Sticky Situation Involving Exes, Help Please

[MrNiceGuy23]

Okay so here's just some quick background. I got out of a ~2.5 year relationship back in April, the girl I'm currently seeing got out of a ~3 year relationship back in May. We're casually dating, nothing official yet, but we're both down at school working for the summer so we pretty much see each other after work, eat together, spend time together, and sleep together every night. We've been friends for almost 3 years now.

The Issue: She is still talking to her ex / sees him occasionally. He's not close by so it's not often but anytime he's in the area they end up hanging out. It popped up as a red flag to me because this guy is an imbecile, she started dating him after getting out of a really ****ty relationship and in a way has idealized him to be some great man / boyfriend (none of which is true, he's forgotten things a boyfriend shouldn't forget, gotten her gifts he should know she'd hate cause she's told him before, etc).

She's told me about it before and asks for my opinion on it as to whether or not it's a good idea and I always tell her it's never a good idea because things will eventually lead to talking about getting back together or getting too cozy with each other.

The real problem is since we're not official, I know there isn't anything wrongdoing going on (technically), although she's said she'd be mad if I got with other girls. The other problem is I still speak with my ex often because she's a great friend, but I know how to keep things strictly platonic and non-romantic and I don't see her 1 on 1.

She told me he's asked her to go on a trip with him and she wanted to go because she bought all this equipment before and doesn't want it to go to waste. I told her there will be other times with other people to go on such a trip, but if she really wants to go she can, I just won't deal with it and find other women to hang out with. That upset her and she said she won't go but they still talk.

If they really only talk on a friendship level, am I still justified in asking her to completely cut him off?

Thanks guys.

 

[Chickfight]

Need some more context. Who broke up with who and why? When you say sleep together do you me you literally sleep in the same bed or do you have sex?

 

[MrNiceGuy23]

Need some more context. Who broke up with who and why? When you say sleep together do you me you literally sleep in the same bed or do you have sex?

I broke up with my girlfriend and she broke up with him, she actually broke up with him because she likes me and things were escalating so she didn't want to hurt him any longer.

When I say sleep together I mean we have sex every night of the week practically if not more as well as sleep in the same bed.

 

[Skyline]

I'm pretty sure you're friend zoned with this girl anyway.

EDIT:

When I say sleep together I mean we have sex every night of the week practically if not more as well as sleep in the same bed.

Nevermind, FB.

 

[MrNiceGuy23]

I'm looking for a relationship out of this. She knows how I feel but also that I'll leave if there's nonsense going on. She says she likes how things are and that we'll date eventually. She says she's not ready to filly commit yet.

Maybe I should stop sleeping over her place, letting her stay over, and eating with her less and just bang her instead? If she doesn't want to commit why be emotional with her just keep it physical. Thoughts?

 

[MrNiceGuy23]

I'm pretty sure you're friend zoned with this girl anyway.

EDIT:



Nevermind, FB.

I know it's not that she's admitted to be falling in love with me and has gotten jealous of other girls, so she's clearly attached.

 

[Skyline]

I'm looking for a relationship out of this. She knows how I feel but also that I'll leave if there's nonsense going on. She says she likes how things are and that we'll date eventually. She says she's not ready to filly commit yet.

There IS nonsense going on, it's her obsession about her douche bag ex. :trouble:

Take her out on dates(Maybe that trip she bought equipment for would be a good idea) and get serious- if that doesnt work(which i dont think it is) then go ghost or even no contact.

Maybe I should stop sleeping over her place, letting her stay over, and eating with her less and just bang her instead? If she doesn't want to commit why be emotional with her just keep it physical. Thoughts?

Yes.
If she's complaining about another guy to YOU, then you're probably her emotional tampon.

Honestly if I were you, and if she was hot enough, then I would just keep her as a FB and not ruin it. :kick:

 

[MrNiceGuy23]

There IS nonsense going on, it's her obsession about her douche bag ex. :trouble:

Take her out on dates(Maybe that trip she bought equipment for would be a good idea) and get serious- if that doesnt work(which i dont think it is) then go ghost or even no contact.



Yes.
If she's complaining about another guy to YOU, then you're probably her emotional tampon.

Honestly if I were you, and if she was hot enough, then I would just keep her as a FB and not ruin it. :kick:

I'm going to face friction when I go to get my stuff to leave after sex or ask her to go home, so how should I approach and handle that? Do I straight up tell her "Well you said you're happy with the level of commitment we have, so I see no reason to do anything further than see you physically." or do I make up some excuse for why I can't stay. She lives like 2 minutes away and knows my living arrangement / working arrangement so it'd be hard to straight up lie and have her believe it.

