Socially lost after my divorce. Looking for some advice. (long)

[LostInLife]

Hey guys,

I guess I am a bit lost as I am trying to rebuild after a divorce. I was in a relationship for a total of 8 years. Of those 8 years, 30 - 36, two of them I was married. She was four years older than me and was already divorced once. She even said she learned about the mistakes in her first marriage so she knows what to look out for (obviously not). Everything seemed to be fine during the dating years, but things started to change about a year in after marriage. During dating, we had some family issues. I lost three people in my family (sister, father and grand father), went through some medical treatments and minor surgery due to a car accident, and due to this my business had to close during my 1.5 years of rehab. She knew all about this and told her it's going to be a rough road ahead for me, and you can leave should you wish. She stated this doesn't effect me, so I have no reason to leave. She was supportive through the deaths and most of my rehab process, but since I never wanted to burden her with my issues or needs, I took care of things myself. Heck, I even drove myself to the hospital twice as I didn't want to burden her with my recovery. Not saying she would or would not had helped, but it is what it is. After about 1.5 years I was back medically and near 100%. During this time, I was still able to work remotely, so money was never an issue. Due to the drop of my income and work, the lovely IRS decided to do an audit of my books. It lasted for about 14 months due to the red tape, but no negative effects on me aside from fees from the accountants and lawyers. We got married a year or so later, but it was a somber moment as my sister passed away from a heart attack six weeks prior. I tried to delay the wedding, but my now ex-wife and her mom (Sicilian) were saying it was bad luck and would curse the marriage, so we moved forward. Due to the steroids I was given, a side effect was a weaken immune system. The doctors told me to ask my wife what vaccinations she had so I can get the same, she refused to tell me. Thus, I came down with viral pneumonia. If I said she left me for dead, that would be an understatement. I was also battling the flu so she didn't see me for a week or so. I was in the apt., she just wouldn't reach out. One day I was out of food, so I had to text her for help to get food. Her response: FINE! What do you need. I told her what I needed, she got the wrong stuff, so it was my fault and she complained about it. I had CVS deliver it instead. I find it interesting that a teenage CVS person could get the right items over the phone, but a 40 year old M.D. from Columbia University couldn't. Nonetheless, I was shocked at her care for me. Yet, two years earlier, she had the flu, and I took care of her for a week.

Sex started to fall to once a week or once every other week. I was in the process of starting a new business and we would still go away on trips two or three times a year. We split most of the expenses on the trip, but never equal. She was/is an MD with no debt, but didn't have much savings. I fixed her savings and investments, so that was a plus for her I guess. Her credit was in the high 600's, so I added her to my credit cards to help raise her score, but never gave her the cards to use. She also moved into my apt 3 months prior to marriage. I wanted to do a trial period of living together, but she didn't want to. I also wanted to go to per-marital counseling, but she declined that as well. Since my life was running at a million miles a minute from deaths in the family, building a new business, medical issues, etc I was tough. However, I tried to keep a positive outlook on things and talk my issues out. Before moving in, she promised that she'd help around the apt., cook meals with me, we'd switch off each Sunday in visiting her parents and my now widow mother, and work together to build a marriage. None of this happened. She refused to take my last name or even hyphen it, even though this was agreed on prior to marriage. She never cooked or picked up after herself, I had to as well as hire a weekly cleaning service, we'd always have to go to her parents on Sunday, but she stopped coming with me to see my mother during the week (I moved it around since she wouldn't go on Sunday). She wouldn't open up a joint bank account for bills, so I'd be paying all the main bills and she'd pay some of food bills when we went out. Seems the script was flipped on me.

In 2015, sex stopped completely. I know some of her co-workers, and they called this other doctor she was working with her work husband. We went on vacation that summer, but she wouldn't kiss me, let alone touch me. When we got back, I said we have issues here and we need to go to marital counseling or we'll be heading for a divorce. She agreed, but never searched for a counselor, so I did. First one, she didn't like. Second one, didn't want to see us anymore for personal reasons. Third one, she didn't like. Forth one, she didn't want me to go with her as she said she needed the help more than we did. I went to see my pastor, and he recommended that we both come in and discuss our issues, she laughed and refused. I bought some divorce busters books that I read and wanted her to read, she read one page. I then suggested a family intervention with her parents, she said they didn't want to get involved, even though I found out later they knew everything; although, completely jaded. I think we should have an open marriage, just we do not bring this home or tell each other about it. I disagreed and refused, she then walked away.

I am not without fault. During my recovery, I was in a lot of pain and distant. When I was in pain, I went into my office (there's a couch there) until the pain subsided. In addition, she moved out of our bedroom and into the guest bedroom as suggested by the docs due to fear that my spinal cord could be injured during recovery. Since she, by mistake already kneed me during sleep (she always had trouble sleeping), we jointly agreed to this. However, after recovery and I was given the okay by the doctors, I wanted her to move back into the main bedroom, but she refused. She also started to get violet at times, by hitting me in the eyes and arms really hard where I had black and blue bruises. I am not a small guy, 5'11'' @ 185 LBS, but what was I supposed to do, have her arrested?

