and you will think she is a pain in the a$$.

Anyway, did you try to kiss her on the first date? If not, it is YOUR fault that did not happen.

Next, how to form a relationship? Nothing special to this. Say, "Hey, you wanna go to the <insert fraternity> party this weekend?" Or, whatever. Then call her after that. Then ask her to do something else. Really, things are that simple.

I Have Risen

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

First off, your thinking is wrong! Read your title..."...but in way over my head". Do you say this because she is prettier than you (she supposed to be) and you feel that she could have other guys and why did she pick you over them?

Why are you in love with a woman that you don't know? She could be the biggest slut the world has to offer...you just don't know it yet.

She knows every guy wants to sleep with her if she is a 9.5 as you claim, so she doesn't kiss them because she wants to qualify them first. This doesn't mean you shouldn't make an attempt but just be more selective on 'the moment'.


You had a ltr in the past, so you should know already that you need a liitle more than sex to keep it together...she is aware of this too. If she turns out to sex you in the next few weeks, then you know she is just another ho - treat her like one, and not as someone 'special who you want to marry'!

Coffee in the morning - how exciting. Just be your chipper self, I guess. Talk about your future life together and how beautiful your children are going to look...just kidding.

 

[Abcd]

Come on folks, I know this isn't the best place for tips on meaningful relationships, but could I get some real advice here? I know you people who might have a good perspective probably don't have the time, but look what I'm getting left with...

To the puerto rican kid and the rising sun, I started to type out where you screwed up, but really I'm just repeating myself, so just go back and read the original text I guess. I mean you basically just misread all over the place . . and at least two of your questions are answered directly in the original text, so if you're not even going to take the time to just read and think, I'm not gonna type out a long thing for ya. No offense but I think you may as well take this to email or private message if you feel like continuing, i'm kinda looking for people with a bit more perspective.

 

[Pimp-sicle]

Dood WTF are you talking about!! These guys have given you great advice. Your in "over your head" because your analyzing things too MUCH!!! You guys have gone out once or twice. Whatever the point is you can't say "she's the type I want to marry" after a few get togethers. She's qualifying you just like the others have said. But I will tell you this. When you hang out with her, focus on having FUN!! Don't focus so hard on getting that kiss because otherwise it will ruin your night because your going to stress on it A LOT!! Also I'd do more creative things than "coffee." No offense bro but coffee is LAME!! Girls like to have fun, if you show her a good time and have confidence, then you'll get her. If you stress and calculate your every move you'll get left behindl


And don't EVER think a girl is better than you just because she's hot....LOL



PIMP

 

[Abcd]

Okay, you really have to give me more credit than you are. I'm not an AFC, you're just giving me the typical response for guys who don't know how to get girls. I'm just going to choose the most recent post and go through it.

---quote---
Your in "over your head" because your analyzing things too MUCH!!!
---
I'm not "over my head" in the terms you are describing. I know exactly how to make this girl want me, and I have. I am in over my head in the sense that I am a 19 year old with the knowledge to control women, but without the wisdom to see exactly what comes down the line in a *really* long term relationship. I'm not talking 6 months or a year - I've done that, and I could do a year-long relationship with this girl. But I get the sense that people don't get married too often after our sosuave.com "LTR's." These relationships aren't conceived with grander things in mind.

---quote---
You guys have gone out once or twice. Whatever the point is you can't say "she's the type I want to marry" after a few get togethers.
---
Sure I can. I can't say she's the *one* I want to marry, because I don't know who she is. But I can tell you what I would want in a lifelong partner, and I can also tell you that so far, her traits fits into that category.

---quote---
She's qualifying you just like the others have said.
---
Agreed, she's too cool to kiss on the first date, just like *I* said. She wants to get to know me even better first, and I'm delighted that she wants that, like I said in my original post, which you could have read and saved me the time of writing this message.

---quote---
But I will tell you this. When you hang out with her, focus on having FUN!! Don't focus so hard on getting that kiss because otherwise it will ruin your night because your going to stress on it A LOT!!
---quote---
Once again, sometimes I don't think you folks even read half of what's written. You glance over a post and group it into some category and then write a standard response. There's no point posting bible-rehashes on this board. Just point people to the bible. If you think the question has been answered already, don't answer it again. If you thought I was focussing "so hard on getting the kiss" you shouldn't have even written a response like this, since we've been over this philosophy literally 1000's of times in the last few years.

