Social Anxiety disorder and being socially inept

[Boricua_33015]

im supposed to have "Social Anxiety Disorder". If you tell me "just stop being nervous and let everything come natural to you, well I would say back to you "easier said than done".

I really dont know the real reason why I get nervous or why my mind blanks out or why I dont know what to say or why I dont know what I dont know. But I do THINK that it is caused by me not having social skills.

Because I am severely socially inept. Girls tell me that when they first laid their eyes on me that I looked alot older than I actually am but when I open my mouth its a whole different story. I get so nervous that my body language though comes off as immature or little kid like..... like I have done every body movement for the first time in my life. I dont have any nervous habits thought but I do get tense and I clench my teeth and grind them and sometimes I do twitch. When i sit down in a chair, its like its the first time I have ever sat down in my chair. My body movements are sometimes really fast or sometimes really slow like lacking rhythm. Is that what I really need for controlled body movements? RHYTHM?

I am just not good at all at conversing about stuff. When I have something in my mind that is interesting, I want to talk about it, but I dont know exactly how to contribute it to the conversation.... I really dont know, maybe I have ADD or something. WHen I talk I end up going nowhere. I like have no points in what Im trying to say. SO this REALLY contribute to my shyness and anxiety and nervousness.

It really shows in my threads too, it is the main reason why I write so much about unimportant stuff. They do contribute to the subject, but I go on and on about it and am really going nowhere with it. I dont know what exactly I want to say. The only thing I can do verbally is humor people, or talk when its necessary like when I need something from someone or when someone needs something from me. I dont know how to "fluff" talk, or make small talk. I know what subjects to bring about, but I dont know HOW would I go about bringing it into a conversation or making it into a conversation. Plus, almost all my thoughts are internal, as if I am just describing stuff...... man really I dont fvcking know man I can feel my eyes starting to get a little wet because this is frustrating man ive dealt with this painfully shy bullsh*t all my damn life and never over came it. FOr everyone it is so damn easy to make conversation, and sh*t for me I cant even make conversation with my parents!!!!!!!!

dammit Ive been going to psychologists for the past 8 years, have tried 2 different fvcking pills for depression or social anxiety disorders and have now given up on everything because I just cant overcome this! It is driving me fvcking crazy!!

dammit, f*ck this I dont even know what point im trying to make in this post.......

 

[MetalFortress]

One, why did post the same thing twice??

Two, have you ever heard the phrase PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT? You need to apply this to conversation too. Let yourself screw up once in awhile. Let yourself sound nervous. Conversation doesn't come easy for everyone, but practice is the key to perfection. Failure is the key to success.

And SAD is just some snake oil made up by a doctor who wanted to make a quick buck off of a batch of pills. Social Anxiety Disorder is just shyness magnified. You can't break shyness without trying and failing a few times. The more you try, the faster you will succeed.

 

[Ronny_Neumonic II]

Fúck that I don't make conversation with my rents either...I mean, I'm not exactly able to relate to them at this stage of my life. You seem to want to "force" conversations as opposed to letting them happen naturally. Also, you seem VERY hung up on what people have said to you in the past...I mean who cares? That was in the past...can you change that it happened? NO...so just stop thinking about it. I know how you feel though, cause sometimes when I feel down, memories from other times when I felt like crap come back - but the important thing here is that I don't let them get to me.

Also you shouldn't go out with a conversation topic in your head. I think the best way I saw was a tip in the DJ bible. Went along the lines of examine your subject for a few seconds and think about what it would be like to be in their shoes. His example was he went to a bar and saw that the bartender was run off his feet. When some of the crowd had died down, he went said to the bartender "Whoa is it always this crazy in here?", and bam he had a conversation. He coulda gone anyehere from this, like making a joke - "the pay must be good though, eh?" (said with a smile so you don't just look like an arrogant prick)...


Just try it man. I used to be like you were - I *thought* that I was just unable to make convo with anyone. But believe me once you start *trying* you will really notice a difference in your attitude as far as things like "small talk" are concerned. Now I think it's no big deal, just a day to day thing. I'm not the worlds most confident man or anything like that, but this was one of the main things which I had to get out of the way if I was to really start growing up, and I'm still improving today.

