so, i went no contact.. (new member here!)

[chinaski]

ok, i'm new here, and there are a lot of inspiring threads in this forum. thanks in advance for all the support that the members of this community gave me without even knowing it!

here's the situation: i met this girl six months ago, she broke with her GF (7 years long) about one year ago, when i met her it was a light thing, a lot of sex and fun, some alcohol in the mix, we went together several dates, event a couple of little vacations in the summer.

she always told me that her last relation was painful and he was a psycho man, so high emotions here. i didn't get the hint and play the good guy for a while, i mean, normally i'm spinning plates and seeing two or three girls at the same time, but i wanted to relax and enjoy her company in the summer and maybe this was an error. keep in mind that i didn't go full afc, i just wanted to relax for a while without "gaming". i didn't tell her that i love her, i didn't gifted her something, i just spent time with here naturally, caring for her. note that the ex cheated on her multiple times and left her for another girl.

the sex in the first two months was awesome but then something happened. it just became bland and always the same, and scarce. i figured the ex was reappearing in the picture, and my instincts told me to get away. a month later she left me, saying that she was not ready for a relationship, that i was demonstrating too much, that i was treating her too well, that i'm an awesome person and i don't need to wait her to sort things out. i was shocked, we were at my place, i told her that i can't do nothing to make her forgot her ex, i told her that i was sorry that we were suffocating a potential relationship without even let the relationship express, i cried too. ok that was a little too much.

in the morning i drove her to her place and said good bye.
the following week there were almost not texts from my side, but the week after we set up a date. we eventually end at her place and she start talking about how the past relationship still hurt her, how she is depressed and she wants no one around her, even close relatives. she told me that she don't even masturbates anymore and have no desire for sex. i've listened and told her that she must work on herself and start loving herself because this was a wicked relationship, a dependent relationship and not something where two people actually grow. we kissed for a couple of hours, no sex since red days, then i've moved out. the way she looked ad me when i was walking away told me something.

now, after that i initiate contacts a couple of times but the conversation was dragging and a little cold. so i went total NC.

after two days she texted me. no response.
after four days she texted me again, asking why i'm ignoring, i respond some hours later with something ironic and close the conversation.

no response since then. i guess she was only seeking validation?

now. what should i do in order to get this girl back? please don't tell me to forgot from my life, i really want to learn how to handle these situations since it's not the first time that something like this happen to me.

one last thing: i behaved afc here, but normally, when i'm not interested, i'm good enough at game. so if you respond assume that i know what the rules are.

thank you! and sorry for my english, it's not my primary language.

 

[El Payaso]

Date other women or focus on your life ambitions. Period.

 

[chinaski]

i read the just got dumped guide and i'm applying the steps right now. apart from this, dating other girls and a lot of workout si there any thing else that i can do? what are your impressions on this situation?

 

[Mysterymale19]

Hey man your doing fine! One thing you NEED to realize is STOP BASING YOUR HAPPINESS BASED ON ONE WOMEN! Go outside take a walk look around you, life is beautiful you have so much to be grateful for and when you realize this is when you will truly be ok with it. One thing I have learned is that no matter how much money you make, how much you own, where you work, etc happiness is an INTERNAL trait! Be happy with yourself on the inside, DON'T Focus on women because in general who really cares? I have owned businesses and been a 9.50 an hour employee, have gotten rejected from multiple girls, and have had multiple women in a couple weeks and everything is related to HOW YOU THINK! Your outcome shouldn't be based on one particular person or situation! Money, women, success, doesn't make you happy trust me on this!! you have to be happy with yourself first and then the rest may comes!
you got this man best of luck!!

 

[SoSuave666]

There are a very limited number of times when it is acceptable to cry in front of your girlfriend. When she leaves you is NEVER one of those acceptable times.

Move on. It's not worth it to try and get this girl "back." Honestly, I don't think you ever had her. What you should do is search for women who haven't been abused in the past, are not bi-sexual, haven't been on anti-depressants, doesn't drink a lot, and don't have a history of cheating.

Go to the gym. Read some books. Flirt with other women. Get laid. Hang out with your friends and family. Men have become so beaten down with phrases like "win her back" and "fight for her" that they forget how to be men. What type of man cries and begs for his emotionally unstable ex gf back who is still in love with her abusive ex? Pick your nuts up and go find someone else.

