slow learner

[Tris]

Hey guys,

there's so much good advice here, so i'm back.

There's this girl i've know for a while, she had moved away... but now she's back and she text msg's me and we go out for coffee, unfortunately she knows i'm crazy about her, anyway we go for coffee have a few laughs and it seems things could be going well, i drop her off and she sends me a few more text msg's - so this happens 2 more times, out for coffee... so when i'm dropping her off i make a move and she kinda gets the hell out of there, later she msg'd me and said she wasn't expecting me to do that. I don't know what she was expecting.

So we had a great time the few times we were out, and agreed to go out on a REAL date.

We made plans for Sat night... i didn't hear from her all day, then she actually said she was stuck at her grandmothers (lol) yes she actually said that!

she sent me a msg saying she was finally home at 11:00pm kinda late for us to be getting ready to go anywhere, so i just said i'll give you a call.... she replied, just give me 10 minutes first. I obliged and gave her 30, when i called there was no answer, so i msg'd her back and said hey i just called.... there was no reply, so i was stood up.... i sent one more msg and it was -Ouch :/

so i tried one more msg the following day, still haven't heard a thing from her... she had mentioned she misplaces her phone sometimes, but after spending those few nights with her i could see she keeps that phone close, so i know it's bull****.

I don't get it, i want her... i thought she might be interested in me because we had such a good time laughing and flirting. She was sending me msg's a couple a day now its none and i haven't heard from her.... any advice?

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Yo TRIS,


Welcome BACK to the War, soldier. You have to keep your wits about you out here, man. What you seemed to have encountered was a woman who had low interest in you. She probably went out with you because she thought she could use you like a hobby, a pastime, or a last resort.

Not that she's an evil woman, bur rather just a woman who is not into you the way you need for her to be in order to justify continuing to see her. What she's doing now is dodging you in order to NOT have to say to your face that she's not REALLY interested in you.

I'd suggest that you NEXT her immediately and begin redoubling your efforts on finding more interested, more honest, and BETTER LOOKING women to date. And when you find one, make sure that you come across to her as a strong, masculine man who's very sensually and sexually confident. I'm not telling you to try to rape the chick, I'm just saying that at least by the end of the second date, make sure that you at least go in for the kiss.

What you're trying to do is ERASE all question marks from her mind AND YOURS. Women are not stupid----but SOME of them like to pretend to be in order to not be honest about THEIR intentions towards YOU. By going in for the kiss, or making some other unmistakeable pass at her that demonstrates to her that "I wannabe your LOVER----not your mutherfukkin' FRIEND", you are creating a crisis situation:

And how she reacts to your physical pass at her (again, I'm not talking desperate rapist here, but rather confident ladies man) will determine HER true intentions towards you. By doing this, or something LIKE this, you will save yourself all kinds of money, time, headache, and heartache in the future.

Also, to answer your specific question of why this woman acted the way she did, just know that she was acting the role of a Flakey, Attention Whhore. Not saying that she IS one----just that her behavior leads me to believe that.

For more indepth information and explanations on this phenomena, please read these posts:

Post 1

Post 2

Post 3

Post 4

And keep your HEAD UP, soldier...we've ALL been there. Just get back out there IMMEDIATELY and find more, and BETTER women to occupy your "thought-life".


Peace....one day.

 

[MacAvoy]

Hey Tris, welcome back.

Victory pretty much gave you a bang up post. However the only thing I'd add is that your likely in the friend zone, which is why she pulled away and said that she wasn't expecting that. I'll also explain the psychology behind why she agreed to go on a real date with you but later flaked. Interceptor was right, it was because of low interest.

However the reason she did it this way is because women don't like confrontation and it makes a women actually feel bad if she has to tell a guy she doesn't like him. So what does she do, she finds a back door so she doesn't have to do it. She agrees to it, then she goes about to ditch you another way, or make you ditch her so that she doesn't feel bad.

 

[reset]

....

 

[Phyzzle]

...

 

[MotownMack]

I can't add much more than what VU said, just next her.

