Starting from scratch.

[Loki.7]

It sounds like you got a plan but more importantly, you already got a state of mind to succeed in life and move forward. Good for you.

It's easy to just play victim by complaining and whining about things without setting up plan and goals. It sounds like you're on the right path by not being this way.

I'll be alright that's for sure. It's just a bit of a bummer that's all. You know you get really comfortable in a relationship.

Life was aswome before her, with her and will continue to be awesome without her.

I'm just going though a bit of a storm due to the upheaval. That said I can feel myself healing.

Going to be a little strange getting back into the game but it'll be fine.

 

[nmartinez12443]

Similar situation to you. Back in the game at 38. My advice:

1. Go no contact.

2. Improve all aspects of outer game.
(Get into tip top shape lift weights, improve fashion, whiten/fix teeth, skin care to the max, new haircut, etc).

3. Improve interesante game. Join social groups using meetup etc. for warm approach, go out ALOT.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

I mean no offense but to me that seems to be rooted in insecurity. As in "don't get into a relationship because she will eventually cheat on you or leave you".

No that isn't the point I was trying to make. I wasn't saying not to get into a relationship, but rather to really ask yourself why you want one, and understand that after learning what relationships truly are, and that they are very different from what you likely grew up thinking they were, you may reconsider the importance and desirability of a relationship, as well as who you choose to have one with. I myself am a relationship oriented person. But these days I go into it eyes wide open knowing what it is and isn't, whereas most guys who are blue pill and find themselves here on the forum looking for advice after a devastating breakup do not go in eyes wide open. For them, relationships are this magical thing that they seek out as one of the most important goals of their lives, yet they never really stopped to understand why it's so important to them and what they are really achieving from it. That's what your friend in your second example did - latching on to a woman and not being happy with the relationship. Often times what drives a man to be in a relationship is neediness, fear, laziness, and lack of self-confidence. So long as you've done the work to understand these things, and your motivation for a relationship is not driven by these things, then being open to a relationship is fine.

 

[Scaramouche]

Hi Loki,
Yes,can empathise with you Mate, at 37 I was enjoying a Boxing Day breakfast being the previous Christmas Days Dinner Wreckage,when out of the blue,there was a knock at the Door....Two Gendarmes with a warrant sworn out by Wifey...The Senior one,a very understanding Bloke,asks me to vacate the premises within 2 Hours!...I was a Building Contractor at the time luckily I had a House I owned and was renovating for resale,it had a large metal Garage,so I had somewhere to store a mountain of gear,the trailers and Heavy Tools, I locked up outside on the Street and using a Friends Flat Bed Truck,under the Eagle Eye of the Female Police Officer left to look after things,packed up the accumulation of a life time....I was not allowed to take my Filing Cabinet with all my Business Details,personal papers etc...Useful stuff for Wifey to establish a Property Division and Settlement!....You seem to be an Amiable Chap and after a few angry weeks you will be right! So good Luck Old Fellah!

 

[Atom Smasher]

You know you get really comfortable in a relationship.

This will usually tank a relationship. The man gets comfortable, regards her as a bit of a mommy figure, and stops gaming her. He stops the push/pull, stops the tension, stops the mystery and excitement.

OP, were you gainfully employed while living with her? Eventually (and you may not be ready yet), you’re going to have to analyze what your part was in the breakup in order to learn from it.

In my experience the worst thing a man can do is live with his girlfriend, especially when it comes to moving into hers. You’re always regarded as a guest. Either live apart or marry. Playing husband and wife without any real commitment is a very tenuous position to put oneself in. Don’t forget, a woman will always experience things differently than a man will.

At some point it would be profitable to analyze what went wrong. It’s rarely a simple case of her just having an affair willy-nilly. There were probably many unseen signs being broadcasted during the last year. Women usually check out of a relationship six months to a year before the man hears about it. They grieve the loss of the relationship and achieve a certain closure months before lowering the boom on the man. That’s why they can be so icy cold when breaking up. She left you many months before you got the news.

 

[RangerMIke]

Sorry to hear this, but it is a story we hear all too frequently. Really hard to say why this thing went side-ways, but it does happen for any number of reasons. However, there is a trend in situations where the man gets completely blind-sided, especially in circumstances were there is a live in situation.

I know a lot of dudes where something like this happened, where a man says "Mike, I don't know what happened... we never fought... no arguments... everything was fine. Then I go home and out of nowhere my girl hands me walking papers." Another twist on this, if she is living with you... she packs up her stuff and moves out leaving only a note that says "Sorry".

