social retardation

[dice]

I have a problem and its getting worse so im askin for help. I have NO PERSONALITY. I'm not stupid or anything I just struggle to maintain conversation. My problem is I cannot think of anything to say other then asking questions to keep the other person talking. I can't even talk to my roomate, we had a 2 hour car ride yesterday and we barely talked I just sat there thinking "man I have NOTHING to say" and when I did say something it just came off as obviously trying to interupt the silence. I just lost my GF cuz of this. This has been an ongoing problem and the worst part is i STILL don't know how to fix it. I feel like I've tried everything (books, meditation, journal-writing, sosuave, gaining ALOT of social experience no matter how awkward it was for me, psychology course, self-examination, affirmations to name a few) and the problem is only getting worse.

I dont even know what im asking for from you guys because I don't know what my problem is. My GUESS is the problem is either

A) I need to get out of my own head and start focusing 100% on my physical reality instead of doing "brain work" (see above examples) to fix myself.

B) I need to find myself. Find out who I am exactly. Be me instead of being the best.

ANY advice is welcome

 

[john_x]

stop trying to find your self, your here to create your self

 

[BlackAccord]

/\ love that line

but seriously man, just think to yourself why you dont have anything to talk about..is your life boring? change it! go out to a club or something, do something crazy like bungee jump, and then talk about it later on, it'll not only start up the conversation but it will also lead into other things

 

[So pimp its scary]

You haven't picked up any interesting stories??

I love telling stories... maybe I've been lucky enough to be witness to some pretty wild shyt in my day, but I've got stories about anything and everything... whether or not I was directly involved.

 

[iCY]

try this. it might help. i had the same problem, i was more of a thinkier. i would think everything instead of saying it.

when you wake up in the morning, take out a sheet of paper and start writing. dont stop writing tilll the whole sheet is FILLED. write WHATEVER comes to mind. noones going to read it so you can write the sickest sh*t you want and it doesnt matter. the point is to get you to loosen up with what you communicate. stop thinking about how others are gonna view what you say and just start saying it. and yes, it has to be done in the morning, thats when your 'creative' side is more alive(i forget the specific exact reasons, i think it was something like- the artistic side of the brain was more awake when you first wake up so your more creative. during the day the other side has greater control so your not as creative.)

just try this out for as several weeks and see if you improve

 

[Scrumtulescence]

I have the same problem. Unless I'm with a really talkative, outgoing person, I find it really hard to talk to people. I'm sure the biggest part of the problem is that I really didn't have anything of a life during highschool and college. What does make it really hard is that I really don't have an, as So-pimp pointed out, stories to tell. It doesn't help that my conversation skills aren't great, although they're not terrible...I just have a hard time relating to what people are talking about or adding to a conversation because I have no experiences to draw from.

 

[Keeper]

I used to be like this... but I noticed slight changes once I started chatting on the internet. It started with meeting people on Yahoo - then progressed and now I'm on IRC chatting to people I already met. Bottom line: talk talk talk. Even if it's just IM chat, because any kind of self expression will help.

Write. I personally love to write fiction. Over the last few years I learned SO many different ways to tell a story and express myself.

So what you call 'social retardation', I simply call 'lack of expression'.

 

[Scrumtulescence]

Originally posted by Keeper
I used to be like this... but I noticed slight changes once I started chatting on the internet. It started with meeting people on Yahoo - then progressed and now I'm on IRC chatting to people I already met. Bottom line: talk talk talk. Even if it's just IM chat, because any kind of self expression will help.

Write. I personally love to write fiction. Over the last few years I learned SO many different ways to tell a story and express myself.

So what you call 'social retardation', I simply call 'lack of expression'.

So, seriously, how do you learn to tell a story well? I absolutely suck at telling stories.

 

[LuvLadies]

I also find it hard to talk if I don't know a person well, its funny because talking to people is how you get to know them. Also when I'm around a group of loud people, I can get all loud and crazy with them. But if I'm with just one other person (male or female), I tend to be quiet, shy and boring.

 

[bud_2005]

yeah im a lil like u I went to a party tonight and I couldnt think of anything to say besides "hi, how are you". Maybe it was because I was tired I dont know. It makes me sad that everone around me is having fun and I just cant think of anything to say.

