Originally posted by RKTek
Awareness of a problem is already half the solution.
You're aware of the problem, which means you're ahead of the game. Awareness promotes action. Action promotes change. It won't happen overnight, but your awareness IS your tool.
Many guys haven't even gotten as far as you have, so be thankful for knowing yourself to the point of being able to articulate things.
It'll take time, and a bit of pain, but as the Marine's say "Pain is weakness leaving the body".
HOO-rah.
You're right. Knowing is half the battle, and it's good that I'm aware that I can improve myself. Some people slug through their entire lives stuck in the Evil Arts of AFC. I just feel like a hermit. My mom just underwent surgery, and I can't get my driver's license because of my broken toe, nor can I lift (that's how I kept the pictures moving, so to speak). My best bud's wrapped up with his g/f and suddenly never has any time for me except on his way back from her house-- and even then he bores the bejesus out of me.
My other good buddy has a job working a Snowball stand and lives about 10 miles away, so we only see each other every so often. As it stands, it's me, myself, and machines. Luckily, good folks such as yourself keep me from bouncing off the walls and frothing at the mouth.
Originally posted by Ser_i
as said above "awareness of the issues" is a good thing. analyse what you are doing right and wrong, and remind yourself everytime you catch yourself doing something not DJ or you do something that is indeed DJ style
I've introduced 2 friends of mine to this site, and explained them the concept of the Alpha male, now everytime we bust a move around women, we comment on each others action, if you do something stupid or a friend does something stupid we say Omega. if they or you do something good the word Alpha can be heard... it's just us guys reminding each other and letting us know what we are doing. and women don't understand **** when we say those 2 words...
Aye, awareness is good. However, it doesn't help when all my friends think that "learning" how to deal with women is...dishonorable. I think I set ONE friend on the right path, but he's more of a casual friend, so we don't talk much.
Since I don't have any wingmen for navigation, I just mentally rehearse things and try to become my 'ideal self' as best I can.
Originally posted by stormwriter
Duke,
That was my situation too. I studied here for a few months, then went out and hit the dating scene, and didn't apply half the things i learned, which disappointed me greatly. I told myself i was going to adhere to these major principles:
- talk less/be more mysterious
- use more eye contact
- end calls/dates early
- let them pay for their half during dinner/drinks
- don't compliment them
- don't give them a direct answer, unless it's NO.
Those are some healthy guidelines, and I really adhered to them when I was riding the sosuave gravy-train-- they worked, too! Especially talking less. It seems like when you say less, people feel the need to say more to compensate. For me this amounted to girls starting up conversations with me when I was normally the first to say "hey" as soon as they entered a room.
But I have a harder time recalling all that stuff nowadays. For a while it was becoming second nature, but it's as if I recently got Alzheimer's Disease.
I'll find myself unconsciously avoiding eye contact, and then a few minutes later, I'll become aware of the fact (Conscious Incompetence?) and get angry with myself. Then after I realize the problem, I make eye contact, but it's forced because I'm tensed up, and I get performance anxiety. Like I said, it doesn't feel natural.
Originally posted by stormwriter
So, i'm now aware that i need to work on some things. I'm narrowing my scope though, and working on key issues. I'm so analytical about my life, and i'm very willing to make adjustments.
So, Duke, can you go on some dates to see what areas you need work on? You need to test yourself and figure out your strong and weak points, and work on the weak points, and praise yourself for what you are doing CORRECTLY.
Like you Duke, i have had lifelong bouts of negative self talk. Man, it's VERY HARD to quell that. I even turn GOOD THINGS into negative things. More than half my dates last week were successful, and the girls liked me and want to go out on another date, but my negative self talk still makes me feel unsuccessful.
So, don't take yourself too seriously to the point where you are bumming yourself out, making things worse.
It's good that you have a check-list of sorts. I made one myself where I listed all my faults and good points.
Like I said above, I feel like a hermit right now. I'm somewhat disabled by a broken toe and the inability to get a ride anywhere.
My #1 prospective chick is at a summer camp now, but when she gets back I'll see if she's up for anything. Perhaps the distance and time will make her appreciate seeing me again.
I know all too well how hard the negative self talk is to squelch. Its good to know I'm not alone. And I can't help but wonder if there was some impetus to the negative self talk-- something that lit the fuse and f*cked up my subconscious mind. Maybe addressing what caused the negative thoughts can help to eradicate them?
Originally posted by stormwriter
If you don't show people your insecurities and your negative self talk, then they have no idea what's going on inside you. So, just pretend your best to be happy and fun, even though you don't feel that way inside, which leads me to one of your comments:
>>I have trouble feeling "natural" in social situations
Can other people tell? Do they say, "dude, check out that Duke guy... he doesn't look "natural" when he's out with us..."
What are you doing that appears "unnatural"? Is it just the way you feel? Maybe you don't feel like you can take part in conversations, or tell a good story. Might be something to work on. Maybe go out more, and force yourself to practice getting more social.
What RKTek and Ser_i are saying reminds me of something i learned in Sociology class:
Conscious Incompetence = doing something wrong, and being aware that you are doing something wrong
Unconscious Incompetence = (you can figure the rest out) etc.
Conscious Competence = etc.
Unconscious Competence = etc...
Stormwriter, I try to be happy. I try the "fake it til you make it" method. But it never works for me. To me, being happy is more important than looking happy. But the two go together hand-in-hand. If I try to be happy, it's like I'm smile for a camera. It's not genuine, it doesn't feel genuine, and it comes off as forced.
Know the kind of smile you get right after a good joke? Right after a buddy tells you a really funny story? The kind of smile that stays on your face for a long time after the joke is over? That is the kind of happiness that I had not so long ago. That is the kind of happiness that I seek.
I don't know if it's a talent or a habit, but I have the ability to easily SEE myself outside my body. In other words, I can detach myself from whereever I am and see the situation and the people in it (including myself) as a whole.
I'll give you an example of what I mean when I say I don't feel natural.
I rented a movie a few nights ago from Blockbuster. The clerk is a really cute gal and she has this upbeat quality about her. She asks me how I'm doing. I respond a bit sluggishly, "Ah, just tryin' to kill the time." Which is true because of my injury, but the way I said it made me sound pathetic. Self-talk intervenes: "Omg, don't you have a life?"
Clerk responds, "That's good."
At this point, I just want to get my movie and get out of there because I feel completely OFF my game.
Clerk continues, "So when does school start for you?"
I reply, "Ah, hm, not really sure... I haven't checked the calendar. Beginning of next month I think. I try not to think about it."
I felt so robotic. Anyone could have said what I said, ya know? Where is the personality?
I find that a lot of my responses tend to get "Ah"s or "I see"s.
I suppose I need to become more adept at leading the conversation.
Feeling unnatural for me amounts to feeling like I'm stilted. I feel feel out of place and out of time. Subconsciously people notice. As evidenced by one of my friends, a girl I had just met thought I was "acting weird."
For a while, when I was riding the SoSuave gravy-train, I felt on top of my game. I felt natural, and I could easily adapt and go with the flow. But now it's as if all that time I invested in self-improvement is whittling away. I need to stop it somehow.
Thank you guys for all of your responses! It means a lot to me.