 

[Boricua_33015]

fvck! Look DJ IronGirevik, I understand that it isnt really a disorder. But you have said "fail a few times". This isnt a few man this has been going on my whole fvcking life, I do take alot of risks everyday talking to people trying to make practice. You cant really get practice by failing everytime.

I have always been a person with almost no social life. I currently don't have one. I DID, but everyone just grew to feel sorry for me. Its not even that I told my whole life story to them, its that just when I talk everyone senses that I am stupid or airheaded or something when Im really fvcking not! I am a genius when it comes to math, I have a 130 IQ I am good when it comes to book smarts but I JUST CANT CONNECT WITH POEPLE. Am I on another level or something?

Does it have to do with me not watching TV. Seriously I do not watch TV. I only watch about 3 to 4 hours a week of TV, maybe less. The rest of the time I spend I workout, read, read, read, read, read books, and read websites on the internet like this to try to improve myself.

Your saying "then go and make some freinds". Well I have made freinds before in my life but all, ALL of them grew up to start feeling sorry for me, taking advantage of me, using me as their verbal punching bag when they are mad, or just being bad freinds. Maybe thats why I got into so many fights because I never got along with poeple, and I continue to do so. People keep treating me like sh*t, I am like a target for people, once they get past my intimidating look. I do tell them to stop but they dont take me seriously until I freaking bash their head open and then they get the message but they still will have this bad impression of me that I am a dumb person who doesnt know how to communicate with people......

I am just so confused right now my stomach is starting to hurt and so is my head. I feel like crying but I cant bring myself to cry I keep holding everything in. Im losing it......

 

[Boricua_33015]

yes! Ronny_Neumonic II i remember that post. It was from Mr. Fingers get rid of the social phobias, something like that.

It said something about pacing with people and putting yourself in their shoes. But sometimes my nervousness gets in the way and I try to do that but it takes a while to think of something to talk about and then the oppurtunity is gone.

Ronny your also rite on the nail where you say that it sounds like I am trying to FORCE conversation instead of letting it happen naturally. I dont know why but I have this thing where I think if I dont say something that people will think im shy and that translates to them thinking im a ***** because I cant talk to people.

Ok, thats said, but what about when I dont try to force conversation. Well then I can go quiet for 24 hours that day as if I was giving the world the silent treatment.

Nobody really makes conversation with me unless I show interest or say something to make them feel more relaxed. When conversation does happen naturall, like the guy or girl next to me wants to make some random conversation, I find it hard to connect with the person and I am just plaing and boring, no SPICE added to what I say. My responses are just plain and simple and to the point, nothing else that would bring about another subject no humor no anything. Only humor I have is spontaneous, when ive been quiet for sometime and soemthing in the environment is happened and I just spontaneously make a funny ass comment about it......... im getting lost in my own thoughts.....i need days of intense thinking and self therapy to clear my mind

 

[PiHiPlaya]

Originally posted by Boricua_33015
fvck! Look DJ IronGirevik, I understand that it isnt really a disorder.

1. But you have said "fail a few times". This isnt a few man this has been going on my whole fvcking life, I do take alot of risks everyday talking to people trying to make practice.

2. You cant really get practice by failing everytime.

1. Your Whole ****ing life of failing a few times, you haven't had sosuave.com read then do. Listen to inspirational music, eat a good meal, listen to some good comedy, read an inspirational post... feel good about it then do it

2. You CAN get practice by failing everytime IF You learn from your mistakes. You know what you do wrong, now the next few times you go out consciously try to correct one or two things. DON'T focus on being instantly smoothe... just fix one thing at a time. Baby Steps

There is always out of school friends... plus if you are in Miami, get a Fake ID and make some college drinking buddies!

EDIT: But Don't cry out your emotions to any new made friends... act like you're always fine. They won't take advantage of em

 

[Ronny_Neumonic II]

yeah pihi has some good tips there. Listen to inspirational music. Download some comedy from ***** - search for the thread about comedians on the anything else forum. Listen to their jokes and you will soon soak up some of this and have it ready to use - I stress, try not to copy what the comedian says, but just get a general feel for making people laugh.

