loving
Senior Don Juan
Hi everyone.
Please I beg you, that if you have any interest in helping people out through their problems, take the time to read this post and comment on it.
The reason being that I haven't been satisfied with my life for a long time now. I have tried everything from Outer to Inner Game to NLP/Hypnosis to Spirituality to Affirmations and everything in between and in that general field of self-help.
But one thing has remained constant in my life: lack of results.
I always had supposed I was depressed, and in fact the only thing I haven't tried was consciously feeding my depression. I just started university, and the new atmosphere made me absolutely sick, because I couldn't bare to see that I still had the same attitudes that didn't serve me or my goals, and could not do what I wanted to do.
So I decided that all my efforts to better myself have been in vein, and I decided then to sink deeper into my depression by affirming to myself all the bad things that were true in my life. A lot of the times what I was saying to myself was probably just complete bull****, but there were some moments where what I was saying, I realized, was absolutely true for me during regular life. I want to note that I do not usually "feel" depressed, but I always thought there was something underlying that was keeping me from getting to where I wanted to go. I remember some of the things I've uncovered about my attitudes and actions in regular life, and I wanted to share them with anyone who will lend an ear(or eye) to listen.
Hopefully, someone can see the basic underlying problems between the lines of what my attitude is normally like, and recommend some program or some advice to fix that, or the direct problems themselves. Until then, I will be indulging my depression, because:
-The only feelings I can really make last are the ones that are bad.
-Any good feelings either that I make or get from myself or other situations/people are always short lived (while what caused it is still going on, sometimes not even that long), and never last.
-No matter if I feel good on my own or based off things that happen or other people, how I feel always goes back to bad.
-This is why I think that the only "real" part to myself is the depressed, sad part of me.
-I think this side of myself is always persistent and successful in showing itself, regardless of how much I try and cover it up by changing my attitudes, beliefs, or actions.
-When I'm not trying to change my state, I live in a state of mediocrity.
-From this state, I cannot get anything done.
-I cannot motivate myself to accomplish any of my goals or do anything I want that requires any sort of uncomfortable situation to be faced (i.e. meeting a girl, or making a friend).
-I can make people laugh that I am comfortable with, sometimes really often, but when the time comes that we see each other again, they are less than thrilled to see me, and act it. Sometimes they ignore me altogether.
-I cannot have the same sort of fun and light-hearted interactions with girls only.
-All my conversations are peppered with awkward pauses.
-This is especially true in groups, where if I am new to the group, or there are people who are new to me in the group, it feels hard to take the lead, and if I am not leading, I am usually sitting back doing nothing.
-I feel jealousy over my friends (what few I have) having other friends besides me, especially when they hang out with them.
-Whenever I am consciously trying to do something that involves other people (where I have an expectation of what I want to happen, even just a general vague one), I never succeed and always incur this feeling of self-sabotage, that works.
-This feeling and the success of its purpose also occurs when I am trying to create genuine change in myself.
-I am unable to create intimate relationships with people, (i.e. getting to know them at all).
-I cannot remember what people have told me in conversation.
-I have a hard time doing critical thinking stuff during conversations, like linking anything someone has to say to anything else (responding in any way), especially with girls.
-My default responses with girls are usually negative and deflecting, perhaps so as to diffuse the conversation and get out of there asap, even if I'm interested in them.
I think because of all these things, I don't deserve anything good to happen to me. So, I do not expect much out of this thread, and it is more here to feed my depression. So if you can shed some light on what I am facing, and how to fix or circumvent it, thank you very much. Otherwise, thank you for reading this far, and I hope life finds you better than it has found me.
Please I beg you, that if you have any interest in helping people out through their problems, take the time to read this post and comment on it.
The reason being that I haven't been satisfied with my life for a long time now. I have tried everything from Outer to Inner Game to NLP/Hypnosis to Spirituality to Affirmations and everything in between and in that general field of self-help.
But one thing has remained constant in my life: lack of results.
I always had supposed I was depressed, and in fact the only thing I haven't tried was consciously feeding my depression. I just started university, and the new atmosphere made me absolutely sick, because I couldn't bare to see that I still had the same attitudes that didn't serve me or my goals, and could not do what I wanted to do.
So I decided that all my efforts to better myself have been in vein, and I decided then to sink deeper into my depression by affirming to myself all the bad things that were true in my life. A lot of the times what I was saying to myself was probably just complete bull****, but there were some moments where what I was saying, I realized, was absolutely true for me during regular life. I want to note that I do not usually "feel" depressed, but I always thought there was something underlying that was keeping me from getting to where I wanted to go. I remember some of the things I've uncovered about my attitudes and actions in regular life, and I wanted to share them with anyone who will lend an ear(or eye) to listen.
Hopefully, someone can see the basic underlying problems between the lines of what my attitude is normally like, and recommend some program or some advice to fix that, or the direct problems themselves. Until then, I will be indulging my depression, because:
-The only feelings I can really make last are the ones that are bad.
-Any good feelings either that I make or get from myself or other situations/people are always short lived (while what caused it is still going on, sometimes not even that long), and never last.
-No matter if I feel good on my own or based off things that happen or other people, how I feel always goes back to bad.
-This is why I think that the only "real" part to myself is the depressed, sad part of me.
-I think this side of myself is always persistent and successful in showing itself, regardless of how much I try and cover it up by changing my attitudes, beliefs, or actions.
-When I'm not trying to change my state, I live in a state of mediocrity.
-From this state, I cannot get anything done.
-I cannot motivate myself to accomplish any of my goals or do anything I want that requires any sort of uncomfortable situation to be faced (i.e. meeting a girl, or making a friend).
-I can make people laugh that I am comfortable with, sometimes really often, but when the time comes that we see each other again, they are less than thrilled to see me, and act it. Sometimes they ignore me altogether.
-I cannot have the same sort of fun and light-hearted interactions with girls only.
-All my conversations are peppered with awkward pauses.
-This is especially true in groups, where if I am new to the group, or there are people who are new to me in the group, it feels hard to take the lead, and if I am not leading, I am usually sitting back doing nothing.
-I feel jealousy over my friends (what few I have) having other friends besides me, especially when they hang out with them.
-Whenever I am consciously trying to do something that involves other people (where I have an expectation of what I want to happen, even just a general vague one), I never succeed and always incur this feeling of self-sabotage, that works.
-This feeling and the success of its purpose also occurs when I am trying to create genuine change in myself.
-I am unable to create intimate relationships with people, (i.e. getting to know them at all).
-I cannot remember what people have told me in conversation.
-I have a hard time doing critical thinking stuff during conversations, like linking anything someone has to say to anything else (responding in any way), especially with girls.
-My default responses with girls are usually negative and deflecting, perhaps so as to diffuse the conversation and get out of there asap, even if I'm interested in them.
I think because of all these things, I don't deserve anything good to happen to me. So, I do not expect much out of this thread, and it is more here to feed my depression. So if you can shed some light on what I am facing, and how to fix or circumvent it, thank you very much. Otherwise, thank you for reading this far, and I hope life finds you better than it has found me.
