So...I have no friends at all. Lets date!

[asid76]

I have to admit that not having any friends is not conducive to picking up. I am a loser. I spend every weekend alone, none of my friends call me anymore, and I mean it literally - they NEVER CALL. I have always been very good to my friends but a couple of years ago I got depressed for a year or so and all my friends...poof...they vanished.

Now I am not depressed anymore, and I am actually mastering this DJ stuff pretty nicely (thanks to all of you and your posts) and girls are interested. BUT...they soon figure out that I have no friends. They then figure out that dating me will not lead them into a fun and exciting atmosphere. For example, the last girl that blew me off did so for a guy who plays baseball every weekend on a local team. He has TONS of friends and is involved in all types of activities. I, on the other hand, suck at sports, have no friends, and dont do much of anything interesting. So, no wonder she chose who she chose. On the one hand, she could have me and me alone. On the other hand, she has him, and his friends, and baseball games to attend, and parties to have fun at, the chance to meet more people and to travel.

I am 32, living in a small town and its not easy to make new friends at my age. MY old friends have parties all the time and never think to invite me. What really hurts is that I was there for some of them when they had no one. I literally saved one friend from ruining himself and now that he is ok, he repays me by shunning me. I currently have no life and the girls can see this. I can get dates, and I can get laid. But two to three weeks into any relationship they start to get bored and inevitably they leave.

So...what does all this DJ stuff amount to when I have ZERO social value? I am trying to convey alpha-ness but without a "posse" I am obviously NOT an alpha male and girls know it. What to do? Is anyone out there in this situation? Did you spend last Friday and Saturday night watching movies with your mother? I did and it kills me. Help.

 

[asid76]

Thanks Darth Angel. I have actually read that book and loved it. I could use a re-read though. Thanks for the tips. I will keep it all in mind. I am not giving up, thats why I am here. I will keep moving forward, its just that sometimes I need a push to keep up the momentum. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Maybe I will just make new friends, it is hard because I'm in a small town, but its not impossible. I may have to move to a more happening city. I don't know. But thanks for the advice. Now I have to go find my copy of that Dale Carnegie book....

 

[Colossus]

You have to create your own life. Start doing things you like or want to do regardless of whether or not you have a friend to do it with. Eventually you will meet people in your activities.

 

[stumped]

Hey asid, I totally feel ya buddy. I'm in the same boat. I was dating some chick a little while ago, and the fact that I had no social life, no GROUP of friends to bring her around so we could have fun as a group sucked. It made me feel so lame.

Without a social life, things can get very difficult. Its like a train getting off track, trying to get back on seems next to impossible.

I miss the circle of friends I once had long ago, it was cool, we were tight, nobody was ever bored, girls were always around, life was good. Now, nothing. I'm not depressed or anything but it still sucks.

 

[legolas]

I don't know why you believe that it is because you have no friends that girls won't date you. It's purely a negative mindset and it's killing you. I have a close friend of mine who, like me, has very few friends. He's right now dating this girl who doesn't even care about his friends. In fact she's bringing him to her world and her friends.

Look if a girl dates a guy because of his friends, then the girl is purely looking for a social outlet. She's not dating him because she likes him, but because she likes what he brings to the table for her. She's being selfish which most people are.

It seems to me you need some hobbies and some more traveling. Dale Carnegie's book is ok, but I think you'd get far more out a book by Tim Ferriss called The 4-Hour Work Week I suggest you buy this book ASAP!!

It's only $12 on Amazon (no I get no kickback from this) http://www.amazon.com/4-Hour-Workwe...bs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1215965582&sr=8-1

 

[slaog]

No bro, don't waste time reading this bullsh1t books.