Okay, I'm not saying this is what happened to the OP, because there is not enough information to go on. But if you are in a relationship with a chick, and you NEVER argue, well.... this is NOT healthy. There has to be SOME tension, women are never completely comfortable if there isn't some disagreement now and then. Women NEED to emotional roller-coaster. Relationships where there is no disagreement, you always have one or the other ALWAYS giving in to keep the peace.

If the man is always giving in, well... the woman just sees him as weak. If the woman is always giving in, well.... her frustration just builds and builds... Chicks are like volcanos, they will keep this sh1t inside... there is little indication that she is building resentment until the top blows off. You have to vent this now and then by being a little selfish and not giving in all the time, or press her when you sense she is holding something in.... You have to drag this out of women. If she says "I'm fine" and you have any amount of emotional intelligence you will know she isn't fine. You have to pull this out of her.

The simple truth is that once this is on the surface, you might discover that what she wants is not something you are willing to give... at that point you have to pick up your balls and leave, but if it is something you can negotiate, and something you can live with... then go ahead and do it. @oldmanofthesea makes a good point... you don't want a relationship for the sake of having a relationship, you have to find the RIGHT relationship.

Now advice to the OP... and something which is oft repeated. You need to move on and try to forget about her. Really, you can not dwell on this at all... if you find yourself thinking about her, change the subject in your mind and get busy with something productive. There is no magic pill, you are going to feel pain and resentment. But you have to let this sh1t go. She wasn't right for you, now just go out and work on being the best version of yourself you can be.

 

[The_Hand_Of_God]

Not even a proper discussion. "Basically it's not over anything in particular, we've been growing apart , I still love you , but we should break up " .

Not really talked since. It kinda ****ed with my head. No closure. Kinda feel a bit like I'm in limbo if I'm honest.

Cowards move mate. She knows that will have ****ed with your head n all.

 

[Larry Lurex]

This is the second thread you’ve started about your situation.

It must hurt, but you must snap out of your self-pity.

Get lifting and start getting active with your schutzhund group. Pet-safe your property and get in touch with working dog breeders if you’re looking for a pup.

You must accept that it’s going to take time for things to improve, but you need to start pronto. Burn that bridge if you have to.

 

[Loki.7]

New problem. This new women has fallen for me hard. She's actually alright and I like her, but it feels like It could go down a rabbit hole.

I've probably been broke up just under a month and I still miss my ex. So I don't see this going anywhere. It started out as a sexual thing.

She's really into me!!! It's almost a bit much.

 

[Lookatu]

New problem. This new women has fallen for me hard. She's actually alright and I like her, but it feels like It could go down a rabbit hole.

I've probably been broke up just under a month and I still miss my ex. So I don't see this going anywhere. It started out as a sexual thing.

She's really into me!!! It's almost a bit much.

Does she know you only broke up within a month? Have you communicated this with her? Just manage her expectations and keep the communications channel open. Definitely make sure that she knows you only broke up within a month and you're not ready for anything serious yet.

 

[Loki.7]

Does she know you only broke up within a month? Have you communicated this with her? Just manage her expectations and keep the communications channel open. Definitely make sure that she knows you only broke up within a month and you're not ready for anything serious yet.

I've literally told her EVERYTHING.I've even told her I just want to sleep around and I'm not even over my EX. It ain't even about sex with her , she wants me. I like her too, but it's too soon.

Quite a few other women into me but she's the one I've clicked with. Although I'm not ready.

It's nuts ! Women don't seem to give a damb. On paper I'm a disaster! Ain't making a blind bit of difference to them.

I don't know why all these women are finding me so attractive right now ! I suppose it speaks volumes about the quality if the other guys out there!!!

I'm not even a super attractive guy. I'm pretty average. Mabye lockdown has made it super easy to pick up women? I don't know.

I've always done ok but now it's like shooting fish in the barrel.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

I've literally told her EVERYTHING.

My advice is to be careful with this. Especially early-on with women. I have learned, the painful and hard way to never talk about exes with girls I'm dating. If they ask what happened aka why did you break up, I say, "She just wasn't what I was looking for in a long-term partner" and if she continues to pry, I just say with a sly smile, "Well..... I never kiss and tell." I could write you a list of bad things I have experienced from sharing literally anything about past relationships with other women. Some women will then try to make you feel like you are doing something shameful - like you're hiding what really happened because it was all your fault and you cheated or whatever, but sticking to your guns is the best idea. They actually like it because they like a guy who stands up to them and they also like a guy who doesn't talk sh*t about their exes because they figure if things don't work out with you, they won't have to worry about you talking sh*t about them to other people. Plus, it's a red flag when a person complains about their ex. Suggests possible NPD/BPD - it's all everyone else's fault - I take no responsibility at all, including why I chose this person and why I chose to stick with them despite all the "mistreatment" I've been describing.