 

[Mysterymale19]

I wake up everyday too and tell myself I am the best looking, most successful, best personality person am I really? Definitley not but I THINK I AM.. That is the key! Any one else with any opinions ? :/

 

[hudpes]

I'm sure nobody will encourage you to go on and devise a plan to win her back.

The cats in her skull are still fighting and she's a mess, she might get better or maybe she's looking for an abusive relationship (who endures 7 years of that??). She might come back to test the waters again, and then leave, again. And you will feel worse. The point of NC is to either raise her IL, or to let the thoughts of her fade out. No matter what you do, I don't see a rosey future for the two of you, she will want to get away sooner or later, and she won't make a smooth exit. So why bother thinking about her at all? Oh, and here's a biggie: don't take it personally. You haven't lost. Treat this as some minor curiosity that happened to you (pffffffff b!tches b crazy...) and go on with your life.

 

[chinaski]

I'm sure nobody will encourage you to go on and devise a plan to win her back.

The cats in her skull are still fighting and she's a mess, she might get better or maybe she's looking for an abusive relationship (who endures 7 years of that??). She might come back to test the waters again, and then leave, again. And you will feel worse. The point of NC is to either raise her IL, or to let the thoughts of her fade out. No matter what you do, I don't see a rosey future for the two of you, she will want to get away sooner or later, and she won't make a smooth exit. So why bother thinking about her at all? Oh, and here's a biggie: don't take it personally. You haven't lost. Treat this as some minor curiosity that happened to you (pffffffff b!tches b crazy...) and go on with your life.

i think you got a point here.
let me explain better. this is the second time in my life when i have to face a similar situation. the worst feeling is that maybe there was a potential relationship but it didn't lasted long enough to live it fully. and it's the second time in the last few years when the relationship stops because i became too needy and a psycho ex bf reappear in the picture. i have a very similar story not too much years ago, met this girl, then went too soft and caring, she left me for her ex. same outcome as this one. and i'm tired of this situation. i want to understand how to deal with this type of things once for all. it's sort of a personal thing, i see this as a failure, i mean, normally i'm the one who rejects women because i eventually got tired, this is the opposite and i'm never ready for this kind of emotions. they get me every time.

plus, the first part of this year (even before meeting her) i had some health problems, nothing major i think but i just wanted to relax and "be loved" a little, without chasing, without me being a player. for once.
my life was never easy under this point of view and somehow i thought that this was implicit, but apparently it's not. it's difficult to explain, sometimes you need a break from the world and i thought that this girl could understand this and "ran away" for a while with me.

it worked, for a while, and she liked it (she said literally that she liked the "lightness" and to get away from the rest of the world when she were with me).
i'd really like to reach this status again. but there are too many problems in this relationship and her head is so full of pain and emotions for this man..i don't really think that it could work right now.

but i'm sorry, because i always thought of me as a wonderful person and a good skilled player, being distanced from a woman too much blinded from his past relationship and that don't even understand what she's got into hands is very hard and painful. i feel unappreciated and believe me - i will not write my entire history here - there are VERY few mens like me.

i know there are a lot of beautiful women out there that can appreciate me for what i am, but i'd really like being understood by her. the feeling here is that she didn't event see what was going on.

so, this is me, normally i'm charming and playful and i got a lot of women without too much effort, only making them know that they aren't exclusives is enough to drive them mad. in this case, apparently it was useless. she acted like she didn't care too much. and it's hard for me to accept it. i mean, normally they go nuts. i'm not able to put in the relationship bad emotions, i don't play like this, i gave them a roller coaster of positive emotions + good sex + some fear of loss + TONS of irony. i don't treat them bad, it was never necessary.

but, with some girls like this, maybe i should force my hand a little. i understand that she seeks extreme emotions, pnp and up/downs, and i understand that a girl that seeks this kind of things is emotionally damaged and can't bring positive things in my life. but i'd like to be able to handle these kind of girls. because they are too damn attractive for me.

sorry for the long post. i hope you have a better idea of me, now. and thanks everyone for the advice for now!

 

[The_411]

Anytime a woman tells you that you are too good for her it should tell you two things.

1) You are too good for her. Any woman who tells a guy this is basically telling you a) she's broken b) she only attracted to bad boys who treat her poorly c) not relationship material. After all would a sane person complain if they had too much money, were were the best in their profession in the world etc. Nope

2) Chances are she's mentally ill.

