Should I stay in my LTR or spin some plates?

Kladed

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This is going to be a long post, so sit tight. I'm finally posting for the first time here because I need advice, and all my friends in real life are either naïve, don’t care, or too 'simpy' to provide a solid answer.

A couple of years back, after I graduated high school, I grew out of my shell of being shy and mentally celibate and decided to put myself out there and start pursuing girls to gain experience. Around that time, I stumbled across SoSuave, read heaps of articles—new and old—and kept an open mind. Soon after, I immediately went out and started building up real experience. The first place I tried was my job at the time. I worked in a supermarket/retail store and tried getting closer to the only girl in my department. I was naturally very awkward and chickened out on some occasions, but my looks carried me, and after about a month of talking to her, I asked her to be my girlfriend.

I’ll admit that at the time, my goal was to gain experience. But I was a virgin with no experience, so I took the first chance at a relationship that came my way. Back then, I was very much a 'lover boy' who thought sleeping around was sleazy, and I dreamt of marriage and finding 'the one.' To provide some background; Growing up, I’ve always been considered very attractive. Other than my height of 5'8"-5'9", I’ve been told I’m a 9-10/10 looks-wise and have a lot going for me. Growing up, I always caught girls staring and sometimes even guys, but I thought it was something everyone experienced and that everyone just looks at everyone else the same way. It wasn’t until I graduated and, at a party, heaps of girls came up to me saying I’m hot as hell and they would’ve dated me if I was more outgoing, that I realized I wasn’t just being dense. I also have a pretty good physique and am doing well financially for my age (22). It really sounds like I’m bragging, and I apologize, but this is all relevant to the issue. My girlfriend would probably be around a 5-7/10 on most people's scales, especially since we’ve both been eating well and have definitely put on more weight. When I started dating her, I had tons of guys saying I could’ve done better, and even one girl I used to work with drunkenly asked me at a club, “Why her??? hahaha” and “Of all people, really???” Naturally, at the time and even now, those things pissed me off because I do love her.

Now, to the crux of the problem. We’ve been dating for two years. I love her. I really do. A lot. And she loves me. A lot. She’s loyal, listens to me, talks to no other guys—basically, she has the qualities I’d look for in an ideal relationship. The only thing is that we don’t really share the same hobbies or tastes in things, but that’s not a dealbreaker, and in some cases, it’s refreshing. She’s also kind of a feminist. If you told me with 100% certainty that if we spent the rest of our lives together, she’d never cheat or betray my trust, I’d do it. But over the years, I’ve developed trust issues and a sense of how most girls are nowadays, especially in my generation. I’m basically afraid of being five, ten, or twenty years down the line, and she cheats or we divorce, and I’m way past my prime to go back out into the dating world and be successful and would have wasted my youth.

I’ve been told I’m sitting on a golden lottery ticket. I also believe any single young man should build up experience in this kind of stuff—for the confidence, development of social skills, and learning how women are in general. I love my girlfriend, and if we broke up, it would devastate her, and it would devastate me too, despite having this outlook. Two years and memories down the drain—I know that’s some sunk-cost fallacy or BS, but the point is, it would alter both our lives.

Some more necessary info: We don’t have sex at all. We tried in the past, but it didn’t happen until a year into dating. It never bothered me after a while because we do plenty of everything else. I taught her what to do. The reason we don’t have sex, even now (this might sound made up, but it’s not), is that I’m too big for her to handle, but most importantly, she’s too tight. Yes, I know that if she’s aroused, it gets bigger, and I’m probably not arousing her. No, let me stop you there—I know I am. We have all the hot moments, and she often jumps on me and enters that horny state. We also lost our virginity to each other. She gets into serious pain every time we try, and we both can’t find the right time or place to consistently try and ease her into it because we both still live with our families, and the times we can have sex are spaced out enough that we’d make no progress anyway.

Earlier this year, around March, we had our first serious actual 'fight.' She felt I hadn’t been putting much effort into the relationship, and to be honest, I wasn’t. Because of personal stuff happening in my life, I slowly stopped planning dates and wanting to hang out with her. I had felt her vibes being off, so I asked if she’d been having thoughts of breaking up at the time, and she did. I confronted her about it, but she ended up asking for space to clear her mind and pretty much ghosted me for a couple of days. My mind was naturally all over the place, wondering if she was cheating or if she didn’t love me, and I gave a couple of ultimatums, asking to meet so we could talk about things. But her parents didn’t let her see me because she was such a mess. Not until the day after I gave the ultimatums. She wasn’t seeing another guy or cheating (I made sure and am 100% confident of this). She says it was mainly due to the stress in her life, like university. She recently dropped out because law was too hard for her, and she has very bad anxiety sometimes. It took a month or two for her to start being 'herself' again.

