Sketchy Situation w/ GF..Advice Needed

[WORKEROUTER]

I've been dating my gf for about three months now. I consider her to be in general a pretty good, trustworthy girl. She was a virgin before I met her, didn't seem like an attention wh*re, etc.

Recently, she's turned 21. There's this one guy she hangs out with, who I don't really trust. They go out to bars together (in groups) and hang out. She claims he's "just a friend." I've never really cared about the whole thing until recently.

This guy comes into her place late at night while we were hanging out (along with some other people) wondering if she wanted to join an afterparty with him. Obviously she didn't because she was with me.

Anyway, I told her quite bluntly I felt the whole situation was pretty sketchy with him coming over so late and wanting to take her out. She comforted me by claiming they were just friends and so on, and telling me not to worry about anything. I do trust her, and am not saying that I think anything is going on at the moment.

However, as they do hang out together, go out to bars (I'm not 21 yet, so I can't go), and so on, I have this bad gut feeling that this sketchy situation has the potential to become more problematic.

This feeling has been intensified by feeling that my gf has been acting more of a b*tch lately to me.

Anyway, I'm not sure the best way to handle this situation right now. I already feel like I've illustrated insecurity and possibly lost some power in this relationship by becoming angry over the whole situation tha that happened. Was I justified in questioning her about it? And as of now, what would be the best thing to do now? Basically, I feel that her and this guy could create a problem.

I know that ultimately, if she wants to cheat, she will. I'm not trying to stop anything, but more trying to figure out the best way for me to act in a time like this.

And I'm not really that "attached" to this girl. I've still been seeing plenty of girls on the side and have girls right now who I could hook up with at anytime. But still, I would like to have a successful relationship with my gf.

 

[Wyldfire]

There is a very good chance that the guy is interested in more than friendship. With that being said...your g/f views him as a friend. Take a minute and think about what you read here about guys who attempt to use friendship as a way to get romantically involved with a woman. They don't usually succeed because by the time they make a move the woman already sees them as a friend and doesn't want to risk the friendship. If you are doing your job as a b/f you have nothing to worry about. If you are slacking...you need to amp it up.

You must NOT behave in a jealous way in this situation. This guy is counting on you acting jealous because that will allow him an "in" with your girlfriend. Guys who go after another man's girlfriend do this all the time. Here's how it plays out...he will behave in a way that would normally make the boyfriend suspect he's trying to get into his girlfriend's pants. The girl is oblivious because she's not a guy and is able to just be friends with a guy without being interested in sex. This guy gets you insecure and questioning things so you end up fighting with your g/f over him. Because she isn't interested in him and hasn't done anything wrong...all the arguing leaves her feeling disillusioned with you and questioning your relationship because you don't trust her. Guess who is right there offering comfort, understanding and egging her on with doubting you and your relationship? That's right...that very guy who is trying to get into your girl's pants. The fighting escalates and before you know it...he gives her a hug when she's crying and goes in to kiss her. In her confused and upset state...she doesn't stop him...and he wins.

Don't let this guy use you as a tool to steal your g/f. Your best course of action is telling her straight up that although you trust her, you suspect this guy is trying to get into her pants by trying to make you jealous and suspicious so that you and her fight. Explain to her that there is a good chance he's trying to weasle enough of an opening to mess with her head, make her doubt her relationship with you and make a move on her. By doing this you'll cut him off at the knees and his little plot won't work because your girlfriend will already be watching for him to do it, he won't be able to catch her off guard and she'll resist his plan. Not only this...but by throwing a wrench in his little game you will catch him off guard and it will be him that starts acting insecure, jealous and it will turn her off and make sure she has no attraction or interest in him at all.

You should also come up with ways to get her to choose not to go out and to stay with you instead. That might mean inviting her to go catch a movie or share a sundae or whatever...but if you give her something fun to do with you instead of going to the bar she'll go out around that guy a lot less.

