Some advice needed here badly..

[tango9]

OK, so here's the deal: I got in this mess with a girl who was involved with another guy, and right now I pretty much have no clue how to go about it. Situation is like this:
- we are (or were? not really sure) kinda close - to be read "I got emotionally attached"; yea I am well aware that was a retarded thing to do - , and at this point I'm not sure I would be able to just go no contact with her all of the sudden with no apparent particular reason; that just seems lame beyond words to me; besides, I don't know if going this way won't hurt any chance I may still have even more;

- chick was VERY into me in the beginning - shortly after we first met she actually made the first move (I was still clueless wtf is going on, since I knew from her FB that she had a bf, and this was the first time I've ever been in a situation like this) and we had some pretty heavy make-out sessions and almost sealed the deal; we didn't because exactly when things were really heating up bad, we got interrupted (it was at night but we were in a public park and some dudes happened to pass nearby - I didn't push things at all, nor that same evening or the following days - and at some point she probably started getting second thoughts, eventually we left for home);

- I had more chances to make a move some time after that, but on those occasions she didn't show any green lights except the fact that she was alone with me at night in various semi-secluded places - probably was expecting me to go at it, but I didn't, because of dumb moral/ethic crap of the "but she has a BF, I shouldn't" kind, and the fact that after almost doing it that night in the park, 2 or 3 days later we had a "talk" about how she is so confused, feels she can't cheat on her bf, even though she likes me a lot, how she still cares about him, and it wouldn't be fair - either to him or to me - to have something with me at the same time, and being the nice guy that I was, I bought that crap and took it literally (it was most likely just her way of telling me that I should take all responsibility on myself and make a move, so she doesn't feel like a slut for cheating on the guy)

- eventually, she slowly started to become distant, rarely initiating contact, suggesting that we go out sometime later in the day and then flaking, stopped the obvious flirting (I think this was right after the bf discussion), and so on; all the signs of fading interest. That happened over a few months time.

So question is, what to do here? To be honest, the signals she gave me in the beginning (even after the "I can't cheat on my bf" episode) were so crystal clear (I can see that now, or probably even then) I almost feel like apologizing to her for being such a monumental chump and not acting on them. I think I should add that the other guy is still very much in the picture.

 

[Pardner]

OK, so here's the deal: I got in this mess with a girl who was involved with another guy

I stopped reading after this. Get a new girl because she is involved with another guy. Find one who isn't. You will have nothing but trouble.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

What Pardner said. Plus, if she's capable of cheating WITH you, she's capable of cheating ON you when another guy comes along and tries to do with her the same thing you're doing right now - and, as is evident here, she has very little self-control...

 

[tango9]

I stopped reading after this. Get a new girl because she is involved with another guy. Find one who isn't. You will have nothing but trouble.

I can see your point.. and I think I already had the trouble, so it's not really that scary anymore. Let's say I am a bit shorthanded at this moment, I tried other options in the meantime but it felt half-assed and the girls didn't do a lot to help me think it's worth the hassle. Also, my social circle is extremely small and pretty much devoid of alternatives at this point in time. So, long story short, I kinda put all my eggs in one basket.
Also, how do you suggest I handle said chick right now? Ignore her? Tell her I don't think we should see each other anymore and stop answering her calls/texts? And wtf am I going to say when she asks why, after all this time? Stay "friends/acquaintances"?

Regarding the cheating thing.. isn't that how it usually goes down? I mean, from what I gathered, chicks don't usually break up with a guy and THEN start seeing/banging/whatever the next one, but the other way around? And in that respect, I'm starting to think my chances of finding one that doesn't have some ball & chain attached to her leg are getting really really slim. In other words, it seems to me all of them are in some sort of relationship, have some ghosts from the past and what not, since I'm not in high school anymore, and not even in college for that matter - finished it 2 years ago. So how is this situation any different/more difficult than others?

I don't know how much sense I'm making right now, hopefully I got my point across.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

In these situations, it's best to NOT be so overly emotional. The reality is, she was a chick with a BF, and you were in the wrong to pursue it until she was single. So, if she hits you up again, the easiest thing to do would be to make some small talk, then when she asks you to hang out again simply say "hmm, man I'd love to, but I don't think it would be fair to your boyfriend. But hey, if it doesn't work out and you want to do something, hit me up." It's friendly, it's said without malice, it leaves the door open for her to see you again in the future once she's single (though I wouldn't put all my eggs in that basket), and you're able to not sound like a bitter guy.

