IAMHOLLYWOOD
Don Juan
At all times great hunters must remain prepared, for one does not know what he will encounter on his daily duties-for all he may know a trophy prey may walk by at any moment. Now don’t be mistaken, this is no story about trophy prey. This is a simple warning to all hunters
No matter how prepared you are or how good your weapons are there will always be variables you cannot account for during the hunt
On this Sunday night, as any and most Sunday nights, I traveled to The Bar in Coral Gables for half price beers, and to unwind after a long day at work. I don’t go to the Bar to pick-up girls, it really is to unwind. I am, however, always prepared to hunt. So I took my seat on the open side of the bar, it was a less crowded, but there was quality in the room.
While I sat drinking my beer, I couldn’t help but notice that there was a cute girl a few stools to my left. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see that she was staring at me. She was cute, a 7.5, but she appeared to be with the guy to her left, or at least that was what he wanted. The poor guy was attempting to hold a set with her and failing badly.
I feel I have to critique his game for reference later on:
1. Clothing: He looked like he was trying, but in the wrong way-he had a plaid short sleeve button down shirt on that looked like he ironed to go out, and cargo shorts (if we were in Key West, than yes).
2. His body language was way off-he was sitting to her left but since she was turned towards me it put him behind her. His arms were crossed in front of him, closing himself off to her and keeping himself from being able to engage her.
Back to the story: realizing that this girl is staring at me, I make eye contact and shoot a little smile in her direction (hey, why not?). Within the next fifteen minutes the guy wanders off and in my peripheral vision I see her grab a napkin, ask the bartender for a pen and jot something down on the napkin. She then gets the bartender's attention, hands him the note and he delivers it to me and says, 'apparently we're in fifth grade again.'
I flipped the napkin over, it had her name and number on it and it said, 'I wanted to talk to you.' I chuckled upon reading it, it was cheesy, but worked.
I glanced over my shoulder and shot her an even more playful smile. The guy that had been buzzing around here was still no where to be found so I motioned for her to take a seat next to me.
She's all smiles when she sits down, 'I feel kind of bad,' she said, 'I met up with that other guy here, and he bought all of my drinks.'
I look in the direction of where the guy is sitting with another group of people, smile and respond, 'Well maybe I should thank him then,' (in retrospect, he should have thanked me).
The conversation rolled as it would, it turns out that she's 34 which intrigued me even further (c'mon, cougar). She talked about astrology (what the hell is with the girls I meet and that crap lately), then she started talking about how she's a photographer. The conversation of photography worked perfectly.
Strauss talks about how a great way to get a woman interested in continuing the conversation with you is to show her that the two of you have things in common, so as you can imagine photography was my hook. As we talked about it I reached into my pocket for one of my business cards, but I didn’t have any (this turned out to be a very, very good thing).
My curiosity got the best of me, so I asked where she met plaid shirt guy. She told me that her and him met on plentyoffish.com, and that he's 21, etc… Now, as I said earlier, she's 34, using a online dating site and met up with a 21 year old guy at a bar-there were plenty of big red flags, I just apparently chose to ignore them.
In direct contrast to plaid shirt guy's game mine was on point:
1. I played the eye contact and smile game to show her that I was interested and not creepy since I was obviously having a good time, even if I was there alone.
2. My body language told her that I was open, and that my attention was on her. I kept my arms from covering my torso and kept eye contact while we talked.
3. Once I knew I had her full interest I started on kino. My approach was smooth-I simply put my hand on the back of her chair and any chance I got I would simply graze her back which successfully showed her that touching was allowed.
4. I kept the conversation about her, girls love to talk about themselves; however, I made sure that I related a lot of the things she talked about to myself in order to make her comfortable and show her that we're alike.
When the conversation on age came up (I know, I mentioned her age out of chronological order) I was openly honest about mine but when she said she was 34 I playfully looked her up and down and say, 'bull****, there is no way your 34.' She then showed me her license.
'Wow,' I responded, 'I wouldn't even have guessed 25.'
Smiling, she responds, 'Well, for that you deserve a kiss.' I think you can figure out what happened there. Sadly she was an below par kisser-but a make-out is a make-out.
At approximately quarter after one, the girl that I have been seeing fairly regularly sends me a text message asking me if I'm at The Bar because her and her friend are thinking of coming for a drink. Now I'm panicking because the 34 year old has been in my lap making out with me and there is no way that I can get rid of her. So while she's in the bathroom I decide just to lie in my response and tell the girl I've been seeing that I went to a bar by work instead-worked like a charm.
At this point in the night the lights have been turned on in the bar, and we're already past last call-its do or die time. She asks me to walk her to her car by Tarpon Bend, which she could not pronounce to save her life. Of course I agree to walk her there, I'm hoping to take this woman home and have sex with her.