And yes this exact thing happened to me and I'm sure is happened to plenty of guys here and will continue to happen.

If a woman says that you are too good for her then say you're right I'm going to go find someone who more deserving and then just leave.

 

[chinaski]

Anytime a woman tells you that you are too good for her it should tell you two things.

1) You are too good for her. Any woman who tells a guy this is basically telling you a) she's broken b) she only attracted to bad boys who treat her poorly c) not relationship material. After all would a sane person complain if they had too much money, were were the best in their profession in the world etc. Nope

2) Chances are she's mentally ill.

And yes this exact thing happened to me and I'm sure is happened to plenty of guys here and will continue to happen.

If a woman says that you are too good for her then say you're right I'm going to go find someone who more deserving and then just leave.

in this short period of time with her i've noticed the following things:

- love dependency, for her ex, she is obsessed with him and it was clearly a wicked relationship
- in certain occasions she was unable to understand any kind of "good" that was given to her, i don't know if i'm writing it right, what i mean is that not always but i had the impression of she being incapable of acknowledge good things that i was doing for her. and we are not talking of gifts or beta acts, just normal things that you may do in a relationship
- she was often without money, i mean ok she was broke because of her ex, but damn you can't arrive at the end of the month without money on your account. i mean, how the hell can you eat? anyway she didn't asked anything to me, in regards of money
- she was always ready to do something for her friends or colleagues, little gifts, food and so on. even if she didn't have the money for her needs.
- she smoke weed on a regular basis
- in the past months she surely abused alcohol, after the breakup with her ex. when she was with me she didn't drank too much (i like to drink but in moderation), but when she was alone, before me, or even when i was not around she drank way too much more than me
- as i said, she told me that i was too good with her and that i was putting her on a pedestal, but i wasn't doing extraordinary stuff, i just treated her with respect and that's all, she seemed alien to this kind of relationship. in the last weeks i had the strong sensation that she was provoking me just for having a "bad" reaction, in some occasions.

on the other side, she was always sincere with me and i think she is REALLY suffering for her past relationship and for the strange vision of love that she had. but i think it's a psychological thing, and she should really work on her or she'll sabotage all her next relationships or worse she'll unconsciously search for another abusive partner.

i mean i like her and i really like to have a mature relationship with her, but in this moment it's practically impossible. i've told her more than once that she should work on herself and get better because it's for her own good.

 

[hudpes]

but i'd like to be able to handle these kind of girls. because they are too damn attractive for me.

I find that emotionally, you still have a way to go before you become stable and grounded. You're looking for a kick from an emotional sado-masochism. You want to control the one who wants to torment you by not letting you touch them. Of course we all have this mechanism in our brain, but most of us are not looking for a situation that awakens it, and the clever ones avoid it, because it doesn't end well.

 

[chinaski]

I find that emotionally, you still have a way to go before you become stable and grounded. You're looking for a kick from an emotional sado-masochism. You want to control the one who wants to torment you by not letting you touch them. Of course we all have this mechanism in our brain, but most of us are not looking for a situation that awakens it, and the clever ones avoid it, because it doesn't end well.

it's true that i have some kind of control syndrome. it's a behavior that in certain situations (being under extreme pressure due to health concerns) helped me to sort things out. and it may be true that i unconsciously search this kind of woman.

but i'm here (i mean in this life) to improve, so if it's something that can be worked out, why not.

i think this:since my life has been very hard in some aspects some years ago and i went through very stressful period and extreme pressure and pain, i tend to search "damaged" people that have been through pain too, in this way maybe i will feel comprehended. and this is a scheme that i apply even if it's wrong (but deep inside i think it may be a right thing)

the problem is that not everyone who live stressful situations comes out enriched. often is the contrary.

in my case my experience have started a journey of self discovery and change, i started reading about psychology, seduction, human behavior, oriental religions and so on. started getting in shape and chasing positive emotions.
but it's my case. not everyone react like this.

at the beginning of this relationship even if i did see the red flags i just wanted to bring positive emotions in. and it worked, for a period of time.

even now, i do care for this girl because in some ways it's very similar to me and i'd like to push her to become a better person. with or without me as a partner in her life.

maybe i am a little strange, maybe i'm mentally ill too, but this is the way i see things. if you people see something bad in my words, please guide me to useful resource that i can use to understand myself better.

again, i'm sorry for the english, is a little hard explain deep concepts with a limited knowledge of the language

 

[VladPatton]

I don't think any guy on this forum will tell you to get back with this girl. This reeks of a toxic nature. Do yourself a favor and find something better. See how she's doing once a month, if you must involve yourself in her life, (not recommended) and that's it.

