So I figured out my biggest hurdle. I have no idea how to...

[TryAndReadBetween]

I've been introduced to the community at the age of about 15. Prior to this. I was a really nice, really shy guy. Girls always thought of me as a good looking guy - and something about me made me decently attractive. I had a lot of friends, and a lot of girlfriends (those girls that approached me) and was a generally happy guy.

Somewhere along the line, I somehow got it into my head that this was NOT ok. Throughout the years, I always thought of myself as an AFC. I wanted hotter girls. So I got really wild and aggressive... started working out and being a "badass".

So what slowly started to happen unconsciously was that I become sort of emotionless, intimidating and boring. As I got older (I'm 19 now), I started getting bigger, dressing better and looking pretty good. But I also noticed that despite my best efforts, I had less friends, and had a LOT less success with women, even though they initially find me very attractive.

I had no ****ing clue why this was going on. I went out into the field... discovered negs... and then it got even worse. I'd start conversations and girls would eventually leave thinking I was either tooling them or was just there to disrespect them. It wasn't even in the words I was saying.

The reason I'm making this post now, is because it only came to me slowly and over time what was actually going on. I initially always thought that I was just being too AFC so I kept pushing my self further and further down the spiral. The boiling point was last week:

At my school; I am a sound engineering student. Me and some classmates were in the studio recording this chick playing the flute. I was on the other side installing the microphones and there were a bunch of guys there with me... so I was about to go back to the mixing desk and I just said "ok you can play"... she looked at me kind of weird and said "ok...".

The guys rushed back to me and were like "holy ****... dude why are you so rude... you totally offended her... oh my god, I can't believe you did that"...

I was STUNNED. It was absolutely not my intention to offend her. This is pretty much how I always speak with everyone. And then it hit me... this is probably why everyone is intimidated by me and (probably) some even hate me.

There is something about me that just plain old makes people uneasy. Even though I'm good looking, there is something about my tonality or BL that freaks them out. Even my wing of 2 years says that if he didn't know me, he would have thought that I was an ******* or something. Only the people who get to truly know me know that I'm a really cool guy.

Every once in a while, I bypass this issue by take anxyolitic (anti anxiety drugs) or drinking booze. I re-become this high energy, talkative, smily guy that enjoys everyone's presence. In these moments I get flocked by girls and get smiles, kino, EC and even get laid. This **** is hard to maintain in a normal state, wherein my problem lies. I do not know how to be perceived the way I want to be perceived in a low-energy state (which I am in 90% of the time).

A couple of weeks ago, I visited one of the community's well known inner-game gurus. I tried to give out a good impression and be nice, fun, cool, etc. But even then, I later found out he thought I was giving him an "attitude" and was so***** trying to outalpha him.

Again, I was stunned... so I emailed him to clarify the issue. Here is the response I got:

"The thing is, you just need to come out of your serious shell and PLAY more.. this means making yourself VULNERABLE, and people can feel more easy around you. In a sense, you are "too perfect" and i sense that you are afraid of getting amogged or made to look bad in any way, so you play a "better safe than sorry" game instead of just playing, having fun, and honoring your inner dork."

He was ****ing spot-on... that is what I need to work on.

I have absolutely no clue how to overcome this hurdle... the way I am has so "become" me over the years. It is completely and utterly unconscious at this point. I don't hate anyone and I KNOW that I am a good guy (even though I have been have some guilt issues recently).

I guess I'm posting this to see if anyone else has had the same problem and has overcome it. Or if anyone has some general input for me... I would really appreciate it.

Thanks guys.

 

[Vypros]

Just admitting that you have this problem is huge.

Now, you have to begin to change it. This will take a lot of conscious effort at first because you are going to have to interupt your "natural", rude responses and replace them with fun or nicer comments.

I agree with the guy's advice for you though. Time to view everything as another way to have fun. Adopt this attitude and you'll grow in leaps and bounds.

Also, analyze the things you are doing. Like music. What do you listen to? Is it "angry" music? Go through your CD collection and really look at what the lyrics are and see if it's congruent with how you WANT to be. If it isn't, get rid of it and replace it with something that IS. What are you watching on TV? do the same with that and all areas of your life.

 

[jlr12584]

perhaps working out and turning into a bad boy persona has made girls intimidated by you. you hear guys claim "oh im so hot girls ask me out." yes, they may ask them out, but because they only find them cute. its like this, when you see a gorgeous girl, ur gonna think oh **** she'd never go out with me. u see a cute girl and u think hey i have a chance. girls are the same way, except with even lower self esteem. if u started working out its not like u'd get less hot, so just expect ur gonna have to do the work but maybe tone down the attitude.

 

[TryAndReadBetween]

Just admitting that you have this problem is huge.

Now, you have to begin to change it. This will take a lot of conscious effort at first because you are going to have to interupt your "natural", rude responses and replace them with fun or nicer comments.

I agree with the guy's advice for you though. Time to view everything as another way to have fun. Adopt this attitude and you'll grow in leaps and bounds.

Also, analyze the things you are doing. Like music. What do you listen to? Is it "angry" music? Go through your CD collection and really look at what the lyrics are and see if it's congruent with how you WANT to be. If it isn't, get rid of it and replace it with something that IS. What are you watching on TV? do the same with that and all areas of your life.

I don't listen to any "angry" music. Being a musician, I'm actually able to analyze it a bit more thoroughly and have greater appreciation for the broad styles. Same goes for TV and whatever else... I do not have any angry thoughts. I do not "say" anything rude to people when I talk to them... I consider myself on the complete opposite spectrum of an angry goth/emo. I overanalyze things more than anything else. I think it's more in the way I say things then WHAT I say... I am under the impression that it looks like (from their point of view) that I would rather be doing anything else than talking to them.

 

[TryAndReadBetween]

One a side note... smiling alot DURING the conversation alleviates the problem a whole lot but ONLY if I'm high energy (like jacked on caffeine or something)... otherwise it comes across as a bit incongruent. I guess I should also point out that the pitch of my voice is pretty low.

 

[naes]

Wow, this describes pretty much how it's been for me. I've gotten so wrapped up in the DJ **** that I became an a-hole (even though I don't mean it to be). I guess I took the "be a man" attitude to extremes and decided that I was too good for any chick that might not like me.

 

[Vypros]

I don't listen to any "angry" music. Being a musician, I'm actually able to analyze it a bit more thoroughly and have greater appreciation for the broad styles. Same goes for TV and whatever else... I do not have any angry thoughts. I do not "say" anything rude to people when I talk to them... I consider myself on the complete opposite spectrum of an angry goth/emo. I overanalyze things more than anything else. I think it's more in the way I say things then WHAT I say... I am under the impression that it looks like (from their point of view) that I would rather be doing anything else than talking to them.

It's funny how you focused on that one word..."angry", and judging by your reply you missed my point.

The point is that you need to take an introspective look at yourself and your habits and see if there is anything causing these negative actions.

 

[floydtheater07]

Hmm, I've had a relatively similar experience which has, as you can guess, sucked, and it's cool to know I'm not the only one. I used to be an uber-nerd who didn't care if people saw me that way. Now, I'm over-compensating and, as a result denying my own personality. And what are we when we are not ourselves? That's right, boring and cold.


Just be conscious of it. Each day, write a reminder to alter your behavior on a small slip of paper and keep it in your pocket. At first it may seem unnatural, but as you integrate it into your everyday life, it will become easy. Seems to work for me well enough so far.

 

[knglerxt]

High school girls must be more aggressive now than they were when I was in school.