so my gf says to me...

[strey]

that all men are scared little boys, and the only "men" are the ones who are married. guess what? taaa daaaa..... she wants to get married:nervous: . we have been together for one year and live together. i love the girl, but we dont agree on anything. she told me she wants to be engaged by xmas, and have kids within 2 years . this is her "life plan". ha!!! i dont even have a damn job!!!! and when we fight, i usually leave coz i hate arguing, coz its always about "our" future and disagreements. thats when she says that im a coward and less of a man by not wanting to do what she wants. and i have read this forum through and through, and i read that being a man is standing by your commitments and not running away from them, but at this point, running is the best choice.

and its always amazing how in the beginning, when you meet a girl, she is always cool as ****, but then it slowly winds down....

 

[BobMo']

"she says that im a coward and less of a man by not wanting to do what she wants."

This is an ultimatum, and you should let her know that you don't give in to threats. In fact, it's a particularly twisted form of ultimatum - an attempt to make you think you're less of a man by not giving in to a threat (loss of access to her *****).

think what the rest of your life would be like with this person.

 

[Hooligan Harry]

Then stop wasting her time and your time and move on. If you dont share the same goals I dont quite see the reason why you would continue the relationship. It means you are at different stages in your life.

 

[Colossus]

that all men are scared little boys, and the only "men" are the ones who are married. guess what? taaa daaaa..... she wants to get married:nervous: . we have been together for one year and live together. i love the girl, but we dont agree on anything. she told me she wants to be engaged by xmas, and have kids within 2 years . this is her "life plan". ha!!! i dont even have a damn job!!!! and when we fight, i usually leave coz i hate arguing, coz its always about "our" future and disagreements. thats when she says that im a coward and less of a man by not wanting to do what she wants. and i have read this forum through and through, and i read that being a man is standing by your commitments and not running away from them, but at this point, running is the best choice.

and its always amazing how in the beginning, when you meet a girl, she is always cool as ****, but then it slowly winds down....

Holy dog sh!t dude, she called you a coward for not agreeing with HER life plans? I would throw that b!tch out the door so fast she wouldn't even have time to put her shoes on.

This has nothing to do with "commitments". Are you married now? Have you proposed to her? Do you have children with her? You owe her nothing. Drop her IMMEDIATELY.

Oh, right...you live with her. Now your problem is significantly more complicated.

 

[Bible_Belt]

When she starts any of that, I recommend the useful phrase:

'There's the door, b!tch. If you don't like it, get the fvck out.'

 

[amoka]

Are you all not reading well? The guy can't kick this girl out because, yeah HE "does not have a job" to support himself. That is what happens when you depend on a woman.

 

[Da Realist]

She's basically telling you she wants to marry you, but doesn't want you to act like a weak man. It's a wierd and childish way of doing it, but that's what it is. Hearing about how you walk away made me think of the times I would just leave during an arguement and it got to be my normal way of reacting. Thinking back now and what an older lady who has her stuff together told me, no woman wants to be just left standing there in the cold. Sure walking out helps, but play it too much and it seems more like you're just walking away from your problems instead of being able to face them. Next time you get into an arguement, don't give into her ultimatum but don't walk away either. In effect, you have to do what pimps call breaking a byitch; I'm not calling your girl one, but the that's the term. Now don't start screaming at her and act like you're about to knock her out since you're not a pimp and she isn't a ho, but get down to the point as much as possible. See at the heart of every argument over petty crap she really wants some indication you're planning on marrying her. Stay cool the whole time and when it gets down to the marriage talk, break it down for her how it's going to be. If you're planning on marrying her, tell her she's going by your plan, tell her how it is going to be, and don't walk out after you put her in place. If you don't plan on marrying her, get that straight too. Now if it's still that you're not sure, tell her you like her being around and she is an important part of your life, but that you're trying to see everything she has to offer before putting the ring on her finger. Don't for once give her an excuse that you can't get her the ring she wants, you don't have a job, or that you're scared of making a big decision like this. You're the man: you don't get to make excuses. But whatever you're deciding to do, don't walk away period, don't give in to childish threats, and determine you're going to be the one secure about the future of the relationship. She'll test you afterwards to see if this wasn't a fluke, but stand your ground. And do not forget that if you are deciding to marry that girl and say getting a job is part of that plan, you better hit the streets and do everything you can to find one. Follow your words with actions so you won't need more words later. Again, this girl wants you in a major way but wants some direction more than anything: give it to her.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Classic shaming technique, and from what I can gather from your post, she thoroughly controls the frame - or at least believes she does due to your own inability to seize it that she's comfortable in issuing overt ultimatums that you concede to her frame long term. This of course now casts any future relationship in her frame. NEXT.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Classic shaming technique