 

[Skyline]

I'm going to face friction when I go to get my stuff to leave after sex or ask her to go home, so how should I approach and handle that? Do I straight up tell her "Well you said you're happy with the level of commitment we have, so I see no reason to do anything further than see you physically." or do I make up some excuse for why I can't stay. She lives like 2 minutes away and knows my living arrangement / working arrangement so it'd be hard to straight up lie and have her believe it.

Ahhh.. That makes it more complicated.

I know it's not that she's admitted to be falling in love with me and has gotten jealous of other girls, so she's clearly attached. I don't think shes attached i think shes using you, think about it, every time she mentions her boyfriend you come to her aid and tell her No. plus you guys seem to hangout way too often..

Since you're looking to be serious(and its been years apparently, which is basically oneitis to a degree)and she KNOWS that, I would just be honest and say something along the lines of:

"It's me or your ex, if you can talk/see your ex, then i WILL talk/see other girls."

Right now you're kind of her confidence boost.

(Oh yeah i wouldn't ever mention or point out were just "FB" because it usually ruins it)

 

[Calvin]

Don't make a big deal about it and don't explain yourself.

Just bang her and when you are done wait 10 -15 minutes and get up and get dressed and leave. When she asks what you are doing, just say your heading back to your place.

If she asks why, tell her you just feel like sleeping in your own bed. If she is at your place, don't make a big deal about it...it's ok if she spends the night.

I think Frayzer gave some practical advice. If you want a relationship, don't talk to her about your feelings or what you want. You just take action and do it.

Don' take her to a restaurant....that's boring. Take her on action dates and have fun. Take her to play pool and grab a drink. Take her bowling and to grab a drink. Take her to a concert and grab some drinks. Go hiking. Go white water rafting.

Tease her and make fun of her. Don't talk about your feelings. If she talks about her ex and asks if it is a good idea, just agree and amplify. Tell her she should definitely get back together with him since it worked out so well the first time with him.

Finally, you have to spin more plates if you really want this to work. If you have other options, you will be less concerned about this girl and won't care what is going on with her. Flirt with other girls and hang out with other girls.

With this girl and all of your plates....be indifferent, be a challenge, be action oriented, be fun, and be sexual. Bang her like you think every time you are going to bang her is going to be the last time.

Start talking dirty to her when you bang her. Just say a few words the first few times ("I like how my c0ck feels inside you"...."you feel so wet....it's amazing" and build up to it more ("your tight pu$$y is dripping wet...you really must want to feel my hard **** inside," "no one ****s you like I do....your my dirty little girl". In time, make it more explicit and dirtier and start having her repeat the things you say to reinforce it ("do you love getting fvcked by my ****?....your such a dirty slut...tell me your my dirty little slut and I can do whatever I want") and then start using some of the dirty talk outside of the bedroom with her to flirt.

Don't be outcome dependent with her about whether any of this works out. She's not important. Your life is important and she is just your sex toy/companion to have fun with while you are living your amazing, fun,exciting life....right?

 

[MrNiceGuy23]

She rarely mentions him, only recently after she told me she was falling for me because she didn't want to do anything without consulting me first.

We hang out a lot, but every single time we hang out, we fool around to a degree or have sex, the only time we don't is when it's her time of the month. She also refused about 6 weeks ago but later said it was because she was having trouble moving on but she's over that.

I bring up other girls to test her all the time, and she's admitted to getting jealous of them and she would be upset if I talked to them like I do her or got with one of them. She says her and the ex don't do anything when they see each other, I'm just trying to prep her for the if / when we start dating that I tell her she's done speaking / seeing him.

I wouldn't call it oneitis, I've known her for 3 years, but we've always been good friends, I admit I like her a lot, but I have plenty of other options if things fall through. I'm actually arranging a visit for someone I know to come down but gotta keep it secret so she doesn't know.

 

[Big Nuts]

She told me he's asked her to go on a trip with him and she wanted to go because she bought all this equipment before and doesn't want it to go to waste.
---------------------------------
Absurd!!!! No fvcking way!!!

 

[Calvin]

She rarely mentions him, only recently after she told me she was falling for me because she didn't want to do anything without consulting me first.

We hang out a lot, but every single time we hang out, we fool around to a degree or have sex, the only time we don't is when it's her time of the month. She also refused about 6 weeks ago but later said it was because she was having trouble moving on but she's over that.

I bring up other girls to test her all the time, and she's admitted to getting jealous of them and she would be upset if I talked to them like I do her or got with one of them. She says her and the ex don't do anything when they see each other, I'm just trying to prep her for the if / when we start dating that I tell her she's done speaking / seeing him.

