Hey guys, long story short, I found myself single again 8 months ago and slowly got myself back into the dating game. It's been a rough time to be honest and I started to become a bit of a serial dater and was getting rejected over and over.
It was causing me a lot of confusion. I'm a good looking guy, I attract a lot of female attention when I'm out and often get girls throwing themselves at me and a number of my female colleagues and acquaintances have developed crushes on me. So it's not like I'm ugly or a sad loser that repulses women. I'm also practising the fundamentals taught on sites like this...I would even say I've mastered most of them. But it would seem there was something different and offputting about me when I was on a date.
I have been experimenting a lot of late and trying to calibrate my behaviour to see what brings most success. I've been working off clues I've picked up from previous rejections and things my dates have told me, and used this to make some changes.
Since making these changes, my game has taken off in a major way, I've not been rejected and these girls are really hot for me. A few are actually a little obsessive.
So I thought I'd share some of the changes I've made. They won't apply to everyone, but hopefully some of you can relate and can use this information to improve your own game in the same way...
Avoid Caffeine Before or During a Date
Something that was pointed out to me a long time ago and something I also became aware of myself is that I was always quite restless and fidgetty during a date. My eyes would dart around the room, I would shuffle round in my chair, tap the table and I would start talking really fast. Even though I realised I was doing it and reminded myself to reign it it, I found it near impossible to do. Women told me that I appeared nervous (not attractive) and they felt a little uncomfortable.
The strange thing is, I was definitely not nervous and I generally don't behave this way. But then it clicked. I'm tee total, so while other people tend to have a glass of wine or beer on a date, I was drinking pints of diet Pepsi or cups of coffee, on top of the coffee I'd been drinking throughout the day. Studies have shown that caffeine raises cortisol (the stress hormone) and can basically stimulate an anxiety response in the body. So while I may be mentally calm, my body is acting in a way that implies nervousness and restlessness.
So, I decided to make an effort to quit or limit my caffeine. I found my demeanour a lot calmer, I was speaking more slowly, taking time to listen, maintaining eye contact and felt more in control.
Avoid being broody and be fun
I think a lot of guys fall into this trap. They get friendzoned a few times and decide that they want to be taken more seriously, so they cut down on the laughing and joking and turn into some kind of wannabe James Bond persona.
I often see James Bond hailed as a role model for aspiring DJs and PUAs due to his masculinity and controlled behaviour, but where's the fun and laughter? Whenever I assumed this kind of role, I found my dates were little more than a series of interview questions and to be honest, I even bored myself on those dates. What woman wants to be on a date that's tense and boring?
While it's important to maintain your masculinity and control, you really need to be more lighthearted, down to earth and the dates need to be fun. So stop taking yourself too seriously.
Deepen your voice
This has been a big discovery for me. I'm a tall and muscular guy and I have the appearance of a bad ass. I'm a very masculine guy, and yet for a long time I've had this bad habit of raising pitch and softening my voice. It's not consistent with how I look and many people commented on how I was a lot more polite, mild mannered, and softly spoken than they expected.
It started to make sense when I thought about it. I have worked in sales and jobs with customers in the past and developed this softer way of speaking as a way of appearing less intimidating. Unfortunately, I would speak this same way on dates or to girls I liked, which in a sense is like a form of supplication.
The fact is, women don't want a man to appear soft or unintimidating. When they go for a manly man, they want him to behave as such and that intimidation and roughness will appear very sexy.
I had deepened my voice on previous dates and I recall my ex saying the first time we spoke how sexy and deep my voice was. I have been told similar things before...when I'm speaking naturally.
So on my latest dates I decided to experiment. On 2 dates, I spoke more softly and used my "customer service voice" and on another 3 I spoke more deeply and natural. The former 2 started off well, but seemed to lose interest. At the end of the night, they turned their cheek to avoid kissing me, and rejected me by text the next day. The other 3, however, were all over me. They made a lot of the moves, we kissed a lot and 2 of them invited me back to their place at the end of the night and are keen to see me again.
Don't lean in too much
This is a subtle mistake I caught myself making at times. During our dates, if I liked the girl, I had a tendency to lean in towards her a lot. Her body language and positioning would change. She would lean in, but then pull back and at this point I would find myself leaning in more, trying to close the gap between us. This is the bodylanguage equivalent of chasing her.