My bpd ex loved that one. To her, being "a man" was paying all of her bills and adopting her three kids from two different crazy guys.

 

[game.r]

She's basically telling you she wants to marry you, but doesn't want you to act like a weak man. It's a wierd and childish way of doing it, but that's what it is. Hearing about how you walk away made me think of the times I would just leave during an arguement and it got to be my normal way of reacting. Thinking back now and what an older lady who has her stuff together told me, no woman wants to be just left standing there in the cold. Sure walking out helps, but play it too much and it seems more like you're just walking away from your problems instead of being able to face them. Next time you get into an arguement, don't give into her ultimatum but don't walk away either. In effect, you have to do what pimps call breaking a byitch; I'm not calling your girl one, but the that's the term. Now don't start screaming at her and act like you're about to knock her out since you're not a pimp and she isn't a ho, but get down to the point as much as possible. See at the heart of every argument over petty crap she really wants some indication you're planning on marrying her. Stay cool the whole time and when it gets down to the marriage talk, break it down for her how it's going to be. If you're planning on marrying her, tell her she's going by your plan, tell her how it is going to be, and don't walk out after you put her in place. If you don't plan on marrying her, get that straight too. Now if it's still that you're not sure, tell her you like her being around and she is an important part of your life, but that you're trying to see everything she has to offer before putting the ring on her finger. Don't for once give her an excuse that you can't get her the ring she wants, you don't have a job, or that you're scared of making a big decision like this. You're the man: you don't get to make excuses. But whatever you're deciding to do, don't walk away period, don't give in to childish threats, and determine you're going to be the one secure about the future of the relationship. She'll test you afterwards to see if this wasn't a fluke, but stand your ground. And do not forget that if you are deciding to marry that girl and say getting a job is part of that plan, you better hit the streets and do everything you can to find one. Follow your words with actions so you won't need more words later. Again, this girl wants you in a major way but wants some direction more than anything: give it to her.

Lot of good stuff here...

If only you could find the enter key... you know, make it easier to read

 

[game.r]

She's basically telling you she wants to marry you, but doesn't want you to act like a weak man. It's a wierd and childish way of doing it, but that's what it is.

Hearing about how you walk away made me think of the times I would just leave during an arguement and it got to be my normal way of reacting. Thinking back now and what an older lady who has her stuff together told me, no woman wants to be just left standing there in the cold. Sure walking out helps, but play it too much and it seems more like you're just walking away from your problems instead of being able to face them.

Next time you get into an arguement, don't give into her ultimatum but don't walk away either. In effect, you have to do what pimps call breaking a byitch; I'm not calling your girl one, but the that's the term. Now don't start screaming at her and act like you're about to knock her out since you're not a pimp and she isn't a ho, but get down to the point as much as possible.

See at the heart of every argument over petty crap she really wants some indication you're planning on marrying her. Stay cool the whole time and when it gets down to the marriage talk, break it down for her how it's going to be. If you're planning on marrying her, tell her she's going by your plan, tell her how it is going to be, and don't walk out after you put her in place. If you don't plan on marrying her, get that straight too.