 

[WORKEROUTER]

Right on wyldfire.

I did do as much as tell her how I feel about him having deeper intentions than just being "friends," although I think I told her a little too bluntly and aggressive.

I'll "amp it up" as you say and in this way, will do my best to reconcile the issue.

I guess the real "fear" I had was really her beginning to desire this guy sexually. That is really rooted in my own insecurity, however, and ultimately something I can't control.

 

[Bourne]

That is really rooted in my own insecurity, however, and ultimately something I really can't control.

I'm sorry Workerouter, but I don't believe that you won't be able to control that.

Wyldfire have good advice.

 

[WORKEROUTER]

I'm sorry Workerouter, but I don't believe that you won't be able to control that.

If you're talking about my own self, of course I can control that (and is really what needs to be controlled here).

I was referring to my gf acting out with this guy.

 

[Wyldfire]

Right on wyldfire.

I did do as much as tell her how I feel about him having deeper intentions than just being "friends," although I think I told her a little too bluntly and aggressive.

I'll "amp it up" as you say and in this way, will do my best to reconcile the issue.

I guess the real "fear" I had was really her beginning to desire this guy sexually. That is really rooted in my own insecurity, however, and ultimately something I can't control.

Bottom line...this guy is trying to force you into appearing weak and insecure to your girlfriend. No matter how crazy it's making you inside you NEED to keep your cool. Do NOT let this joker cause you to fight with your girlfriend because that's exactly what he's trying to do. You can't play into his hand like that. Stay calm, and tease your girlfriend about the guy in a way that makes HIM look pathetic for being to insecure to just tell her his intentions. Laugh it off, call him a pansy or whatever...portray him as too scared to do anything and make it clear to her that you do NOT feel threatened by this guy. Behave like you KNOW you are far better than he is...that confidence in yourself will make you even more valuable to her.

I know this won't be easy...but this is exactly how you HAVE to deal with this kind of challenge in order to come out on top.

 

[Bourne]

If you're talking about my own self, of course I can control that (and is really what needs to be controlled here).

I was referring to my gf acting out with this guy.

Got it. In that case I agree.

 

[WORKEROUTER]

Bottom line...this guy is trying to force you into appearing weak and insecure to your girlfriend. No matter how crazy it's making you inside you NEED to keep your cool. Do NOT let this joker cause you to fight with your girlfriend because that's exactly what he's trying to do. You can't play into his hand like that. Stay calm, and tease your girlfriend about the guy in a way that makes HIM look pathetic for being to insecure to just tell her his intentions. Laugh it off, call him a pansy or whatever...portray him as too scared to do anything and make it clear to her that you do NOT feel threatened by this guy. Behave like you KNOW you are far better than he is...that confidence in yourself will make you even more valuable to her.

I know this won't be easy...but this is exactly how you HAVE to deal with this kind of challenge in order to come out on top.

Definately.

One more question though. I feel that I lost a little control of myself and acted a bit insecure last night about the whole issue. What would be the best way to reconcile the issue now that I have already done that?

 

[JonJack]

Definately.

One more question though. I feel that I lost a little control of myself and acted a bit insecure last night about the whole issue. What would be the best way to reconcile the issue now that I have already done that?

Previously, I've asserted the need to apologize in situations such as these. To a lot, apologizing is like lowering one's self or giving away one's stature or power. It may certainly be true. However, if it does come to that, the girl you are apologizing to is a perfectly good waste of your time.

I do have to elaborate that the way in which you apologize is important. The whole idea behind apologizing is to make the other person understand that you realize that you've made some mistakes in the past and that you are fully aware of why you made those mistakes. You are apologizing because you are intelligent enough to take a step back, reflect and improve yourself. You apologize not because you want things to be better. You do so because you've thought about the issues and instead of coming to the conclusions that you are right and she is wrong, you've come to the conclusion that you were the one that did certain things that you shouldn't have.

