Hi guys
This is going to be a long post so please bare with me.
Lately I've been posting a lot of threads. I've been noticing a tendency in my behaviour on this forum and it's always the same. I tend to post some threads for a while, basically always about the same stuff deep down, but in another format. Then I leave this site for a couple of months because I try the stuff out. But then some other stuff happens and I come back.
I know my problems are within, my personality is not what it needs to be me. This shows and puts off girls.
Case give: 10 years ago when I was around 18 years old, I had this girl who was crazy about me. We were good friends because I was just myself around her. She was absolutely in love even though my hair was always greasy, my clothes and style overall was hideous, was completely out of shape, I didn't perform well at all in school and yet she was head over heels in love. Then at a drunk night, we kissed and became a couple for about a year. During this year I became needy, jealous,... all the stuff that drove her away. I was devastated, I lost 20lbs and started thinking about myself and others in a very very bad way. Now when I say she would do everything for me, she literally would do everything for me and because of this I started to think "well if even she dumps me, something must be very wrong with me".
I believe this is the reason why I am who I am today. I am very negative about myself, think I'll never get another girl because of who I am, think noboby will like me if I act how I want to act,... You get the picture, I'm in a very dark place.
You guys have adviced me to get her out of my life and spin plates. Well I tried that, but she is a part of my circle of friends, so I see her on a regular basis and when we go on holiday, she's also there. It doesn't bother me though, but my answers towards her are very short and I don't give her eye contact or very minimal (part of insecurity and not over her I know).
Well I guess I'm not over her, it ended in a very bad way between us and I feel I never got the opportunity to put it all in the correct place in my head. Spin plates would solve this, but it's just a vicious circle. I keep thinking so negative that in these 8 years I had a 6 months long affair with another woman who was married. She was a BPD, so yeah when that ended I also was a bit devastated, but I never send her any texts or showed her I was heartbroken.
Good, I'm a pathetic beta nice guy, we've sorted that out.
But to the actual point of the thread. And sadly it's about that ex, but I need you guys to answer me honestly and correctly. I know I shouldn't bother, but for some reason I feel that would get me out of this spiral.
In these years I've noticed that at times when I act friendly and even gently tease her, she suddenly would be very open and playful with me again. I catch her looking at me from time to time.
Ok to the point, I would just want to bang her one more time. Facewise she's perhaps a 6,5, on a good day 7 - 7,5, but she has an amazing body. I think it's a bit of revenge, I would bang her and then don't bother anymore. And please understand, I might be telling myself this excuse, but it's just to get that thought of "if she doesn't like me, then who will" out of my head. So banging her would alleviate this.
Now I'm so insecure I wouldn't even dare to send her a text out of nowhere just to start up a conversation or when we go out. Just because I'm scared of the fact she would act again like we broke up and you can imagine the consequences.
So don't bother you would say, but I feel I would remain in this pit forever.
This is going to be a long post so please bare with me.
Lately I've been posting a lot of threads. I've been noticing a tendency in my behaviour on this forum and it's always the same. I tend to post some threads for a while, basically always about the same stuff deep down, but in another format. Then I leave this site for a couple of months because I try the stuff out. But then some other stuff happens and I come back.
I know my problems are within, my personality is not what it needs to be me. This shows and puts off girls.
Case give: 10 years ago when I was around 18 years old, I had this girl who was crazy about me. We were good friends because I was just myself around her. She was absolutely in love even though my hair was always greasy, my clothes and style overall was hideous, was completely out of shape, I didn't perform well at all in school and yet she was head over heels in love. Then at a drunk night, we kissed and became a couple for about a year. During this year I became needy, jealous,... all the stuff that drove her away. I was devastated, I lost 20lbs and started thinking about myself and others in a very very bad way. Now when I say she would do everything for me, she literally would do everything for me and because of this I started to think "well if even she dumps me, something must be very wrong with me".
I believe this is the reason why I am who I am today. I am very negative about myself, think I'll never get another girl because of who I am, think noboby will like me if I act how I want to act,... You get the picture, I'm in a very dark place.
You guys have adviced me to get her out of my life and spin plates. Well I tried that, but she is a part of my circle of friends, so I see her on a regular basis and when we go on holiday, she's also there. It doesn't bother me though, but my answers towards her are very short and I don't give her eye contact or very minimal (part of insecurity and not over her I know).
Well I guess I'm not over her, it ended in a very bad way between us and I feel I never got the opportunity to put it all in the correct place in my head. Spin plates would solve this, but it's just a vicious circle. I keep thinking so negative that in these 8 years I had a 6 months long affair with another woman who was married. She was a BPD, so yeah when that ended I also was a bit devastated, but I never send her any texts or showed her I was heartbroken.
Good, I'm a pathetic beta nice guy, we've sorted that out.
But to the actual point of the thread. And sadly it's about that ex, but I need you guys to answer me honestly and correctly. I know I shouldn't bother, but for some reason I feel that would get me out of this spiral.
In these years I've noticed that at times when I act friendly and even gently tease her, she suddenly would be very open and playful with me again. I catch her looking at me from time to time.
Ok to the point, I would just want to bang her one more time. Facewise she's perhaps a 6,5, on a good day 7 - 7,5, but she has an amazing body. I think it's a bit of revenge, I would bang her and then don't bother anymore. And please understand, I might be telling myself this excuse, but it's just to get that thought of "if she doesn't like me, then who will" out of my head. So banging her would alleviate this.
Now I'm so insecure I wouldn't even dare to send her a text out of nowhere just to start up a conversation or when we go out. Just because I'm scared of the fact she would act again like we broke up and you can imagine the consequences.
So don't bother you would say, but I feel I would remain in this pit forever.
