shy and have poor confidence, need advice

[Old Depressed Computer]

How old are you?

If you are young enough, here's the surest way to overcome shyness. Get a job that requires you to interact with people, a lot. Sales, customer serve, attorney, whatever. Then work at becoming really good at what you do. You will find your shyness disappearing somewhere along the way.

Oh, and quit playing video games and posting on gaming forums. Haven't touched a video game since my early 20's, which was probably the best decision I've ever made. That sh!t is as addictive as crack and nearly as bad for you.

I'm 22. And is being a gamer really that bad? It's just entertainment. I know many gamers who are happy and successful. I'm just unfortunately not one of them.

The shyness honestly is preventing me from ever seeking a job like that. I'm utterly terrified of that kind of interaction. I don't think I'm ready to just put myself as far away from my element as possible. I perhaps ought to mention that I'm incredibly immature for my age. I feel like a child trapped in an adult body, my attraction and affection for the opposite sex is probably the most matured aspect of my personality. I was interested in girls as far back as I can remember, even when I was in kindergarten. But as for everything else, let's just say when I first started regularly going online at around 15, people assumed I was 7 because of the way I posted.

 

[Bokanovsky]

I'm 22. And is being a gamer really that bad? It's just entertainment. I know many gamers who are happy and successful. I'm just unfortunately not one of them.

Yes, it's bad. It's a waste of time and an escape from reality. Like you said, you feel like a child trapped inside an adult's body. Playing video games no doubt contributes to that.

 

[BeExcellent]

The best advice I can give you is first understand that you CAN do it.

Being autistic you are probably not going to be able to waltz into a sales job tomorrow. You relate the world differently than many people.

You have different strengths & weaknesses than the majority of people and a different way of processing information and so may need to approach the world a little differently in order to gain confidence in your ability.

And by the way if you are a virgin & prefer to wait for sex, that is nothing to be worried about right now. First you've got to practice relating to people generally.

Make a list of things to do to help you gain experience with social interactions. Here are some suggestions:

1. Smile at yourself in the mirror at home. Look yourself in the eye. Do this every time you see your home mirror. Say hello to yourself in the mirror.

2. When you are out going about your day people expect eye contact when they interact with you. Make a goal to look at (make eye contact), smile & say hello to 3 people as you go about your day. If you feel funny say "I am practicing my social skills - so "Hi" (and smile). I think you'll find people will be engaging and will smile and at least say Hi back.

3. Get into a more verbally interactive gaming group for now to acclimate to verbal social cues and so forth. Destiny and other interactive games are quite verbal. Use those as an opportunity to listen to and interact with and learn from social and verbal interactions there.

4. Google online if you haven't & look for ways to build your social skillset as an autistic person. Remember autism is a different way of processing information so social interaction may be learned differently for you than for neurotypical people. I am great at social interaction but reasonably bad at math. Perhaps you are quite skilled at math or analytics and less skilled socially right now. That's OK. There are tools and things online that can help you improve your social skills.

5. If you have a physician or therapist you know or work with who can help you assess your progress, enlist their help.

You are not alone, you are an intelligent person and you are motivated to move forward. I wish you all the best and we are here to offer support and encouragement.

You CAN do it. You WILL!!

 

[logicallefty]

@Old Depressed Computer first off, welcome to the forum. Second, I like your alias and avatar. But hopefully you will stick around here and maybe someday you can change it to just "old computer".

It sounds like you are "stuck" in a mode. You know the saying, "objects at rest stay at rest, and objects in motion stay in motion". I agree with the others that you need to get out of "stuck" mode and "get moving".

First with the video games. I won't say "dont play them" but I will say "limit your time".

Getting online to meet chicks is good. However, you are going to need to message a he|| of a lot more than just two. I would message 10-20 to start. Before you do that though you will need to come up with some messages that stick out from the others. I can elaborate more on some samples if you like.

I would also get out of the mindset of looking for a soul mate, which I think was already mentioned. With that mindset you are set to fail. The mindset you need with women is that you want them for companionship, entertainment, and sex, but in the short term.

Also, to build your confidence, you can go out and practice talking to women you are not interested in and that will help. But even further than that, if your self confidence is really low, practice talking with guys too. Not in a sexual way of course but just for the practice of "making small talk".

Again, welcome and rest assured you have came to the right place. We have a lot of great people here who genuinely want to help. Listen to them objectively and practice their suggestions and see if they work for you.

 

[Mike32ct]

But even further than that, if your self confidence is really low, practice talking with guys too. Not in a sexual way of course but just for the practice of "making small talk".

^This. There's a LOT of great advice in this thread, but this particular point was on my mind.

Do you know any guys that you feel comfortable with? At work? Or even family like a brother or cousin?

Talking to a guy is great way to build your conversation skills because there's no pressure and obviously you aren't trying to impress them.

As someone with social anxiety, I would usually hide in my cubicle and continue to work during work parties. But now I mostly talk to guy coworkers and clients that I'm comfortable with during such events. Then when women coworkers and clients approach me, I do ok because I got some practice/warmup in chatting with guys.

 

[devilkingx2]

Haven't touched a video game since my early 20's, which was probably the best decision I've ever made. That sh!t is as addictive as crack and nearly as bad for you.

boo you're no fun