Instead, you need to keep her guessing. Lean in as she leans in, but don't be afraid to pull back and play it cool. Not knowing if you're interested or not will make her more curious about you and will also indicate that you're not a needy guy.
I paid attention to this one night when I was invited over to watch films with this girl. We sat next to each other on the couch and at times she would sit right next to me, fall into me (during scary moments) and I'd wrap my arms around her, and she'd touch my knee or my arm a lot. Then every so often, she'd lean back and even sit at the opposite end of the couch. I perceived it as a test. If I'd have shuffled along and tried to close the gap, I would've appeared needy and it would indicate that I don't respect her space. So instead, I mirrored her. When she pulled back, so did I. And when I did, guess what happened? She pulled in closer to me. She put her legs on my lap, cuddled up to me, and she was the one who closed the gap.
Respect a woman's space and most of the time she'll come round. When you keep trying to close that gap, she'll keep pulling back. This doesn't just go for bodylanguage and physical interaction, it also applies to texting and calling too. Women will often pull back, take some space, and you need to allow them that space.
Ease back on the sexual escalation
This is one of the big misconceptions most of us guys pick up from PUAs and forums like this. We are constantly told that we must pursue sex straight away. If we don't escalate, we'll fall into the friendzone. We're made to feel this sense of urgency, like there's a clock ticking overhead. Well that's just not true. I have girls who have been chasing me for years and I've never flirted with them or escalated towards sex. I'm sure many of you guys can think of such examples too.
But what I've realised is that most decent girls don't put out on the first date, or even the second, and a lot of these girls will filter out guys who are too sexually forward.
What's more, when you escalate too much and keep trying to push towards sex, it shows you to be desperate and gives her all the power.
I'm not saying you should not escalate at all and keep things platonic, but you should learn to hold back. Make a sexual suggestion or cheeky innuendo, for example, then change subjects. This is the difference between a seductive man and a lech.
If a woman wants to have sex with you that night, she'll make it easy for you. She'll make it known, drop hints or invite you to her place for "coffee". This is where you do your escalation.
Anyway, that sums up some of the tweaks I've made lately and they've been working real well. Hopefully some of you can gain some insight from this.
It was causing me a lot of confusion. I'm a good looking guy, I attract a lot of female attention when I'm out and often get girls throwing themselves at me and a number of my female colleagues and acquaintances have developed crushes on me. So it's not like I'm ugly or a sad loser that repulses women. I'm also practising the fundamentals taught on sites like this...I would even say I've mastered most of them. But it would seem there was something different and offputting about me when I was on a date.
I have been experimenting a lot of late and trying to calibrate my behaviour to see what brings most success. I've been working off clues I've picked up from previous rejections and things my dates have told me, and used this to make some changes.
Since making these changes, my game has taken off in a major way, I've not been rejected and these girls are really hot for me. A few are actually a little obsessive.
So I thought I'd share some of the changes I've made. They won't apply to everyone, but hopefully some of you can relate and can use this information to improve your own game in the same way...
Avoid Caffeine Before or During a Date
Something that was pointed out to me a long time ago and something I also became aware of myself is that I was always quite restless and fidgetty during a date. My eyes would dart around the room, I would shuffle round in my chair, tap the table and I would start talking really fast. Even though I realised I was doing it and reminded myself to reign it it, I found it near impossible to do. Women told me that I appeared nervous (not attractive) and they felt a little uncomfortable.
The strange thing is, I was definitely not nervous and I generally don't behave this way. But then it clicked. I'm tee total, so while other people tend to have a glass of wine or beer on a date, I was drinking pints of diet Pepsi or cups of coffee, on top of the coffee I'd been drinking throughout the day. Studies have shown that caffeine raises cortisol (the stress hormone) and can basically stimulate an anxiety response in the body. So while I may be mentally calm, my body is acting in a way that implies nervousness and restlessness.
So, I decided to make an effort to quit or limit my caffeine. I found my demeanour a lot calmer, I was speaking more slowly, taking time to listen, maintaining eye contact and felt more in control.
Avoid being broody and be fun
I think a lot of guys fall into this trap. They get friendzoned a few times and decide that they want to be taken more seriously, so they cut down on the laughing and joking and turn into some kind of wannabe James Bond persona.
