Sold a Ferrari, needed a Toyota

[Wilko]

You'll sometimes hear advice on the forum along the lines of get rich/huge/famous. It's implied that the path to true success with women (and the rest of your life) is to become an exceptional man. An alternative position is that you can rely on tricks, routines and rules, and yet another position is that success is down to numbers and experience.

We should all probably be engaged in some sort of self-improvement, that's not in question. We can shoot for the stars but the reality is that most of us are going to remain pretty average; normal jobs, normal bodies, normal social status. I'm not trying to hold anyone back, begrudge anyone's success, or excuse laziness. If you want to move up to the ninety-fifth percentile, go for it brother, I'll cheer you on and in the mean time I'll be chipping away at my own goals too.

But we can't ignore the reality that most of us won't achieve phenomenal success, we won't do the things required or we might find contentment in the middle of the bell-curve. Significant and lasting change is really pretty rare, I don't think we ought to be basing Game around the flimsy promise of an exceptional future self.

Right, where's this going? I'm going to suggest that Game needs to square with reality and it ought to be about, and for the average guy and his average problems.The average guy also needs some honest self-assessment and realistic (possibly lowered) expectations about what Game is going to do for him.

Try this on for size.

The noob says "Hey, there's new speed humps in this road, they're really slowing me down and pissing me off." The guy at the top of his game replies "I used to drive that road all the time and I'm much faster than you because I have a Ferrari, you need to get a Ferrari."."But what about the speed humps?" asks the Noob. "Your problem isn't the speed humps," answers the vet "Your problem is that you don't have a Ferrari."

Ferraris are cool and we all eventually want to drive one but pretending the speed humps don't matter doesn't help the noob.

 

[Warrior74]

Get in where you fit in.

 

[Die Hard]

That's a bunch of Bullcrap!





"As you think, you shall become" - Pook


If you don't believe this to be true, then it won't be true...for you! Those who do believe this to be true, for them it will be true!

Read the self improvement thread by Snowdog as an example. Look at the progress he has made...even if it took him years, even if he had long periods when his progress was basically stagnating, even if he had to deal with many bumps in the road, the end result is very clear. Compare that guy as he was when he started his thread to the guy he is now... It's not that he was destined to accomplish his metamorphosis, it's not that it was written in his genes... It's simply that he kept believing in himself and in the goal that he was trying to reach. He kept working at it, kept investing energy into it... And in the end, that made him become succesful. He became as he thought.

When you're average, that doesn't mean you have to stay average. It's a goddamn choice!! If you stay average, then that's your own fault, you just didn't want it enough...

The average guy also needs some honest self-assessment and realistic (possibly lowered) expectations about what Game is going to do for him.

If this is what you believe in, then this will be your reality. If this is what an average guy believes in, then this will be his reality. But if you or anyone else believes he can reach great success and keeps going at it, he will achieve it. There's no such thing as realistic expectations about what Game is going to do for you. There is no set reality about what Game is going to do for you... You shape that reality yourself, it will be whatever you make of it.

Those who can't internalize this thought, will stay average. Those who do internalize this thought, will be succesful. It is all up to you, pick your choice...


Let me comment on that story about speed humps and Ferrari's:

You either put your focus on the speed humps or you put your focus beyond them, on the Ferrari! Sometimes, when I'm lifitng weights, I feel I can barely lift them at the 3rd repetition. At that moment, if I put all my effort into that 3rd repetition, telling myself "I am gonna get this 3rd repetition done, no matter what!" all my effort and focus is aimed at this one repetition. Mostly, this works and I get it up. Yippee!!

Other times, I think to myself: "Fvck this, I will get seven repetitions out!" I don't even think about that 3rd repetition I'm struggling with at this moment, I don't put my thoughts and focus on it at all...I put it way beyond!! My mind is already totally focused on the seventh repetition! Then my body just follows, I get that 3rd repetition up easily, and the forth, and the fifth, and the sixth!

In summary: When I put my mind and focus on the current struggle for that third repetition, I will probably just get it up but after that I am done. But when I put my mind and focus way beyond that third repetition, I will easily lift it and even do more reps after it!

Back to the speed humps and Ferarri's. When you put your mind and focus on the speed humps, you will probably barely overcome them, be happy about it and call it quits. However, if you put your mind and focuss way beyond them, on getting the Ferrari, you will get past the speed humps much easier and obtain the Ferarri, after which the speed humps will be no problem at all ever again.