No friendship (at least not for a while, until you've got other stuff going on, if at all), no text messages, no contact. I have a standing policy, that if I am interested in a girl, that interest is expressed, and it's not reciprocated, she is removed from my life. It's that simple. It's not a punishment, it's just not done out of bitterness, it's just what's best for both parties. That way, she does not need to concern herself with a tightrope act in trying to make sure she doesn't convey anything that you might think is interest - and you don't have to worry about becoming her emotional dumping ground, which for some reason, always seems to happen when situations go down like this.

Additionally, whether they are aware of it or not- I've noticed some girls, when they know you like them and they're not interested, will try to keep you around as an "orbiter". Don't be an orbiter, you deserve better than that.

Cut the cord.

 

[jophil28]

Hey guys,

... but now she's back and she text msg's me and we go out for coffee, unfortunately she knows i'm crazy about her, anyway we go for coffee have a few laughs and it seems things could be going well, i drop her off and she sends me a few more text msg's - so this happens 2 more times, out for coffee...

Ok Tris - first read VUs post a few more time , print it out and read it tomorrow first thing afew mores times. VU has a skill at getting down to the layer where the truth is.

I want to add-
She is newly back in town, and you somehow, are her only male connection at this time. You are "escort" guy and a handy accessory to her right now because she can re-enter the social scene by hanging out with ,and casually dating, you.
Secondly how does she KNOW that you are crazy about her. ?
PLease tell me that you did not say so to her face ??

In summary - Prodigal Chick returns home - texted guy who she KNOWS is nuts for her. Prodigal chick wants to get back into the social whirl but does not openly say so ( women rarely declare their intentions ). Who better to be her predictable and reliable escort around town than a guy who is NUTS about her?
Guy makes kissy move, but chick recoils - why ? Because the guy has just stepped out of the 'role ' that prodigal chick chose for him -ie, friend and escort ONLY.

Tris, you were signed up without you realising it.

NEXT her before this thread turns into another 30 page saga.

 

[guru1000]

I can't add much more than what VU said, just next her.

No friendship (at least not for a while, until you've got other stuff going on, if at all), no text messages, no contact. I have a standing policy, that if I am interested in a girl, that interest is expressed, and it's not reciprocated, she is removed from my life. It's that simple. It's not a punishment, it's just not done out of bitterness, it's just what's best for both parties. That way, she does not need to concern herself with a tightrope act in trying to make sure she doesn't convey anything that you might think is interest - and you don't have to worry about becoming her emotional dumping ground, which for some reason, always seems to happen when situations go down like this.

Additionally, whether they are aware of it or not- I've noticed some girls, when they know you like them and they're not interested, will try to keep you around as an "orbiter". Don't be an orbiter, you deserve better than that.

Cut the cord.

This is GOLD.

Always JUDGE by her ACTIONS, never her WORDS.

This is the CLASSIC case of LOW IL.

Never expend your energies on LOW IL. PURSUE women who will PURSUE you.

A 0% Tolerance Policy is necessary to AVOID Low IL. This includes but is not limited to:

1) Never Text or Call until it is returned
2) One Flake is her LAST
3) She must show HIGH IL or she is GUILTY of low interest

This is said out of EXPERIENCE. A girl who has HIGH IL will ALWAYS make it KNOWN.

Most importantly, your TIME is VALUABLE. Who you CHOOSE to spend your TIME and RESOURCES on should be given careful consideration. The FOUNDATION of this consideration is HIGH IL.

If she does not OPEN the door, you CLOSE it.

 

[Mr.Positive]

I want to add-
She is newly back in town, and you somehow, are her only male connection at this time. You are "escort" guy and a handy accessory to her right now because she can re-enter the social scene by hanging out with ,and casually dating, you.
Secondly how does she KNOW that you are crazy about her. ?
PLease tell me that you did not say so to her face ??

