social status.. please help me out here

[randalll]

is this really so important?

ive never been a great communicator.. and i feel like this puts me at a huge disadvantage, with women, friends, and even work. maybe i see myself as low value, im not sure, i just struggle to connect with people a lot of the time.

people will say don't try etc, but if i don't, there's even less connection (((im not trying to get people to like me by the way, im trying to improve myself, as i know this will bring real happiness))). so i feel like i always have to improve myself, and because im introverted, this takes effort..

see what im saying?

most people would say im stuck inside my head, and i think too much. i dont know how to improve myself and get to a point where i can be content with myself, and at ease all the time

please help me out with this one guys

i need to get past this

randall

 

[slaog]

Find the areas that need improving. Write them down and make out goals to improve those areas.


As you improve you may have to 'fake it till you make it' i.e make a conscious effort to act the way you want to be.


A quick way to improve which I always recomment is body language. Most communication is done through BL and it's easy to learn.


Keep reading material.

 

[trv26]

Another thing with regards to social status is how dependent you are on the rest of your group vs. how much they look up to you for something. I.e. you essentially need a bargaining tool. Ideally the bargaining tool being something you can bring to the group that they want much more than what you need from them.

Say someone picks up a fight with you for example would you be able to defend yourself, or do you look up to them. If its the latter the other guy automatically tends to gain status over you. Unless you got something to balance it out.......

 

[shinko]

social IS important, but probably not for the reasons your thinking. high social status doesnt equal happiness nor does it automatically mean your get everything you need in life. it DOES however make achieving the goals and targets in your life that you do have easier to achieve.

(and by heck if you havent set yourself goals so you can reach your aspirations, get off this site and dont return until you do)

you've ackownledged that your not a great communicator and that is a perfect place to start. all the best communicators are those who ENJOY talking to people and being in the company of people in general. if either one is not true of you ask yourself why. is it negative past experiences holding you back? is it the feeling that your just not good at it? is it that you dont think you have anything worth offering? whatever it is work it out and break it down until you are crystal clear in your own mind why your situation is the way it is.

Next observe people who have qualities which you admire. what do they do, how do they behave,what do they say,why is it that you admire that quality. this is very different from just trying to be someone else.why? because say you wanted a confident persona, some confident people will do things which are completely incongruent to who YOU inately are.sure they display the quality you disire but it just isnt you. Your goal to achiving social status should not be at the cost of losing the intrisic qualities that make you who you are.

What im trying to help you do in those 2 steps is establish in your mind what your starting point is and what the end result is.next is to fill in the gap. you can go about this a number of ways.

1. get out of comfort zone - by this i mean if talking is awkward for you. talk to 3 people everyday that you dont normally talk to for example.

2. aim to make 3 female friends over the next 6 months who you dont already have. they can be your wing girls later on

3. study material in small quanities and then practise them. keep doing it until it's second nature. only then do you go read abit more.

4. go out more, you cant meet people in your house. the internet doesnt count as meeting people.

5. pick up some hobbies that force you to meet people. salsa classes are ideal, or the gym.

6.start taking abit more care with your appearance and get plenty of sleep. it will boost your confidence no end.

7. hang out with people who display qualities you want to learn. osmosis is a great way to pick things up

8. start ringing your friends, more than instant messaging. you need to practise talking, not typing.

9. read the papers more and be more aware of the world around you and bring these things up in convo's. it will make your chat more interesting.

10. if you want social status, aim to the fun one in the group. the guy who always has an idea about something to do,a joke to tell,knowledge to share. if you bring value to your friends, you will rise in their estimation and thus their opinion of you. bingo!

 

[saber]

the thing is that being social takes practice

everyday goes by and you continually develop this anitsocial identity

people might be shocked to see you act "normal" all of a sudden

A few tips that helped me...

always experiment and remember that peoples negative reactions are an attempt to sabatoge your success....ignore them and press forward

say "hi personsname" the second you see someone...the longer you take to start talking in a given situation the more awkward it becomes

its going to be wierd so i would recomend cold approaches for two reasons

1 it doesn't alienate you from your current conatcts as you make the necessary mistakes that come with practice

2 it allows you to meet new people...you will need new friends who don't know the old you...this helps to reinforce your new identity

 

[randalll]

thanks for the feedback guys. i've already been trying a lot of the things you've suggested, like calling friends instead of texting (i hardly ever text), and reading funny or interesting books, and the news.. i do that pretty much every day now. this stuff definately does help.

but right now i feel like ive seen all the improvement i'll ever make, which is quite a lot if im being honest, but im still not where i want to be. and i feel exactly the same now as i did 6 months ago.

it's like i've got this weight on my mind all the time, constantly pulling me down and making it difficult to concentrate on things (people can see this in me, sometimes immediately, and it really does lower my status, making it difficult for me to lift myself up), and if i could only find out what the problem is, and sort it out, i'd feel ok, but i can't.

feels like i've done all i can to try to improve myself. i've read lots of material (not just from this site) and i've used it when im out, and seen good results.. but it never really lifts the weight from my mind.

has anyone experienced this before, and how did they deal with it?

thanks for reading
randall

 

[Sir_Turtle]

Try talking to everyone at every normal opportunity.

Not just girls. But anyone. Not only will you learn things from them, such as interesting facts and what not you will become less hesitant and more confident.

If you have a job where you normally interact with people turn every transaction into an interaction. in other words if your a waiter at a restaurant or w/e talk to people and genuinely care about their responses and what they have to say.

Learn to connect with people by just getting out there and interacting.

 

[shinko]

just a guess. do you have a purpose? something your driving towards, something to focus your energy on. i've experienced similar strive when i didnt have clearly defined goals i wanted to work towards.

 

[AreYouSingleFemale]

I can answer that. I have a purpose and that is to bed a lot of women. I can never understand why some people on this site rave that it is important to have other goals in life.

 

[shinko]

heh. because there's a lot more to life than getting your willy wet

 

[Skel]

Off to bootcamp with you.