Here's what you do:

1. What are yur hobbiEs? Don't have one? GET ONE
2. Join a class that teaches your hobby
3. meet people through that class
4. TAKE THE INITIATIVE. After the class be like "hey you guys wanna go out for a quick drink?"
5. If you're not an assh0le people iwll accept and BAM you will soon have some friends.
6. Join some other classes if you hvae spare time
7. WASH RINSE AND REPEAT

Also, what do you do? Meet people through work and school if you're in school, but I'm assuming you have a job and therefore have money for these courses I'm speaking about. Salsa dancing or whatever will be good since it'll improve your sh1tty dance skills and help you meet some attractive women.

If all else fails, JOIN THE GYM and meet people through that.

I must reread it but from what I remember it offered good practicle advise so it isn't bull***t

 

[asid76]

Thanks for all the advice. I sincerely appreciate this site for how everyone comes together to help one another. I have yet again been uplifted by your posts and I am thankful for that.

I don't remember everyones names at the moment, but the book advice is great and will be looked into - $12 on amazon is a small price to pay even if the book IS "bulls**t". I actually like reading so hey. Also, whoever said that I need to be interesting enough on my own is absolutely right, I shouldn't depend on my social circle or lack thereof in order to get girls. It should be enough for her just to be with ME. I am interesting in a number of ways, which I guess I often overlook. I can play guitar fairly well but yet I never play for girls, its always been more of a personal and private hobby. That will change now, I am going to learn some songs specifically for them.

I guess my initial concern and the reason for starting this post is that I am a little hurt by the fact that my friends no longer try to include me in their plans. I figured that I needed them in order to demonstrate to the girl that I have social value and status. But the right girl will be interested in me for who I am and what I am about. Sometimes it helps to have that pointed out because sometimes I can't see the forest for the trees.

Truth be told, I guess I have actually outgrown and pushed away alot of my friends now that I am no longer a people-pleasing chump. Now that I live by my own terms, I guess I will have to get used to more people NOT liking me. Well so be it. I'll walk alone. I don't need a social circle to validate me. I will BE the party all by myself. I will make new friends, hopefully, by doing this. And they will be better friends because they will be meeting an Asid76 who no longer compromises his beliefs to build relationships.

Now...who wants pizza?

 

[jophil28]

Truth be told, I guess I have actually outgrown and pushed away alot of my friends now that I am no longer a people-pleasing chump. Now that I live by my own terms, I guess I will have to get used to more people NOT liking me.

Being a people pleaser is a guarantee that you will have a large circle of friends who like you because you are useful to them - like a doormat is useful.
Acquiring friends by being excessively agreeable and eager to please is a further guarantee that you will eventually be exploited by some of them and then dumped when you are no longer "useful".
Start over and build your connnections with people based on quality - THEIR quality. You need to audition THEM and not seek their approval by being eager to accomodate their wishes and whims at the expense of your own.

A few good friends trump a larger "hang out" group every time .

 

[Mysterious_Learner]

Truth be told, I guess I have actually outgrown and pushed away alot of my friends now that I am no longer a people-pleasing chump. Now that I live by my own terms, I guess I will have to get used to more people NOT liking me. Well so be it. I'll walk alone. I don't need a social circle to validate me. I will BE the party all by myself. I will make new friends, hopefully, by doing this. And they will be better friends because they will be meeting an Asid76 who no longer compromises his beliefs to build relationships.

You know, this is exactly what I'm going through at the moment. Relatives and family friends have stopped liking me because I no longer wish to be the wimpy weak puppy boy that they found cute and adorable to "play with" and "joke around with". Ever since I've been working on myself and aiming to have the mindset of a man always, they are gradually stepping out of my life (by their choice, of course). It does hurt, I admit, but I'm not going to stop just to make them happy. I want to continue to do what I'm currently aiming to do - that is, be masculine at all times and be proud of it, even if it means lack of friends.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Asid 76,
Yeah Carnegies book is very good,its in the library,while there check out the ladies while they peruse the shelves,it's a good spot to meet shy and lonely females,when you have read it,start assembling jokes,and humerous Bon Mots,hire some of the collected DVD's of shows like Seinfeld or Cheers,write down the quipps and funny lines that appeal.Thus equipped you next have to go where the girls go,Yoga,Cooking classes,aerobic exercise classes,bush walking are all good.I have found pumping away at weights in a Gym will not do you much good socially,neither will pubs or bars,they are a dead loss.The real answer Dance Classes,and Social Dancing....women gravitate towards a good dancer,where else can you go,pay about $15 and within minutes be holding a woman in your arms and talking to her...Ball room is the best,supported with Rock n Roll and Latin...Take about a year then you will be set like a Jelly...