Also, if you wanna talk about your feelings etc, then get a sex change cause that for chicks. ALWAYS act positive. Even if you're having a bad day, and you feel terrible - keep upbeat. Anyone asks you if something is wrong, as Giovanni Cassanova(the poster) once said, "It's nothing I can't handle". People don't want to have convo's with people they hardly know about these things, it just makes people uncomfortable, however no point in going on about this cause i think you've already learned your lesson about this.

Also, before you try to have GREAT convos where you get on really well with the other person etc, you might want to start having crap conversations first. Build your way up. So what if you get blanked by someone, or you sound shaky or whatever, talk about whatever you want and remember that even if you do screw up it's not like this person is going to run and tell everyone. Once you get comfortable around strangers in general, then the natural outgoing you, which you keep trapped inside, will come out!

 

[darkmenace]

hey boricua,
listen i had that problem for about 2 months during the school year, it was because I was going thru some things. What made it worse was that I kept coming to sosuave looking for a solution and never finding it. I was frustrated. My problem was that I felt that I couldnt connect with anyone at school, only at school.
It would frustrate me bigtime, luckily I had been going to a psychologist for a couple of months, I would constantly tell her what was going on, how I felt excluded in school, that I knew how to act but I never did it (c+f, arrogant, take no sh*t, just funloving).
She told me something that made me realize alot of things, it was real simple, she told me:

"Stop trying to demand perfection"

You could say alot of things clicked into place then. I was so frustrated in being a perfect DJ or a better social person that I forgot that not everything is gonna be perfect and that I should just see things as they are.

I would be like what you said, boricua. I would always think constantly of what to say, think what I was supposed to do, I would THINK TOO MUCH. I would only THINK without any action, and when I would think too much, I would constantly try to make things perfect.
I would lose myself in my thoughts. Then I realized, "wait up no one knows what the hell Im thinking, they cant judge me for that cuz they dont know what the hell im thinkin"
With me realizing this I went back to my normal self again. I got my socializing skills at school back and I stopped worrying so much about socializing or being a great social person.

So I say to you Boricua. Dont worry about all that socializing sh*t, dont think so much, do something productive than just sticking around this forum for days and days looking for an answer, the solution is in you. Dont try so hard on being perfect, no one is. If this has been going on all your life, then ITS TIME TO CHANGE. Dont isolate yourself, because thats what you been doing, isolating yourself mentally. No one can see your thoughts, so dont worry about what people are gonna say about you. Dont try to always connect with people, let people connect to you and to what you gotta say. STEP OUT OF THAT BOX you've had all your life, and enjoy that your alive. Go out there and do something you wanna do.
Solo vive, mijo. Just live kid, we only got one. Dont spend it worrying about how your social skills arent equal to what a DJ is "supposed to have them". Naw f*ck that, do your sh*t and what you gotta do.
c'mon dogg, your young, latino, and you live in Miami. It doesnt get better than that. Enjoy the beautiful things in life and just live it.

take care of yourself and good luck

 

[Sammo]

Nice posts ronny.

I have been reading your threads for a while boricua and I have recieved a strange sence of de ja vu. At first i couldnt pin point where all this was coming from, now its hit me, that was me!!

I totally know what your feeling man, its not good i hate that kind of ****! It seems so complicated, doesnt it? It used to be that way for me, i remember trying to make my life organised and run smoothly and then i realised that impossible, you can't schedule your life, you can live it but you cant schedule it. You can take your life the way you want it but you cant say HOW you get there, you might have some choice in the matter but its limited.

Okay lets have an analogy, lets say i wanted to be a brain surgeon, sure i could get there if i worked hard enough but i cant get there by studying economics and commerce can I? No i have to do medicine and all that kind of crap.

In other words, dont beat around the bush.

Im getting side tracked now, but if what i just said doesnt make sense then i can promise you that it will in time, you just have to stick with it and not try to make everything organised. Get excited by mystery, i used to hate the feeling of not knowing whats going to happen next - now i live for that feeling.

Anyway, i too was like you, maybe worse (i had never kissed a girl but i had spent alot of money on them, i was an emotional wreck, i was nasty to my family, i was a ****en horrible person). Things changed:

Physical apperance:
I didnt like being the fat ****er that i was, i was being teased about it and i was depressed about it. I saved up for a gym membership, got a routine from someone in the H&F forum. started sprinting 4+ times a week, started going for walks up random hills shirtless(to get a tan), and i started eating healthy. Things have changed, not as much as i want them too so im going to stick with it, but i love it that i know im improving, GREAT feeling.