I often see James Bond hailed as a role model for aspiring DJs and PUAs due to his masculinity and controlled behaviour, but where's the fun and laughter? Whenever I assumed this kind of role, I found my dates were little more than a series of interview questions and to be honest, I even bored myself on those dates. What woman wants to be on a date that's tense and boring?
While it's important to maintain your masculinity and control, you really need to be more lighthearted, down to earth and the dates need to be fun. So stop taking yourself too seriously.
Deepen your voice
This has been a big discovery for me. I'm a tall and muscular guy and I have the appearance of a bad ass. I'm a very masculine guy, and yet for a long time I've had this bad habit of raising pitch and softening my voice. It's not consistent with how I look and many people commented on how I was a lot more polite, mild mannered, and softly spoken than they expected.
It started to make sense when I thought about it. I have worked in sales and jobs with customers in the past and developed this softer way of speaking as a way of appearing less intimidating. Unfortunately, I would speak this same way on dates or to girls I liked, which in a sense is like a form of supplication.
The fact is, women don't want a man to appear soft or unintimidating. When they go for a manly man, they want him to behave as such and that intimidation and roughness will appear very sexy.
I had deepened my voice on previous dates and I recall my ex saying the first time we spoke how sexy and deep my voice was. I have been told similar things before...when I'm speaking naturally.
So on my latest dates I decided to experiment. On 2 dates, I spoke more softly and used my "customer service voice" and on another 3 I spoke more deeply and natural. The former 2 started off well, but seemed to lose interest. At the end of the night, they turned their cheek to avoid kissing me, and rejected me by text the next day. The other 3, however, were all over me. They made a lot of the moves, we kissed a lot and 2 of them invited me back to their place at the end of the night and are keen to see me again.
Don't lean in too much
This is a subtle mistake I caught myself making at times. During our dates, if I liked the girl, I had a tendency to lean in towards her a lot. Her body language and positioning would change. She would lean in, but then pull back and at this point I would find myself leaning in more, trying to close the gap between us. This is the bodylanguage equivalent of chasing her.
Instead, you need to keep her guessing. Lean in as she leans in, but don't be afraid to pull back and play it cool. Not knowing if you're interested or not will make her more curious about you and will also indicate that you're not a needy guy.
I paid attention to this one night when I was invited over to watch films with this girl. We sat next to each other on the couch and at times she would sit right next to me, fall into me (during scary moments) and I'd wrap my arms around her, and she'd touch my knee or my arm a lot. Then every so often, she'd lean back and even sit at the opposite end of the couch. I perceived it as a test. If I'd have shuffled along and tried to close the gap, I would've appeared needy and it would indicate that I don't respect her space. So instead, I mirrored her. When she pulled back, so did I. And when I did, guess what happened? She pulled in closer to me. She put her legs on my lap, cuddled up to me, and she was the one who closed the gap.
Respect a woman's space and most of the time she'll come round. When you keep trying to close that gap, she'll keep pulling back. This doesn't just go for bodylanguage and physical interaction, it also applies to texting and calling too. Women will often pull back, take some space, and you need to allow them that space.
Ease back on the sexual escalation
This is one of the big misconceptions most of us guys pick up from PUAs and forums like this. We are constantly told that we must pursue sex straight away. If we don't escalate, we'll fall into the friendzone. We're made to feel this sense of urgency, like there's a clock ticking overhead. Well that's just not true. I have girls who have been chasing me for years and I've never flirted with them or escalated towards sex. I'm sure many of you guys can think of such examples too.
But what I've realised is that most decent girls don't put out on the first date, or even the second, and a lot of these girls will filter out guys who are too sexually forward.
What's more, when you escalate too much and keep trying to push towards sex, it shows you to be desperate and gives her all the power.
I'm not saying you should not escalate at all and keep things platonic, but you should learn to hold back. Make a sexual suggestion or cheeky innuendo, for example, then change subjects. This is the difference between a seductive man and a lech.
If a woman wants to have sex with you that night, she'll make it easy for you. She'll make it known, drop hints or invite you to her place for "coffee". This is where you do your escalation.
Anyway, that sums up some of the tweaks I've made lately and they've been working real well. Hopefully some of you can gain some insight from this.
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