 

[DLxX]

Originally posted by dice
I have a problem and its getting worse so im askin for help. I have NO PERSONALITY. I'm not stupid or anything I just struggle to maintain conversation. My problem is I cannot think of anything to say other then asking questions to keep the other person talking. I can't even talk to my roomate, we had a 2 hour car ride yesterday and we barely talked I just sat there thinking "man I have NOTHING to say" and when I did say something it just came off as obviously trying to interupt the silence. I just lost my GF cuz of this. This has been an ongoing problem and the worst part is i STILL don't know how to fix it. I feel like I've tried everything (books, meditation, journal-writing, sosuave, gaining ALOT of social experience no matter how awkward it was for me, psychology course, self-examination, affirmations to name a few) and the problem is only getting worse.

I dont even know what im asking for from you guys because I don't know what my problem is. My GUESS is the problem is either

A) I need to get out of my own head and start focusing 100% on my physical reality instead of doing "brain work" (see above examples) to fix myself.

B) I need to find myself. Find out who I am exactly. Be me instead of being the best.

ANY advice is welcome

Seriously this post could have been written by me and fit 100%. I was just about to write something like this, but your post sums up my problems almost 100%. I'm gonna keep my eye on this thread, and hopefully the information can keep flowing.

 

[DonJuanMonk]

just cause two people can't converse doesn't mean you're socially retarded or the other person is.

it usually means the both of you just "don't click" - no probs with that. trying to fill silence is not gonna cut it if the person is not talking at the same wavelength.

 

[Scrumtulescence]

Originally posted by DonJuanMonk
just cause two people can't converse doesn't mean you're socially retarded or the other person is.

it usually means the both of you just "don't click" - no probs with that. trying to fill silence is not gonna cut it if the person is not talking at the same wavelength.

Not when it happens with almost everyone you meet. Some people just have a difficult time conversing with others whom they're not comfortable/familiar with.

 

[Dapper Swindler]

I used to know a guy that would talk about the most boring, pointless drivel. But he would say it with such conviction, confidence, and excitement that people thought it was interesting. Maybe give that a shot.

 

[DinoCassanova]

Another two cents for you.....

Dice, I think you ARE in a way "finding yourself" through all of this. What is it exactly that you're aiming to be? Who are you aiming to be like, if anyone? Is it just that you want/expect to be one of those really extroverted real social kinds of guys who seems comfortable and talkative and flirtatious w/the opposite sex almost all the time in almost any situation? Because that might be impossible for you. Not to shoot you down here, but that might just not be what you are, given the way your personality sounds. Now clearly I don't know you, so you can take that w/a grain of salt if you want, but you sound to me like basically an introverted kind of guy, a nice quiet shy reserved kind of guy. There's nothing wrong w/that. Alot of people are like that and alot of people like people who are like that. I would guess, and again I don't know you from Adam, but I would guess that that is a big part of "who" you really are.

Alot of personality is not only learned or environmental but genetic. There are genes for things like aggression (which, in a social situation, would correspond to those kinds of guys who seem to "dominate" a party or social gathering, you know the type). Sometimes here those are called "alpha" males. Well it seems every guy who comes around here is aiming at trying to become an alpha male. But not all of us have it in us to be that way. If we force it, we're just being something we're not. And we can do that, of course, but that's not being honest w/ourselves. And it will feel forced and awkward when we try it. There are some men who literally can't / couldn't cold-approach if they had a gun to their back. I'm not saying that that's YOU, but there are guys like that. There are also guys who are just plain QUIET. Deep heavy thinkers. They live in their minds practically. When they're out places, they tend to think their way through the party. They could probably use to loosen up a bit, sure, have a ****tail maybe, look into maybe attending a seminar or course that deals with social interaction and assertiveness perhaps. There are positive steps that can be taken, BUT, at the same time, don't get your hopes up or set your sights for yourself up TOO high. Because it just might not be realistic, and then you just end up feeling more down the next time you're out and then you get even quieter because you feel you're "socially retarded" (which you're of course actually not). It's kind of like being at an amusement park. Lots of people like going on fast-spinning rides. I always decline. I don't like them. I don't care what others think, I could have Carmen Electra on my arm (don't I wish) begging me to go with her on one and I'd tell her honey you go ahead, I'll watch. It's just not me. You have to learn to figure out what is "you", and what isn't. Maybe being the super talkative life-of-the-party hit-on-every other-girl-you-see kind of guy is just not you. But then it doesn't have to be. It's ok if it's not you. So figure out if that's the case, would be my best advice, and then make adjustments accordingly. Take positive steps, and continue learning new things about social interaction, and work to improve your social game, but don't expect unrealistic things, unrealistic changes, of yourself.