Social life:
I used to get teased by EVERYONE, but i still followed everyone and sucked up to the alpha's. **** changed, i snapped one day (like you) and went home and had a long think about it, i went and apoligised to the 2 friends that i had beaten up and they were cool about it. They are 2 of the best friends i have, learn to forgive people, dont expect anything from anyone, go solo. Walk around like you havent got a care in the world all you want to do is have some fun and relax then things become clearer. When people give you **** then come back with a good line but if you cant think of anything, no big deal its all in good fun just laugh it off with your friends. MAKE SURE you get the person back later with a funny joke that gets people laughing, or else they will make a habit of teasing you and thats what gets you into trouble in the first place.

If your nasty to your family then stop, they have given you everythjing you have, thank them for it by being nice to them, even your annoying siblings, family life becomes enjoyable once you do this.

Girls
I was so wrapped up in improving myself that i completely forgot the whole girl thing, and they came to me. FORGET about them and improve yourself. I planned on learning some techniques once i was emotionally healthy again, now i am emotionally healthy i still want to leave it a bit, there are other more important things to learn about.

Let me tell you this: Becoming happy with your social life is NOT complicated, leave the complication for school and your career, social life is not a complicated thing. Work on becoming emotionally healthy.

What i mean by becoming emotionally healthy (By DJ standards), is improving yourself consistently, being friendly consistently, controlling your ager, overcome shyness of talking to other people, learned to love yourself, have a cool set of friends.

Once you have those things down pat then you can work on more complicated thinigs, remember inch by inch is a sinch, yard by yard is hard.

 

[Boricua_33015]

thanks Sammo, and everyone else who posted good advice.

 

[MetalFortress]

-----fvck! Look DJ IronGirevik, I understand that it isnt really a disorder. But you have said "fail a few times". This isnt a few man this has been going on my whole fvcking life, I do take alot of risks everyday talking to people trying to make practice. You cant really get practice by failing everytime.-----

You don't take anywhere near the risks you should be taking then, in my opinion. All you do is the equivalent of spending 5 years doing curls with 20 pound dumbbells. You have to INCREASE THE WEIGHT. As such, you have to increase the risk. If you are having a conversation than you aren't failing every single time. But the more you converse the more practice you get, and the more you learn from your mistakes.

-----I have always been a person with almost no social life. I currently don't have one. I DID, but everyone just grew to feel sorry for me. Its not even that I told my whole life story to them, its that just when I talk everyone senses that I am stupid or airheaded or something when Im really fvcking not! I am a genius when it comes to math, I have a 130 IQ I am good when it comes to book smarts but I JUST CANT CONNECT WITH POEPLE. Am I on another level or something?-----

Classic case. Booksmarts are overdeveloped, but people smarts haven't caught up yet. That sounds like me in middle school.

-----Does it have to do with me not watching TV. Seriously I do not watch TV. I only watch about 3 to 4 hours a week of TV, maybe less. The rest of the time I spend I workout, read, read, read, read, read books, and read websites on the internet like this to try to improve myself.-----

All the reading in the world will do NO FREAKING GOOD if you don't put it to use. Hell, download AIM and chat with a ton of people for practice; at least put it to SOME use!

-----Your saying "then go and make some freinds". Well I have made freinds before in my life but all, ALL of them grew up to start feeling sorry for me, taking advantage of me, using me as their verbal punching bag when they are mad, or just being bad freinds. Maybe thats why I got into so many fights because I never got along with poeple, and I continue to do so. People keep treating me like sh*t, I am like a target for people, once they get past my intimidating look. I do tell them to stop but they dont take me seriously until I freaking bash their head open and then they get the message but they still will have this bad impression of me that I am a dumb person who doesnt know how to communicate with people......-----

Is it any WONDER that they do this? All you do is whine about how bad you have it. Socially, you ARE dumb. That's why when you fail you have to look at what you screwed up and fix it.

-----I am just so confused right now my stomach is starting to hurt and so is my head. I feel like crying but I cant bring myself to cry I keep holding everything in. Im losing it......-----

Go ahead and cry. The worst thing you can do is hold it in, because that will end up with you getting even more depressed and being even more withdrawn than you already are. Stop digging yourself into this hole and start digging out of it.