You pretty much maxed out her potential, there will never be anything better for you from her. Just read around, SoSuave is full of these situations.

Good luck.

 

[chinaski]

I don't think any guy on this forum will tell you to get back with this girl. This reeks of a toxic nature. Do yourself a favor and find something better. See how she's doing once a month, if you must involve yourself in her life, (not recommended) and that's it.

You pretty much maxed out her potential, there will never be anything better for you from her. Just read around, SoSuave is full of these situations.

Good luck.

thanks for your reply.

we texted a little. i told her that i didn't wanted her out of my life. that in the meantime i will pursue my happiness, that i'm seeing other girls, but i still want to see her from time to time. she agreed. i feel better, now. i'm not jealous or anything: it's just that i can't pretend that a person who shared a little piece of this life with me did not exist. i'm not like this and i've never did it before in my life, i tend to create good rapport and communication even when things end and i'm fine with that.

she told me again that she will is to remain alone in this period to focus on herself, that she is not seeing anyone else and that she feel no attraction towards anyone (me included) and no sexual desire at all. she'd like to see me too but without pressure and with no goals (that means no sex).

i know that this is rationally wrong but i prefer to follow this road. i'm not really attached to a particular outcome, i'll just go with the flow.

i think that there is something more deep here: this relationship has reopened an old wound in me, i suffered from a pretty similar breakup some years ago and apparently i didn't fully recovered yet. it's a chance to re-analyze this thing and find a way to end the "old" pain once for all and really go on with my life. the similarity of these two stories is incredibile.
i think i'll speak with my psychologist of this thing, i wanna process this feelings in the right way.

she is obviously damaged but i think she is sincere. i saw her hurting and i couldn't be a fake thing, she was really really down. what i'll probably do is spend some time with her without "heavy" emotions, trying to do things that make us happy.

i'd like to hear what you thing of this situation. i know that a dj usually don't do this kind of things but i think i have to face this situation and maybe learn something from it, instead of running away.

edit: found this reply in another thread. i think it's the way to go, at least for me

Question of the day: Why would you even want to hang out with this chick if she's a depressed mess??? Its a little ironic to me that your signature says "girls r crazy," yet you always gravitate towards them....hmmmm!!!! Don't be a martyr to her, unless you enjoy being a human punching bag.

But I've been here long enough to know that you won't stop talking to her, so as the others have said, keep everything super casual and fun. Instead of being her shoulder to cry on, be the guy that makes her forget about her problems, if it doesn't work, it doesn't work.

And if you can't realize that its NOT a good time to ask a chick out when she's incredibly depressed over some serious family stuff, then you need a brain examination ASAP.


I'll also warn you not to get too involved with this chick's issues, even as a friend because her mental instablity will eventually seep into your life and make you a depressed sack of **** too!!




PIMP

 

[nismo-4]

Judge nismo on the case.

ok, i'm new here, and there are a lot of inspiring threads in this forum. thanks in advance for all the support that the members of this community gave me without even knowing it!

I and others are happy to help.

here's the situation: i met this girl six months ago, she broke with her GF (7 years long) about one year ago, when i met her it was a light thing, a lot of sex and fun, some alcohol in the mix, we went together several dates, event a couple of little vacations in the summer.

She had a GF? You could've got a threesome. Anyways, it's great you had sex.

she always told me that her last relation was painful and he was a psycho man, so high emotions here. i didn't get the hint and play the good guy for a while, i mean, normally i'm spinning plates and seeing two or three girls at the same time, but i wanted to relax and enjoy her company in the summer and maybe this was an error. keep in mind that i didn't go full afc, i just wanted to relax for a while without "gaming". i didn't tell her that i love her, i didn't gifted her something, i just spent time with here naturally, caring for her. note that the ex cheated on her multiple times and left her for another girl.

