Shyness is it a myth?

[shyguy32]

Really I want to know. I was talking to a friend the other day and we were discussing me being shy. Well I was playfully saying I was shy, now that I'm not and may have never been. It really is an intriguing question though is shyness a real issue? I think not after our discussion.

Now that I think back this site never helped me get over my shyness at all, because it trutfully never existed. Let me explain..

Shyness to me means that you are terrified to speak to anyone, anytime, anywhere! You freeze if someone else even intiates contact with you. I don't believe that there are that many shy people out there.

Really what we're (all of you noobs and me too still to an extent) are calling shyness is nothing more than FEAR OF REJECTION. thats what it is and thats what it should be called. My name shouldn't be shyguy it should be Fear of Rejection guy. But I really didn't see it till the other day.

Example: Friend of mine says he's shy, asked me how I overcame my shyness. Told him some things to do from the DJbible but he seemed to reject that idea. But anyway he says he's shy, but we were out the other night and he's into a different type of music than what I'm into and a guy walks into the bar dressed alot like he dresses and wearing a jacket that has the name of one of his favorite bands on it. He intantly runs up to the guy and starts telling him how much he likes his jacket and the kind of bands he likes and so on and so forth and they continue to talk. Now if he were truly shy there is no way in hell that he could have or would have ran up and started chatting with the other guy with the same interest in bands that he had.

So folks why don't we just say it like it is around here. We're not shy we're just a bunch of pansies that think our ego can be crushed by someone we have never met in our life that looks half way decent. Honestly my fear of rejection is so bad sometimes that even asking for a semi hot chicks number is terrifying.

So just admit it now boys and get this whole shyness thing behind you and start working on the real problem at hand.

 

[Desdinova]

I used to be classed as "shy", but I credit that toward my upbringing. I was beaten everytime I said something even remotely questionable. So I learned to never say anything.

Now I can't shut the hell up. I'm loud, talkative, and get noticed by people all the time. It never used to be like this. If I wanted to capture peoples' attention, I had to come out of my shell and speak up! Nobody's there to stop me from speaking anymore, so why should I keep it all inside?

I ran into a girl I went to elementary school with a few years ago, and I had a conversation with her. During the conversation, she told me she was absolutely blown away at how talkative I was, because I never used to be like that. Just goes to show that people can change.

 

[Latinoman]

Just because you are an introverted...that does not make you shy. Introvertion is as positive as being extroverted. The only difference is that your "energy" comes within you.

Shyness is a NEGATIVE quality. As negative as arrogance.

 

[Vulpine]

Whereas I used to also call myself "shy", this site has pointed out a lot of societal pressures and helped me to free myself from the shackles that bound me.

I now would consider myself "overly discreet". That is, I am too weary of the watching eyes of others. Sometimes this is actually good, but most often it hinders seduction/pick-up. I've struggled with the "first kiss" and PDA's because I want to carry myself with a certain level of what I like to call "class". It is this "class" and "discretion" that has painted me to women as a "cold fish" in intial encounters.

These are the shackles from which I am trying to break. I need to work on the "I don't give a fux who's watching" mindset.

 

[Desdinova]

These are the shackles from which I am trying to break. I need to work on the "I don't give a fux who's watching" mindset.

That's another thing. I developed that mindset long before sosuave came into existance. There was no point in worrying what others thought of me. Their opinions only mattered if I let them matter to me.

I figured what was the point of letting someone's opinion of me affect me? Especially if there was a good chance that I would never see the person again. That's what helped me get over approach anxiety. There was a good chance that the woman I was approaching may never see me again, so why should her opinion or thoughts of me hold any weight?

After I found sosuave, I took it even further. A negative opinion would only affect me if I allowed it into my mind and let it cause damage. Why should a negative opinion affect me? This person has no direct impact on my life, so what does their opinion or thoughts about me matter?

You truly are the only one who has control over your life. It's all about letting the good stuff into your mind, and keeping the bad stuff out. That's how you develope the true "I don't give a 5hit what anybody thinks" attitude.

 

[Latinoman]

I'm NOT shy. Not at all, thank goodness.

