Someone please help me. I'm lost.

[nousername]

I've been reading this board for a little while now and i just need to get this off my chest otherwise i'm just going to keep feeling depressed every day. I feel suicidal at the moment and i was never like this. I'm sorry for the big post but i need to do this.

Please listen to my story, i know there are guys that have been through what i'm going through and have come out strong i just need some reassurance.


Here goes.


I was always a kind of shyish but very smart little boy and grew up with a VERY capable father. My dad was my hero and in my eyes is what all men should be. He got what he wanted, when he wanted, but in a way that everyone respected and admired him, including me. Sadly, i only knew him properly from 13 onwards and thats when i would wake up every day feeling the best I have ever felt. No worries, no stress, nothing, i'm assuming from just being around him i felt this way. I would get any girl i wanted from 13-18 and had no problems with negativity. My mum is a gambler and never really took care of my like a proper mum should, even though i lived with her up until 13.


Anyway.
My life was going very smoothly and i really had no problems in life up until when my dad randomly passed away from a heart attack at the age of 46. It came as a shock to me, and I was only 18, this was 3 years ago, so i'm 21 now.

When he died it literally tore me apart and has ****ed with me ever since. He was the closest person to me and ANY problem i had in life he would have the answer to, or help me out. Although his death tore me apart it didn't at first, as i actually became VERY happy and outgoing and tried to make the best of it, (im assuming the stage of denial in grief).

So after he died i was taken in by a family friend to live with them, the wife her husband and their daughter and son. The family friend, lets call her Bella (the wife) really helped me out and i thank her for that. The first 2 or so months i was still my positive self, actually more so positive because of my other brothers and sister looking up to me for support. I was the backbone of the remainder of my family.

So i took a holiday down state, and then up state pulling lots of women as usual and feeling very happy and free about myself. I had a feeling of contentment, like dad was watching over me and i knew everything was going to be okay anyway. (I think still in the stage of denial).

After i came back from the holidays i continued to live with this family but i noticed their house was run a lot differently, being that the father figure was always at work and didnt really have much say in the family, the mother, Bella, was the nurturing friendly one who always spoke to me.

Their daughter and i began to form a on and off flirty sort of bond and i could tell she wanted me, because back then i behaved what i assumed like a real man does, and i did get a lot of women. So i just laughed at this and took it for what it was. One night we were on the lounge and this had been a good 3-4 months of me living with this new family, but i looked into her eyes and told her that i loved her as we cuddled. I'd never really opened up to someone like this before and it was definitely weird. By this time she was really into me and loved the attention she was getting from a more popular guy etc. I actually did believe that i loved her though, at the time.

So we began "secretly" dating because we didn't want her parents to find out. She literally adored me at the time, and we have been dating for the past 3 years. Anyway, somewhere along the line i lost my trust for her and she lost my trust for me. She was always worried that i'd fk her friends behind her back mainly because they used to show interest in me. And to be honest i was a bit of a flirt, just with my personality and the person i was at the time.

I'm not sure if im going too deeply into things here but i just don't know anything anymore.

We had a good bond me and this girl. Very good. As i said i've dated and lived with her for the past 3 years. I got heavily into video games after a year or so and stopped going out, stopped going to the gym, lost my body that i had, and my social skills that used to pull the women. I could sense that she was kinda losing some attraction for me but i didn't really care because i knew that as long as she was more attracted to me as i was to her, I'd be okay. (weird thinking or not idk).

So she started talking to one of my friends behind my back and even went to the extent of inviting him over and taking him to a water park with the family, behind my back. This REALLY got to me and i took it out on her and went full blown psycho angry. I told her that she is NEVER to talk to this guy again, no texting, no nothing. I started to get feelings of i just wanted to go back to the old me, with no stress and no problems, but they were conflicted with feelings that i love this girl and i want no other man to have her. So i stayed around, but put her in her place everytime she tried to step out of line and soon we were actually in a happy relationship, and i assumed it was because i was acting like how a "man" should.

Then her mother stepped in and basically said I was being to abusive and using my power to hard on her and making her upset. And because i lived in their house and had nowhere to go i couldn't really argue or go against the grain.