Ok, so the guy dumped her. And you played the nice beta orbiter. Bad.

the sex in the first two months was awesome but then something happened. it just became bland and always the same, and scarce. i figured the ex was reappearing in the picture, and my instincts told me to get away. a month later she left me, saying that she was not ready for a relationship, that i was demonstrating too much, that i was treating her too well, that i'm an awesome person and i don't need to wait her to sort things out. i was shocked, we were at my place, i told her that i can't do nothing to make her forgot her ex, i told her that i was sorry that we were suffocating a potential relationship without even let the relationship express, i cried too. ok that was a little too much.

Waning interest= there's a better man around. Not ready for a relationship with you. You were too much of a nice guy. Hence these results. But you can still be her friend (beta orbiter).

in the morning i drove her to her place and said good bye.
the following week there were almost not texts from my side, but the week after we set up a date. we eventually end at her place and she start talking about how the past relationship still hurt her, how she is depressed and she wants no one around her, even close relatives. she told me that she don't even masturbates anymore and have no desire for sex. i've listened and told her that she must work on herself and start loving herself because this was a wicked relationship, a dependent relationship and not something where two people actually grow. we kissed for a couple of hours, no sex since red days, then i've moved out. the way she looked ad me when i was walking away told me something.

When I kick a girl to the curb, I don't go back. Neither should you.

now, after that i initiate contacts a couple of times but the conversation was dragging and a little cold. so i went total NC.

F**k conversation with this girl! Unless you just want to be her friend.

after two days she texted me. no response.
after four days she texted me again, asking why i'm ignoring, i respond some hours later with something ironic and close the conversation.

no response since then. i guess she was only seeking validation?

You think? She dumped you now she wants to see if you will give her attention and inflate her ego.

now. what should i do in order to get this girl back? please don't tell me to forgot from my life, i really want to learn how to handle these situations since it's not the first time that something like this happen to me.

The fact you even want her back shows you care too much. It's a lost cause. Delete her from all platforms. Get the f**k over it. It's over. Move the f**k on. She already did. Go get another woman. Women are replaceable. Every bit as much as men are. Getting this girl back is more trouble than it's worth. Don't bother. You can do better. That's how you handle this.

one last thing: i behaved afc here, but normally, when i'm not interested, i'm good enough at game. so if you respond assume that i know what the rules are.

Your afc behavior is what made you lose. Beta backsliding. Don't do that sh*t.

thank you! and sorry for my english, it's not my primary language.

You're very welcome.

Read between the lines.

Case closed.

 

[chinaski]

Judge nismo on the case.



Read between the lines.

Case closed.

eh, ok i got it. i went too ****ing afc here. thanks for your reply, nismo.

 

[The_411]

I'm with Mauser96 here as this is straight out of the BPD handbook. I hesitate to use BPD because ultimately you really can't tell and it's much easier to just acknowledge wack behavior and get as far away from it.

You should seek therapy so you can come to terms why you seek out relationships with damaged women.

If you don't get to the root of the issue you will continue in these types of relationships at the risk of your personal sanity and quite possibly your life.

It may sound overly dramatic but there are plenty of stories of men killing themselves over a woman.

 

[chinaski]

I'm with Mauser96 here as this is straight out of the BPD handbook. I hesitate to use BPD because ultimately you really can't tell and it's much easier to just acknowledge wack behavior and get as far away from it.

You should seek therapy so you can come to terms why you seek out relationships with damaged women.

If you don't get to the root of the issue you will continue in these types of relationships at the risk of your personal sanity and quite possibly your life.

It may sound overly dramatic but there are plenty of stories of men killing themselves over a woman.

i read a lot about bpd behavior, cluster b personality and depression in these days.
i think there are some traits in her personality (aka red flags all over the place) that may lead to a similar conclusion.

on the other side, some years ago i had a sexual relationship with a REAL bpd girl and i can tell you she was way more damaged than this girl. she was somehow enlightened about her status and she didn't damaged me, didn't play mind games and didn't try to reach my attention with extreme moves. she explained me about her condition and as far as i can tell it was way worse.

i understand that this is a lost cause. but, as i said before, usually i don't walk away from people. i can learn something from this experience. let me explain better:

the girl before the object of this thread was clearly depressed and an emotional train wreck. i left her and didn't look back because i couldn't bring out nothing positive from this relationship, for her as for myself. we text from time to time and she's desperate to see me (it will not happen). i don't wanna to be dragged in her depression.

