Some Questions

[Latinoman]

By the way...how old is your current boyfriend? And how old was your last boyfriend.

I would have acted the same way he did...with only ONE exception...I would have made it clear to you that I find the other guy's remark disrespectful toward the relationship (I would have not care if the guy didn't know we were together).

 

[Purple-Haze]

I am NOT angry. I have very good control over my emotions.

Besides, you are not my woman...if you were my woman...you would be creating dozens of threads (if you think your boyfriend has you in a roller coaster, I cannot imagine what a person like me would do to your emotional state - hehehe).

If I get a chance, I will take a look at some of the posts in this thread.

I'm glad to hear it.

I can totally understand why you'd make certain judgments about me based on the little you've read here. But bear in mind, the OL persona is a fraction of the IRL persona (which I'm sure you already know). But shades of me do come out here. I accept that. I also accept that whatever I post here is public and therefore open to various "interpretations."

I welcome your thoughts (if you have any).

 

[Latinoman]

He doesn't scare me.

Plus, call me crazy, but every perspective adds something to the discussion, no? I'm interested in what he has to say.

But yes Thunder, I will obey the rules of the forum.

You are NOT breaking any rules. In fact, you are not different than 90% of the mature men that post in here. So, you are more than welcome debating me. We are not breaking rules...we are just STRONGLY debating a point.

I am not insulting you...you are not insulting me. I am simply reaching some conclusions based on your original post and you are either clarifying or debating this.

By the way...my main issue here is that some of my fellow "DJs" ignore a men looking for serious advice and came gravitating toward you.

 

[DavenJuan]

Daven, I understand what you're saying... BUT, I assure, my bf isn't the type to get upset at something as stupid as a gay friend telling me he wants to fu@k me. In my bf's eyes, he has bigger fish to fry. He could care less about this. All he cares about is that I don't share the sentiment.

My question had more to do with my expecations. If I was being unreasonable in wanting him to go caveman. According to you guys, I went about it the wrong way. I've agreed time and again that I was wrong.

I am really starting to sound like a broken record here.

exactly thats what im saying. based on your description of your bf i wouldnt expect him to act any different no matter how many times you give him "sh*t tests" inadvertantly

what i am saying is that if he isnt giving you that feeling of reassurance or whatever it may be that you are looking for (right or wrong) then it isnt healthy to put him through these little tests.

i guess what im saying is no matter what the situation/scenerio, if something is being said "purposely" to EXPECT/HOPE/PLAN a specific reaction, then you will always be setting yourself up.

and your bf knows you well enough to KNOW what your hidden agenda was by telling him this about your guy friend as well. the last thing you want to do is make him even MORE numb to situations like this.

IMO

 

[Purple-Haze]

That's not here or there. You made it very clear that you lost attraction for your ex-bf because he expressed disatifaction, but he never did anything else about it and was always available. Then in contrast, you said your current BF doesn't spend a lot of time expressing his disatisfaction instead he withdraws and this makes you more attracted to him and more motivated to change the behavior in question. You then went on a rant arguing against me that Lishy's BF should not give her the silent treatment and should instead express what his disatisfaction is.

The only debate is how should Lishy's BF handle her. But there's no debating it. It's obvious to Lishy why her BF is puling way too. You totally contradicted yourself. I already knew I was right. pwned.

First, there wasn't much attraction on my part to begin with. We were VERY young and stayed together because we were best friends.

My ex bf not challenging me was just another reason why my IL kept going down. To his credit, he was there for me and was helpful and emotionally available. Something tells me you guys would accuse him of being an AFC.

My bf withdrawing isn't what attracts me to him. It's that he doesn't put up with BS. If he were to do this for not apparent reason, then I'd be angry and very annoyed at his passive nature. But I do know.

Hope it makes sense.

 

[Purple-Haze]

By the way...how old is your current boyfriend? And how old was your last boyfriend.