I came home early the next day, and I found her trying to get into my home office. I work with governmental sensitive data, so the door is locked as required by DOD standards. I heard the banging and said what are you doing, she said what's in there? My office, I opened it up and she went through all the draws then left. I followed her into the living room and I said what's the deal here? She then said my therapist suggests we do a trial separation, I said fine, but I want a legal one filed with the court. She then let out that well, my parents had a 2 year trial separation when I was a kid, they didn't file anything. Well, that's what I want if we're going to go that route. She initially agreed and I prepared the paperwork. She said she talked to her parents, and they suggested not to sign anything. I said fine, we can do it the hard way if you wish. I pushed for the separation and she moved out two weeks later. She didn't seem that she wanted to do it, but it was her therapist's suggestion, so sh!t on the pot or get off. I was at my whits end with her as I've never seen or heard of a person put zero into a marriage or try to save it.

Three months later, I filed for divorce as she refused to meet or talk about our issues. She dragged the divorce out for another 1.5 years with 20k in legal fees that were charged to me. I have no idea what she paid. She got nothing in the end as it was deemed as a short term marriage and since we never had a joint bank account, it was deemed our accounts were considered separate property. In addition, I didn't ask for anything and she earned about 40k more than me in income.

It's been a little over two years, and I am still trying to understand how to right my social life. I've lost about 15 lbs. since my divorce and exercise every other day. I will never get married again, as to untangle that web is pure murder; both financially and emotionally. I've tried online dating, match, bumble, etc. with professional pics, very little success. Most of my friends were married with friends of my ex-wife, so their wives seemed to not want them to do things anymore with me. My business is booming and firing on all cylinders. I moved into a house in a more rural area just to get away from it all. However, I think this may have been to my detriment, as many women do not want to entertain anything with me because I am 20 miles from the closest major city. I have no problem going in, but they always ask were I am, and when I say where I am (middle NJ), they disappear.

So, I am now I a bit lost at what to do. I seem f*cked in my social life. I've never tried online dating before the last two years and it's really tough. What does a 38 year old male do with this? I mostly work and really have little interest in doing much more. I've been on my own since my teens. Aside from my ex-wife, I really didn't have much of a social life after college. I have no problems entertaining myself or being alone as I am used to it. I sometimes get lonely and wonder where did I go wrong socially and how to fix it. I've tried meeting people for hikes and other things, but they are 40+ miles away and when I show up they say you've drove all the way from middle NJ to here with a puzzled look on their face. I just feel very pathetic after those experiences. To say I am lost in life is an understatement.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Hey guys,

It's been a little over two years, and I am still trying to understand how to right my social life. I've lost about 15 lbs. since my divorce and exercise every other day. I will never get married again, as to untangle that web is pure murder; both financially and emotionally. I've tried online dating, match, bumble, etc. with professional pics, very little success. Most of my friends were married with friends of my ex-wife, so their wives seemed to not want them to do things anymore with me. My business is booming and firing on all cylinders. I moved into a house in a more rural area just to get away from it all. However, I think this may have been to my detriment, as many women do not want to entertain anything with me because I am 20 miles from the closest major city. I have no problem going in, but they always ask were I am, and when I say where I am (middle NJ), they disappear.

So, I am now I a bit lost at what to do. I seem f*cked in my social life. I've never tried online dating before the last two years and it's really tough. What does a 38 year old male do with this? I mostly work and really have little interest in doing much more. I've been on my own since my teens. Aside from my ex-wife, I really didn't have much of a social life after college. I have no problems entertaining myself or being alone as I am used to it. I sometimes get lonely and wonder where did I go wrong socially and how to fix it. I've tried meeting people for hikes and other things, but they are 40+ miles away and when I show up they say you've drove all the way from middle NJ to here with a puzzled look on their face. I just feel very pathetic after those experiences. To say I am lost in life is an understatement.

Stop saying "Im ****ed" first. It's victim mode. You need to find and gain access to some groups where singles will be present in areas where singles are active. Try meetups. Join a salsa class. You get access to a lot of open minded fun ladies there.

 

[LostInLife]

Thank you for your reply.

1) Already work out 3 - 4 days a week for 2 hours and get blood tests annually. Amazingly, my numbers are in line now, but were out of whack for many years prior.
2) Make plenty of money. After my divorce, I went into earning overdrive in building my new business.
3) All new cloths, new car (old one died - 15 years old), no debt aside from a mortgage.
4) Here's the problem. I live far from the city in the country. I do not mind driving to a metro area, but others find out where I am living and it doesn't go over well. Since most use public transportation and do not have a car, this hurts my social life. There is no train station where I live.
5) Tried, doesn't seem to work around here.
6) I do that with the women who there is zero attraction. Seems the only girl that are interested in my are one's who are overweight. I am not overweight and physically in shape. The last two years in attempting to date have been brutal. First one I dated after my divorce was a pure nutcase. Second one, we were moving towards a relationship after 3 months where she said she finally found the one she was looking for. She then found out that I have a couple of members in my family what went to prison (not me) for investment and embezzlement, so she disappeared after that. The one after that, ghosted me after sex, then reappeared and said I really like you, but it's not going to work out, so I said okay, bye. The forth one was baby crazy and wanted me to pay for everything, so I said this isn't for me, bye.
7) See above.

I'm debating getting a place, let a co-op in metro, but I really do not like living in the city. I know when I did live in the city, I had no issues in getting dates and sex. However, that was 8+ years ago. I was told dating was easier when you get older, it's brutal. I am better financially and in much better shape. My BMI was overweight / obese then, and now it's in line. I went from an XXL to a L in shirts, 18 inch neck to 15.6/7 inch neck, 36 waist to 30/32 inch waste. I will continue to better myself as I've lost the fat, but now need to build muscle. However, I've never felt so sh*tty about my dating prospects. My mind things I will either have to settle for a overweight girl or be alone; neither of which I want. Heck, the last date I had was a few weeks ago and she was bigger than in her picture. I still continued with her thinking I need the practice anyway, and she even ghosted me. I am usually focusing on my business, so I only reach out to girls once a week or so, but if a girl reach out to me, I usually get back to them in a few hours. Again, at a complete loss.