 

[tango9]

In these situations, it's best to NOT be so overly emotional. The reality is, she was a chick with a BF, and you were in the wrong to pursue it until she was single. So, if she hits you up again, the easiest thing to do would be to make some small talk, then when she asks you to hang out again simply say "hmm, man I'd love to, but I don't think it would be fair to your boyfriend. But hey, if it doesn't work out and you want to do something, hit me up." It's friendly, it's said without malice, it leaves the door open for her to see you again in the future once she's single (though I wouldn't put all my eggs in that basket), and you're able to not sound like a bitter guy.

It is a very logical thing to do, and how I wish I did that long time ago. In fact it should have been the honorable way to handle things from the start, but with me coming from a long dry spell, and this chick having a really effective way of getting under my skin, obviously my hormones got the best of me. I did think about this path many times, but as time passed it just seemed more and more fishy to me, after meeting her so many times, and spending so much time together. I can only imagine the surprise on her face, and I'm afraid she might think I'm a bit of a nutcase.

One thing I forgot to mention: surprisingly, she did tell her bf pretty much every time she was going out with me (I'm sure she did because it was over the phone and I witnessed it firsthand); he didn't seem fazed even a bit (ofc she left out the part about me and her liking each other and almost f**king, obviously). This looked and still seems very suspicious to me for some reason.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

It's because the guy doesn't assume his girl is doing that. And it's sad because he's trying not to be the jealous type by assuming his girl would not mess around with her guy friends, yet that's exactly what she's doing. So, she knows she can tell him all about you because he trust her enough to think she's not doing physical things with you. Which, again, is another reason she'd end up being a HORRIBLE choice for a girlfriend - best believe, if she's messing around behind his back with YOU...

 

[tango9]

If that's the case, I wish I just f***ed her and be done with it. At least I would have got something for all the trouble. Tell you the truth I still wish to do that. That probably makes me an a-hole, I don't know.

It's because the guy doesn't assume his girl is doing that. And it's sad because he's trying not to be the jealous type by assuming his girl would not mess around with her guy friends, yet that's exactly what she's doing. So, she knows she can tell him all about you because he trust her enough to think she's not doing physical things with you. Which, again, is another reason she'd end up being a HORRIBLE choice for a girlfriend - best believe, if she's messing around behind his back with YOU...

Trust me, in a way I hate this woman for making me witness this facet of human character and behavior. It's a damn cesspit, and I really don't know how I'm going to be able to trust another woman in the future, after what I've seen. But, well, I guess I'll just go by the saying "what we don't know, can't hurt us", and try to be zen about it . Besides, from what I've seen, if I think about it more, the bf guy is a weirdo (I actually got to meet him and shake hands, twice, thanks to her - Jesus that was some awkward sh*t -), and most likely he brought it on himself with his actions. After all, I doubt a girl in the right mind would just go around and cheat, if everything between her and her bf/whatever was all fine and dandy. There's always a reason for someone acting the way they do.

 

[Pardner]

I can see your point.. and I think I already had the trouble, so it's not really that scary anymore. Let's say I am a bit shorthanded at this moment, I tried other options in the meantime but it felt half-assed and the girls didn't do a lot to help me think it's worth the hassle. Also, my social circle is extremely small and pretty much devoid of alternatives at this point in time. So, long story short, I kinda put all my eggs in one basket.
Also, how do you suggest I handle said chick right now? Ignore her? Tell her I don't think we should see each other anymore and stop answering her calls/texts? And wtf am I going to say when she asks why, after all this time? Stay "friends/acquaintances"?

Regarding the cheating thing.. isn't that how it usually goes down? I mean, from what I gathered, chicks don't usually break up with a guy and THEN start seeing/banging/whatever the next one, but the other way around? And in that respect, I'm starting to think my chances of finding one that doesn't have some ball & chain attached to her leg are getting really really slim. In other words, it seems to me all of them are in some sort of relationship, have some ghosts from the past and what not, since I'm not in high school anymore, and not even in college for that matter - finished it 2 years ago. So how is this situation any different/more difficult than others?

I don't know how much sense I'm making right now, hopefully I got my point across.

I see where you're coming from you just don't want to go away empty handed. After you look at all the time you put in you are not getting anything out of it. Girls will have no problem cheating on their boyfriends. They have no problem dumping him for the guy she is cheating with. Unless she is giving you something there is no point in talking to her. If she is backing off the sex she just wants you as a possible back up. She would have sex with you if she rally wanted to. I would ignore her for a while let her make her move on you if she is serious. Some girls will do that. It's too much trouble with another guy involved you're not even getting anything out of it except her telling you she can't. Look around for better prospects there are so many ways to meet girls ones that arent invlove with some guy it will be easier for you too.