It's nuts ! Women don't seem to give a damb. On paper I'm a disaster! Ain't making a blind bit of difference to them.

Oh they give a damn. They give a damn how you make them feel. So long as your looks and actions and the way you treat them makes them feel what they want to feel, the rest doesn't matter. You could be an unemployed drug addict fresh out of jail on rape charges and it wouldn't matter to her. She will rationalize all that away, following her emotions, if you make her feel good.

 

[Loki.7]

My advice is to be careful with this. Especially early-on with women. I have learned, the painful and hard way to never talk about exes with girls I'm dating. If they ask what happened aka why did you break up, I say, "She just wasn't what I was looking for in a long-term partner" and if she continues to pry, I just say with a sly smile, "Well..... I never kiss and tell." I could write you a list of bad things I have experienced from sharing literally anything about past relationships with other women. Some women will then try to make you feel like you are doing something shameful - like you're hiding what really happened because it was all your fault and you cheated or whatever, but sticking to your guns is the best idea. They actually like it because they like a guy who stands up to them and they also like a guy who doesn't talk sh*t about their exes because they figure if things don't work out with you, they won't have to worry about you talking sh*t about them to other people. Plus, it's a red flag when a person complains about their ex. Suggests possible NPD/BPD - it's all everyone else's fault - I take no responsibility at all, including why I chose this person and why I chose to stick with them despite all the "mistreatment" I've been describing.



Oh they give a damn. They give a damn how you make them feel. So long as your looks and actions and the way you treat them makes them feel what they want to feel, the rest doesn't matter. You could be an unemployed drug addict fresh out of jail on rape charges and it wouldn't matter to her. She will rationalize all that away, following her emotions, if you make her feel good.

Yeah I've not gone into details my ex. Basically I mean everything as in, been broke up a month and my current situation.

Totally agree with everything you said.

As with this new girl, she just seems to be into me a bit too much. It seems like she would worship me also seeing an insecure vibe.

Not a deal breaker. I do actually like a lot about her BUT I've only seen her best behaviour.

Don't know , I could be seeing a red flag.

 

[Loki.7]

This is the second thread you’ve started about your situation.

It must hurt, but you must snap out of your self-pity.

Get lifting and start getting active with your schutzhund group. Pet-safe your property and get in touch with working dog breeders if you’re looking for a pup.

You must accept that it’s going to take time for things to improve, but you need to start pronto. Burn that bridge if you have to.

Dunno mate, I need time to mourn. Feels like I have a hole , like part of me is missing.

I think I need to go through this. It's probably why I'm filling that hole with other women. Which isn't the best thing to do in hindsight.

You're right though I do need to find myself. Schutzhund and strength training is where I'll do that.

Easier said than done though as it's pretty easy to find a women and temporary fill that hole. Ain't the right path though.

Missing her so much if in being honest with myself. I know I'll be alright. I don't need her or anything and I'll be fine without but I'm only human. So I suppose being sad and mourning is something that just needs to happen. Heartbreak is just something I need to go through.

Ain't even ashamed or feel weak for saying either.

 

[Loki.7]

My advice is to be careful with this. Especially early-on with women. I have learned, the painful and hard way to never talk about exes with girls I'm dating. If they ask what happened aka why did you break up, I say, "She just wasn't what I was looking for in a long-term partner" and if she continues to pry, I just say with a sly smile, "Well..... I never kiss and tell." I could write you a list of bad things I have experienced from sharing literally anything about past relationships with other women. Some women will then try to make you feel like you are doing something shameful - like you're hiding what really happened because it was all your fault and you cheated or whatever, but sticking to your guns is the best idea. They actually like it because they like a guy who stands up to them and they also like a guy who doesn't talk sh*t about their exes because they figure if things don't work out with you, they won't have to worry about you talking sh*t about them to other people. Plus, it's a red flag when a person complains about their ex. Suggests possible NPD/BPD - it's all everyone else's fault - I take no responsibility at all, including why I chose this person and why I chose to stick with them despite all the "mistreatment" I've been describing.



Oh they give a damn. They give a damn how you make them feel. So long as your looks and actions and the way you treat them makes them feel what they want to feel, the rest doesn't matter. You could be an unemployed drug addict fresh out of jail on rape charges and it wouldn't matter to her. She will rationalize all that away, following her emotions, if you make her feel good.

Plus I ain't even ready for this!