How can someone be "winning" in life, but a complete failure with dating? This is how I feel.

 

[LostInLife]

Stop saying "Im ****ed" first. It's victim mode. You need to find and gain access to some groups where singles will be present in areas where singles are active. Try meetups. Join a salsa class. You get access to a lot of open minded fun ladies there.

Yea, I tried meetups, and it's rough. There are a lot of weird people in those groups. When there is one or two attractive girls, they jump on them like white on rice. i just go and observe and enjoy the company. The only chance is going into metro areas, which are an hour plus from me. As soon as we start chatting, many say, wow you drove all the way here from so and so? I never thought it would be this hard just because I moved out of the metro area. I am debating moving closer to the metro area, but really do not want too. I also feel, eventually, I will go insane by always being by myself socially. Most of my work is online or via skype (consulting - architect), but occasionally I go to the job sites. As weird as it sounds, I get a social rush going to the job site and directly interacting with people at work in person. Strange, I know. Everything seems to be digital now, which has it's pluses and minuses I guess.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Yea, I tried meetups, and it's rough. There are a lot of weird people in those groups. When there is one or two attractive girls, they jump on them like white on rice. i just go and observe and enjoy the company. The only chance is going into metro areas, which are an hour plus from me. As soon as we start chatting, many say, wow you drove all the way here from so and so? I never thought it would be this hard just because I moved out of the metro area. I am debating moving closer to the metro area, but really do not want too. I also feel, eventually, I will go insane by always being by myself socially. Most of my work is online or via skype (consulting - architect), but occasionally I go to the job sites. As weird as it sounds, I get a social rush going to the job site and directly interacting with people at work in person. Strange, I know. Everything seems to be digital now, which has it's pluses and minuses I guess.

I'm kinda in the same boat. Seems if I was firing on all 8 cyllinders I'll be fvcking either babes who'd fall in love with me who are slightly less attractive than I'd like or ones who are attractive enough but nothing to offer than sex and drama and risk . Maybe we're Overthinking it all . Just jump in like a cold swimming pool. "fvck it"

 

[LostInLife]

I'm kinda in the same boat. Seems if I was firing on all 8 cyllinders I'll be fvcking either babes who'd fall in love with me who are slightly less attractive than I'd like or ones who are attractive enough but nothing to offer than sex and drama and risk . Maybe we're Overthinking it all . Just jump in like a cold swimming pool. "fvck it"

I thought I set my standards too high, so I lowered them. One was that one girl I was talking about. She's 32 and seemed like the had a good time, but I reached out a week later, ghosted. I did go on another date two Friday's ago with a woman who was also 32, but in shape. We seemed to have good dialog and touching here or there, but when I tried to kiss, she turned away. Brushed it off, finished with a hug and never heard from her again. Not a text that she had a good time or thanking me for the drinks or anything. Since then, two others wanted to meet for drinks, but then silence when I asked for their numbers. Just about ready to throw in the towel as dating is supposed to be fun, not a choir. When I was 295 LBS it wasn't this hard. I'm thinking it has to be me then, but where? How? Good career - check. Working on improving myself - check. Focusing on my life's goals - check. New car/clothes/etc - check. Own place - check. Out of patience - check. What am I missing; aside from a social circle? I've tried hard to build that too, but old friends/acquaintances want little to do with me. I reached out to some high school and college buddies, they said yea, let's get together, then can't make it. Kids, wife, family, etc.

Again - lost and trying to find my way.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Yea, I tried meetups, and it's rough. There are a lot of weird people in those groups. When there is one or two attractive girls, they jump on them like white on rice. i just go and observe and enjoy the company. The only chance is going into metro areas, which are an hour plus from me. As soon as we start chatting, many say, wow you drove all the way here from so and so? I never thought it would be this hard just because I moved out of the metro area. I am debating moving closer to the metro area, but really do not want too. I also feel, eventually, I will go insane by always being by myself socially. Most of my work is online or via skype (consulting - architect), but occasionally I go to the job sites. As weird as it sounds, I get a social rush going to the job site and directly interacting with people at work in person. Strange, I know. Everything seems to be digital now, which has it's pluses and minuses I guess.

Maybe you can start hitting one of the lesser attractive ones while the monkey shines go on the really attractive ones? That used to be a trick of mines worked great. Don't worry about relationships now. Worry about sex. Observe their true character traits and accept them for who they are. Try to never again be "in love" or lost in infatuation, it makes us stupid.

I was telling bigdave17 he could do the world a huge favor if he gives his fans great c0ck. A lot of the ladies complain that men only worry about their own pleasure and expect to be served.

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

Hey guys.

1. Please, use the cliff notes bullet format.

Look, there was a series of red flags far too many of which were blatantly Obv she is a terrible candidate. I cannot be more surprised when A) dating women older them you (aka not on top form Smv) B) a divorcee!

The mark my friend is top form Sexual Market Value (SMV). That's vague but relatively late teens early twenties. It's not cratered SMV (IE divorced, pushing thirty+) nor is it plummeted SMV, that being the girl who pissed away her best years (teens/early side of twenties) being Chad's booty call. #nextset!