This is what inner game is all about. You create your own destiny, your own succes. Your own mind is the greatest determining factor of your succes, much greater than all the outside factors that play a role in your succes. Going back to weight lifting: It is not the weight that determines my succes. You, with your way of thinking, would say:

"This is reality, the weight is 50 Pounds and you cannot change this fact. Your body can only lift such a heavy weight a few times... If reality was different, and the weight was only 25 Pounds, you would be able to lift it more times. But this is reality and you have to deal with it, the amount of repetitions you can do, is determined by how heavy the weight is."

As I explained earlier, if that's what you believe, then that will be your reality. Me, I create my own reality, I don't give a fvck about how many pounds that weight is... Because of this, because of what happens in my mind, I will be able to lift the weight seven times, whereas otherwise, I would only be able to lift it three times. The outcome is not fixed, it is dependant of what happens in my mind... This is what inner game is all about, I'm talking about weight lifting as an example now, but the same principle applies to all other things I do in life.

 

[squirrels]

"This is reality, the weight is 50 Pounds and you cannot change this fact. Your body can only lift such a heavy weight a few times... If reality was different, and the weight was only 25 Pounds, you would be able to lift it more times. But this is reality and you have to deal with it, the amount of repetitions you can do, is determined by how heavy the weight is."

As I explained earlier, if that's what you believe, then that will be your reality. Me, I create my own reality, I don't give a fvck about how many pounds that weight is... Because of this, because of what happens in my mind, I will be able to lift the weight seven times, whereas otherwise, I would only be able to lift it three times. The outcome is not fixed, it is dependant of what happens in my mind... This is what inner game is all about, I'm talking about weight lifting as an example now, but the same principle applies to all other things I do in life.

You know, I love a good "mind over matter" spiel as much as anyone, and you are correct that you're often more capable than your mind allows you to believe you are and that you should ALWAYS be pushing your limits, struggling to improve.

But there ARE limits. You can't break limits.

You can stretch and extend them over time, by discipline and right thinking. But you can't Keanu your way through the Matrix just from thinking happy thoughts.

That's why people get frustrated on their way to "success"...from people who've already put the work in and have already "arrived" who spew this "anyone can do it and if you don't, you're lazy and stupid" crap. And the people like those on this forum who parrot it back as if it was canon.

Half of success in anything is "chance" and half of it is being able to recognize that "chance" when it presents itself and being willing to apply yourself. (AKA the "right thinking" that you prescribe)

When Pook says, "As you think so shall you become", he doesn't mean you can just change your way of thinking and overnight go from total chump to total champ at anything. However, as you open your mind to possibilities that it was closed to before, you can certainly GROW in that direction.

In that regard, the OP is doing himself a grave injustice by limiting himself, by establishing an artificial limit saying, "some of us will just never be rich". Then when an opportunity to learn a financial or business skillset comes up, the OP will say, "What's the point of learning that? I'm just a middle-class grunt, that info is worthless for me".

Even if the OP never DOES plan to "start a business", that information could EASILY apply to another pursuit in life that DOES matter to him. But a very important experience was cut off because he decided who he was before he had a chance to see who he COULD have been.

Don't ever limit yourself by saying, "that's just not me". Understand that saying something like that is a CHOICE to limit the scope of your experience in life. If you choose not to do something because you don't WANT to do it, that's one thing, but don't ever tell yourself you CAN'T.

No, you may not have the talent to ball like Jordan. But that doesn't mean you can't learn to ball well enough for your own circles, if you truly love the game. And the lessons you learn on the court could prepare you for a future career, relationship, or pursuit that you would never even expect.

The trick is telling REAL limits from perceived limits you've created for yourself in your mind. And there's really only one way to tell the two apart...that's to test them.

http://www.helloko.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/brucelee.jpg

 

[Die Hard]

Squirrels, I'm not sure which parts of your post are directed to me and which parts are directed to readers in general...but you sure seem to be reading a lot of things in my post that simply aren't there...

Anyway, I have better things to do than correcting your post but if you think that half of developing Game is chance, you're greatly mistaken!

 

[Wilko]

You gotta love the SoSuave forums, take any issue you can think of and you're going to hear equally compelling but opposing points of view. It can be damn hard to choose a position when you've got great arguments to pick from. It's not like a thread ever finishes with everybody nodding in agreement.

Anyway, there does seem to have been a bit of confusion, the thread isn't about me, I'm methodical about my own self-improvement, but my head is in the real world, I don't impose my internal reality on the outside world through sheer force of will.

