Stay or Go

[MoneyTree]

Looking for outside perspective on my current relationship. We are both divorced (Me 3 years with 2 boys, her 10 years with 1 girl) and have been dating 3 and a half years. We blend as a family unit well as the kids all get along and we have done vacations together for the last couple of years. My feeling is that overall the lives of my kids are better with her and her daughter as part of it.

But then there is the rub:
1. On last vacation she made it seem like she was going to pay her share of expenses for car rental, activities, etc., but they all ended up on my credit card. When we get back she tells me she's $20K in credit card debt. She's refinanced and taken all the equity out of her house and more. I figure she is $50K upside down on the house if she made needed renovations and adding on selling costs. I offered that she could come and live with me while she pays down her debts and suggested she walk from the house. She's now mad, because I suggested she leave the house behind and have a foreclosure on her credit report.

2. She is ultra-conservative I am a moderate liberal, so we can't really broach political discussions.

3. I caught her cheating early in the relationship and uncovered the web of lies she tried to use to cover it up. Since then I believe she has been faithful.

4. It seems like I am doing all the giving and she's doing the taking. I help here out with repairs on her house, doing her lawn, and she never helps me at my house. I don't expect her to clean my house every week, but it seems that she should find some way to help given how I have helped her out.

Listing all of these things out it seems pretty obvious I should move-on, that there are too many red flags. I guess I just feel bad about the kids and them losing the girlfriend and their daughter in their lives. It is difficult with kids to find a significant other that will blend into a new family unit, even though I have no intention of getting married. I paid my ex-wife's student loan debt, just to have her get the house in the divorce and a hefty monthly payment from me. I really don't want to rescue any woman again, there are no rewards for that in the Family Law courts.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

And why can't the kids remain friends? Don't tell me that the woman won't allow it....

 

[Gangster Of Love]

Republican = Next.

Just kiddin' you geek mods, don't lock this thread.

She seems to be ultra conservative in everything except when it comes to her spending and values (cheating).

Dude, she is loosing interest, and you seem to be trying a lot harder to hold on to the situation. Doesn't matter what you suggest, she would find a way to still not making it work out.

Your name says it all, you have become her money tree at this point.You have taken on the role of the provider, as far as the type of lover is concerned. She will take and take even though she's not into you as much as before or enough to make it worth your time.

What is she expecting, you to bail her out of her mortgage situation? I wouldn't put it past her. Don't bail her out financially. If she's willing to work at it, then maybe you can have her "earn" your favor once again. I think its time to bail out while you're still ahead and still got your dignity.

 

[WestCoaster]

Way too many red flags -- especially fiscal irresponsibility -- time to leave bucko, didn't even get to the middle paragraphs when I'd made my decision.

She's a nut job, time to leave. Sorry, but that's the way life and love goes.

 

[Desdinova]

Too many major red flags. It's time to ditch her.

One thing you'd be wise to do is keep your (and her) children out of the question when dating. This way when you break up with the woman, you're not breaking up the children's relationships as well.

Also, DO NOT look for a "replacement" for the child's mother. A child only has one mother. Don't try to replace her with a newer and better model.

 

[MoneyTree]

I hear you all. But she does screw like a porn star....

 

[Desdinova]

I hear you all. But she does screw like a porn star....

Not only that, she's screwed other guys like a porn star.

Sex isn't worth the stress, nor the credit card debt. You can fvck your hand for free, so why would you make so many sacrifices to fvck a woman who is fvcking you financially?

Sex should NEVER be used as a deciding factor in a relationship, nor a bribe. It is an enjoyable expression of love (or lust), and a form of reproduction. Why ride an expensive rollercoaster when you can ride a rollercoaster of equal excitement for free?

 

[Latinoman]

I hear you all. But she does screw like a porn star....

Well...she has a child...is divorced...CHEATS (although pretend to be ultra conservative)...lies about the cheating...and she has over 20K in debts (and mounting).

What do you expect her to do in order to LURE a man into her life?

She MUST screw like a porn star...but...I bet you whatever...that if you married her...the "porn star" thing would die and die VERY FAST.

 

[Latinoman]

But then there is the rub:
1. On last vacation she made it seem like she was going to pay her share of expenses for car rental, activities, etc., but they all ended up on my credit card. When we get back she tells me she's $20K in credit card debt. She's refinanced and taken all the equity out of her house and more. I figure she is $50K upside down on the house if she made needed renovations and adding on selling costs. I offered that she could come and live with me while she pays down her debts and suggested she walk from the house. She's now mad, because I suggested she leave the house behind and have a foreclosure on her credit report.


3. I caught her cheating early in the relationship and uncovered the web of lies she tried to use to cover it up. Since then I believe she has been faithful.



.

#3 should have been more than a Disqualification. You know...the "Deal Breaker" thing.

And even without #3...well, #4 would have done the trick.

 

[Gangster Of Love]

I hear you all. But she does screw like a porn star....