my best female friend has a past of experience very similar from the girl of this topic, she somehow resolved some of these and now she is stable and ok. maybe not stable as a normal functioning adult but she lead a clean life, still some drama but not in the wicked way that it was before. she is a positive person overall and she likes having me around. so i kept her. as a friend. and i'm proud of it, we connect in a deep way and she really care about me.

in the past i've had relationship with at least other two women with similar traits, a girl that lost his father some time before meeting me and a full psycho manipulative type (the last one was a lot of years ago, more than 10).

there is clearly something wrong in the way i search women.

i'm already in therapy for things completely unrelated to this thread, but i can start a path now based on this thing. i've already booked an encounter. maybe, in the end i'll be able to attract quality girls and not only damaged girls if i can resolve this issue with myself.

not everyone i've been with was a damaged person. there were beautiful, intelligent women in my past. i don't search exclusively wrong girls, but i can understand myself better and correct this thing. i seem to magnet towards these kind of girls in the harder periods of my life.

i know i can't fix her. i understand that she has issues. maybe not full bpd, but there is something wrong. the only thing that i can do for her is tell her to seek professional help. i know i'm not a therapist. but i can use this experience to investigate the issue on myself.

what i can do is check on her from time to time and try to bring some good moments, that's all. she is absolutely not ready for a healthy relationship, and she must work on herself is she wants to get better. it just saddens me that she has to live such a miserable life.

i understand that this is NOT how a dj should move. but as i said before, running away in indifference about her and about myself don't seem a great idea. i think i should fix this issue with my personality. trying to get her back exploiting her weakness (possible fear of loss, etc) seems inhumane to me. i know that women do this all the time but i'm not like that. as i said, i had a good number of girls in the past and there was simply no need to treat them bad or play psychological games.

everyone has its own seducing style and i have mine. i use different tools, different emotions. and it worked in the past so i don't have the intention to change something that works.

i appreciated nismo post and from a pure dj standpoint he is right but please understand that not every person is the same, and ok, women have these "guidelines" rooted in their psychology and the dj behavior works almost every time, but there is more than one way to obtain the same result. but right now i'm not seeking for a result, i think i should focus on myself and on resolving this issue.

 

[The_411]

i read a lot about bpd behavior, cluster b personality and depression in these days.
i think there are some traits in her personality (aka red flags all over the place) that may lead to a similar conclusion.

on the other side, some years ago i had a sexual relationship with a REAL bpd girl and i can tell you she was way more damaged than this girl. she was somehow enlightened about her status and she didn't damaged me, didn't play mind games and didn't try to reach my attention with extreme moves. she explained me about her condition and as far as i can tell it was way worse.

i understand that this is a lost cause. but, as i said before, usually i don't walk away from people. i can learn something from this experience. let me explain better:

the girl before the object of this thread was clearly depressed and an emotional train wreck. i left her and didn't look back because i couldn't bring out nothing positive from this relationship, for her as for myself. we text from time to time and she's desperate to see me (it will not happen). i don't wanna to be dragged in her depression.

my best female friend has a past of experience very similar from the girl of this topic, she somehow resolved some of these and now she is stable and ok. maybe not stable as a normal functioning adult but she lead a clean life, still some drama but not in the wicked way that it was before. she is a positive person overall and she likes having me around. so i kept her. as a friend. and i'm proud of it, we connect in a deep way and she really care about me.

in the past i've had relationship with at least other two women with similar traits, a girl that lost his father some time before meeting me and a full psycho manipulative type (the last one was a lot of years ago, more than 10).

there is clearly something wrong in the way i search women.

i'm already in therapy for things completely unrelated to this thread, but i can start a path now based on this thing. i've already booked an encounter. maybe, in the end i'll be able to attract quality girls and not only damaged girls if i can resolve this issue with myself.

not everyone i've been with was a damaged person. there were beautiful, intelligent women in my past. i don't search exclusively wrong girls, but i can understand myself better and correct this thing. i seem to magnet towards these kind of girls in the harder periods of my life.

i know i can't fix her. i understand that she has issues. maybe not full bpd, but there is something wrong. the only thing that i can do for her is tell her to seek professional help. i know i'm not a therapist. but i can use this experience to investigate the issue on myself.