 

[jophil28]

I want to continue to do what I'm currently aiming to do - that is, be masculine at all times and be proud of it, even if it means lack of friends.

What happens is this -
Gradually you will connect with new and different folk who like, respect and admire who you are now becoming, i.e. the "new " YOU. This all takes a little time and some effort on your part. Put yourself out there, take some risks with women. and be patient.


"Rejection is better than regret "

 

[Micheal Moon]

I'm in the same boat as the OP as well. I used to go out with friends a lot but they just don't go out anymore. That is where I'm most comfortable meeting girls.

The last girl I talked to, she was very hot, and it started out amazing. She came over one day and we chilled out. It was going good but things got a little quiet and she's like, "What are you doing tonight?". I'm like "Just hanging out here". She's like,"Don't you have any friends?" About a half hour later she was gone out the door making up some excuse LOL. Now, I've always been the type of guy who has a few close friends and several acquaintances

Got me thinking how some girls are so caught up in that social proof garbage and a lot of the times use it to qualify you. I was obviously dissapointed. Now I believe not all girls are like that, but a lot are, and you definately have an advantage if you have a large and/or active social group.


Meeting someone new has been a challenge lately. There are no prospects where I work, and although I like going out, problem is none of my friends go out anymore really. Now, I am a loner by nature but when I go out its different. I like going out with people its just more fun to me. I get energy from the people I hang around with. I've tried going out by myself but have never felt comfortable doing it. Im not in that joking relaxed mood and admittedly feel a little self conscious.

Last time I went out with my best friend I number closed easily.

Maybe I should try it again, because at the moment I have no prospects......NONE, and Im meeting nobody at the moment. Being proactive in talking is something I don't do naturally and something I have to get better at. Im usually the type of person where I react and open up when somebody talks to me. Flying solo you have to initate to get things going. Standing alone and not being social is a recipe for disaster if you go solo.

 

[Alexander the Great]

I have few friends right now. There was a time I had none. And I date. In the past, I too felt weird because of this. As if I held less value. As if something was wrong with me.

This mindset hurt my attitude. Towards myself and towards the people I met or dated.

Now? I don't care. I'm cool as I am and I have much to offer. And I have e few friends again.


If I met a girl who had zero friends (and I have), I wouldn't hold that against her. No alright person holds that against another person.

Of course, I have since learned that you have to be on the lookout for red flags with girls with no friends. There may be something wrong. No biggie persé, but it might be bad. (In this case it was).

A woman who holds it against you, either by her words or actions, is a wrong woman. Sure, she may question it. But she cannot judge you. A quality woman, a woman who cares about you, would even try to help you.

Remember this when you go out to date and have no or few friends. It's alright. There's nothing wrong with you. And if there is (and you'll know), go fix yourself.

Just don't blurt it in their face. Don't make it your shield. Don't wear it on your sleeve. Don't stigmatize yourself. Not having friends or just a few is not an issue. It's a choice. A phase in your life. We all have phases. Sometimes it goes upwards, sometimes downwards.

 

[Jeffst1980]

Lots of good advice in this thread!!

I wrote a thread about using cold approaches to expand your social circle here: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=144879

Having a large social circle is really the key to being successful in life, let alone dating. Humans are social creatures and tend to judge others on social value first and foremost. Even those friends that owe you so much are judging you on your social merits!

I find the key to building a social circle is simply to be TALKATIVE. Forget about the idea that high status people don't say much and don't smile; forget about the "strong silent type." That will make you zero friends. Instead, be open to meeting EVERYONE and learn how to run a conversation. Be prepared to do most of the talking and learn how to really establish and convey a strong personality, even if you're not talking about yourself. Conan O'Brien is a great example of this.