I am unsure what to do. I am conflicted. I love her very much, but I am also afraid of being that lonely, old, divorced man down the line who wished he’d lived life more. Do I stick it out with her and run the risk of that fear coming true? Or do I end it while we’re young, fulfill my potential, and run the risk of regretting letting her go?

I’m open to any advice and want to hear your thoughts. Thanks in advance.
 

The Duke

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Life is way too short to compromise and settle for something that isn't all that it should be.

I once married my highschool sweetheart. She was the only girl I ever had sex with. We dated long distance thru college and finally got married. Most of those 15yrs were very good and we were a solid match. But in the end we quit working on the relationship and divorced in my early 30's. My divorce was very hard. I had little experience with women and had to adjust to life on my own.

It didn't take long and I started getting things figured out. The better I became, the better women I got. Along the way, I had tons of fun with lots of women and have some great stories and memories. I'm almost 50yo now and still doing what I've done for the last 20yrs. Never have I been lonely or thought I couldn't get a girl. And the older I get the easier it gets.

There's a handful of women I really cared for and still think about but each one taught me that when one relationship ends, another can start. It keeps life exciting and helps you grow as a person. Its those experiences that give you perspective. Only then can you really know whats good and whats not.

There are red flags in regards to your relationship that will make life living together more of a struggle than it is now.

Pain is just temporary.

You only get one life, live it to the fullest. Don't be afraid to take a chance, its the risk takers that get rewarded in life. Those who play it safe suffer in silence and become prisoner's to their fears.
 
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holidayad_

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Duke said it all.

To complement what has been said, what I can say is that when we are too immersed in a relationship, we often fail to see the signs of the other person. We end up letting it pass and letting it go.

I speak from personal experience.

Today, I can see that if a woman asks to break up, asks for time to think, and doesn't come to me, I know it's over. Because, often, it's a forced behavior to re-establish the power dynamic in the relationship (which is a red flag because it shows that she's not submissive) or even, what I consider the most obvious reason, that she's unsure about you.

In my mind, anyone who is sure about anything and feels good about it is unlikely to take a similar attitude.

The good news is that there is no such thing as a soul mate. You can live on, find other women who complete you, and have new experiences.

In a while, after you've lived through a lot and developed as a person, you can meet again and evaluate. Especially if it was a trauma-free break-up. Without any BS.

If it's meant to be, it will be.

A break-up opens doors to many things. Not only to new relationships.
 

BPH

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@The Duke gave some pretty good advice already, but I'll weigh in as well on this.

First of all, I'm promiscuous, so I'm probably not the best person in the world to give advice about long, happy relationships. That said, my brother and sister are NOT like me.

My brother met his girlfriend as a sophomore in college (by DMing her on Instagram, of all things) and ended up dating her all throughout college, even moving into a studio apartment up in New York, both finding work up there.

My sister actually married the first guy she had sex with (I think at least) after dating him exclusively all throughout college and for several years afterward. She ended up getting a house with him in North Carolina and got a dog with him too.

Neither my brother or sister are still with these people...

My brother's girlfriend got impatient that she had not been proposed to with how long they had been dating, and was frustrated that both their careers didn't have much potential. My brother did actually end up buying a ring and planned to propose, but she broke up with him before he presented it. Ended up having to move out of her apartment, bounced around to a few places in unsavory parts, and now is on unemployment hoping a venture with his friend works out.

My sister divorced her husband after trying to make the relationship work for several years. He was in the military and she didn't really have to work, so he felt she was contributing less to the household. She put on quite a bit of weight and they ended up fighting more often, destroying her self-esteem and leading to him picking fights about little things, which I speculate he did because he felt bad about addressing what was REALLY bothering him.

You're young, and from what you've described, very attractive. It sounds like you wouldn't have much trouble meeting women. Do you really want to commit to a woman that you cannot be physically intimate with on a regular basis while you're both in your prime? Like Duke said, I think you'd want to check off more of those boxes when considering who you'd want to spend the rest of your life with.

What I'd suggest is sitting her down and having a serious, heart-to-heart discussion about the relationship; ask her how she's feeling about it, where she thinks it's going, what concerns she has, etc.

I had a discussion like this with an ex of mine who was wonderful, but I wasn't thinking marriage in my early 20s like she was. So I broke up so she could meet someone who shared that ideal, and she did.
 

Agamemnon43

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As you've described it, it sounds like 95% of those college first-time LTR's that are doomed to fail.
Trust me, there are probably better girls out there. You are just in love and fail to see that she maybe isn't the best girl.
Also, no secks and not even having a place where you can do it privately is a huge problem. It spirals towards other problems in relationship.
If you stay and waste everything you have into salvaging this relationship, you will regret it. There is no good outcome as far as i'm concerned. It won't get much better and you will both suffer. Let her finish her college. Let yourself get more experience and do what life can offer. Let you both become better people. It's to early to get trapped like this.
 

Divorced w 3

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Go have sex with someone
 
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