Small Field Report and Game Theory

[Deep Dish]

Four months ago, I met a cute girl sitting at the bar of a really good, popular restaurant. It was only brief, she was leaving, I was arriving, but I tossed in some good game. I had a girlfriend at the time, who I dumped two weeks later.

A funny thing happened yesterday. I went back to the restaurant, for the first time in four months. An old woman in her 50’s chatted me up, after noticing my motorcycle helmet and DSLR camera. (Props are great for game.) After maybe five or ten minutes of friendly banter, guess who sits down between us, the cute girl.

Turns out they’re friends.

I listened in on their conversation for a few minutes, learned the girl is a hair stylist, but I was just about to leave, so as I grabbed my stuff, the older woman said to the cute girl, “And this guy is into photography.” Not only did I disarm a Mother Hen, by coincidence, but I turned her into an ally.

The cute girl turns around, looks at me, and says, playfully, “Oh I know you.” I really didn’t expect her to remember a stranger from a very brief encounter four months ago, but I’ll go with it. In another turn of coincidence, she told me she’s seen me “hundreds” of times and even told me of a small art gallery bar that I, in fact, love to visit on occasion. The art gallery is near a salon, and she’s a hair stylist.

She made sure to tell me her name not once but twice, and I didn’t even ask. I told her that the next time I see her, I’ll be sure to say hello. I didn’t ask for her number, but that’s for next time, since she’s a regular.

Now, how all this relates to game.

The Mere Exposure Effect

In psychology there’s a phenomenon known as the Mere Exposure Effect. It basically states that the more we are exposed to something the more we come to like it. This applies equally to both objects and people. Thus, there is some benefit to simply hanging around or being near a girl that you’re attracted to.

If you two have a class together, if she sits near you at work, if you often see her at the gym, all these exposures are working to your advantage. The first time she ever saw you, she might have thought you were a 5 on a 10 point scale. But after seeing you repeatedly at the gym, she might now rate you an 8 or 9. And you haven’t really done anything.

Isn’t this a marvelous world?

http://www.sosuave.com/quick/tip29.htm
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There’s also a video by AFC Adam about picking up bartenders, which explains, relatedly:

Step 1: You have to become a regular in the bar.

In 2006, Miller, the psychologist, did a massive study and they realized familiarity, or something known as the Mere Exposure Effect, had drastic consequences in terms of attraction. The more comfortable someone is around you, the more they saw you, the more attractive they became.

So if you’re just going to walk into a random bar as a random Joe, your chance of success are that much lower. So, become a regular. Go to the same bar over and over again; get on first name terms with the bartender and then at that point you’re ready to start moving things further, taking things up to the next level.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w2af01A51NU​

 

[TheException]

I told her that the next time I see her, I’ll be sure to say hello. I didn’t ask for her number, but that’s for next time, since she’s a regular

Why? Why in the he11 would you not go for the phone number? Really think you dropped the ball here...ask for her number, then ask out to art museum then drinks/dinner....should have been a slam dunk.

It basically states that the more we are exposed to something the more we come to like it.

From my personal experience this "phenomena" does not hold true. "In studies of interpersonal attraction, the more often a person is seen by someone, the more pleasing and likeable that person appears to be." Perhaps seen(with high social proof) and not interacting with the girl. But I dont belong to the camp that believes if you just hover around or keep running into a girl without progressing it forward, she will just magically be attracted to you.

 

[Deep Dish]

It’s an open deal and, until the deal is sealed, there’s the risk of losing an opportunity. But while not reaching for the digits wasn’t ideal, I’m not worried about it. You have to strike when the iron is hot, but you also have to respect the momentum, fit the spirit of the times.

Hovering around the periphery of a girl’s life, without progressing it forward, is a recipe for disaster. You can’t stay in the comfort stage for too long, which dissipates energy, but you also can’t skip it, either. I should have spent some more time before actually leaving, which would have given me more momentum to number close.

 

[Wolfgang D]

Deep Dish, congrats! On approaching her successfully the first time, on winning over the older woman, on gaining her interest. Sounds good. It is better to not ask for the number if you know she is interested, she is a regular and you are going to see her again. This way you have shown that you can take it or leave it, that you don't need to chase an attractive girl as soon as you have the opportunity. Next time you can go further.

Gaining someone else's approval is really an excellent way of getting closer to a girl - women survive through other people, so they listen to other people. That is why a guy should talk to her friends. When a girl I know brought her two friends to our first date (she texted for permission first), I didn't like it, but I kept the date short and spent a lot of it talking to the friends, who were smiling happily. It worked.

I understand what you mean about the exposure effect. For those who misunderstand this, it is not about hovering around her, it is about being where she sees you often. You are sitting in the same coffee shop doing your own thing, not constantly trying to get her attention, that's the difference.

 

[Slickster]

Great stuff DD!

I can't tell you how many times I've met cool chicks thru a chance meeting with some random person. This is why I always preach you should be chatting to and charming everyone. In the long run it works like compound interest.

I wouldn't sweat not getting her number right there. You will see her again and it sounds like the seed has been planted.