But I have learned in life that there are times in which you have to sit back...see whats going on...hush...and observe...then choose your course of action.

Being ALWAYS afraid of doing something as it relates to interaction with people is shyness. But choosing [key world "choosing"] to do "nothing" is not a sign of shyness. It is in fact, a sign of self control.

 

[SELF-MASTERY]

I'm a little ****ed up...

I think that shyness like confidence is situational. I spent the majority of life as the quiet guy in ther corner, but I slowly broke out of my shell, and I dont know why? I was able to overcome my fear of public speaking by taking the attitude that I was better than everyone else. I used that attitude to actually make myself feel as if I was as good as anyone.... Fastforward to Monday I gave a spur of the moment presentation over a book I barely read and my class mates claim that I did a great job.

I agree with the OP: Shyness is mostly the fear of rejection and ridicule. All shy people have had interactions where they have blossomed, and it is normaly when someone that they feel 'safe' with has given them the secret handshake of assurance.

It is so odd that people have so many misconception about who I am... Your talkative, high energy, would make a good teacher?, would make a good father , great attitude. I must be the greatest actor in the world because most of the time I don't feel as GOOD as I let off... People don't realize that when I make them smile or laugh that it is actual therapy for me, and that it's self-serving (i FEEL great when you do.) I think that alot of shy people have narccisitic (spelling?) personalities, and that we are perfectionist.

I've reccently read that perfectionist are not always the true go-getters of life; instead, we are the underachievers that fear failure (REJECTION) so much that we would rather not try and save ourselves from the embarrassment of failure.

Lastly, life is all veneer. Nothing is as good or as bad as we perceive it. Treat life like your personal play, and become any charater that you want- play the good, the bad guy, the player, the hard worker, and the achiever.... Your life is your personal story, so write whatever you desire.

 

[speakeasy]

Hey Shyguy, someone already said this, but I have to reemphasize it. There's a difference between shyness and introversion. I am an introvert more than I am shy. I can be outgoing and talkative in short bursts, but having to do it for extended period of times leaves me feeling worn out in much the same way you feel mentally exhausted after a whole night writing an essay back in school. Introverts then have to "recharge" their batteries by taking some down time alone.

I'd suggest you google "MBTI", it'll give you a way better understanding of this stuff than I can explain right here. MBTI, is the science of personality tempraments, understanding this stuff also gives you insights into dealing with women too, so I suggest that everyone at least find out about it.

One other thing, for naturally introverted guys, things like sarging take a TREMENDOUS amount of energy. The whole pickup thing works best for guys who are naturally extroverted, but perhaps haven't figured out exactly HOW to say things to get the right reaction. I wish there were better mediums for introverted guys.

 

[shyguy32]

Total and utter hog wash....you have 6 points here that are easily overcome with a little intestinal fortitude.



-lack of social skills - fix...go talk to people
-Fear / discomfort around people (i.e. negative emotions that DRAIN your energy) -fix go talk to people
-Fear of judgement, ridicule, etc..-fix get an i don't give a blank attitude
-Not being talkative, having anything to say.-read more often..plenty to talk about then
-Low self-esteem (i.e. why would anyone want to listen to what I have to say?)- wah wha...oh I have low self esteem...great excuse there...blame it on outside influences..like Oh...I lost at a sport when I was younger..so I have low self esteem
-Performance anxiety (i.e. what do I say? I can't think of anything...)...same as above...go talk to people..read a little more often


Dude none of your excuses for being "shy" add up...just admit that they're afraid and that'll be the end of it. Shyness is nothing but Fear of Rejection..nothing more

 

[Boschy]

Read Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. It covers this topic and many other related topics. The book is still in print.

 

[rocky_mtn]

I will check that book, thanks


One thing that I have recently found is that depression and moods are all dependent on positive thoughts and eliminating negative thoughts. When you have a fearful experience your brain sends chemical signals, these thoughts are often difficult to forget, we all remember those tramatic experiences, when you think about fearful or negative experiences the same chemicals are released in the brain. Repeat the bad thoughts and fearful experiences often enough and the thought/reaction cycle turns into a habit of fear, avoidance and isolation, but what everyone else sees is you just being shy, sitting there, looking happy, but terrified of talking to the hot chick sitting right next to you.

