Situation with GF - does she have a valid point?

[Rounder]

Ugh - this got longer than I intended.

Girlfriend of a few months is bothered by a girl I am friends with, she is 39 but good looking for her age - I'll call her HB7. She is married to a guy who is 36, in good shape and pretty good looking. They have 2 kids.

This Saturday there is a Chili Cook Off downtown - basically a big drink fest. I have a group of newly acquired friends that are going and invited me. I say newly acquired because I got introduced to this group of people (about 15 to 20) in late October of last year. They are 35 to 40 in age and a lot of fun. I've hung out with them 4 to 5 times over the last few months.

HB7 seems to seek me out while the group is hanging out. She also makes comments on my photos on Facebook with some regularity. She will text me a couple times a week to say hey and see if I'm coming to the next get together.

We messaged back and forth in PMs on Facebook a while back and I made a comment about her being a "good girl" - because she has a twin and they all say she is the evil twin. She makes a comment back about me not knowing her very well and that she is far from "good". She also mentioned that if I'd known her back in her 20s I would have been shocked and I would not have been able to keep up.

Superbowl party - my girl and I had been out of town that weekend and were only back a couple hours before the party - my girl couldn't stay the entire time and had to get home after half. Early in the evening I found out a few of the couples in this group had gone to a sex toy party at someone's house. HB7 and another woman called me over to sit between them on the couch and started asking me about my girl. The convo drifted to sex and the toy party they went to - then to experiences, places, etc.

My girl and I both noticed that HB7 seems to show a lack of interest in her husband while they are out. They don't seem to show much love towards each other and HB7's husband stares at my girls cleavage (which is off the charts) a lot.

So HB7 will text me, she asked what I got my girl for V-day, how our Vday weekend was, etc. She said her and hubby had a good time out of town, etc. I think she texts a lot of people, she's got a Blackberry or similar phone.


Here was a text convo yesterday -

HB7: Saturday can't get here fast enough huh?
me: You really are excited about this thing aren't you?!
HB7: Well I get to see you right???
me: Can't blame you there!
HB7: I get to hang out with my friends and I really miss my friends!


My girl thinks HB7 is out for me...that HB7 is starting small but is clearly seeking attention and wants me to come on to her. She said "she might not make the first move, but she wants you to and if you do, she won't stop you".

So the Cook Off this weekend - my girl can't go due to some family obligations and she is jealous of HB7. She knows I'll be talking to her but there are a bunch of other people there as well.

Should my girl be jealous? Does she have a reason to be? Am I being naive about this situation? Her husband is (in my opinion anyway) considerably better looking than me so I can't see her being interested in me. Should I go? Not go? Should I stop all texts with HB7?

I want to be respectful of my girl but also be able to go to social events without explaining myself. If this situation were flipped how would I feel and what would I expect of her?

My opinion is that HB7 may be interested in me but I'm not going to make a move on her, so it's not an issue.

 

[decades]

she shouldn't be jealous. she should be with someone she can trust. I think hb7 is probably Histrionic and you are flirtatious. Not a great combo for GF to deal with. I am in the camp that says this is devaluing to your GF. Shoes. Putting yourself. hers. If I were gf I would do one of two things: Do a takeaway with some girls night outs, or make you squirm like a mofo with some heavy duty flirting at the next party you two are at. Perhaps she does not have that in her though.

 

[Rounder]

I will be honest - the attention from HB7 is flattering - but I think it's unusual. It feels "dirty". When she texts me and says things like she does it feels uncomfortable and I think "don't you have a husband that needs your attention?"

I am flirtatious by nature, just always have been.

I don't want my girl to feel this way and I don't want her to think that I want to bang this woman. I need to be more decisive in this situation.

I guess I'm worried about handling it the right way so I don't piss her off. I do want to hang out with this crowd of people but this woman is almost making it difficult for me to do that.

 

[decades]

I will be honest - the attention from HB7 is flattering - but I think it's unusual. It feels "dirty". When she texts me and says things like she does it feels uncomfortable and I think "don't you have a husband that needs your attention?"

I am flirtatious by nature, just always have been.

I don't want my girl to feel this way and I don't want her to think that I want to bang this woman. I need to be more decisive in this situation.