@LostInLife, you were a mark. You followed the beaten path. You were a white knight. You gave the ring to a woman who already swore herself to another man and broke her vows. She was a one night stand, a Netflix and chill, and she was to vacate the premises immediately via cab or Uber. Not upgraded to marriage.

Ain't doing it right.

Go get deezed. Begin a thirty day challenge. Checkout rsd inner circle. Attend rsd inner circle events. Check Rsd free tour. I repeat, free. Interact. Begin approaching women. Every set is PRACTICE. Marriage in 2018 is a means to an end for women securing their cratered smv with a atm. That being make resources. Don't do it. You touched the burning pot of hot water. Society cheered you off the cliff the way feminism does to women with cratering their smv chasing career and Chad's plus have no kids.


There is no NAWALT. IF NOT FIR DECLINING FERTILITY AND SMV, WOMEN DON'T CHANGE. The change follows her inability to compete with other women for Chad's attention and proteins.


Obv, take time to regroup, recalibrate, and see how you can aim for the highest good in this life in a manner that is not pandering to the feminine biological strategy. This isn't manning up. It's being a cuck. Raising some man's baby or playing house once smv craters is ****ing retarded.


You operate covert, blackops, 007 style. See the world as it is. Not how you wish it were to be. Go get baes. Just not at the cost or to the detriment of your ambitions.

Read the following :

• Way of the Superior man by D. Deida
• The rational male by Rollo T.
• The Game by Neil Strauss

This should be enough to get started. Do a thirty day challenge. Search online. You can find each mission. Lift heavy. Take action. Increase your resources. Refrain from being a cuck.

 

[Chev.Chelios]

sex at dawn will save your life.

btw men that live in rural areas never get laid, you have to have a steady supply of poon at a walks distance, no women in proximity = no sex life.

 

[Glassguy]

In 2015, sex stopped completely. I know some of her co-workers, and they called this other doctor she was working with her work husband. We went on vacation that summer, but she wouldn't kiss me, let alone touch me. When we got back, I said we have issues here and we need to go to marital counseling or we'll be heading for a divorce. She agreed, but never searched for a counselor, so I did. First one, she didn't like. Second one, didn't want to see us anymore for personal reasons. Third one, she didn't like. Forth one, she didn't want me to go with her as she said she needed the help more than we did. I went to see my pastor, and he recommended that we both come in and discuss our issues, she laughed and refused. I bought some divorce busters books that I read and wanted her to read, she read one page. I then suggested a family intervention with her parents, she said they didn't want to get involved, even though I found out later they knew everything; although, completely jaded. I think we should have an open marriage, just we do not bring this home or tell each other about it. I disagreed and refused, she then walked away.

You were the female role in the relationship by trying to set up all of these "fixes" for the relationship. I know at the time you thought you were doing the right thing, but you really were not.

At the point the sex started falling off, you should have told her that it is important to you, regular sex wasnt an issue before, and you want to know what the deal is. Its the classic female bait and switch. When the sex falls off, whether it be another rooster in the hen house or as a form of "punishment" to you, it is time to put your foot down and walk. Things never really get better from that point on.

At that point, if it didnt improve, you should have simple told her that it wasnt working out and if she didnt want to sexually satisfy you as she did before, you would find an alternative.

As I read your story I see that you tried your @ss off to make it work. The problem is, that is the thing that doesnt make it work. I know it sounds counter productive, but the major problem with this entire scenario is when she had the ring on her finger, her actions changed. She had you. She called your bluff and you not only took it, but went a step further and tried to find ways to patch it up.

The mindset that would have kept her at bay is this:

"You dont want to please me, fine.....I am walking and not looking back". And then that is what you do.

She agreed to have a healthy sex life when she married you and SHE changed the terms of the contract. You cannot be held responsible for the unforeseen circumstances that popped up in your life and SHE agreed to "better or worse". All married couples that make it go through times of bliss and times of hardship.
You were too nice. You should have put your foot down years ago but you didnt.

You will live and learn, some of those lessons will be brutally tough on you but you WILL be a better man and have a more solid frame from going through it.

Welcome to the forum. You have a lot to learn, so stick around.

 

[LostInLife]

Maybe you can start hitting one of the lesser attractive ones while the monkey shines go on the really attractive ones? That used to be a trick of mines worked great. Don't worry about relationships now. Worry about sex. Observe their true character traits and accept them for who they are. Try to never again be "in love" or lost in infatuation, it makes us stupid.

I was telling bigdave17 he could do the world a huge favor if he gives his fans great c0ck. A lot of the ladies complain that men only worry about their own pleasure and expect to be served.

I've tried that and posted it above with the girl who was a bit heavier than what I normally go for. I usually go for women size 2 - 6, she was easily a size 8. No luck and was ghosted after the second date along with a make out session. She was a good kisser though. Didn't see the ghosting happen, but that's life. I reached out once after that date, she never returned my call, so I moved on.

sex at dawn will save your life.

btw men that live in rural areas never get laid, you have to have a steady supply of poon at a walks distance, no women in proximity = no sex life.

Ironically, I bought that book last week from Amazon. I'll finish it up this week. I am not that rural, I am 20 minutes or so from a major city with 500,000 people, and 35 minutes from Staten Island, NY. I was just tired of apt. living so I got a small house close, but not too close to the metro area. I feel I've grown out of the city life. When I was in the city, never had an issue finding a girl. Now, on various apps, they ask where I reside, they drop off.

You were the female role in the relationship by trying to set up all of these "fixes" for the relationship. I know at the time you thought you were doing the right thing, but you really were not.