The main reason why apologizing is such a frowned upon action is because most people associate it with just trying to appease the other person. Apologizing should never be used to appease someone. It is used to explain your understanding of your past actions. Come to think of it, I suggest just explaining to her about what you've come to realize about your actions. You don't really have to say sorry. Although I have a strong feeling she'll come to expect that exact word from you.

 

[Wyldfire]

Definately.

One more question though. I feel that I lost a little control of myself and acted a bit insecure last night about the whole issue. What would be the best way to reconcile the issue now that I have already done that?

You can't change what has already happened. All you can do is keep yourself in control from here on out. The best you can do to recover is to admit that you were frustrated last night and chalk it up to the frustration happening because you were trying to explain the game this guy is trying to play with your relationship and you just weren't finding the words to explain what you were thinking and it was pissing you off. If you really think you came off in a bad light and there is a way to take this angle, that's the best way to do it that I can think of off hand.

 

[Wyldfire]

Previously, I've asserted the need to apologize in situations such as these. To a lot, apologizing is like lowering one's self or giving away one's stature or power. It may certainly be true. However, if it does come to that, the girl you are apologizing to is a perfectly good waste of your time.

I do have to elaborate that the way in which you apologize is important. The whole idea behind apologizing is to make the other person understand that you realize that you've made some mistakes in the past and that you are fully aware of why you made those mistakes. You are apologizing because you are intelligent enough to take a step back, reflect and improve yourself. You apologize not because you want things to be better. You do so because you've thought about the issues and instead of coming to the conclusions that you are right and she is wrong, you've come to the conclusion that you were the one that did certain things that you shouldn't have.

The main reason why apologizing is such a frowned upon action is because most people associate it with just trying to appease the other person. Apologizing should never be used to appease someone. It is used to explain your understanding of your past actions. Come to think of it, I suggest just explaining to her about what you've come to realize about your actions. You don't really have to say sorry. Although I have a strong feeling she'll come to expect that exact word from you.

Absolutely...workerouter...if you were out of line and handled yourself badly in a way that was unfair to your girlfriend you should definitely apologize for letting your frustration get the better of you. Don't apologize for your thoughts or feelings...only any bad behavior you may have exhibited.

 

[Wyldfire]

She's cheating on you sorry.


007

I don't think she is cheating on him...but I do think it will lead to that or a breakup if he isn't able to maintain his composure. The guy is doing the "befriend the girl to make her fall for me" routine. He's probably still building up the courage to even begin to hint interest.

 

[WORKEROUTER]

Thanks for the advice everyone.

In past relationships, I've fallen into the mistake of losing my compusure, becoming insecure and jealous, interrogating my gf, and ultimately destroying the relationship and losing her to another man.

I've been doing well with my current gf until recently. There's only one thing that I can do here, and that's to be the better man, which I am, by maintaining control over myself.

I won't be oblivious to the situation, but at the same time, I'll make sure I maintain control of how I respond to it.

Regardless of what happens, my reaction to this situation is really a test directed towards me and my confidence in myself.

 

[Wyldfire]

She's cheating on you sorry. I personally wouldn't put myself in a situation like this. Meaning a girl that frequents clubs/bars without you (with other guys take a hint) might not be the best girlfriend material. At most I would MLTR her. Keep her if you want but don't become emotionally attatched to her. Get in the field and get more girls.

Or if you're the kind of guy who wants just one good girlfriend I suggest that she not be a club/bar girl. Many the girls I mess around with at bars/clubs have "boyfriends". I'm in the field and I see this firsthand. Bars and clubs are places designed to get hooked up. If you're girl is going there that's exactly what she's doing. And no.. girls don't go to clubs "just to dance".

Regarding wanting to have a successful relationship with ur girl.... There's an old Anti-Dump tip I think called "You don't build a relationship, you buy one." Check it out.