 

[h2o]

dude, don't fret, i used to have a similar problem as you...I used to only ask questions and let the other person talk.

one thing that really helped is trying to find the funny and interesting in everyday everything. that means, from the moment you get up from bed, indulge in your experiences. truly get involved with people and the things you do. you are surely going to start feeling things, and you will retell interesting and funny stories from the things that happen to you.

don't be afraid to dish out sincere compliments!

try making a habit/goal of saying exactly what is on your mind 3-4 times a day. just statements. in other words, have you ever felt something being said in your head but didn't say it aloud? i used to be like that all the time. i would think something but i was afraid of judgment so i kept it to myself. but don't be afraid to say what is on your mind, no matter how ugly it is. be dead honest. listen to the chorus in jayz and eminem's "renegade"...goes like, "never been afraid to say what's on my mind at any given time of day, cause i'm a renegade, never been afraid to talk about anything..." rings so true.

point funny/interesting stuff out to people and just open strangers. also, make a goal of limiting the number of questions you ask and make yourself just make statements.

if you have to, sit down and write down the interesting stuff that happened to you in a day, or make a note of things, and then you can recall them at a later time and retell them in a different light. it makes for great conversation.

you may think this is stupid, but get to know people who talk a damn lot, and rather than just sit and listen to them, interrupt them and talk over them. talk a damn lot, as much as you can. don't worry if you are heard or not. participate more in group conversations, these are tougher. start with a small group of say 2 more people, then move onto larger and larger groups. you will improve, you just have to challenge yourself.

these are all things i've done and continue to do, and i assure you they will help. it will not be easy either, but you need to work hard at anything to get anywhere.

best of luck.

 

[bud_2005]

What is a good opener to tell a story then? Say the party is loud and everyone is talking, how do you get peoples attention. Do you yell "HEY EVERYONE, I HAVE A STORY!!". No probably not. Then how do you do it. It is easy when people are drawn to you, but its not like that for most people.

 

[h2o]

Originally posted by bud_2005
What is a good opener to tell a story then? Say the party is loud and everyone is talking, how do you get peoples attention. Do you yell "HEY EVERYONE, I HAVE A STORY!!". No probably not. Then how do you do it. It is easy when people are drawn to you, but its not like that for most people.

i'm no expert at stories yet, but I also wouldn't usually tell the whole party a story...i'm talking 50-75 people and sometimes more at parties. you can't get all their attentions.

rather, i've been telling these "stories" to girls I approach or one-on-one conversations. also, in groups of 3-4.

in groups, you don't have to directly get their attention like that. instead, you say stuff based on what is already being talked about. for example, if the subject is school or math, then you bring up your funny math teacher. just be like, "yeah, i had/have this math teacher, and ..." blah blah.

you just insert your "stories" into conversations, so it just flows. it's usually not retold formally as a "story." it's woven into conversation. that's why i say find the interesting/funny in everything, so you have a little something to talk about everything.

thinking about it now...i often do this. say we're talking about sports, and i say, "yeah, and you know what's really funny..." and i pause. i've done this several times with a girl, and it usually makes her lean in and listen, because they want to know what's funny. and that's when you start telling them your story that's related to, say sports, if that was the current conversation topic.

and your stories don't even have to be hilarious. Juggler says something about making his grocery list sound amazing.

you basically are just talking about stuff that has happened to you. and people can tell what kind of person you are through your stories, and hence, you project "value." and you get charisma points for the way you tell the story, and project yourself, etc.

here's some other "openers" i can think of:

"yo, you know what happened the other day..."

"hey, get this..."

"yeah, i actually did something similar the other day, when..."

etc...

and don't worry who is paying attention or not...most times, if someone notices that others are listening closely, they will be drawn to listen as well. once you make a few people laugh, people will listen more.

there's other story tips out there...look up "Dimitri" in tips he has a good one
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btw, i commend you dice, on making it a goal to "find yourself." i believe that is one of the best things you can set out to do. you will find that once you truly believe and accept yourself and who you are, that a lot of other things will start to fall into place. that is something not everyone sets to do, because it isn't easy and will take time. too many want a quick fix. and remember, it's the journey that counts...you won't be disappointed.

 

[Boner da Stoner]

Are you a product of society?

Stop obeying and start commanding dude, there is no society without needs and esires. You WILL realize this if you continue on the DJ path, and it is an excellent question.

You must ANSWER your questions before you ask, reframe, revisuaize, reask!

There is no end to the human mind, so you must create boundaries, and discover new ones.

dice, you should know the everybody does it kind of posts from the, why the **** are you even asking this question kind of posts.

Than you can ask again

 

[bossdog]

dont think just talk