Yep, I know the feeling. Its not easy being shy, but its not a permanent affliction. Shyness is the 0utw^rd appearance of a social inneptitude. It doesn't matter what your internal reasons or afflictions. If you don't interact socially then you will appear shy. Naturally I'm just not a social person, I could sit next to you at the bus stop and not really need to say a word. But that feeds the isolated feelings. So now, when I'm around someone else just say hi and wish them a good day. Make friends where ever you go. Even eye contact, a smile and nod is good for people you aren't really interested in talking to.

Any time you have a negative thought, mentally kick yourself in the ass because you don't need negative thoughts and we are all worth so much more. When you think of a negative thought, mentally make a change of thought and rephrase it in a positive way. Example: "man, I'm so bored and theres no one to hang out with" instead " I've got a bunch of time right now, I might as well got out and meet some people".
Be positive in everything. Its really tough sometimes, and its a fight, but if you can't fight for who you really are then theres really nothing else left.

I could write volumes about being shy, but I'll just have to say that I've been there and done that and I know what you guys are talking about.

 

[zafuhunter]

book recommendations

I agree with the consensus that shyness is really just a fear of rejection or some other insecurity. Some book recommendations who still find themselves suffering from shyness, or who generally want more detailed instructions on moving towards being a confident person.

Feeling Good by David Burns
Intimate Connections by David Burns
A Rational Guide to Living by Albert Ellis
A Single Man's Guide to Sex by Albert Ellis
Also check out the articles on the link: http://rebt-cbt.net/

 

[SonOfTheMostHigh]

Total and utter hog wash....you have 6 points here that are easily overcome with a little intestinal fortitude.



-lack of social skills - fix...go talk to people
-Fear / discomfort around people (i.e. negative emotions that DRAIN your energy) -fix go talk to people
-Fear of judgement, ridicule, etc..-fix get an i don't give a blank attitude
-Not being talkative, having anything to say.-read more often..plenty to talk about then
-Low self-esteem (i.e. why would anyone want to listen to what I have to say?)- wah wha...oh I have low self esteem...great excuse there...blame it on outside influences..like Oh...I lost at a sport when I was younger..so I have low self esteem
-Performance anxiety (i.e. what do I say? I can't think of anything...)...same as above...go talk to people..read a little more often


Dude none of your excuses for being "shy" add up...just admit that they're afraid and that'll be the end of it. Shyness is nothing but Fear of Rejection..nothing more

You're missing the point, the fear for some people never goes away and yet the can do all the things you suggested. Also relapses occur, it obviously wouldn't recur if it didn't have some biological basis, it goes beyond negative thoughts, after all what spurs the feelings/negative thoughts? The defense mechanisms.

 

[d9930380]

I don't think it's necessarily fear of rejection.

I think it's fear of saying the wrong thing or the unknown. Do you stand up for yourself and therefore cause a comfrontation where you might get put down or hurt physically. Do you say something that others might find offensive and therefore they don't like you etc.

Shyness is not being boring, boring people have nothing to say, shy people are afraid to say it. Some people just have NO personality - normally the good looking ones as they have never been exposed to the same experiences.

Shy people are generally those that have been bullied as the above poster stated and extroverts are generally those that have been bullied and been forced to stand up for themselves therefore giving them a) confidence and b) a don't give a **** attitude.

I hate to say it but parents are normally to blame for shy people. A parent should be able to read when his kid is being bullied and instead of fighting his battles for him, he should force him to fight for himself. The worst things a parent could say to a kid who is being bullied is "I'll sort it out", "it's THEIR fault", "Just ignore it" or "tell the teacher". If you are being bullied then it's YOUR responsibilty to stand up for yourself because the truth is, it doesn't stop after you leave school - it just gets much more subtle.

Oh and also girls can see "Nice Guys" or "Shy Guys" a mile off, and they enjoy teasing them. It's their form of bullying.