I'm not focussing on getting the kiss. If you had read the entire message, you would have seen that one my main points was that if it were up to me, we wouldn't even make out for a few more dates. I don't want to get play, this girl is way too interesting for that.

---quote---
Also I'd do more creative things than "coffee." No offense bro but coffee is LAME!! Girls like to have fun, if you show her a good time and have confidence, then you'll get her.
---
Well first of all we're not really getting coffee, that was just a simplification, but I'll qualify it now. She invited me to hang out with her before our afternoon class, so we are going to simply sit and chat for half an hour before hand in a coffee shop near the class. It isn't a date date, we're just hanging out a little during the week. We'll do something fun this weekend. But whatever the case, I'm not looking for date advice. This isn't a thread about date advice. And even if it were simply a thread asking for date advice, your post would be defeating the purpose of having a FAQ (the bible) by reposting a poorer version of what has already been written.

---quote---
If you stress and calculate your every move you'll get left behind
---
Did I say I was stressing? I'm having a great time. I'm going to carry on doing what I know works until someone gives me a better idea. But with the amount of bullshlt you guys manage to post on decent threads, it's going to be difficult to ever sift through enough crap to get to that good advice. If you don't have anything original to say, just don't post! If you really want to get something off your chest and you can't simply write "read the bible, <citation>" then just PM people, you decrease the usefullness of this website by posting garbage that newbies have to sift through. And it really is garbage, because all you're doing is taking good stuff that other people have written, and writing it over again without thinking about it as much as they did. Why would you do that?

---quote---
And don't EVER think a girl is better than you just because she's hot....LOL
---
Thanks for the tip, LOL. (Hint: I'm not really laughing my ass off)

---quote---
PIMP
---
I'll bet

 

[Jvesti]

MAN i TOTALLY feel you on this one

Actually while your fallin for a chick I'm actually falling for a chick myself.

This is the first time I've ever fell for a chick, it's always been WAM BAM THANK YOU MA'AM. I've never respected girls much or even liked them besides their poon.

I saw her earlier this week, and exactly like you we kissed hugged n what not.

She is smitten with me I could tell. Yet she is so confident she is the most difficult challenge I've ever had.

So about 2 days later after purposely using DJ skill not bothering to call her, besides I had bigger priorities.

I start to get this GNAWING feeling in my stomach and I can only think about her. I was like WTF! I couldn't even fall asleep or eat the much. It really annoyed the **** outta me. I was like NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


Anyways, I am a very disciplined human being and although it is the strongest feeling I've ever had, even stronger than sex emotion. I have it UNDER CONTROL.

Because i Know HAVING CONTROL sure beats the alternative

Although, I feel like I'm above her as a person. I have no rational control over the emotion it's messed up. Can anyone else relate???

But no matter what NEVER SAY "I'm in WAY OVER my head" **** THAT!!! I say

BRING IT ON!

anyways, im callin her tommorow to make plans for sunday. after 3 day silence. I'm using my rational mind to make my decisions and plan how it goes. Because my will power is strong and my attitude is always positive

Hey ABCD, you should hit me up on AIM. (It's on my profile) We are goin through the same thing. So we can pull it together, and come out on top and in control of this.

 

[Jvesti]

Originally posted by PuertoRican_Lover


Why are you in love with a woman that you don't know? She could be the biggest slut the world has to offer...you just don't know it yet.

She knows every guy wants to sleep with her if she is a 9.5 as you claim, so she doesn't kiss them because she wants to qualify them first. This doesn't mean you shouldn't make an attempt but just be more selective on 'the moment'.

I'm not sure if you'd categorize him to be "in love" but "falling for a girl" is probably it. And as for "falling for a girl" it's not rational, attraction isn't a choice. A week ago, I would of been agreein with you. But now that I'm experiencing it and it makes zero sense. I'd disagree.

If i found out she was a huge slut, i'd probably separate myself from her within a fingersnap. Doesn't mean, that whole "feeling" would automatically shut off.

Yes and just go for the kiss when you feel like it. Don't be mushy, don't ask, just next time you go out DECIDE what you want out of that meeting. Do you want to bang her, do you want to play with her stuff, do you want to just kiss her? Make up your mind and be CONGRUENT with it.

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

OK ABCD - maybe my first advice was a little brash...give me some time to think of something clever to add...let me go to that part of my brain where my DJ insight resides....hold on!