I'll let my earlier statements stand. I dug Die Hard's weightlifting analogy and I liked squirrel's observation about recognising real limits; you guys did a great job articulating the importance of inner game and what can be achieved with it. I'm not trying to be divisive, I see self-improvement and inner game as wholly worthwhile.

But.

I don't think you guys addressed the idea that most guys in the community are never going to be exceptional men. It's not because they don't have the innate potential or that they don't deserve it, it's just probabilities and distribution. There's always going to be a lot more average guys than exceptional men. That's what I'm trying to draw attention to. And I'm asking the question, how does that observation (I'll stop short of calling it a fact) shape what we do and the advice we give.

Maybe it doesn't matter, that's a possibility.

 

[Iceberg]

But.

I don't think you guys addressed the idea that most guys in the community are never going to be exceptional men. It's not because they don't have the innate potential or that they don't deserve it, it's just probabilities and distribution. There's always going to be a lot more average guys than exceptional men. That's what I'm trying to draw attention to. And I'm asking the question, how does that observation (I'll stop short of calling it a fact) shape what we do and the advice we give.

Maybe it doesn't matter, that's a possibility.

It doesn't shape the advice we give.

This isn't some great revelation. Most people will be never be exceptional. That's pretty much the definition of average...not exceptional, not awful, just normal.

But just because we'll never conquer nations like Caesar or have looks like Brad Pitt doesn't mean that you live your life by limiting yourself. Within your own "average" life, you can still strive for better things. Whether that's getting in shape, developing a hobby, or finding the right girls for yourself.

Which is basically what this site has been about all along. Be the best YOU possible, whether your ultimate fate is to be "average" or not. Be a YOU that you can wake up being proud of every morning.

We're not children. We know that we're not going to be astronauts or multi-billionaires. But that doesn't mean that we need to constantly remind ourselves of how average that makes us. You might not be great if your definition of greatness is being in the history books. But you can be great at building a life for yourself.

 

[Die Hard]

Well, we should strive as hard as we can to get the most out of every person. If only 10% of the community will become awesome DJ's and the other 90% will stay average-ish, then that's just the way it is. It makes no difference and shouldn't make a difference to what the community teaches.

Besides, I think the focus (at least on SoSuave) is always on 'becoming the best man you can be'. That doesn't mean you have to become some sort of super DJ with a fitness model physique, millions of dollars on your bank account and social status like a movie star.

In fact, I think your premise in your OP is incorrect:

It's implied that the path to true success with women (and the rest of your life) is to become an exceptional man

That's not true. I'd put it like this: The better you become as a man, the greater your succes with women. And becoming a better man could mean anything. It's a mistake to think about this in absolutes, I'd say about every principle in Game can be split up in different implementations... Besides, what is "true succes"? That's an extremely relative and subjective concept! When a true AFC gets laid by a HB7, he might feel like he's on top of the world. When someone who has progressed more towards becoming a DJ achieves the same thing, he might feel like it's just another day at the office...

I don't think the rules of the Game are specifically directed at people becoming super DJ's. The theory and advice describe the way to become better with women and they present the image of being a 'true DJ' as the ultimate end goal. That doesn't mean you can't be succesful with women if you haven't reached that ultimate end goal! Besides, the basic principles in all the advice remain the same, whether you're an AFC or already quite the DJ. I think you're mistakingly putting things in absolutes. The advice is not "become rich", it's "increase your wealth". The advice is not "get huge", it's "improve your physique". The advice is not "become famous", it's "improve your social status". These advices hold true no matter what stage you're at.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

But we can't ignore the reality that most of us won't achieve phenomenal success, we won't do the things required or we might find contentment in the middle of the bell-curve. Significant and lasting change is really pretty rare, I don't think we ought to be basing Game around the flimsy promise of an exceptional future self.

Here's a secret - there's no such thing as contentment.

Being content implies that life is static, it's not, and to be honest, how boring would that be anyway? Life consists of varying states of discontent: why else would you bother doing anything? But the good news is that it's more fun and more beneficial to manage discontent than to endure contentment (which you can't anyway since it's transitory at best).

The trick is to understand that there are 2 kinds of discontent - constructive and destructive discontent. What you choose to do with that discontent makes all the difference in the world. You will only get what you've gotten if you keep doing what you've done. Don't allow yourself to fall into destructive habits of dealing with discontent. Don't bother with anti-depressants and self-help books when a good hard workout at the gym would serve you better. You can lethargically wallow in depressive discontent, bemoaning how you wish things were easier, or you can get off your ass and build yourself into something better.