In summary - Prodigal Chick returns home - texted guy who she KNOWS is nuts for her. Prodigal chick wants to get back into the social whirl but does not openly say so ( women rarely declare their intentions ). Who better to be her predictable and reliable escort around town than a guy who is NUTS about her?
Guy makes kissy move, but chick recoils - why ? Because the guy has just stepped out of the 'role ' that prodigal chick chose for him -ie, friend and escort ONLY.

Tris, you were signed up without you realising it.

NEXT her before this thread turns into another 30 page saga.

Great insight Jophil.

Also, never get involved in texting a gal...ever. No texting convos. If she texts you, you call her and speak to her.

A woman uses text messages to bait a hook and see if you'll bite. She tosses out a safe text message and waits for her victim to supplicate with a response.

Then she knows she's got you by the balls. She will then toy with you like a cat does mouse, eat you up, spit you out. Game over.

 

[Tris]

wow! you guys are so bang on man... i mean, it's like so accuarate.

I didn't tell her i was crazy about her face to face, it was a mutual friend who who had told her, and she's known it for a while.

How she weasled out of the date and everything is just like you guys said. It's tough to think i've screwed this up, i thought she was a good one.

The advice is awesome, now to just do it. Thanks fellas.

 

[jophil28]

The advice is awesome, now to just do it. Thanks fellas.

OK , what are you going to do next?

 

[Tris]

I've felt like this girl was the one, the one i didn't want to get away. I've had these crazy feelings for her for 4 years, she's always been in the back of my mind... i didn't think i'd ever have a chance since she'd been away, of course when she msg'd me i nearly blew my load... there's always been something about her, i've never even so much as liked a girl in 10 years and then this one came along. I know, Oneitis. Is that always wrong? I mean is it wrong to go after the one you really feel you want?

Just reading through the posts tell me to forget about her or feel miserable for god knows how long, I've even been sick to my stomach over it... lol

in my head i just wanna get her, but in my heart i know i'm wasting my time and it really sucks, i don't wanna be a fool... i'm sure everyone goes through this, it's actually my first time.

I know for my own state of mind i have to forget about having her because she's not interested in me the way that i want, i'd like if things were different but they aren't, the advice i've gotten in these posts all points to the same thing, forget her and move on.

It's only been a couple of days now since i last talked to her, and i haven't heard from her, i haven't msg'd her or attempted to contact her and later in the evenings it starts bugging me, i just want her.

It's actually going to be tough like i'm sure some of you guys know having gone through it, and i guess some of us learn some of us don't. Some of the best advice you don't wanna hear because you know it's true.

you guys i'm sure now already i won't hear from her, and i'm getting that msg

 

[MacAvoy]

She might be a great women, but she's a great women who isn't interested in you sexually. Why do you want to love someone who doesn't have the same interest in you?

 

[MotownMack]

Well, what I can tell you is that when you start meeting with other girls, your obsession with her will fade, and you will see things totally differently. You will probably laugh about it to, when you realize how big of a pedestal you were putting her on, and all the things that you now see that really not so great, that you didnt see back then.

I could love 100 girls. Seriously. There is no "one". That's all BS. Some don't work out for various reasons, and some will, but there are plenty of other girls out there that you will like just as much if not better. Trust me on this.

This stuff gets easier, man. But not until you get out there and start doing it.
Get out there and start meeting some woman with the attitude that they will come and go while you get some experience in dealing with them. Don't look for a girl friend-just date for a while.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Yo Tris,


MAC, is right. And so is EVERY OTHER man who has posted in your thread. And as you have just posted yourself: YOU know that the advice that's been given to you here is correct.

What you're dealing with here is an apprehension or an unwillingness to go through the unplugging process of disengaging from your "unhealthy, one-sided, unreciprocated relationship" with this woman (I've just given you yet another definition of ONEitis, by the way).

This came about because you have discovered (like MANY of us here) that the "feelings" that some people mistakenly call "love" can really sometimes be emotional obsession instead. How does this happen? By continuing to fantasize, and create images of WHO that other person (this particular woman) is in your mind-----as opposed to actually looking at her through the lens of objectivity and rationality.

