Social Anxiety is killing me!

[One on One]

I don't know what my freaking problem is, but I act in such irrational ways when it comes to socializing in large groups. Whether it's a party, in class, or a group dinner, I always withdraw into my shell when there's more than about, say, four people. I get afraid of being judged by the other people around. The thing that sucks about it is that I am a funny, charismatic guy that can make just about any girl with half a sense of humor laugh. Whenever it's just me and the girl or a small group, I nearly always make a great impression on the chick. I act like myself in those situations. But, add a few people and I suddenly feel terribly anxious and basically stop talking.

It's really pissing me off because I know I could get just about any girl if I was able to act like myself at all times. Usually the pattern is something like this: get to know a girl on an individual level and she really likes me, then she starts noticing me so she sees how socially incompetent I act when it's a large group and loses interest. I'm tired of this crap.

 

[megz_hunni]

that sucks dude. i got like that once at a party just after i heard a rumour one pf my exes was spreading. its not a fun feeling, i know. all i can say is dont focus on the fact that there are lots of other people there, focus on whomever you're talking to at the time. show a little confidence, even if you really arent feelin so confident. good luck buddeh!
-meagan

 

[WatchMeWalk]

Maybe you're trying to fit into the wrong crowd. Last summer, I was on a guided tour to Israel with a group of about 50 Abercrombie-sporting, rap-listening, mainstream lemmings. During that time, I involuntarily forced myself into a shell so bad, I thought there was something mentally wrong with me for months afterward.
But when I got back to college, I joined clubs that catered to my interests and I have no problem fitting in.

 

[DJStudent]

Don't look at it as withdrawing in your shell. If it's not the type of group you normally hang out with, stand there and listen to what they are saying, learn something new. You shouldn't have trouble talking about something if it's the same group of people like yourself. If you do, then you have some phobias you might need counseling on.

 

[confus4ever]

Take Fu#ckin meds like i have to take,
I'd be seroius with you but i can't because of the f#ckin idiots out there.........................................Keyword: CELEXA...It does help

 

[confus4ever]

Just kidding about the meds.........
Actually, i know enough about Psychology that life is life. To biol it down takes time
Good Luck

 

[squirrels]

Don't speak unless you have something to say.

Just speaking to say, "Hey, look at me guys, I'm not afraid to speak" doesn't come off too good.

If nothing else, make some observations about the environment.

Remember, in a big group, you may feel like everyone's judging you, but SO WHAT if they judge you? Be who you want to be...their opinions don't mean squat in the long run, it's whether you're comfortable being YOU.

One other thing you need to know...it's not necessary to "make an impression" on a group of people if they haven't made one on you. Lots of times, if you get bored with a group, just walk away and find another group. It's not like they expect you to be gripped by what they have to say, especially in a social atmosphere. Excuse yourself if you feel like you were being spoken to, and move to someone who's worth talking to.

 

[Reto]

Dave,

Check out some of the SA sights/boards. I had SA really bad at one time. I'm not 100% better, but pretty near.

Everyone has SA to some degree. Some severe where they can't leave the house, aome just really nervous in public.

The boards will help.

 

[squirrels]

"Social Anxiety Disorder"

I love the way they slap labels on stuff to make it more socially acceptable...and to sell Zoloft.

For every one person who needs it, there are about 100 that don't and take it anyway cuz it's the easy way out.

Make sure you've addressed all the things you CAN address first, before you go seeking "professional help." I've talked to you and I don't believe you're that far gone.

I used to feel like I had SAD, but my improvement has been immense, especially lately. You have to get over yourself. Stop putting other people in the position to judge you and define your OWN sense of self-worth.

I still have an edge of it, but not to the point where I need meds. They probably could help, but then again all these SSRIs tend to make your pen!s malfunction.

Lose the drama, get over yourself, and try again.

 

[happyhourhero]

Hey dude, i feel you here. I used to be the same way, pretty suave around my friends or maybe 1 or 2 people i didn't know but just a wreck in front of a group of people. But the main thing i learned is when you are with a group it all comes down to your beliefs. If you think your going to embarass yourself you probably will, if you think you are the **** you mostly likely will be. In my expereince, two people could say the same thing (a joke, a comment, whatever) but people will laugh, agree with the confident person who thinks what they have to say is truly important, and the one who is all worried about what they are saying will get blank stares, feel embarassed or maybe not even be heard. So believe what you have to say is important and be a little detached from how others react and you'll come around.

one way to improve is to do it in steps. For a while when you are in groups just listen and plan on not talking at all (this way you won't get nervous and you can get some of that negative programming out that makes you feel anxiety with a group) Then the next time maybe agree with something someone said every now and then ("ya i'm with you on that one" , or "hey i feel the same way about (insert topic here)") Work on that for a while, then the next time your in a group give your own feelings or input on the subject at hand. Then the next time maybe try to throw a little humor in. I think you see where i'm going, just take baby steps so your overcoming a smaller fear, then the next time you're dealing with a little more fear, and on and on so this way you're not just jumping in the deep end. This worked for me, also if you do screw up don't take it to heart, learn from it and then focus on the positives (i.e. that you are trying and you will improve)

Good Luck

 

[Reto]

The above are good posts. I delt with it with out drugs. Proper nutrition and exercise does wonders.

Yeah, do it in step. Not too big of steps.

Worse thing to do is avoid situations that make you nervous/anxious. You need to ID these situations and get into them as much as possible. Basically to de-sensitize your self.

 

[happyhourhero]

Definitely expose yourself to these situations whenever you can like said above. It's hard at first, but overcoming this will do soooooo sooo soo much for you confidence.

A couple other little tricks i picked up along the way. When you are in the situation that makes you anxious pretend, or sort of visualize that you are standing behind yourself looking over your own shoulder and observing what you are doing/saying from your viewpoint behind yourself (hope that makes sense)

Or pretend everyone is actors including yourself and it is just a scene for a movie you are doing Or pretend you are someone famous who acts in the manner you would like to act in

These are just a couple things i think i picked up from an NLP book but they do work for me. I don't know if they just help get your mind thinking about something other than being nervous or if its something else but in my experience they work well

Give em a shot

 

[Waking Up]

I've done the "actors mentality" created by own facade and it worked for a while, entertained groups kept the laughter going. Problem with this is that I eventually forgot who I "really was" and now I'm dealing with the repercussions.