Now if it's still that you're not sure, tell her you like her being around and she is an important part of your life, but that you're trying to see everything she has to offer before putting the ring on her finger. Don't for once give her an excuse that you can't get her the ring she wants, you don't have a job, or that you're scared of making a big decision like this. You're the man: you don't get to make excuses.

But whatever you're deciding to do, don't walk away period, don't give in to childish threats, and determine you're going to be the one secure about the future of the relationship. She'll test you afterwards to see if this wasn't a fluke, but stand your ground. And do not forget that if you are deciding to marry that girl and say getting a job is part of that plan, you better hit the streets and do everything you can to find one. Follow your words with actions so you won't need more words later.

Again, this girl wants you in a major way but wants some direction more than anything: give it to her.

I like what this guys has to say on this... It was just very hard on the eyes so i fixed it.

Everyone is quick to say next, but maybe its just this guy not being alpha in the relationship. In every relationship you will be tested, its up to you to control the frame... so that she's behaving in a way that meets the expectations you have in your relationship. If after laying down your rules she still doesn't fall in line then get out.

 

[Sinistar]

Classic shaming technique, and from what I can gather from your post, she thoroughly controls the frame - or at least believes she does due to your own inability to seize it that she's comfortable in issuing overt ultimatums that you concede to her frame long term. This of course now casts any future relationship in her frame. NEXT.

+ She's just made her first covert move in the game of which woman are natural masters. She just "opened" with a move that eventually allows her to swing and/or bail without overwhelming emotional stress. She can say she brought up the topic and you did nothing about it. She can pin it on your not working or you not moving the relationship farther ahead first (ie engagement). A excellent defensive position for a creature that does not do well being direct/overt. I can almost assure you that this is how it will play out. In a way, there's not much you can do about it where she stays in the picture and you own the frame.

From your post, without a job and not wanting to move towards a more serious LTR I can't really blame her for initiating this set of actions right about now. Just think there are countless AFC's out there allowing themselves to be tooled around by women who aren't interested in LTR's with them so it's not much different on the other side either. You just weren't meant to be with this women in a LTR, actually you are pretty much hardwired for just the opposite. Going against that wiring takes a heck of a woman, independence, maturity, confidence, etc.

If I truly believed her conversation was totally logically thought through and carried out I'd be the first to call her mean or wicked or evil or insert name here. But it's not, that conversation was a natural response to expectations, emotions and feelings building up and not being met (insecurity / security).

Move forward with your life (without her). Get working again. Kill off the LTR mindset. Live only in your frame.

or

You could go out and take any job to make her happy. Ask her to marry you to make her happy. And spend a life together to make her happy.

Your choice dude, time to do man sh!t and make decisions.

 

[sodbuster]

get a job and say goodbye-she'll be hell to be married to. Especially when she can take half and deny you the rights to see your kids.

 

[scrouds]

Here's the question.... Does she have signifigantly more assetss then you?

If so, move to a sex blind alimony state, marry and divorce her and YOU take 1/2.

 

[Warrior74]

Da Realist gave a nice point of view on it.

The question is. What do you want? Do you want to marry her? Just date her? Do you even know what you want out of life? Why don't you have a job? What is your passion in life? Where are you going and what are you doing? These are way more important than her or marriage. Until you know yourself, master yourself and move yourself in the right direction there is no point in considering anything serious with any woman. It will only derail you and blow you off course. Look up in 20 years and wonder where your life went wrong.

You are the weak, and she is the tyranny of evil men. (sorry pulp fiction was on the other night). You have no job and live with her, so you my friend are her girlfriend. You need to get with the program or she may give you the boot. This is the mentality here. She's got you (and she knows it), but if you want to keep her you better get on her life plan. That's the sort of "manipulation" guys have a gut knee jerk reaction against. But if you were handling your business (not living with a woman and being jobless) you wouldn't be in the the position to be "manipulated".

If you aren't interested in marriage, you need to move out. It's not going to get better, it's only gonna get worse.