Don't misunderstand me, I KNOW that LOVE is real, because I have experienced it, and have seen and felt the effects OF it. But what you have discovered the hard way is that what most people call "falling in love" is something that's often NOT experienced while they're in the presence of that person------but rather, while they're AWAY from that person------daydreaming, meditating, and fantasizing ABOUT them.

So in effect, you have not gotten addicted to the woman herself, but to the made up image of her that you have created in your own mind.

Stop worhipping this woman. She has become a FALSE IDOL to you. And just like a graven image, what she actually only offers to your life is an emptiness, a hollowness, and a deep sense of UNfulfillment that consumes your thoughts.

Free yourself from this mental and emotional slavery by doing the things we have suggested----the things that you ALREADY know you should be doing.

You MUST break the cycle of having this uninterested woman running through your mind. Work on strengthening your INNER man-----because THIS is more important than ANYTHING else. Work on discovering what it is about YOU that drives you to put on pedestals women who DO NOT return your sincere interest in them. And, as soon as "yesterday", GO OUT AND FIND MORE, AND BETTER WOMEN to occupy your mind. And by "better" I mean women who have a reciprical interest in YOU.

And lastly, you must deprogram yourself from falling for the popularized notions that society usually puts forth about "soul mates" and "quality women". They are ultimately misleading. But to go to the other extreme is ALSO equally misleading as well. In fact, there are probably some men HERE, that are so turned off by these overly romanticized concepts that they have actually rejected the existence of these notions OUTRIGHT.

However, there is another way of defining these terms that tends to make more sense in the real world that we are living in. There is a way of defining these terms that is far more rational----and entirely more realistic than many have actually taken the time to seriously consider.

I believe your problem may lie in your inability to recognize what a quality woman "for you" really IS, and I also think you definitely need to work on fine-tuning, and listening to, your Internal Alarm System more. You must learn to pursue what's in your ultimate best interest (when it does NOT maliciously infringe upon the well-being of others)-----and you must begin learning how to let your inner peace act as your guide when it comes to evaluating, choosing, and cultivating RIGHT relationships with women.

IF you think you're ready, then get started HERE!

I know this shyt is ROUGH, man----but we're all rooting for you.:rockon:



Peace...TODAY.

 

[Tris]

i had to edit this for potentiontial misinterpretation or however you spell it, thanks!!

 

[Tris]

got a text msg from her yesterday evening.

A shiver went up my spine as i looked at the phone, opened it and saw who the msg was from, with nervousness i slowly opened the msg and it read:

(Just got my new phone, sorry about that)

??? no mention of anything else, nothing about the flake nothing about nothing. I wanted to msg back but i didn't bother... I now know it's BS.

The fact she sent me that last msg, now makes me feel better not msg'n her back... and it actually felt like i was in control. I think i can do this.

 

[MacAvoy]

Next time, I would strongly consider deleting the text without even reading it. Look at what problems the improper communication led to last time. If she truly is sincere and wants to apologize and make up for it, she'll have the decency to call you.

If she can't even do that, then IMO, she's not worth your time. Sending a txt to apologize is the farthest thing from sincere IMO.

 

[ThunderMaverick]

"Just got my new phone, sorry about that"

Meaning "I'm sorry I consciously typed in each letter to spell out this sentence to you because I want you to talk to me and be my friend because I WANT a FRIENDSHIP WITH YOU and [size=+1]NOTHING MORE"!?!?!?[/size]


Women can be so inconsiderate of a man's needs and feelings, can't they? You should give her a link to this site so she'll have a clue on how MEN work.

 

[decades]

got a text msg from her yesterday evening.

A shiver went up my spine as i looked at the phone, opened it and saw who the msg was from, with nervousness i slowly opened the msg and it read:

(Just got my new phone, sorry about that)

??? no mention of anything else, nothing about the flake nothing about nothing. I wanted to msg back but i didn't bother... I now know it's BS.

The fact she sent me that last msg, now makes me feel better not msg'n her back... and it actually felt like i was in control. I think i can do this.

just toying with you...wanting to see if her"catch" has wriggled off her hook yet. The jury is still out on that one.