007

She just turned 21...and like every other freshly drinking age person...she wants to check out the bars she's been waiting all this time to get into. He's likely waiting for his chance, too.

If she were 24 and going to the bars without him it would probably be different...but she just turned legal drinking age and he's just not old enough to go with her yet, otherwish she's most likely want to go with him.

Please don't encourage him to behave in an insecure way...because if he does that it's going to cause him a lot of unnecessary grief.

 

[speedo_meme]

Workerrouter, listen to me man...

I agree with Wyldfire up to a certain point. I don't think you should talk about this with your gf. You should make yourself a little more unavailable, and build up some more attraction. I use a simple analogy...

The game is like the USC football team. You know you can't win with defense, but you have more than enough offensive weapons to win with. You CANNOT stop anything from happening. All you can do is work on yourself.

 

[Wyldfire]

Workerrouter, listen to me man...

I agree with Wyldfire up to a certain point. I don't think you should talk about this with your gf. You should make yourself a little more unavailable, and build up some more attraction. I use a simple analogy...

The game is like the USC football team. You know you can't win with defense, but you have more than enough offensive weapons to win with. You CANNOT stop anything from happening. All you can do is work on yourself.

Making himself more unavailable while another man is trying to get into his girlfriend's pants runs even more risks. She will feel neglected and unwanted if he does that and the other guy will be right there to comfort her while he puts his arm around her and tries to cop a feel.

I'm a very wise old gal. I've had many men try to pull this very same act on me...and because I do happen to think much like a dude I know exactly what the other guy is up to so I just stop him dead in his tracks because cheating is so far out of the level of behavior I expect from myself it's off the radar. I see guys pull this stunt all the time...and I've seen it work pretty effectively with a lot of women when the boyfriend is insecure and jealous. He can't act jealous in the face of this competition and he can't run away from it either...because it's a part of life that is going to come up time and time again. He needs to learn to effectively deal with it calmly and remind her why he's the man she wants to be with by stepping up to the challenge and giving her a reason to spend her time with him instead of going to the bar.

 

[speedo_meme]

If the girl is that utterly clueless, then she's not worth my time. She will ALWAYS be that way and workerouter needs to determine what he's willing to put up with.

 

[SoCalMike]

definitely cheating or will cheat

I wouldn't put up with this crap for even 2 seconds. How is keeping your cool gonna help? She'll just take that to mean you're a big p*ssy who will put up with her sluttish behaviour.

Listen my friend, like the other guy said, this is not LTR material here. If you want to put up with her nonsense just to (possibly) get some tail, that's your perogative.

But personally, I'd dump her hard and start looking elsewhere.

 

[SoCalMike]

And I'm not really that "attached" to this girl. I've still been seeing plenty of girls on the side and have girls right now who I could hook up with at anytime. But still, I would like to have a successful relationship with my gf.

I just noticed this part. Dude, what's the problem then? Dump her now and save yourself the headache.

 

[Wyldfire]

I wouldn't put up with this crap for even 2 seconds. How is keeping your cool gonna help? She'll just take that to mean you're a big p*ssy who will put up with her sluttish behaviour.

Listen my friend, like the other guy said, this is not LTR material here. If you want to put up with her nonsense just to (possibly) get some tail, that's your perogative.

But personally, I'd dump her hard and start looking elsewhere.

He didn't say anything that would indicate that his girlfriend is acting slutty. In fact, he said she was a virgin until him and that she is trustworthy. It's not his girlfriend that is pursuing the other guy...she views him as a friend. She's also young and naive (just recently lost her virginity) and has no clue what this guy is up to. It would be wrong for him to punish the girl for something some guy is doing.

Every woman of quality any man gets with will have other guys trying to lure her away from her boyfriend. This is a fact of life and is going to happen over and over again. You can't just jump ship and run away when some other guy challenges you. By doing that you are telling yourself AND that girl (and other guy) that you don't think you are the best man.