At the point the sex started falling off, you should have told her that it is important to you, regular sex wasnt an issue before, and you want to know what the deal is. Its the classic female bait and switch. When the sex falls off, whether it be another rooster in the hen house or as a form of "punishment" to you, it is time to put your foot down and walk. Things never really get better from that point on.

At that point, if it didnt improve, you should have simple told her that it wasnt working out and if she didnt want to sexually satisfy you as she did before, you would find an alternative.

As I read your story I see that you tried your @ss off to make it work. The problem is, that is the thing that doesnt make it work. I know it sounds counter productive, but the major problem with this entire scenario is when she had the ring on her finger, her actions changed. She had you. She called your bluff and you not only took it, but went a step further and tried to find ways to patch it up.

The mindset that would have kept her at bay is this:

"You dont want to please me, fine.....I am walking and not looking back". And then that is what you do.

She agreed to have a healthy sex life when she married you and SHE changed the terms of the contract. You cannot be held responsible for the unforeseen circumstances that popped up in your life and SHE agreed to "better or worse". All married couples that make it go through times of bliss and times of hardship.
You were too nice. You should have put your foot down years ago but you didnt.

You will live and learn, some of those lessons will be brutally tough on you but you WILL be a better man and have a more solid frame from going through it.

Welcome to the forum. You have a lot to learn, so stick around.

You do not know the half of it. If I didn't over hear her chats about me to her friends and family, I'd never know. It was living in absolute misery for me. I felt like she was doing me a favor living with me at my place me paying all the home bills. Her excuse, it's your home, why should I pay for it? Put me on the deed, and I will. No chance of that happening.

When she stopped having sex with me, I did bring it up pretty quickly, and she said she'd work on it. No progress and two months later, I said, I will not continue to be in a sham marriage. We either work on us or we'd end up divorced. Little changed and she brushed it aside. She even was joking about it with her friends and family. When she asked for an open marriage, that drove me through a wall and I just contacted a lawyer to draw the papers for divorce up. Two months later, after she refused all of my pleas to work on the marriage, and she suggested a trial separation, I agreed and said when you are leaving? She said, when she's ready. I said, I can have the cops here to help if you like. I was so done by this point, and she moved out 2 weeks later. Anything she left over, I gave her 30 days to pickup and the rest went into storage. I paid for the first 1.00 monthly fee, after that it was like 150 a month. She blew her top, but she voluntarily vacated my home and left her stuff here for 30+ days. I followed the letter of the law as instructed by my attorney. They didn't think I'd get her to leave voluntarily, I did. Therefore, after 30 days, she cannot legally come back into my home without my consent or it would be considered trespassing breaking and entering. Besides, I changed all the locks and codes.

I guess, when my life was turned upside down and she wasn't there, I needed to stabilize myself first and then work on us. During this time though, I still kept the house, worked from home and cooked when I was able. I still also visited her two-faced family on the weekends, but she stopped going with me to see my aging mother. Which, lived right near where she worked. Once I was firing back on all cylinders, I worked on us and gave it the best shot to fix our sham marriage. I never seen a person care so little about a relationship. She spent 5k on a dress for our wedding, another 5k - 7k on other expenses on the wedding as well. I also spent about 10k on the wedding as well. We recouped that with the gifts, so there wasn't any financial strain on either of us.

I just do not understand how someone who can give up on the marriage and put zero in to it. I will never put myself in this position again. I guess there really wasn't any love or caring on her end from the beginning. It was all a rouse. I thought it was also pretty funny that she blamed me for her incurring all additional costs for relocating, renting and decorating her apt after she moved out.

What an experience... It was a living nightmare once I heard her true thoughts and feelings about me. She actually drew out the divorce to hurt me on legal fees. It seems she was a very cold girl after all.

I am still working on myself. I will not allow myself to be vulnerable to girls again.

 

[LostInLife]

1. Please, use the cliff notes bullet format.

Look, there was a series of red flags far too many of which were blatantly Obv she is a terrible candidate. I cannot be more surprised when A) dating women older them you (aka not on top form Smv) B) a divorcee!

The mark my friend is top form Sexual Market Value (SMV). That's vague but relatively late teens early twenties. It's not cratered SMV (IE divorced, pushing thirty+) nor is it plummeted SMV, that being the girl who pissed away her best years (teens/early side of twenties) being Chad's booty call. #nextset!

@LostInLife, you were a mark. You followed the beaten path. You were a white knight. You gave the ring to a woman who already swore herself to another man and broke her vows. She was a one night stand, a Netflix and chill, and she was to vacate the premises immediately via cab or Uber. Not upgraded to marriage.

Ain't doing it right.

Go get deezed. Begin a thirty day challenge. Checkout rsd inner circle. Attend rsd inner circle events. Check Rsd free tour. I repeat, free. Interact. Begin approaching women. Every set is PRACTICE. Marriage in 2018 is a means to an end for women securing their cratered smv with a atm. That being make resources. Don't do it. You touched the burning pot of hot water. Society cheered you off the cliff the way feminism does to women with cratering their smv chasing career and Chad's plus have no kids.


There is no NAWALT. IF NOT FIR DECLINING FERTILITY AND SMV, WOMEN DON'T CHANGE. The change follows her inability to compete with other women for Chad's attention and proteins.


Obv, take time to regroup, recalibrate, and see how you can aim for the highest good in this life in a manner that is not pandering to the feminine biological strategy. This isn't manning up. It's being a cuck. Raising some man's baby or playing house once smv craters is ****ing retarded.