I would have acted the same way he did...with only ONE exception...I would have made it clear to you that I find the other guy's remark disrespectful toward the relationship (I would have not care if the guy didn't know we were together).

My ex was the same as me. My bf is a year older.

I would have too.

 

[ketostix]

My ex bf not challenging me was just another reason why my IL kept going down. To his credit, he was there for me and was helpful and emotionally available. Something tells me you guys would accuse him of being an AFC.

My bf withdrawing isn't what attracts me to him. It's that he doesn't put up with BS. If he were to do this for not apparent reason, then I'd be angry and very annoyed at his passive nature. But I do know.

Hope it makes sense.

It only makes sense if a person reads betwen the lines. You BF is more attractive in part because he doesn't sit and express and talk about BS with you like your ex did. Instead he ends the conversation. The reason why Lishy's BF is doing the same thing is very apparent. Stop throwing in red herrings.

 

[Purple-Haze]

You are NOT breaking any rules. In fact, you are not different than 90% of the mature men that post in here. So, you are more than welcome debating me. We are not breaking rules...we are just STRONGLY debating a point.

I am not insulting you...you are not insulting me. I am simply reaching some conclusions based on your original post and you are either clarifying or debating this.

By the way...my main issue here is that some of my fellow "DJs" ignore a men looking for serious advice and came gravitating toward you.

Curiously enough, you yourself did not respond with anything constructive in that thread. You merely pointed to my thread and lamented the fact that my thread was getting more hits and responses than his.

 

[Purple-Haze]

Don't lose sight of this and the reason why guys can never take advice from women. This is why guys feel like women that come here are taking and not giving. Unless you read between a girl's lines and see her for nothing more than a case study of typical female behavior, they always tell a guy the wrong way to do things.

I try to refrain from giving my 2 cents on here unless I can provide some insight (on the serious threads).

You have to understand that it is sometimes difficult to understand your own behaviour. Like I said, a set pattern of behaviours take a while to change. Recognizing them is a problem too.

 

[Purple-Haze]

exactly thats what im saying. based on your description of your bf i wouldnt expect him to act any different no matter how many times you give him "sh*t tests" inadvertantly

what i am saying is that if he isnt giving you that feeling of reassurance or whatever it may be that you are looking for (right or wrong) then it isnt healthy to put him through these little tests.

i guess what im saying is no matter what the situation/scenerio, if something is being said "purposely" to EXPECT/HOPE/PLAN a specific reaction, then you will always be setting yourself up.

and your bf knows you well enough to KNOW what your hidden agenda was by telling him this about your guy friend as well. the last thing you want to do is make him even MORE numb to situations like this.

IMO

Thanks for the post Daven. I agree, me doing this isn't going to produce any fruitful results (I've soo learned that in the past few months). Kind of like beating a dead horse (I just end up looking like a nut).

The bolded statement above is VERY VERY true. It goes to the heart of my semi-ephiphany (the one I had a few months ago). It came to me and has slowly formed into a concrete idea/belief. Every action on my part must be based in sincerity and nothing else.

Thank you for your input.

 

[Purple-Haze]

It only makes sense if a person reads betwen the lines. You BF is more attractive in part because he doesn't sit and express and talk about BS with you like your ex did. Instead he ends the conversation. The reason why Lishy's BF is doing the same thing is very apparent. Stop throwing in red herrings.

You are comparing two different situations.

MY SITUATION
I annoy bf with my sh1t tests. He takes them for what they are and gives a little (at the beginning anyway). The drama happens now. At first, he listens. He then quickly learns that this drama is BS and he doesn't like it. He tells me he has no desire to continue the discussion b/c I'm being irrational (or whatever the case may be). Note that HE TELLS ME what the problem is.

LISHY'S SITUATION
She goes out with her gfs. Every time she goes out, her bf doesn't call her or respond to her calls. Everything else in the R is fine (Lishy has not expressed any issues with drama, infidelity, etc). She can't figure out what the problem is. He refuses to talk about it. He pretends everything is OK.