I'm confident, at this point, that I have made all the correct moves and laid the groundwork for a solid one night stand with a cougar that I gamed at The Bar. After walking her to her car, she lets me drive myself back to my car so that I don’t have to walk back along. Sitting parked behind my car, she positions her straddling me in the driver's seat, and the intense make-out session begins-we're still on track. Things are going good, and at 23 years old, I've never had a situation that’s reached this point go south.
She sits back, looks me in the face and says, 'I like guys who are honest; if you want to **** me, then tell me you want to **** me.'
A lot of thoughts ran through my drunk, blood deprived brain. It went something like this: Ok Hollywood, here we go. You know, we've heard that being honest works, but its not like you. Maybe you should play coy and pretend that’s not your sole intention. C'mon man, **** it, you want her so tell her you want her.
I looked her up and down and met eyes with her. 'I want to **** you,' rolled off my tongue. It was at this exact moment where I realized that all that training and those perfect and sharp weapons stood no chance against a prey that just did not want to die (or get ****ed).
Although I thought I had done the right thing and stated my intentions it was, apparently, not at all what she wanted to her. She flipped out, started ranting and raving saying ridiculous statements like: 'all guys are the same, all you want is ass,' and like 'I'm 34, I've done the one night stand thing, I'm done with that ****!'
Now as I stated earlier, at this point I am drunk and this crazy woman, who was just straddling me is upset that I want to **** her-yea, that makes a lot of sense.
Smirking now, I look her in the eyes, 'sweetheart, I'm 23 years old, you expect me to want anymore from a girl who was on my lap in a bar?' I say to her with the upmost conviction. This statement causes her to retreat back to the passenger seat, granting me freedom. More ramblings ensued; however, I was concerned with one thing: ESCAPE!
In my peripheral vision I can see that the driver's side door is unlocked, and I know for a fact that I did not lock my driver's side door when I arrived at The Bar, so this was my chance.
Without skipping a beat I murmur, 'oh look at the time, I gotta run,' jump out the car door, slamming it shut. In what was probably the smoothest and most fluid drunken get-away of all time, I jumped into my car, started it, and peeled out leaving the crazy's car in my rear view. I was GONE!
So hunters, as prepared as you nay believe yourself to be, if that spear does not kill on the first throw be prepared to RUN, for your prey can turn on you at any moment within the hunt. As Starscream says at the end of Revenge of the Fallen : 'sometimes cowards do survive.'
No matter how prepared you are or how good your weapons are there will always be variables you cannot account for during the hunt
On this Sunday night, as any and most Sunday nights, I traveled to The Bar in Coral Gables for half price beers, and to unwind after a long day at work. I don’t go to the Bar to pick-up girls, it really is to unwind. I am, however, always prepared to hunt. So I took my seat on the open side of the bar, it was a less crowded, but there was quality in the room.
While I sat drinking my beer, I couldn’t help but notice that there was a cute girl a few stools to my left. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see that she was staring at me. She was cute, a 7.5, but she appeared to be with the guy to her left, or at least that was what he wanted. The poor guy was attempting to hold a set with her and failing badly.
I feel I have to critique his game for reference later on:
1. Clothing: He looked like he was trying, but in the wrong way-he had a plaid short sleeve button down shirt on that looked like he ironed to go out, and cargo shorts (if we were in Key West, than yes).
2. His body language was way off-he was sitting to her left but since she was turned towards me it put him behind her. His arms were crossed in front of him, closing himself off to her and keeping himself from being able to engage her.
Back to the story: realizing that this girl is staring at me, I make eye contact and shoot a little smile in her direction (hey, why not?). Within the next fifteen minutes the guy wanders off and in my peripheral vision I see her grab a napkin, ask the bartender for a pen and jot something down on the napkin. She then gets the bartender's attention, hands him the note and he delivers it to me and says, 'apparently we're in fifth grade again.'
I flipped the napkin over, it had her name and number on it and it said, 'I wanted to talk to you.' I chuckled upon reading it, it was cheesy, but worked.
I glanced over my shoulder and shot her an even more playful smile. The guy that had been buzzing around here was still no where to be found so I motioned for her to take a seat next to me.
She's all smiles when she sits down, 'I feel kind of bad,' she said, 'I met up with that other guy here, and he bought all of my drinks.'
I look in the direction of where the guy is sitting with another group of people, smile and respond, 'Well maybe I should thank him then,' (in retrospect, he should have thanked me).
The conversation rolled as it would, it turns out that she's 34 which intrigued me even further (c'mon, cougar). She talked about astrology (what the hell is with the girls I meet and that crap lately), then she started talking about how she's a photographer. The conversation of photography worked perfectly.