You operate covert, blackops, 007 style. See the world as it is. Not how you wish it were to be. Go get baes. Just not at the cost or to the detriment of your ambitions.

Read the following :

• Way of the Superior man by D. Deida
• The rational male by Rollo T.
• The Game by Neil Strauss

This should be enough to get started. Do a thirty day challenge. Search online. You can find each mission. Lift heavy. Take action. Increase your resources. Refrain from being a cuck.

Agreed on most, but I was never a cuck. I've learned from my mistakes and I usually do not repeat them. I'm pretty good on that aspect. I just had so many things going on, I didn't notice the true nature of my ex-wife. I thought she was a peach for sticking by me in my time of need. In retrospect, since I never asked her for anything, it was no sweat off her back. Since she was 39/40, gained 30 lbs + since the marriage, she couldn't get pregnant. This was a godsend for me, but nonetheless, I was tested and the issues where not from my side. She also blocked me from going with her to the OBGYN, so I can only assume the issue was on her end. Who knows. All I now know is not give a girl an inch. In reality, she'll want a foot. There is no we in relationships, only her. Thus, best not to play that game.

 

[Roober]

You were the female role in the relationship by trying to set up all of these "fixes" for the relationship. I know at the time you thought you were doing the right thing, but you really were not.

At the point the sex started falling off, you should have told her that it is important to you, regular sex wasnt an issue before, and you want to know what the deal is. Its the classic female bait and switch. When the sex falls off, whether it be another rooster in the hen house or as a form of "punishment" to you, it is time to put your foot down and walk. Things never really get better from that point on.

At that point, if it didnt improve, you should have simple told her that it wasnt working out and if she didnt want to sexually satisfy you as she did before, you would find an alternative.

As I read your story I see that you tried your @ss off to make it work. The problem is, that is the thing that doesnt make it work. I know it sounds counter productive, but the major problem with this entire scenario is when she had the ring on her finger, her actions changed. She had you. She called your bluff and you not only took it, but went a step further and tried to find ways to patch it up.

The mindset that would have kept her at bay is this:

"You dont want to please me, fine.....I am walking and not looking back". And then that is what you do.

She agreed to have a healthy sex life when she married you and SHE changed the terms of the contract. You cannot be held responsible for the unforeseen circumstances that popped up in your life and SHE agreed to "better or worse". All married couples that make it go through times of bliss and times of hardship.
You were too nice. You should have put your foot down years ago but you didnt.

You will live and learn, some of those lessons will be brutally tough on you but you WILL be a better man and have a more solid frame from going through it.

Welcome to the forum. You have a lot to learn, so stick around.

Good post and I would agree!

I will never get in a sexless relationship and no other man should as well. I believe if a woman cuts off sex, you are free to cheat or walk. You do not bargain for sex... ever! Sex is non negotiable.

Also, it sounds like you had some major supplication in this relationship as well. Didn't want to bother her to take you to the hospital? Gave her credit cards to help her score? I am sure there was an insurmountable list of tasks you performed which did one thing... lost her respect. You always ask people to do things for you, even if it's small and even if you can do it yourself easily. It is a very natural leadership quality and very natural for women to submit. For example, "Baby, can you grab me a beer?" Then show appreciation or comment how you love her tight ass. By not asking her for help, it actually shows weakness more than strength.

And the last thing. By the judge of the situation, there were likely many things you ignored prior to marriage.

She doesnt clean. How was her place prior to marriage? When you spent time together, did she clean up after you to? Did you see her clean regularly? How much did she clean when she was young? People dont just change overnight, this shizz just doesn't happen for core values.

You look at the way someone behaves when they think nobody is watching, not when you are watching...

And agreed with above, quit it with the victim nonsense. You should thank her because your life is just getting started.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I've tried that and posted it above with the girl who was a bit heavier than what I normally go for. I usually go for women size 2 - 6, she was easily a size 8. No luck and was ghosted after the second date along with a make out session. She was a good kisser though. Didn't see the ghosting happen, but that's life. I reached out once after that date, she never returned my call, so I moved on.



Ironically, I bought that book last week from Amazon. I'll finish it up this week. I am not that rural, I am 20 minutes or so from a major city with 500,000 people, and 35 minutes from Staten Island, NY. I was just tired of apt. living so I got a small house close, but not too close to the metro area. I feel I've grown out of the city life. When I was in the city, never had an issue finding a girl. Now, on various apps, they ask where I reside, they drop off.



You do not know the half of it. If I didn't over hear her chats about me to her friends and family, I'd never know. It was living in absolute misery for me. I felt like she was doing me a favor living with me at my place me paying all the home bills. Her excuse, it's your home, why should I pay for it? Put me on the deed, and I will. No chance of that happening.

When she stopped having sex with me, I did bring it up pretty quickly, and she said she'd work on it. No progress and two months later, I said, I will not continue to be in a sham marriage. We either work on us or we'd end up divorced. Little changed and she brushed it aside. She even was joking about it with her friends and family. When she asked for an open marriage, that drove me through a wall and I just contacted a lawyer to draw the papers for divorce up. Two months later, after she refused all of my pleas to work on the marriage, and she suggested a trial separation, I agreed and said when you are leaving? She said, when she's ready. I said, I can have the cops here to help if you like. I was so done by this point, and she moved out 2 weeks later. Anything she left over, I gave her 30 days to pickup and the rest went into storage. I paid for the first 1.00 monthly fee, after that it was like 150 a month. She blew her top, but she voluntarily vacated my home and left her stuff here for 30+ days. I followed the letter of the law as instructed by my attorney. They didn't think I'd get her to leave voluntarily, I did. Therefore, after 30 days, she cannot legally come back into my home without my consent or it would be considered trespassing breaking and entering. Besides, I changed all the locks and codes.