I wouldn't call it oneitis, I've known her for 3 years, but we've always been good friends, I admit I like her a lot, but I have plenty of other options if things fall through. I'm actually arranging a visit for someone I know to come down but gotta keep it secret so she doesn't know.

Well, maybe you aren't banging her good enough. No offense but if you giving a girl the fvcking of her life and make her *** consistently then she would not even dare see her ex out of fear of losing you.

She isn't afraid of losing you or she is sh!t testing you to figure out how much she can control you and how much can she get away with.

For example, she basically has the green light to go see her ex one on one and then things just happened and he was so aggressive and sexual that she just gave in and banged his brains out and sucked his c0ck but she won't bother telling you anything about it bc she doesn't want to feel like a slut...oppss I mean hurt your feelings and hey you guys aren't in a committed relationship anyway so technically she isn't cheating when she bangs her ex.

I mean she told you straight up that she was seeing him Everyone knows what that means so she can't be held accountable that you didn't understand that she was going to have a roll in the hay with her ex for old times sack bc what the hell it just happened right?

You don't have oneitis??? But your going to hide that you have a girl visit??? Why would you do that? Don't want to hurt her feelings?

Spinning plates is spinning plates and having real options. Options are real girls that are available and that will or may fvck you. Girls that are just friends are not options.

Fvck...your 21...why the fvck would you want to be in a relationship anyway??? Don't think about relationships....just bang, bang, bang every plate you can spin and let your plates worry about there being a relationship with you. This girl gave you a green light that she is not ready to be in a committed relationship with YOU but YOUR not allowed to see other girls. Fvck that....your not in a committed relationship so you take the opportunity to actually see other girls

 

[Chickfight]

I broke up with my girlfriend and she broke up with him, she actually broke up with him because she likes me and things were escalating so she didn't want to hurt him any longer.

When I say sleep together I mean we have sex every night of the week practically if not more as well as sleep in the same bed.

If she broke up with him for you, you really don't have anything to worry about. Just keep being the guy she left him for. I wouldn't press for a serious commitment, just let things develop naturally. I always feel like trying to press someone for a relationship comes off as needy and so I don't do it. It's actually easy. You get to have all the benefits of a relationship, but can still do whatever you like. Just coast through it with that attitude and she'll be begging you for settle down with her and it'll be your choice whether you want to or not.

Now the deal with her ex. You handled it pretty well. Trust me, he won't be able to sweet talk her to going back to him while you're banging her brains out on the regular. She sees other guys, you get to see other girls. Most likely she just wants to be nice to him or get some misguided sense of closure. You have to make it clear to her that, while you're not jealous, it's disrespectful to you that she is even thinking about going on a trip with someone who just wants to get her back or have pity sex with. It's clingy and creepy and not cool because it makes you come off as a chump. Don't be angry or anything. She's free to do whatever she wants, but you want to spend time with girls whose priority is you and not making a guy feel better with whom her relationship is over. She can go, but you might not be there when she gets back.

It's an issue of respect, not jealously, cause being jealous just makes him seem superior to you.

If you get all this across and it still doesn't work, tell her you want to take a break so she can get her priorities straight. Then actually take a break and chill out for a while. Funny thing is it's easy to keep a girl when you're not too concerned with losing her. Don't contact her first and if she doesn't contact you, she probably wasn't interested enough in the first place for a good relationship.

 

[zekko]

If she's complaining about another guy to YOU, then you're probably her emotional tampon.

Guys here are so quick to throw around the emotional tampon label.
If she's fvcking him every night of the week, can he really be the emotional tampon?

I wouldn't put up with that business with the ex, though. Sounds shady.
She says she dumped him, but then goes on trips with him? Yeah, no thanks.

Honestly if I were you, and if she was hot enough, then I would just keep her as a FB and not ruin it. :kick:

Personally, I don't think it's a good idea to try to make a FB out of someone you want to have a relationship with. Better to cut ties.

 

[MrNiceGuy23]

Most of your posts have been excellent, and I appreciate all of your inputs.

Quick update: I know her ex is back in town and is trying to see her this coming Friday, so I told her we should do something on Friday, go to the beach or whatever, and she agreed, so if she backs out last minute I'll know what's up and push her away.

She came over last night and we got into a bit of an argument because she was being moody about leaving her house which is 2 minutes away. It bothers me because I don't like dealing with woman conflict, especially when it's with a woman who isn't my girlfriend. I saw her texting him and told her it's disrespectful and asked her if she would be bothered by me texting my exes, she said yes. If I see her doing it again I'll just leave because I'm done putting up with it.