Then, get out and do some activities. Join a gym--can't stress that enough. The gym is a great place to make friends and will improve your general well being. Go to lots of clubs and classes--even ones that DON'T interest you. Play the novice; people LOVE to feel like an expert and help other people out.

Start inviting people out to do things, and never turn down an invitation. Go to sporting events. Go see live music. Take ballroom dance classes. Ask people for advice on things. Go shopping and ask the sales clerks for help. Become a "regular" at local restaurants and bars--introduce yourself to the staff there.

There is no excuse NOT to be social. Of course, most of our interactions with strangers don't lead to lasting friendships, but the more you talk to others, the better your communication skills become. People with great communication skills make friends very easily because they make other people feel comfortable.

 

[kingwilliam]

Maybe you should move

 

[womann]

RE: So...I have no friends at all. Lets date!

I think u need more information about in that case....

 

[thedeparted]

These posts are naive. Some people are sociable. They are known as extroverts. Others are not social. They are known as introverts. Unless you rely on drugs, you aren't changing that.

What you change instead is the women you are meeting and how you handle them. If they have a great time they are busy qualifying themselves to you rather than asking for social proof. If you play it cool you can say, "I don't have any friends" and they will laugh, thinking you are not willing to introduce them to your friends. Then you can say, "But you can be my first friend." Thereby making them fight their way out of the friend-zone by being more sexual.

Truth is, social proof is handy for number-closing, but once you've got the 1 on 1, you don't need it anymore if you have other skills. As an introvert, I have a far more powerful one on one presence with women than most extroverts, half of whose personality evaporates when their buddies are not there to laugh at their jokes. I get more mysterious and interesting and challenging over time, whereas the social butterflies tend to shrivel and get dull, repeating meaningless crap they heard other people say during the day. Who would you rather hang with, BatMan the Dark Knight, or one of the nice guys from Friends?

The situation with friends is no different. I have a male friend who has called me for months and months that I never called back. Then he emails to ask for my new number. Then he keeps calling the old number. Why?

B/c he knows my value. He knows I am successful, smart, and funny as hell, when I feel like it. He knows I'll give him shlt if I'm in the mood, and serve his own shlt back to him in a nice little sandwich. He is bored of the azz-licking sycophants that work for him and the morons who mouth whatever they heard on TV. He wants a piece of my fvck-the-world attitude, which is so much better than his pleasant day at the office bu11crap, and he probably wants to borrow my beach condo, too. In short, I offer him value. I finally had to block his number b/c I don't want to let him use the condo. He has just become too much of a tool.

Now take another guy I met recently at a dinner party. This party was put on by a college friend who is also an introvert. He has an extrovert GF and invites the few of her 500 facebook "friends" that might be interesting. Then we have some fun. This particular guy tells me how he gave a friend of his in China some money to invest in their market. I do a lot of investing. So I said, "Well, that is great, b/c in ten years you'll have a rich friend in China, and maybe he'll let you stay at his place once in awhile."

I ragged on this guy at other times, as well, and neg hit his GF just for the hell of it. Not the Dale Carnegie method AT ALL. But thedeparted method is about establishing dominance while being funny and showing your value. In the end, that guy emailed me and ask to be a facebook friend, which I ignored, b/c he has nothing to offer me other than his girlfriend, which I don't really want, and I prefer to keep my facebook profile with no friends ;-)

Ultimately, all I am saying is that the same techniques that work with women -- neg hits, bad-boy attitudes, social status, etc. -- work on guys, too. Now go out and pickup some dudes!

 

[thedeparted]

P.S. "Let's date"?

No no no. A date is where you pay for the chance to grovel and qualify yourself to a woman, who then becomes convinced she is way too good for you. Fvck that. You can say, "Let's fvck." Or you can say let's go to the movies, and buy one ticket when you get to the window. Do not "date" women, though. Waste of everything possible.