I guess, when my life was turned upside down and she wasn't there, I needed to stabilize myself first and then work on us. During this time though, I still kept the house, worked from home and cooked when I was able. I still also visited her two-faced family on the weekends, but she stopped going with me to see my aging mother. Which, lived right near where she worked. Once I was firing back on all cylinders, I worked on us and gave it the best shot to fix our sham marriage. I never seen a person care so little about a relationship. She spent 5k on a dress for our wedding, another 5k - 7k on other expenses on the wedding as well. I also spent about 10k on the wedding as well. We recouped that with the gifts, so there wasn't any financial strain on either of us.

I just do not understand how someone who can give up on the marriage and put zero in to it. I will never put myself in this position again. I guess there really wasn't any love or caring on her end from the beginning. It was all a rouse. I thought it was also pretty funny that she blamed me for her incurring all additional costs for relocating, renting and decorating her apt after she moved out.

What an experience... It was a living nightmare once I heard her true thoughts and feelings about me. She actually drew out the divorce to hurt me on legal fees. It seems she was a very cold girl after all.

I am still working on myself. I will not allow myself to be vulnerable to girls again.

Awesome! My mom whose a strong feminist believes a woman "not putting out" is a huge problem. They know it's a power play . It's the lead in to being cvcked . You handled yourself excellent .

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

Agreed on most, but I was never a cuck.

Like an onion, a cuck has many layers but it is just that.

A divorcee, plummeted smv, cratered smv, single moms, and or pandering to the female biological strategy is cuckoldry.

I've learned from my mistakes and I usually do not repeat them. I'm pretty good on that aspect. I just had so many things going on, I didn't notice the true nature of my ex-wife. I thought she was a peach for sticking by me in my time of need. In retrospect, since I never asked her for anything, it was no sweat off her back. Since she was 39/40, gained 30 lbs + since the marriage, she couldn't get pregnant. This was a godsend for me, but nonetheless, I was tested and the issues where not from my side. She also blocked me from going with her to the OBGYN, so I can only assume the issue was on her end. Who knows. All I now know is not give a girl an inch. In reality, she'll want a foot. There is no we in relationships, only her. Thus, best not to play that game.

There's discussion about the war. About seizing land. Similarly, the same follows with tyranny in the workplace or ideological insanity like feminism.

You give an inch, the tyranny takes a mile. This is what set off WWII. A woman leaves her stuff at your place. Next she stays over a few nights. Next it's weeks. Next it's her living there. It's sex no condom. Cannot get pregnant until accidentally on purpose. Thank God, you escaped.

Have you checked inner circle? Booked free tour in your city?

You want to be a walking DHV. Busy yourself. Learn from the past or be destined to repeat it.

 

[LostInLife]

Good post and I would agree!

I will never get in a sexless relationship and no other man should as well. I believe if a woman cuts off sex, you are free to cheat or walk. You do not bargain for sex... ever! Sex is non negotiable.

Also, it sounds like you had some major supplication in this relationship as well. Didn't want to bother her to take you to the hospital? Gave her credit cards to help her score? I am sure there was an insurmountable list of tasks you performed which did one thing... lost her respect. You always ask people to do things for you, even if it's small and even if you can do it yourself easily. It is a very natural leadership quality and very natural for women to submit. For example, "Baby, can you grab me a beer?" Then show appreciation or comment how you love her tight ass. By not asking her for help, it actually shows weakness more than strength.

And the last thing. By the judge of the situation, there were likely many things you ignored prior to marriage.

She doesnt clean. How was her place prior to marriage? When you spent time together, did she clean up after you to? Did you see her clean regularly? How much did she clean when she was young? People dont just change overnight, this shizz just doesn't happen for core values.

You look at the way someone behaves when they think nobody is watching, not when you are watching...

And agreed with above, quit it with the victim nonsense. You should thank her because your life is just getting started.

I never bothered anyone with my medical issues, even family. I do not ask for help from anyone; it's just how I am. I've always been like that since a child. As for her place, it was like a tornado hit it. It was so bad some times, I tidied up because I could not take it. She swore up and down my place would not look like this. Her room looked like a pigsty. I often joked with others it was so bad, I'd do a pre-clean up prior to the cleaning service arrived. Every time it happened, I talked to her about it. It would get better for a few days, then get worse. So, I just took all her crap, threw it in the closet. I told her I do not want this house to look like a pigsty. She got very upset. I said act like an adult, not a kid and clean up after yourself. She rolled her eyes. Her parent's house is and always was spotless. Even when they came over to my house, they were amazed on how tidy it was. She said yea, she cleaned up, they looked at her and didn't believe her. I just smiled and shook my head.

I never said I was a victim, just giving the background story. I am just having zero luck with finding new girls. I've tried mid 20's up to 40's, no luck.

Awesome! My mom whose a strong feminist believes a woman "not putting out" is a huge problem. They know it's a power play . It's the lead in to being cvcked . You handled yourself excellent .

Yea, she had some feminist tendencies. I do not stay where I am not wanted, so I left. No biggie. I did want to have sex with her, but I guess the feeling was not mutual. Not going to cry over spilled milk, just moved on.

Like an onion, a cuck has many layers but it is just that.

A divorcee, plummeted smv, cratered smv, single moms, and or pandering to the female biological strategy is cuckoldry.