She's PMSing this week so I know I won't be missing out on sex by not staying over. I actually suggested my leaving after we have sex. She told me she would be offended and think I'm a jerk for just coming over for a booty call. I threw it in her face by saying "You're not my girlfriend" to which she just acknowledged knowing she had no reason to care if I did that.

I'm not going to give her the benefits of having a boyfriend without the loyalty I expect from a girlfriend. She wants me to spend nights with her, talk to her about things, etc, but not be in a relationship and still talk to her ex? No thanks.

 

[cordoncordon]

Most of your posts have been excellent, and I appreciate all of your inputs.

Quick update: I know her ex is back in town and is trying to see her this coming Friday, so I told her we should do something on Friday, go to the beach or whatever, and she agreed, so if she backs out last minute I'll know what's up and push her away.

She came over last night and we got into a bit of an argument because she was being moody about leaving her house which is 2 minutes away. It bothers me because I don't like dealing with woman conflict, especially when it's with a woman who isn't my girlfriend. I saw her texting him and told her it's disrespectful and asked her if she would be bothered by me texting my exes, she said yes. If I see her doing it again I'll just leave because I'm done putting up with it.

She's PMSing this week so I know I won't be missing out on sex by not staying over. I actually suggested my leaving after we have sex. She told me she would be offended and think I'm a jerk for just coming over for a booty call. I threw it in her face by saying "You're not my girlfriend" to which she just acknowledged knowing she had no reason to care if I did that.

I'm not going to give her the benefits of having a boyfriend without the loyalty I expect from a girlfriend. She wants me to spend nights with her, talk to her about things, etc, but not be in a relationship and still talk to her ex? No thanks.

You are being way to afc about all of this. Though it does appear as if you are starting to come around. If this girl is going to continue to talk to her ex and to see him on occasion, I am not sure why you are hanging around with this girl EVERY NIGHT and basically treating her as your gf, without the gf/bf commitment. I personally don't know how you do it. The thought of being with a girl EVERY DAY, ****ing the same girl EVERY DAY, talking to the same girl EVERY DAY, and knowing she is still in contact with an ex on what appears to be more than just a friendly level? No thanks. She is playing you like a chump. She gets to hang out with you as a pseudo bf without the label or commitment of a bf, gets sex out of it, dates, etc, and still gets to do whatever it is she is doing with an ex? Sounds like an ideal situation for her and a fawked up one for you. And yet you seem as if you are willing to put up with it, at least you have so far.

My suggestion would be this. Since you want a LTR with her, instead of seeing her every night and taking her on your bf/gf dates, cut that down drastically. Start seeing her maybe 1-2 nights a week at most. And have her just come to your place, use her for sex if you want, and then kick her out. Do NOT have her stay the night and unlike some others here have suggested (who imo are wanting to White Knight her), do not take her on any dates or do anything with her that can be construed as a date.

Use her as a FB only. Let her understand that if she is too continue to see you and has hopes of ever taking this any further? Than she needs to stop all contact with the ex and start treating the relationship like she would want it to be treated. That is in a mature, honest, committed way.


Good luck.

 

[MrNiceGuy23]

Something stinks about this.

You have your wits about you now and are spotting the red flags. GOOD. Keep it that way.

In NO way shape or form is it a good idea for her to go on this trip with her ex. (as far as your interests I mean) She isn't your girlfriend, so you are in a lose-lose here. Tell she can't go? Show weakness and insecurity. If she goes? She may end up banging him. Maybe she doesn't really hjave strong feelings for him....maybe. But he keeps contacting HER.... so he is obviously still thinking that way. Get a few drinks flowing, never mind the fact that she IS unattached...................I think you have no say in the matter.If she goes? Even though she KNOWS it will piss you off, and cause you anxiety? Then she doesn't really care about you, your feelings and being with you.


CONSIDER THIS YOUR ****-TEST TO HER. Tell her, " I would prefer if you didn't go on this trip with your ex, but it is up to you" WHAT SHE DOES, WILL GIVE YOU DIRECTION ON WHAT YOU NEED TO DO. IF SHE GOES? LOSE HER NUMBER, AND START LOOKING FOR A NEW CHICK.

I can't cut her out completely if it comes to that. She's in a close circle of friends I have in my area so while I'll be able to limit my interactions with her, there will be interactions. I'll act like I don't even know who she is.

I never tell her she can't do anything, even if we were dating I don't own her. I told her it would bother me if she went because it's disrespectful, but she is free to do what she wants. If she wants to let the past ruin the present, then so be it.

I have the power to permanently ruin her friendship with her ex if I want to, if he knew she was seeing me, let alone ****ing me on the daily, as well as some other things he doesn't know about, he would never speak to her again. I'm just not that vindictive...yet.