So much for those "utra-conservative" values. :rock:

 

[joekerr31]

money tree, you sir, are behaving like an idiot.

tough love is what you need and its what you are goign to get here.

change the paradigm... ahve you ever heard a man say "guys, what should i do. im with this chic who bangs like a porn star but she has aids. should i leave her?"

no guy asks that, because no one is stupid enough to keep screwing someone with aids.

so why is this any different? she disrespects you at every turn - she's cheated on you, she's mooched off you, she's got upset with you when you try to help her, etc.

now throw in to the mix how she is horrible with money (obviously) and you got yourself a real winner (im beign sarcastic).

outside of getting laid this woman offers next to nothing of value. and guess what? she KNOWS it too! she KNOWS that as long as she puts out you will put up with all kinds of sh*t (she's smart in this sense). and that sir, makes you a big time AFC in this scenario.

as for your kids. dude, life is tough, they will get over it. as long as you take good care of your kids and love them, they will get through it fine. you can't make decisions in YOUR personal life based on whether your kids might get upset now and then. as long as the choices you make still enable you to provide for them and raise them well, then you need to make the decision irrespective of how they feel about it.

at the core of your problem is not the kids or her though. the core of your problem is that you dont feel you can do any better. you don't feel you can find a good woman given your situation. so you figure - ya, she sucks, but shes great in bed. the next one might suck and suck in bed also.

wrong way to think man - NEVER bullsh*t yourself in to accepting a low quality woman as the best you can do.

you are better off being alone and j*rking off to porn than shacking up with this woman.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Yo, Finance Officer MONEYTREE...


Listen to what the soldiers above are saying to you. Stop letting this woman shake you all around as if you were, uh, err...well,...a "money tree". lol
True, this is the Mature Man Forum, but it is a rarer thing than you realize whenever you see most of the highly-decorated men here agree on a topic----so TAKE HEED.

I would say this to you:

Stop living your life as if you are a LIVING SACRAFICE. Instead, sit quietly, honestly review your life, then decide to make changes for the better---across the board. Then become a LIVING WEAPON, directed at utterly destroying all obstacles that stand in the way of you enjoying YOUR life.

From your post, it would seem you are somewhat of a man of means, I would advise you to take those means and direct them in a fashion that will benefit YOU rather than "just" other people. Again, from your post it would seem as if you have ALLOWED yourself to become defined by the women in your life as "he who gives his all---even to HIS detriment".

You have to STOP this behavior because it is self-defeating. You are NOT a martyr, Officer Moneytree. No, you do not exist here on this earth as merely a conduit of blessing for other people ONLY. I have been where you are, but on a smaller scale.

Many would called it the Captain-save-a-Ho mentality, and although they would be right, I think that that label can sometimes be unfair and a little too harsh.

What's really happening to you is that the world (especially some of the SELFISH women in it) see the sincerity of your giving nature and then choose to TAKE advantage of it AND YOU. You MUST stand up for yourself for a change, and let the chips fall where they may in regards to the feelings of other people.

You have reached out to this woman, your intentions have been altruistic, and it appears you've also been LONG-SUFFERING. And for what? For someone who seems at worst UNGRATEFUL, and at best UNREPENTANT. You don't owe this woman ANYTHING. So stop investing in someone who has a history of dishonesty, unfaithfulness, and selfishness-----and instead, invest in YOURSELF.

It should ALWAYS be the one who shyts on the relationship that has the guilty conscience when it ends-----not the one who gave it their ALL. So remember that after you cut this dead weight chick loose and those inevitable "silly second thoughts" try to seep into your mind during weak moments.

Take your money and your time and your efforts and focus them onto YOU for a change. Enhance YOUR life in every way that comes to mind. Build YOURSELF up. Do the things that fill YOU up. You will be surprised at how much more joy, energy, and oddly, "COMPASSION" you will generate as a result----because you will be more at peace, and your heart will DEFINITELY be in the right place and your conscience will be crystal clear.

And you don't even have to be a religious person, or even a spiritual person to appreciate THIS observation from the scriptures:

The Bible gives account of times when beggars, blind men, cripples, hungry, tired, and oppressed people were turned away by Jesus HIMSELF at different times. Why? Because he recognized that the power to be a blessing to other people was fueled by his prayer time, his communion time, his re-FILLING time that he spent ALONE in the presence of God.

Jesus KNEW that he could ONLY be a "giver" to other people only AFTER he was "filled" himself.

So the lmessage is clear:

When giving to someone else causes HARM to your own well-being, or to the potential success of YOUR greater mission in life, then that's a warning that it is DEFINITELY time for you to STOP.

If you are NOT a selfish person by nature, then "giving" is best done from a state of OVERFLOW, rather than sacrifice. So whenever you hear people saying "give til it hurts", they don't mean LITERALLY. lol

So if giving your time, money, and energy to this woman has become painful, KNOW that this is proof positive that you have probably been overextending yourself emotionally and spiritually for quite some time now as well...so please...STOP.

Stop holding on to this chick. Because if what you are telling us is fact, then it would appear that your best bet would be to show her the door. And once you do, you may very well be surprised to discover that as THIS woman is walking out your BACK door------"miraculously" that'll make room for a BETTER woman to come knocking at your FRONT.