There's discussion about the war. About seizing land. Similarly, the same follows with tyranny in the workplace or ideological insanity like feminism.

You give an inch, the tyranny takes a mile. This is what set off WWII. A woman leaves her stuff at your place. Next she stays over a few nights. Next it's weeks. Next it's her living there. It's sex no condom. Cannot get pregnant until accidentally on purpose. Thank God, you escaped.

Have you checked inner circle? Booked free tour in your city?

You want to be a walking DHV. Busy yourself. Learn from the past or be destined to repeat it.

When I met her, she was an easy 8-9, over time and since marriage, she fell to a 5. Stopped wearing perfume, sexy clothing, make-up, her ring, shaving her legs, pubic area and arm pits. I had no idea what I married. She's Sicilian, so they can get quite hairy in those areas. It was like being with the creature from the blue lagoon.

Have no inner circle. Starting socially from scratch, and it's is not easy. Since my divorce, I've turned into a loner mostly and working on myself.

 

[Chev.Chelios]

Ironically, I bought that book last week from Amazon. I'll finish it up this week. I am not that rural, I am 20 minutes or so from a major city with 500,000 people, and 35 minutes from Staten Island, NY. I was just tired of apt. living so I got a small house close, but not too close to the metro area. I feel I've grown out of the city life. When I was in the city, never had an issue finding a girl. Now, on various apps, they ask where I reside, they drop off .

yeah after suffering my whole life through several breakups and finaly losing my precious stupid little family and the woman I was engaged to, im talking suicidal pain for years here that book is what finaly gave me a framework to heal myself,

a huge problem in this community is men falling into depression after breakups, their neurology is so damaged and out of whack they rarely snap back out of it, it's why rarely meet cool older guys, 95% of them are stuck with fat wives or their still brutalized.

the issues your going though man are probably the most common in modern society and theyre not to be taken lightly.

 

[Glassguy]

I will never get in a sexless relationship and no other man should as well. I believe if a woman cuts off sex, you are free to cheat or walk. You do not bargain for sex... ever! Sex is non negotiable.

Totally agree. Only a non caring b!tch would pull the bait and switch using sex as a "reward" for good behavior.

Its no different than if I agreed to hire an employee at $50 an hour to turn around a couple of months in and say "I dont want to pay you but I still expect you to be at work and do your best every day".

He would walk. No sex = no problem. Plenty of women want sexed up and they arent hard to find.

OP's story is a classic white knight in a sense. Wants to be the helper, doesnt want to step on toes and feels as though he is bothering people when asking for something. I think a lot of us have been a version of that at one point or another.

There are people who use others and the ones that are used. Not saying we should treat people like trash, but you can use someone for something you need and still be decent/respectful/appreciative of it.

I am all for using all available resources to get what I want in life.

 

[Glassguy]

When she asked for an open marriage, that drove me through a wall and I just contacted a lawyer to draw the papers for divorce up. Two months later, after she refused all of my pleas to work on the marriage, and she suggested a trial separation

This is what you need to learn from this entire situation and really nothing more: You NEVER plea with a woman. 2 months of pleading with her?

In the future if a woman acts disrespectful, just wink at her and tell her to go kick rocks and get the fvck out. You need to build your self esteem back up because this woman robbed you of it.

Open marriage? WTF? She was screaming "I am cheating" and you condoned it.

In ANY relationship, if it is not working out to your advantage and fulfilling your needs, you simply use silence and distance. In this case, since she lived with you, a simple "get the fvck out of my house" should do the trick. If she became super b!tch, just call the cops and say she is trying to physically harm you and herself if she doesnt leave voluntarily and that should do the trick.

You need to learn to have ZERO tolerance for disrespect and to give ZERO fvcks about one particular woman who pulls this shyte.

 

[LostInLife]

Yea, that open marriage offer was a big blow, that was why I met with an attorney that week. We put together a plan for her to voluntarily leave my house. As stupid as it sounds, because we were married, it was considered a marital home and I couldn't get rid of her unless a court okays it or she voluntarily leaves. Once she's gone for over 30 consecutive days, she's lost her right to enter the marital home without a court or order approval of the owner. I cannot prove that she cheated, but I am sure it was on her mind. We had a PI follow her for those 2 months, as I wanted to file on ground of adultery, no luck. She went to work and back home to her parents place (she didn't rent a new place until 3 months later for some reason).

No doubt, the failure of that relationship hit hard, but I am equally having a difficult time with finding new girls. If I go to the metro, I can and do converse with girls during activities and such. I have had very little luck with online dating. I do not consider myself ugly, but since I divorced I've been on and off of online dating. I must had message 500+ girls, no luck. I think 6 may had met me in real life, two equated to sex. A person's ego can only take so much until they just consider giving up.

Aside from my unsocial life, all is looking up. Health @ 100%, better than it's been for years. Lost a lot of weight, building muscle as well; albeit slower than I'd like. Business firing on all cylinders. I also do not put up with people's garbage anymore and call them out immediately on it or just leave. I've never ran after a girl, and I will no do so now. No reply or response, no problem. X em out. I am mentally preparing myself for the very real possibility of being alone 4 the rest of my life. It stings a bit, but, that may be how the cookie crumbles so to speak. I cannot entertain a woman I am not attractive to. I am not looking for 8+, I'd be content to start at 5+ and see where it goes. No luck. Maybe a break from this online dating bs is in order. And they said dating gets easier when you're older. No, it doesn't; at least for me. My 20's were hit and miss, but nowadays, it's brutal.