Strauss talks about how a great way to get a woman interested in continuing the conversation with you is to show her that the two of you have things in common, so as you can imagine photography was my hook. As we talked about it I reached into my pocket for one of my business cards, but I didn’t have any (this turned out to be a very, very good thing).
My curiosity got the best of me, so I asked where she met plaid shirt guy. She told me that her and him met on plentyoffish.com, and that he's 21, etc… Now, as I said earlier, she's 34, using a online dating site and met up with a 21 year old guy at a bar-there were plenty of big red flags, I just apparently chose to ignore them.
In direct contrast to plaid shirt guy's game mine was on point:
1. I played the eye contact and smile game to show her that I was interested and not creepy since I was obviously having a good time, even if I was there alone.
2. My body language told her that I was open, and that my attention was on her. I kept my arms from covering my torso and kept eye contact while we talked.
3. Once I knew I had her full interest I started on kino. My approach was smooth-I simply put my hand on the back of her chair and any chance I got I would simply graze her back which successfully showed her that touching was allowed.
4. I kept the conversation about her, girls love to talk about themselves; however, I made sure that I related a lot of the things she talked about to myself in order to make her comfortable and show her that we're alike.
When the conversation on age came up (I know, I mentioned her age out of chronological order) I was openly honest about mine but when she said she was 34 I playfully looked her up and down and say, 'bull****, there is no way your 34.' She then showed me her license.
'Wow,' I responded, 'I wouldn't even have guessed 25.'
Smiling, she responds, 'Well, for that you deserve a kiss.' I think you can figure out what happened there. Sadly she was an below par kisser-but a make-out is a make-out.
At approximately quarter after one, the girl that I have been seeing fairly regularly sends me a text message asking me if I'm at The Bar because her and her friend are thinking of coming for a drink. Now I'm panicking because the 34 year old has been in my lap making out with me and there is no way that I can get rid of her. So while she's in the bathroom I decide just to lie in my response and tell the girl I've been seeing that I went to a bar by work instead-worked like a charm.
At this point in the night the lights have been turned on in the bar, and we're already past last call-its do or die time. She asks me to walk her to her car by Tarpon Bend, which she could not pronounce to save her life. Of course I agree to walk her there, I'm hoping to take this woman home and have sex with her.
I'm confident, at this point, that I have made all the correct moves and laid the groundwork for a solid one night stand with a cougar that I gamed at The Bar. After walking her to her car, she lets me drive myself back to my car so that I don’t have to walk back along. Sitting parked behind my car, she positions her straddling me in the driver's seat, and the intense make-out session begins-we're still on track. Things are going good, and at 23 years old, I've never had a situation that’s reached this point go south.
She sits back, looks me in the face and says, 'I like guys who are honest; if you want to **** me, then tell me you want to **** me.'
A lot of thoughts ran through my drunk, blood deprived brain. It went something like this: Ok Hollywood, here we go. You know, we've heard that being honest works, but its not like you. Maybe you should play coy and pretend that’s not your sole intention. C'mon man, **** it, you want her so tell her you want her.
I looked her up and down and met eyes with her. 'I want to **** you,' rolled off my tongue. It was at this exact moment where I realized that all that training and those perfect and sharp weapons stood no chance against a prey that just did not want to die (or get ****ed).
Although I thought I had done the right thing and stated my intentions it was, apparently, not at all what she wanted to her. She flipped out, started ranting and raving saying ridiculous statements like: 'all guys are the same, all you want is ass,' and like 'I'm 34, I've done the one night stand thing, I'm done with that ****!'
Now as I stated earlier, at this point I am drunk and this crazy woman, who was just straddling me is upset that I want to **** her-yea, that makes a lot of sense.
Smirking now, I look her in the eyes, 'sweetheart, I'm 23 years old, you expect me to want anymore from a girl who was on my lap in a bar?' I say to her with the upmost conviction. This statement causes her to retreat back to the passenger seat, granting me freedom. More ramblings ensued; however, I was concerned with one thing: ESCAPE!
In my peripheral vision I can see that the driver's side door is unlocked, and I know for a fact that I did not lock my driver's side door when I arrived at The Bar, so this was my chance.
Without skipping a beat I murmur, 'oh look at the time, I gotta run,' jump out the car door, slamming it shut. In what was probably the smoothest and most fluid drunken get-away of all time, I jumped into my car, started it, and peeled out leaving the crazy's car in my rear view. I was GONE!
So hunters, as prepared as you nay believe yourself to be, if that spear does not kill on the first throw be prepared to RUN, for your prey can turn on you at any moment within the hunt. As Starscream says at the end of Revenge of the Fallen : 'sometimes cowards do survive.'