BTW I love the doublethink women use. Your not a real man unless you care to castrate yourself for me. Give me your balls and I'll call you a man instead of actually being a man and letting me call you a chump. It's like every day is opposite day with them!

 

[Zunder]

OP.
Before I talk about your woman....

You are still a young man.

Life experience is what you need.

You do sound a bit of a whimp and a semi-loser. Not a total loser because
you have shown intelligence by coming to this board for advice. Most of us have been some sort of "losers" in our time - so no big deal.

Unlike a lot of guys on this board, I don't think having a job, or a career in the Americanised sense matters a jot. You may not be able to hook up with the hot corporate cvnt types, or HB10's with an ego to match, but who really wants those b!tches? You can score some fine ass - and still not be a corporate jock. I offer up Roosh as a strong example.

Pack bag - do travel. Explore other cultures, other women, interact in their social environs......... you ane "oneitised" to this woman, and you say you "love" her, but what you really love is the idea of what you would like her to become. You could spend years working at changing her from the undoubted controlling b1tch that she is.

This, by the way, does not mean she is a bad person ..... she is behaving in the way she believes she should. Probably egged on ubeknowningst to you by her cvnty little girlfriends, and watched hairy ampitted anti-men shows on tv & at the movies, that profilerate these days.

I am not religous, but the oft quoted Jesus comes to mind "Forgive them lord for they not know what they doing".

But first - you need to leave your living acccommodation with her. Find somewhere to bunk with a good buddy for a while until you get some sort of a job...for unless you plan to go around picking up ciggarette butts the rest of your life...everyone needs some money.

Then, once you have enough saved - buy that air ticket and get the fvck out. Tell her you are going on a journey of discovery and "I'll see you in six months, a year....whatever".

Once you come back, a more educated, wise, and having dated and fvcked (take plenty of condomns) various foreign girls, then ask yourself "did I make the right choice in not marrying her".

If your answer is not "yes" by that stage (and you will question yourself all the time...that's natural - don't sweat it) then I will eat my hat.

And, I say again - you are 28! A fvcking kid still! Live some life.

 

[jophil28]

Without a source of income, your ability to make choices is severely limited.
IF I were you I would take any job to get out of your rut - self suffiency is the essential first step..

 

[jophil28]

Unlike a lot of guys on this board, I don't think having a job, or a career in the Americanised sense matters a jot.

Pack bag - do travel. Explore other cultures, other women, interact in their social environs.........

.

'Wisdom' from across the moat..

Sheesh, some of you Kiwis crack me up.
How the F does he travel without money ? He doesn't even have cab fare to the airport !
TO the OP , " Y'all better get yoself one of them "americanised" jobs, ya hear ?

 

[Zunder]

'Wisdom' from across the moat..

Sheesh, some of you Kiwis crack me up.
How the F does he travel without money ? He doesn't even have cab fare to the airport !
TO the OP , " Y'all better get yoself one of them "americanised" jobs, ya hear ?

Read my post again.
I do tell him to get a job.

I knows it's hard for Aussies to read. Takes a iq higher than room temp.

Hows the dancing?

 

[Ganondorf]

I won't repeat what the others said

But I will say that if you and her do not share the same life goals, then maybe it's best to rethink your relationship.

to me she sounds like she's rushing to get married to nowhere. you've only been together for a year, and she wants to be engaged by xmas and move straight on to having kids? Where's the fvcking fire?! lol

I'm not saying to break up with her, but you should really think about what it is you want out of life. If you don't want marriage, then why are you wife someone who does? You really do NEED a Job, because unless your gonna be a stay at home dad, Money is where most of your decisions will come from.

You need to sit your girl down and talk to her. I agree with Da Realist. If you want to get married, then Tell her that, but you are not gonna be rushing into it with her either.

Do you want to get married? if so, why? do you love her? or do you just love hr because she says that you do?

you need to do some real soul searching man