 

[Boricua_33015]

You don't take anywhere near the risks you should be taking then, in my opinion. All you do is the equivalent of spending 5 years doing curls with 20 pound dumbbells. You have to INCREASE THE WEIGHT. As such, you have to increase the risk. If you are having a conversation than you aren't failing every single time. But the more you converse the more practice you get, and the more you learn from your mistakes.

Yea, I noticed that if I exceed my comfort zone I will be less anxious in future communications with people for the remainder of the day. The problem is, I always wake up in the morning extremely shy again and I have to start all over again throughout the beginning of the day taking the same risks so my anxiety level will go down for the rest of the day. Its like I build myself up in the beginning of the day so I can go through the rest of the day. Sometimes I can have just a day where I dont say one word. SOmetimes I would fvck up real bad in the begginning of the day and my confidence level drops and stays at ground level for the rest of the day.

Whatever, Ive been working on my SAD for the past 3 years, and I can say that it has actually worsened. The more conscious I become of the things I do, the more I mess up, the more shyer I get, the more anxious I get, and thats how it has gotten worse during the past 3 years.

 

[5green]

I also have social anxiety disorder. It is a lot harder then you think of those of you who do not have this. I'm sort of a hermet. I really dislike the Media / pop culture never wacthign TV except for family guy and futurerama. I have also toom pills but they made me lose 20 pounds fast and made me constantly tired. I guess there is two types of SAD disorder. The type where the person is always mad and pissed over not being able to talk and the one who is depressed over this. I have not made freinds for a while becuase I get pissed a lot when they start a freindly conversation and I barely carry it out. Plus the fact that my voice if in a higher pich in nervious times. I know what your going though. It seems docters are just piles that talk and take your money and pills...........I just cannot rely on them. I just accecpt who I am. I try to get the message by that I hate talking and do not wana be freinds just mind your own danm bussiness. But with meeting girls It's a real bad thing. It seems they are no women and just want sex and no talking and flirting and blah.Anyways I'll tell you things that kinda helped me. Coffe and caffine always keeps me alive and talking more.Also intense physical conditioning.Ever sense I got SAD disorder (middle of 7th grade) i've been very involed in my physical condiontion , and this brings a lot more self esteem. Go to the gym 2 hours a day (I usally split the time 1 hr morning 1 evening different type of conditioning) and all the hard work will pay results. I mean having SAD disorder automaticly people think you a sensitive guy who is perfect for getting used and making you anything but an alpha male . But sadly now days the alpha male is based on words and popularity. Please ignore everything I said half way thought It's late and I say strange things. Anyways Good luck with it.

 

[Ronny_Neumonic II]

Originally posted by 5green
I also have social anxiety disorder. It is a lot harder then you think of those of you who do not have this. I'm sort of a hermet. I really dislike the Media / pop culture never wacthign TV except for family guy and futurerama. I have also toom pills but they made me lose 20 pounds fast and made me constantly tired. I guess there is two types of SAD disorder. The type where the person is always mad and pissed over not being able to talk and the one who is depressed over this. I have not made freinds for a while becuase I get pissed a lot when they start a freindly conversation and I barely carry it out. Plus the fact that my voice if in a higher pich in nervious times. I know what your going though. It seems docters are just piles that talk and take your money and pills...........I just cannot rely on them. I just accecpt who I am. I try to get the message by that I hate talking and do not wana be freinds just mind your own danm bussiness. But with meeting girls It's a real bad thing. It seems they are no women and just want sex and no talking and flirting and blah.Anyways I'll tell you things that kinda helped me. Coffe and caffine always keeps me alive and talking more.Also intense physical conditioning.Ever sense I got SAD disorder (middle of 7th grade) i've been very involed in my physical condiontion , and this brings a lot more self esteem. Go to the gym 2 hours a day (I usally split the time 1 hr morning 1 evening different type of conditioning) and all the hard work will pay results. I mean having SAD disorder automaticly people think you a sensitive guy who is perfect for getting used and making you anything but an alpha male . But sadly now days the alpha male is based on words and popularity. Please ignore everything I said half way thought It's late and I say strange things. Anyways Good luck with it.