I guess I'm worried about handling it the right way so I don't piss her off. I do want to hang out with this crowd of people but this woman is almost making it difficult for me to do that.

histrionics like her go where "the gettin is good". there are plenty of guys at these parties who give her "nothing". so she goes where the guys give her "something".

 

[Rounder]

histrionics like her go where "the gettin is good". there are plenty of guys at these parties who give her "nothing". so she goes where the guys give her "something".

Yeah that's my take on her - she simply digs the attention. I'm not sure she'd actually cheat, but she likes to feel attractive - remembering her younger days.

My GF thinks she'd cheat and thinks she wants me.

 

[decades]

see here's the disconnect. it doesn't matter if you cheat with her or not. this is precisely what Histrionic 7 tells her chump every weekend: "i am just flirting" (they are habitual cheaters so you are playing with fire). Cheating is one thing but what you are Already doing is devaluing your GF. she is right. and you are being used for attention. you also enjoy her attention which means you have your own hole to fill.

 

[Mr. Me]

My girl thinks HB7 is out for me...that HB7 is starting small but is clearly seeking attention and wants me to come on to her. She said "she might not make the first move, but she wants you to and if you do, she won't stop you".

Should my girl be jealous? Does she have a reason to be? Am I being naive about this situation?

Couched in her question, it sounds like your GF was fishing to see if you're the one that wants HB7.

You should not be discussing HB7 with your GF at all. Bad form. You don't discuss other women with your GF. It can create a fissure in your relationship. Maybe it already has. Did she bring up HB7 or (worse) did you? When your GF says anything like "HB7 seems interested in you", you ought to be like "Who? Her? Oh. Can you blame her?" smile, wink.

HB7 is disrespecting her husband by being flirtatious. Another one of these women who love male attention outside of their relationship. Like your GF pointed out, HB7 is "clearly seeking attention". I'd banter back keeping it friendly, but forgo all other speculation and innuendo and not give my GF reason to think I may cheat on her (read her question again carefully).

 

[DJDamage]

A married woman shouldn't be texting a single guy like she is in highschool and disrespecting her husband by ignoring him.

She is playing games. probably is bored of her marriage or getting back at her husband by trying to make him jealous.

You know perfectly well that something ain't right there.

 

[vitor]

I dunno if this was the other way around and your girl was the one flirting, texting back and forth we would all tell you to next her right????

You are enjoying this companship of this new women but at the expense of your own woman. I think you should skip the chili cook off thing and tell the texting wife you can not have this kind of friendship that she wants.

 

[horaholic]

Agreed. I think you are feeding the wife a little too much attention. You should be texting her back one word answers, if at all. How would you feel if your gf and HB7's husband were acting the same way?

 

[Rounder]

Yeah I agree with what's been said. I really didn't think about it much until my GF pointed it out to me - I was simply reacting and texting back. I wasn't actively trying to create something between us. I don't initiate texts, messages or emails with HB7, but I have responded and evidently that's feeding in to what she wants.

My mind has been on my GF and I just didn't see it quite like my GF does.

 

[speed dawg]

Rounder, what you are doing is making your girlfriend look bad in front of your friends. I would not do that to my girlfriend, personally. You may not realize it, but that is what is happening. Women, especially, are very catty, and it's making her look even worse in front of the women.

Like others have said, if the situation were reversed, you'd be here asking if you should be worried or not.

Now, if you don't care about your current girlfriend, do what you want and let her decide if she wants to stay with you or not.

If you DO care, it's very easy to draw the line with HB7. It always is. The only problem here is that you enjoy the attention from her. Just like many of the girls that guys on this board complain about enjoy it. It's not rocket science, just don't reply to her texts. And just give her friendly greetings when you see her out, like normal friends do.

 

[NewMan]

Advice is spot on here - you know what to do (if you want your GF) or what not to do (if you don't).

 

[jophil28]

Now, if you don't care about your current girlfriend, do what you want and let her decide if she wants to stay with you or not.

If you DO care, it's very easy to draw the line with HB7.

I agree with the others here that you are disrespecting your G/f whether you realise it or not. Your behavior is causing your G/f some distress..

IN my book, cheating starts at the mild end of the continuum when one party turns outside their primary relationship to gain/extract/ enjoy romantic attention from a third person.

HB7 is doing precisely that, and you are willingly playing your part .
NO good can come of this.

 

[Nelford]

I would stop with the text message. It may come back and bite you. If you have to talk to her, do it in person... just my 2 cents