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Originally posted by Abcd
So the question is this: How do you change your DJ tactics when you want (and she wants) things to be different. How do you create a meaningful relationship in this era of quick hook-ups and one night stands? I was really emotionally tied to my last girlfriend, and we hooked up within five minutes of getting together for the first time. But I want this one to be different. Could I get some advice from people who have been in my situation?

First off, take a deep breath and take a 'chill' pill to relax. You want to make a dramatic shift in your lifetime thinking and behavior regarding wooing a woman, within a few hours. My first post was worded as such because I sensed an "irrational exuberance" that if not restrained could lead to your demise. I don't want you to put all your heart into a girl so quickly that you really don't know (irrational), but yet you have an overwhelming desire to please (exuberance).

Meaningful long-term relationships take more work, than an ONS or STR with a hor -obviously. The key ingredient in such a relationship is compatibility between the two involved. This compatibility is not determined by how much you pursue or please a woman, but rather it is based on who you are as a person and whether you fit her minimal parameters in 'her' definition of an ideal mate.

So you don't have to pretend to be somebody you are not in the short term, because in the long run your true self will be revealed in the space of time spent together. A union between a Man and a Woman is a very natural phenomenon, and the best action that both parties can take to bring about a positive result in the relationship is to embrace their natural femininity and masculinity. If the individuals are compatible in their genuine selves then success and a meaningful relationship is the outcome!

I get the sense that you hope this woman is not like the hors that you had in the past, because you want a LTR that will lead to marriage. One thing that you must come to terms with right now, is that what you 'hope' for may not be the 'reality' of the things to come. When a man hopes for a certain outcome he forces this hope on a woman and he tries to make it materialize into reality regardless if the situation or woman is not best suited for him.

Because his overly zealous desire for her overrides his rational thinking, he falters and becomes blind to the reality of not only his afc actions but also of her inappropriate and misleading actions. Also this ‘chump’ mindset makes allowances for a woman’s infractions and disrespectful behavior in the relationship – all because he desires her companionship so dearly. These over compensating afc actions and his compassionate longing to feed his natural sexual appetite may lead to a blissful start but it will inevitably lead to a disastrous end.

My message was tailored specifically for your situation ABCD, although I know you are aware enough of your manhood (thanks to SoSuave) that you wouldn’t stray too far. One of the first signs to look for when people become blind to the reality of things is an euphoria of ‘irrational exuberance” and then they become as a Schizophrenic and they start seeing things that aren’t there and they start being blinded to the things that are.

My advice to you with this girl is to take it slow as you stated you wish to do, and keep your senses sharp, your eyes open, and your heart to yourself until there is overwhelming evidence on her part that her actions and behavior prove and deserve your attention and honor! Until this occurrence, hold your tongue and dismiss your mind of the fanciful notions of marriage!

This message was the same as my first post but I hope the insight expressed here gives you a different mindset. A different mindset was what you were looking for, no? I hope I answered the question you posed above. I don’t want to be the subject again of your disappointment with DJ responses.

 

[Abcd]

Anybody else?

PuertoRicanLover, thanks for the input but I still can't discern much real-world advice from what you wrote. And

--quote
you are aware enough of your manhood (thanks to SoSuave)
--
Lets settle down just a bit, I think you're giving a little too much credit to an internet discussion board. I like to think that I learned about my "manhood" in the real world...

 

[golf299]

first let me just preface by saying that i think you've been pretty persnickety throughout this this thread, which is uncalled for...

you are entitled to think whatever you want as long as it makes you feel better, right... if you learned everything about your "manhood" from the real world, then get back out there and learn some more...quit asking us for advice...

 

[Abcd]

---quote---
if you learned everything about your "manhood" from the real world, then get back out there and learn some more...quit asking us for advice...
---
okay

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

My advice does appy to the real world, you twit! I'm talking from 30 years of experience in dealing with girlies/women and you throw away what I gave you as insignifcant and inapplicable to your situation??? Read your question again, my man, I exactly and wholeheartedly answered your question!!!! But you don't like the answer!

You need to change your mindset, period!!! Not everything is about 'tactics', some things are of the heart!

You can disregard my advice, to your own peril and downfall, that is your prerogative. I gave you exactly what you needed and for what the situation called for - don't be so arrogant and snotty - you are only a 19 y/o, and you think because you had one ltr, that you have experience with women? Pride cometh before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall!!!