Tell me how they are the same.

EDIT: I just reread what you wrote. Are you saying that Lishy's bf is doing what my bf does? That both are (whether intentionally or not) trying to increase IL on the female's part? How can he be thinking he's increasing her IL when he is keeping her in the dark and frustrating her?

 

[ketostix]

EDIT: I just reread what you wrote. Are you saying that Lishy's bf is doing what my bf does? That both are (whether intentionally or not) trying to increase IL on the female's part? How can he be thinking he's increasing her IL when he is keeping her in the dark and frustrating her?

Ding, ding, ding. It's like a light bulb finally went on in your head. As I explained, the guy either knows from experience and/or instinct that pulling away will raise her IL and probably be more effective at stopping the unwanted behavior than getting into a big discussion about it would. Dur.

 

[Purple-Haze]

Ding, ding, ding. It's like a light bulb finally went on in your head. As I explained, the guy either knows from experience and/or instinct that pulling away will raise her IL and probably be more effective at stopping the unwanted behavior than getting into a big discussion about it would. Dur.

Well it may've been effective in my case, but I don't know about Lishy's case. She is very annoyed with her bf and his unwillingness to even address that there is a problem (Lishy, hope you don't mind me speaking on your behalf).

There is a difference in that you don't always get the result you want with such tactics.

 

[ketostix]

Well it may've been effective in my case, but I don't know about Lishy's case. She is very annoyed with her bf and his unwillingness to even address that there is a problem (Lishy, hope you don't mind me speaking on your behalf).

There is a difference in that you don't always get the result you want with such tactics.

There's no real difference between how you responded to your BF and she's responding to hers. Nothing works all the time, but some things work most of the time and other things work almost none of the time. Your suggestion works almost none of the time :yawn: .

 

[ketostix]

You have it so wrong - the complete is how i feel

He is acting like a chump (yes I am angry now all these days later) and he is headed to Dumpsville on the fast train!!!!!!:cuss:

I wish my boyfriend was more like PH's - He sounds like a grown up!

I must say Purple, you have a good guy there! Try to stop testing him babe or you will lose a goodun!

LOL we'll see about that. I guess by your admission going to the bar did cause you to break up lol.

 

[Purple-Haze]

There's no real difference between how you responded to your BF and she's responding to hers. Nothing works all the time, but some things work most of the time and other things work almost none of the time. Your suggestion works almost none of the time :yawn: .

EDIT: Yes, for the last time, my tactic was WRONG. And if you think a man being passive aggressive and not telling his SO what is pi$$ing him off is doing the right thing, then you might want to read up on the DJB again. Or talk to some of the others here. That kind of BS allows negative emotions to collect and then one day, it boils over and there is a very large, ugly explosion.

 

[Purple-Haze]

LOL we'll see about that. I guess by your admission going to the bar did cause you to break up lol.

Hot damn!

You are relentless. :nervous:

 

[ketostix]

No, if we break up he caused it because he is acting like a childish prick!

What's the difference so are you ?

 

[ketostix]

EDIT: Yes, for the last time, my tactic was WRONG. And if you think a man being passive aggressive and not telling his SO what is pi$$ing him off is doing the right thing, then you might want to read up on the DJB again. Or talk to some of the others here. That kind of BS allows negative emotions to collect and then one day, it boils over and there is a very large, ugly explosion.

Stop trying to get people on your side. Just because you want to put your female interpretation on the DBJ doesn't make it correct.

 

[Purple-Haze]

You have it so wrong - the complete opposite is how i feel

He is acting like a chump (yes I am angry now all these days later) and he is headed to Dumpsville on the fast train!!!!!!:cuss:

I wish my boyfriend was more like PH's - He sounds like a grown up!

I must say Purple, you have a good guy there! Try to stop testing him babe or you will lose a goodun!

You can only try for so long with a partner Lishy. His behaviour goes to show how certain tactics DO NOT work. You are now angry and considering a break up - not a desirable result.

And thanks!