 

[tango9]

Exactly. The only problem is, I'm afraid she already made her move, and more than once, but I was too caught up in my own insecurities and doubts to respond properly. I mean really, back then, (I'm getting a bit in the spicy details, just to get a better idea where we standed at the time and how turned on she was) first we had a fiery make out session - first just kissing, then tongue, and ass grabbing - on a bench somewhere in the city; then two days later, that night in the park, she just climbed on top of me and shoved her tongue in my mouth (or we both, to each other), let me grab her ass, tits, was losing her breath as I was kissing her neck, and was beginning to dry hump me. If those idiots didn't happen to come up with the brilliant idea to pass on the alley near our bench and then stop somewhere nearby, we would have went to town right there. Even after that (I'm talking weeks/months later), and after the bf thing came up, she went with me to several remote places, at night, and we spent like 1-2 hours there together, in my car. And now, when I've finally decided to say to hell with it, I'm going for it, she stopped giving me those chances; probably got bored/gave up hope that something will happen between us.

What completely baffles me is that judging by the way it all started, and how head over heels she seemed in the beginning, I was almost sure she was going to dump the guy and that would be it (some other people that saw us together back then apparently got the same vibe). Turns out I was wrong, very wrong; and I'm thinking the only thing that stopped her from doing it is that we didn't f**k; to be even more specific, that she gave me several opportunities to do it, and I failed. That's not a very nice thought to live with, especially when your other options at the moment are just hypothetical. Just saying.

 

[Kailex]

#1: Read my signature. (Others have been hinting at it)

#2: You waited too long to seal the deal. If she was cheating on someone else with you, she didn't want to just make out. You should have made a bold move WAY sooner.

#3: I don't think you actually like this girl, I think what's triggering all of this is the fact that you never got to bang her and then she withdrew and THEN your interest went up.

Your window closed.

NC is not "lame". Only people who don't understand it think it is so. She already withdrew from you. She's not actively seeking you. So why should you actively seek her? When she was talking about how she couldn't cheat on your boyfriend... you shouldn't have listened to her, you should have listened to the fact that she was out with you and not him.

Wouldn't it be so much easier to just find someone else?

 

[tango9]

I think you are right about #2 and that I should have payed attention to her actions instead of what she was saying, sadly.
I was not saying NC is lame in itself, just in this specific situation. What I meant by NC here, was more about me not answering to her anymore. I am not actively seeking her either, as a matter of fact I stopped doing that as soon as I got a whiff that she might have started to lose interest (not sure if it was the best course of action, but that's all I could come up with at that time).
And no, I liked her and spending time with her from the beginning. It seemed like everything fell into place. Better let's not go there, because it would pretty much only twist the knife in the wound .

So you are basically saying there's no way I could turn this around, at this point?

LE: About finding someone else.. I don't know, given my current situation and the fact that I'm not experienced with cold approach (actually never done it), nope, it is very far from easy. Maybe I'm just looking at things the wrong way.

 

[JohnChops]

#3: I don't think you actually like this girl, I think what's triggering all of this is the fact that you never got to bang her and then she withdrew and THEN your interest went up.

Ding ding ding we have a winner. Happened to me and it lasted for a year of oneitis till I realized what was quoted.

 

[tango9]

Well, I think I know what I have to do now - and that's what I should have done a long time ago. I'll try getting her to go out with me, and if she plays along (from what I know her, there is a chance she will, based on our past interactions and the way she acts when we see each other - I think I should have mentioned that this apparent coldness towards me manifests itself only when we are apart; she still seems attracted when we are together, just more shy/reserved than before), I'm hitting on her hard. Maybe it will work, maybe it won't; at least I'll have my peace of mind that I tried everything I could. Seems to me this is the only way I will be able to live with myself. Enough chasing my tail around.

PS. Also, I regret not posting this here a long time ago. I just realised how much (probably precious) time I wasted trying to figure it out all by myself. My gut feeling pretty much told me all the time what you guys replied here. I just wasn't sure it was right. Now I see things clearly.

 

[Don-Kong]

echo what has already been said.

Dont fvck with another mans vehicle!

I find chicks like that very unattractive. No morals. Weak of mind, weak of heart. Disgusting.