It took time for me to give you that response, and for you to cast away such insight as meaningless and worthless is a shame. A shame for you, not me - you are the one to benefit. With such a haughty attitude, I'll never spend my valuable time to help you out again. Read my advice that I gave you again, and this time read it for understanding!

Be a man and not a child!

 

[bp1974]

One point. You've been told that she is smitten with you. That means that the way you've been acting with her before your date and during the date has worked. Your attitude, and who you are up til now, is what she's become smitten over. Why the f*ck are you thinking of changing all that now you've realised you really like her?

This is the quickest route to 'angry woman-hater' there is:

1. Acting yourself, you meet a great girl who is head over heels about you.

2. You think she's so great, you have to change to keep her.

3. You change, she loses interest and dumps you.

If what you've been doing up until now has been working, why the hell would you want to change? After ONE date???

I can understand that you want to show her you're not going to play around on her, not going to hurt her etc, but in the beginning all that will show her is your desperation for it to work out with her. It will give away the fact that you're thinking of the future and how great a wife she'd make, and all those other longterm fantasies you're enjoying. Believe me, that will only serve to lower her interest in you. Most women do not want a man who can be caught for keeps so easily. You're meant to take her out and show her an exciting and fun time, and stop thinking about kids and picket fences.

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Hey alphabet man, did you propose to her yet? What did she say?

 

[Sex0r]

P_L do i sense some ironic hate in your last post?.. because that doesn't sound like you said it

 

[NatureGuy]

ABCD: This is a good question to be asking now, at a time when a new relationship is beginning to look really promising to you. Alot of us guys falter here. I believe it's way too early to be changing your approach - wait a few months and then maybe something should change.
Read BP1974's response - it's good.

 

[DJnomore]

A couple of things to keep in mind.

1) DJs do a filter thing. This is the largest improvement they do over AFC guys. They filter out women with low interest. Most do this by raising the physical level. However there is nothing magic about sex. If she is cuddling with you and you are the ONLY guy she is doing that with and it means a LOT to her then its ok. In some cultures the girl takes a kiss as serious as women in america take sex.

2) DJs take risks. If you don't want to have sex that is fine. But you need to understand if she is not ready to kiss you on the first date that may be ok. If she is not ready to kiss you on the 3rd date its time to discuss the relationship.

3) DJs are realistic. Odds are she isn't a virgin and has kissed guys on the first date before. That may mean she is really into you or it may mean she is really NOT into you but if she usually kisses on first date and she didn't kiss you after you initiated it rules out the middle ground. Pretty easy to tell if she is totally into you or not.

4) DJs are honest with themselves. It sounds to me like her actions are saying no but your friend is saying yes...If that is the case you need to adjust your moves to that.

best of luck, have fun, if you don't have fun change something.

 

[DreamerZZ35]

First off and this will be difficult... you have to cool your jets! Look its EASY to act that way when you really dont care if the woman wants you or doesnt want you.... this MAKES them want to chase you! Its harder than winning a drag race with a tricycle when you cant stop thinking about how awesome this girl is.

Second you have to accept and realize it isnt about what you want.... its about what SHE WANTS. You can want to marry her have kids with her and live the rest of your life with this woman and if that isnt what she is interested in you be TOAST.

So how do you find out where she is at with you? BE A CHALLENGE. Dont call her every day.... DocLove is dead right about this... A women with high interest NEVER EVER runs from a challenge ESPECIALLY if she is hot looking! WHY????? Because no other man has EVER kept her wondering and chasing you..... ever other guy rolled over and wanted his belly rubbed the first time she gives them the time of day.

The next time you go out you be a perfect gentleman and you do NOT talk about how crazy you are about her. Get her to talk about what likes, what she thinks KEEP YER HANDS TO YER SELF.... LET HER DO ALL AND ANY TOUCHING This Drives her interest level UP...... at the end of the date without saying a word, give her a kiss on the lips.... if she kisses you your good to go... if she turns her head and offeres you her cheek your TOAST.

You play it low key.... dont call her righ away after the date eitehr... make her wait 5 days or so.... it creates the illusion you are buys and hence in demand..... it will DRIVE HER nuts that you arent fawning all over her either.... Remember do what every other guy has done... and you will be where every other guy is with her..... JFBF'd