Yeah clap clap you goddamn AFC ITS ALL IN YOUR HEAD. Do you want us to feel sorry for you or sumthing? You're just really shy and don't have the balls to do anything about it...

 

[5green]

I have gotten over it. and it's not in your head , i'm a logical person down to earth . And do not call me a coward you son of a bicth I have done things you have never even thought of doing. I posted to tell this guy who has it to kinda help him. And please tell me what a AFC in a private message. And dont tell me what in my head and whats not I have every goddanm fact and reality checks in my head . And I do not want peple to feel sorry for me I despise that greatly and never tell anybody I have this unless someone also has this to help him out. Beliave me I hate pills , modivational videos and books I think there for wusses and do not use them, But you cannot live this world being shy It will screw you and make it your bicth , And dear god never tell anybody you have this **** or you will get stomped on by all types of people. Sorry If I flamed oh yeah and never turn to drugs or drinking , only weak folks get rid of there problems with drugs and drinking. you can make fun of my name 5green it is the worse one I ever thought of...................does not even make sense

 

[Ronny_Neumonic II]

Originally posted by 5green
. And do not call me a coward you son of a bicth I have done things you have never even thought of doing.

lmao SUCH AS...??


The rest of your post was quite hard to understand. It's not in your head because you *THINK* that you are down to earth? (you son of a bicth???) LMFAO

 

[Solja J]

Heyy man the problem is that you're thinking the wrong way. Stop thinking you cant do it and start believing in yourself. Thats where success starts man. When MJ failed I'm pretty sure he didn't have a No I cant Attitude. No, he got back up and he fough failure. In order to get up you must first be knocked down again and again. Until one day you tell yourself that you've had enough. Stop listening to the quack doctors and just believe in yourself!

-Take it from someone who has been down before!

 

[Solja J]

Expanding Your Comfort Zne

1.Value sucess over entertainment
2. Set goals that challenge you
3. Develop a feeling of certainty that sucess is inevitable
4. Make it a habit to do the thing that is hard to do
5. Feel the fear and do it anyway
6. Learn to turn frustration into fascination
7. Eliminate the word try from your vocabulary
8. Strike procrastination from your life's game plan
9. Use the pain and pleasure princuple to work for you

Fake it until you make it!

Stupid Questions to avoid
Why does it always happen to me?
Whats the use?
Why does everyone dislike me?

Power Questions
What have I learned?
How must I change to get the results I want?
What can I do to get people to like me?

 

[Beatflux]

Here is a REAL solution

Hey man, I can really relate to you. When I was about half way through the school year I started to develop an anxiety. It built up to a point where it was really bad. Just getting up from my desk and throwing something away was extremely difficult beucase of the anxiety. I went to the school counsoler in hopes of getting some help to relieve the anxiety. We spoke about it and I told him I thought I had social anxiety. I was pretty fed up with it. I thought the only solution was to go see a therapist.

Until...one night I was surfing the net for any answer to my anxiety. I didn't really find anything useful until I came upon the holosync solution. One of the initial promises was that it would "Create remarkable improvements in your mental and emotional health - even in areas that have stubbornly resisted change with other approaches..." Even though I had no Idea what this was and how it did it I was pretty excited. I found out that in order to bring this changes you had to meditate or listen to these soundtracks for an hour a day and that was it. Besides my inital interesting of relieving my anxiety I was interested in how changes could be brought about through just listening to soundtracks. I could try to explain it but that would take up pages and you may not wish to read all of it.

Whenever you feel anxious is a time when your initial threshold is being challenged. Everybody has a threshold at which they can handle input from their environment and from themselves. Everybody has a different level of threshold. Yours must be lower than normal. If you were to raise that threshold you would be able to handle input you were not able to handle previously. The holosynce solution will help you to raise that threshold.


After listening to the soundtrack for about 4 months I felt A LOT better. My anxiety was finally at a managable level which I am very glad for. I actually liked listening to the soundtracks becuase it created neurochemicals which are very pleasurable. Sometimes it seemed as if only five minutes have past when actually one hour had. Good luck to you.

Please take a look at the holosync solution at www.centerpointe.com

 

[iqqi]

boricua, how old are you? what do you look like? did you live your whole life there? if so, do you have any real friends?