what i can do is check on her from time to time and try to bring some good moments, that's all. she is absolutely not ready for a healthy relationship, and she must work on herself is she wants to get better. it just saddens me that she has to live such a miserable life.

i understand that this is NOT how a dj should move. but as i said before, running away in indifference about her and about myself don't seem a great idea. i think i should fix this issue with my personality. trying to get her back exploiting her weakness (possible fear of loss, etc) seems inhumane to me. i know that women do this all the time but i'm not like that. as i said, i had a good number of girls in the past and there was simply no need to treat them bad or play psychological games.

everyone has its own seducing style and i have mine. i use different tools, different emotions. and it worked in the past so i don't have the intention to change something that works.

i appreciated nismo post and from a pure dj standpoint he is right but please understand that not every person is the same, and ok, women have these "guidelines" rooted in their psychology and the dj behavior works almost every time, but there is more than one way to obtain the same result. but right now i'm not seeking for a result, i think i should focus on myself and on resolving this issue.

The thing of it is that there are gradiations to mental illness and they are all harmful but some can be more overt where as others can be much more subtle but just as damaging if not more so because they are so insidious.

You can't save people. You do need to resolve your issues with trying to be a savior/fixing people. It's not a healthy behavior and usually people do it as avoidance tactic to addressing their own issues.

It's narcissistic behavior. Personality disordered women flock to narcisscism

 

[chinaski]

The thing of it is that there are gradiations to mental illness and they are all harmful but some can be more overt where as others can be much more subtle but just as damaging if not more so because they are so insidious.

You can't save people. You do need to resolve your issues with trying to be a savior/fixing people. It's not a healthy behavior and usually people do it as avoidance tactic to addressing their own issues.

It's narcissistic behavior. Personality disordered women flock to narcisscism

ok, i talked to my therapist. here's the situation:


- at first, when i met this girl, i wasn't too much alpha, dominant or controlling. i was relaxed. i was offering her freedom (by not proposing a normal relationship), i was offering her good emotions, detachment from her reality and he problems. and she loved this thing. looking back at our text history, she wrote that she liked these feelings very much. and i know that we shouldn't care too much about what girl say, but she was demonstrating this through her behavior, too. so here's the hook. here's what i should offer her again, if i reappear in her life.


- at some point she didn't understand what i was offering to her. i wasn't too much beta or anything, i just wasn't cheating on her. maybe i was investing too much on the relationship, and she was not (discrepancy: at first i've offered her a relationship without commitment and later i was acting like i wanted one). she ran away. first, i was not coherent. second, i didn't wait that she came close to me, instead i went too close on her. third, she's been in a pseudo-abusive relationship for a lot of YEARS and she didn't know anything else: this was her model of relationship.


- but here's the key: she is changing, or at least she's trying to change. so in this moment would be counter-productive offer her something that reminds her "old" model of relationship. i understand that she can't choose what she is attracted from, but it's not in a "stable" period, she's moving. she is starting to deciding things on her own instead of following. in this moment being dominant and deciding for her would not be the exact thing to do. as she asked, i should give her (or at least give her the impression) of giving her space. instead of "order" things, i should make her choose: not in a beta way, maybe giving her the illusion of choice, by not being too imposing. this should follow her status right now.


- in the last month of our relationship, i sensed that she wasn't attracted to me anymore, i panicked and i started to behave in a very dominant way, thinking that i could increase attraction. i was choosing when and where to go, i alway declined her invites, i was going out on my own purposely when she asked to see me. she began testing me, in some occasions i didn't understand, it was like she was trying to provoke a reaction in me. result: even less sex and more detachment.


- so, it's hard because i'm always moving fast but if here's what i can do. give her time, not being pushy (but don't go no contact either), don't talk about relationship AT ALL, make her feel relaxed and at ease without being too beta, hook to the "first me" that she met and she liked so much. not try to control her (i'll discuss this thing with my therapist the next time), not try to impose her things but give her the "illusion" of choice. i should not be her therapist and avoid talking about this thing at all, or steer the conversation if she brings this out. ideally she should forget about her issues when she's with me.
she should come for me and ask for more, not the opposite.


it's hard for me because i tend to behave in two extreme, opposite ways: too beta or too much dominant. i should learn to calibrate, and i think this experience can make me understand something. and it's hard even more for me because i can't have here immediately, and maybe no more: i must understand that i can't control everything.


what do you think?