The truth is you should always be discontent, but constructively so. The minute you can look yourself in the mirror and be happy with what you see, you're sunk. You can always improve, even after achieving things that were once very important and difficult to attain. Happiness is a state of being, it's in the 'doing' not the 'having done.' It's not about endlessly chasing your tail, it's not about about the awards and diplomas on your wall, it's about being better than you were the day before.

 

[sharkbeat]

Your mistake is to think theres only one bell curve for the entire population. You might be average on one curve, but on the other, you are exceptional. What is your definition being in that top 5%? Rich? Famous? Handsome? A real estate tycoon? A mayor of the city? Olympic champion? Best house builder? Fastest driver? Best martial artist? There are virtualy unlimited skills you can be good at.

I have one buddy who likes to bar fight. He picked a fight with this guy. Short, average muscle mass, doesnt look buffed like hollywood stars. Turns out hes a freakin US Navy SEAL. He beat the crap out of my buddy. You want to call that guy average? Hes certainly not as rich as Donald Trump, not Barack Obama, not as famous as hollywood stars, not certainly Brad Pitt, and 99.99% of human population will certainly never know his identity.

 

[squirrels]

The truth is you should always be discontent, but constructively so. The minute you can look yourself in the mirror and be happy with what you see, you're sunk. You can always improve, even after achieving things that were once very important and difficult to attain. Happiness is a state of being, it's in the 'doing' not the 'having done.' It's not about endlessly chasing your tail, it's not about about the awards and diplomas on your wall, it's about being better than you were the day before.

You know, before reading this, I didn't think anyone else understood how I think. Most people think along lines of "being content with what you have". Now I stagnate at times, but I've never been content with it...and most people around me just can't understand why not.

I never give "rep", and I'm repping this. As if Rollo needed any more green-blips.

BTW Wilko...every man has it in them to be an "exceptional man". The question is whose definition of "exceptional" you're going by.

We live in a society that judges itself by the esteem that our peers hold us in. It's really kind of a mess in ways, because people will prop you up so long as what you do makes THEIR lives better, but at the same time they will break you down because the better YOUR life gets, the WORSE theirs looks in comparison.

A lot of the differences between great men and lesser men is that great men recognize this and don't let it get them down. They understand that adoration and resentment go hand-in-hand in this drama-ridden backstabbing society and that to do anything great is an affront to others who would look like lesser men in comparison. They know that before they attempt ANYTHING, lesser men will tell them how foolish it is. They claim it's out of empathy and fear for a friend's failure, but it's just as much envy and fear of a friend's success, because if YOU can do it, that means HE can do it and simply has chosen not to, usually out of risk-aversion or fear of stepping outside of his comfort zone.

People are funny social creatures. They want everyone to be "just like them" because that in some way validates their chosen existence. Part of "being an exceptional man" is being able to make your own choices, even when everyone else is doing something else.

 

[vatoloco]

...the path to true success with your life (and, as a by-product, with women) is to become an exceptional man within your Sphere of Influence.

Fixed it fer ya!

 

[Brownrice]

You should always shoot for the sky, even if you don't reach the sky, you will get pretty pretty high up.

It's amazing what the human mind is capable of.
Most self made millionaires had bigggg dreams. It's almost impossible to be successful without a real drive to be the best.

 

[Wilko]

I don't think I've read anything I disagree with! As for whether the rules, tricks and advice need to be tailored to suit mediocrity, well, I think I just answered my own question. I'm happy to call that one resolved.

There's just something about setting completely unrealistic goals that irks me. Though I don't think anyone is actually advocating that, there's just certain phrases like "shoot for the sky" that immediately bring to mind a kind of pathological aversion to reality. Nah'mean?

Thanks to all who took the time to post.

 

[yuppaz]

Rollo - that doesn't sound like a great model for basing your life around. That you will always be discontent. I would say far too many people I know focus on what's wrong in their life vs. focusing on what's right & good in their life. Improvement is fine when it's logically necessary and makes sense but how many people in the US are unhappy because they never feel they have / are enough. So Suave focuses on being your best self which I agree with but I don't think the motto should be focus on constantly striving for more / bigger / better. I personally think of it like this (when my head is on straight): life is made up of a series of moments, the more happy individual moments you have the happier your life. Do what you need to do to setup the ability to have happy moments but know when you're there and when you are enjoy them. That's why I prescribe to trying to be more in the moment and spend less time on psychological life analysis (where do I come from as a person and where am I / should I be going).

Plus chicks dig happy dudes, not hungry / seeking the next better thing dudes. They'll feel better around you and want to be around you more.