Anyway after some time i caved in and started being nice to her to make the mother like me again. But this is where it just gets ****ed up. I lost my social skills, and all my desire to go out and **** other women and actually got attached to the girl. I think this is where it really started going downhill but one day i caught her talking to the same guy i told her not to, so i completely flipped again, and told her i was moving out of the house and not coming back. And i did. I moved into a friend house and im still here now.

At this time, my girlfriend started developing heart problems and was diagnosed with a rare condition called WPW syndrome. Basically she would have heart palpitation and mini heart attacks that'd get to the point of her in pain so she'd cry and couldnt breathe. She just recently had surgery done on it but still needs 4 more operations. I know that women will try to use pity to get you back when they realise they need you and i assume this is what she's doing, but i could never get the feeling of, "what if she randomly died tomorrow and didnt realise how much she actually meant to me" out of my head. It basically started bringing back feelings of how my dad unexpectedly died.

So i went out and visited her in hospital and we basically started dating again because i thought i loved her. I also started using drugs quite heavily at this time, a lot of weed, bit of acid, and lots of alcohol, and ritalin (form of speed).

Anyways we got into a big argument last night because she came around when i was drunk, i felt like i couldnt control the interaction between me, her and my friend and felt angry and told my friend to leave. (hes a guy).

He did leave, and then i basically raged at my girlfriend, but with a smile on my face, kind of maniacally, told her to leave and never come back. I kept asking her why she came and i told her i wanted her to go home, even though i didn't really inside. She didn't leave and we started having a good night after a while until her mum called and told her to go home because she didn't want her seeing me. I sent her mum a huge text message saying how much i cared for her and i just wanted to see her this one last night and she didnt even reply. I sent the girlfriend home.

Then the next day me and my girlfriend have a bit of an argument on the phone and she yells out crying that she fked my brother, and hung up. Now i realise that this could be an attempt to make me jealous, because she only did this when i mentioned how her best friend would text me and i wouldn't reply (to be faithful to her). But my intuition is telling me no, she said it for a reason, especially if she did it when she was angry, and then hung up.

Truth is, i know i shouldn't care about her and just move on, because i used to be the guy that all the guys admired, and all the girls wanted to ****, but now i'm just completely broken and shattered and don't know what to do.

I sent her a message saying, "So all this time you've been too much of a little *****, too scared, to just break up with me? Well I'm doing it now, enjoy your life and good luck."

She has texted me numerous times in the past half an hour and tried calling me on both blocked and non-blocked numbers. My first instinct is to call her and just work things out but i know this will happen again.

What i want to know is that how can i just go back to my old normal self, stress free, no worries and just be happy?

Is it because i place my happiness on this girl too much? I'm thinking i should just leave her but it's very hard to imagine not talking to her. I understand about the no-contact challenge and when i've tried to do this in the past, i've given in when i found out she has had heart problems and is in hospital.

I don't know what to do and I've realised that the past two 2 years of my life has been the worst mental state I've ever been in. I need someone to just set me straight and help me get back to ME.

I'm sorry for the rant guys, but just before i posted this i had the sudden urge to just get up and end my life. Writing this post just saved my life and if anyone can just read it and help me out in any way I'd be very appreciative.

Thankyou.

 

[Suspens]

Me and you have been in the same situation.

My father died a few months ago, he was only 46-47, and I know how painful it is to lose someone who always loved you and deeply cared for you unconditionally:

Let me tell you a secret about a father's love
A secret that my daddy said was just between us
He said daddies don't just love their children every now and then
It's a love without end, amen

I felt so empty and depressed that I chased every activity I found enjoyable, any way that I could fill this void. I also started smoking, no drugs tough.

After a few weeks I found a girl who had everything I wanted, physically. Green eyes, chubby legs, nice boobs, horny voice tone. And a typical slut makeup, which I always liked.

After 3 months of seeing each other 4 days a week, i lost the motivation to go out and practice my skills with girls and It was getting worse everyday, I stopped working, all I did was thinking about that girl. I started acting jealous and insecure. Though she was the one initiating the texts and dates, I knew I was more invested than her. Because I know she was still talking to her ex on the phone, while she was the only girl in my life. So I had to get out, because I know I'm wasting my time with this girl and missing better opportunities, both romantic and financial opportunities.