Peace...one day.

 

[jophil28]

Well said Victory ! I salute your insights , My sentiments exactly.

I have been where the Money Tree is now (twice in 15 years) .. These women are exploiters with an inflated sense of entitlement.
You (as a man) are seen by them as their emotional and financial providers and.... the MORE THAT YOU DO THE LESS THAT THEY DO.
However when you back off and quit "supplying" their every want, whim and need and begin to ask for reciprocity they go nutso and accuse you of "changing " and being "high maintenance " and other mindless crap.
These women are NOT FIT to be a SO in an adult relationship.

Press DELETE now !.

 

[decades]

I noticed something that a lot of us do. What you did was "attempt" to save her from her self created problems by offering a solution to her money issues. You asked her to move in with you so that she could save money. I have also thought about doing this once. I believe a lot of men are inclined to do this. You say you didn't want to get into another rescuing situation but this is exactly what you were going to do. But she actually didn't cooperate with your plan.

Regarding the relationship I also find it compelling that you believe that she has not cheated since you caught her the first time, even though she lied to you and deceived you about all of it. You know she is perfectly capable of lying. Why do you assume she could not do this again? It seems to me that you give up a lot for this relationship and let her get away with too much. I say you at least need to start acting like a guy with a backbone, if not ending it right now.

 

[Latinoman]

Great advice guys!

 

[lookyoung]

Looking for outside perspective on my current relationship. We are both divorced (Me 3 years with 2 boys, her 10 years with 1 girl) and have been dating 3 and a half years. We blend as a family unit well as the kids all get along and we have done vacations together for the last couple of years. My feeling is that overall the lives of my kids are better with her and her daughter as part of it.

But then there is the rub:
1. On last vacation she made it seem like she was going to pay her share of expenses for car rental, activities, etc., but they all ended up on my credit card. When we get back she tells me she's $20K in credit card debt. She's refinanced and taken all the equity out of her house and more. I figure she is $50K upside down on the house if she made needed renovations and adding on selling costs. I offered that she could come and live with me while she pays down her debts and suggested she walk from the house. She's now mad, because I suggested she leave the house behind and have a foreclosure on her credit report.

2. She is ultra-conservative I am a moderate liberal, so we can't really broach political discussions.

3. I caught her cheating early in the relationship and uncovered the web of lies she tried to use to cover it up. Since then I believe she has been faithful.

4. It seems like I am doing all the giving and she's doing the taking. I help here out with repairs on her house, doing her lawn, and she never helps me at my house. I don't expect her to clean my house every week, but it seems that she should find some way to help given how I have helped her out.

Listing all of these things out it seems pretty obvious I should move-on, that there are too many red flags. I guess I just feel bad about the kids and them losing the girlfriend and their daughter in their lives. It is difficult with kids to find a significant other that will blend into a new family unit, even though I have no intention of getting married. I paid my ex-wife's student loan debt, just to have her get the house in the divorce and a hefty monthly payment from me. I really don't want to rescue any woman again, there are no rewards for that in the Family Law courts.

There are way too many redflags in this relationship and the biggest one is that she cheated on you.

When a girl cheats.
1. She does not respect you as a man.
2. She has a low interest level in you.
3. She is not trust worthy.

It seems like you are letting things slide due to your insecurity of being alone. I would recommend to anyone out there that if a woman cheats on you then you get the hell out of the relationship!!!!!!

I don't care if its the mother of your children or if she is a millionaire and you are broke. We are men and must act as men in these situations.

Some of the AFC's will say everyone makes mistakes and there are rough periods in relationship where a girl may cheat...... WRONG. If a girl cheats on you and you take her back then she will always see you as a chump. Subconciously she will never respect you again after you take her back. This is something (No counseling in the world can solve this).

We as men must be leaders. Moneytree be a leader and get the fvck out of this relationship ASAP.

 

[MatureDJ]

This is definitely not a woman to marry - for a number of reasons:

She has low character, and cannot be trusted.

She is an economic basket case that could lead to severe legal entanglements.

She is a great sex partner, however, so I see no problem with keeping her as a fuuck buddy.

 

[WaterTiger]

GOOOOOOOOO! Go far! Go fast! And keep going! She cheats, she can't handle money and she has the morals of a dog in heat! If this isn't enoughreasons then lets try one more:
Loco Parentis: A situation where the stepfather/boyfriend becomes a "Father Figure" to kids not his own. This means that the woman can SUE YOU FOR CHILD SUPPORT! All in the best interests of the children of course.

Think of this also. Is this the type of woman you want your boys hooking up with? A "porn-star" type who has false high morals, cheats on them and spends money like she's Paris Hilton? Children live what they learn from YOU!

 

[Crank_It_Up]

If you are too weak to leave her because of her porn star bedroom behavior, try the next best thing, start cheating on her. Sooner or later you'll meet a girl that can rival her in the bedroom, then your problem will be solved. If you happen to get caught cheating on her and she leaves, problem still solved.

 

[jophil28]

TEll me MoneyTree, how exactly did Ms Ultra Conservative cheat on you ?
I am busting to know the details.