You have to do the same mate, change your number, move to another town if possible. The moment you express jealousy, you give her all the power, jealousy suggests to her that she can do better. Also if she keeps doing things that hurt you, and she knows you are sensitive about it, you have to accept she isn't in love anymore and does not deserve your attention and time.

We have dealt with the loss of our fathers, so losing a cack-smuggling hoe is not even comparable. Good luck mate, STAY STRONG:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=160056&page=249

 

[IndeedSir]

Remember these words. You do not want to kill yourself, you just want the pain to stop. Think about what is causing you pain and eradicate it from your life. Remember the period of your life that you were the most happy. You can get back to that place and further beyond it. It just takes some self-reflection, some work and persistence. Depression is a bastard in the way that it kills your motivation to do anything. The key to moving forward is continuing to do when you don't want to. Feel free to PM me whenever you want. Peace.

 

[MOTU]

All good stuff posted above, I will just add: set a few goals for yourself, the kind it sounds like your father would have set for himself. Then get fanatical about achieving them. But not goals that have anything to do with chicks, they should be about you. Maybe lose 15lbs. Do an ironman. Buy a new truck. Get a promotion. Whatever, as long as they are about you.

Sounds like your dad left you a wonderful gift - a roadmap to success, that you got to see firsthand. Follow it. Think about how your dad prioritized his activities, then emulate it. Think about how your dad dealt with adversity, then do it. Think about your dad's goals. Copy them.

Stay strong. Listen to "Rise above this" by Seether every morning and every night.

 

[nousername]

Hey guys, thanks for the replies, it does make me feel like someone cares.

Just an update.

She has persisted and persisted to contact me multiple times over the past few days and i did give in. Although i didn't give in, in a "nice guy" sort of way if you get me. I told her to meet me at a certain time and place, we caught up, we did have sex again, because she is actually attracted to me, i can feel it in the way i act and just how things are. But i know that this isn't healthy for me. She's only young by the way, 17.

I have resolved feelings in myself about whether or not she ****ed by brother because honestly i don't blame her for it i was obviously not satisfying her needs. I spent the day with her today, we went bush walking and i told her that it needs to stop. Because it seems like we will both be single, but then we'll just keep having sex on the side, and it's not healthy on her because it makes her think i still love her, which i do, but i do not want this relationship to continue, the stressing 24/7 etc.

I started explaining to her about the stuff that people in marriage do, and basically that in a relationship needs of both people are to be met, and the reason most marriages don't work is that their needs aren't being met, but i don't even know if this got through to her because from what I know women think emotionally, not logically, i just don't think she cares.

The problem that i feel like is that i just want her to be happy. I feel like i'm leading her on because i can act like the guy i used to be, and be a prick to her, basically treat her mean keep her keen but i know that it will eventually result in her being depressed and i don't want that.

Thing is, if i try to contact her to let her know to be happy and that everything will be okay, it goes back to her either wanting me even more (for sex, emotional fulfilment), (you want what you can't have), or wanting to be in a relationship with me because im the nice sensitive guy etc.

I just want her to be happy because i actually deep down care for her and i was her first sexual partner, i basically brought her up to be a nice girl, but some of the qualities that i've done (cheated via text no physical, flirted with other girls) she is now doing. I think it's because she looked up to me as a figure and she copies what i do if you get me.

I don't know guys, i do know that i don't want to kill myself anymore, but i also just want her to feel the same way, because i know that she's depressed deep down whenever i'm not with her. I try no-contact and its so hard because i feel sorry for her.

Thanks for reading.

 

[nousername]

Another thing that keeps popping up is how good she did actually treated me when i was obviously depressed and just a **** to her in general.

She would leave little notes under my pillow saying she loves me before going out, notes in the car. little things here and there, yet at that time i would treat her like ****, it was like i was trying too hard to be an alpha that i actually was just an egotistical ****head and it backfired on me.

It's hard knowing that i really am the problem, but every time i try to go no contact i feel so sorry for her.