Should I give my future child up for adoption

[imarockstar]

Guys,

First off, thanks to Rollo for responding to my PM a month or two ago about this situation. But I have been doing some thinking the past couple days, and I'd really like everyones take on this.

Me and my GF broke up 2 months ago. A week later she finds out she is pregnant. Spare the "paternity test" advice. I'm almost 100% that she wasn't messing with anyone else, and the timing added up perfectly, but there are no absolutes, and perhaps I will get one later on.

However, I've just been thinking. I'm against abortion. I'm glad that she chose to keep the child. She and I didn't have a bad breakup, just kind of got bored of each other, because we were spending almost everyday together, not seeing friends, and drinking A LOT, thus leading to a ton of fights and we both just got sick of it. Codependent relationship at it's best.

I'm planning on talking to her in a few days about this. I believe that she and I can work things out, and I'd like to give it a shot later, when we better ourselves and kinda learn from our mistakes and not make them again. As for her, she is so stuck on the meant to be not meant to be mindset. Maybe we are just not right for each other etc. Which may be true.

She grew up with parents that stayed together for the 3 kids. My parents divorced after I was born, I am the 3rd. It sucked. And Im sure her parents not being in love but staying together sucked just as bad. I was spared the arguments between my parents, while she had to witness it. Yet I barely saw my dad and my mom was either working or with her new boyfriends. Both situations are equally wrong IMO to raise a child in.

Am I wrong for considering this? She and I both have 2+years in school left, we both work at restaurants, not making much money. We both live with our parents or roommates, so neither of us are independent at the moment. Why not give this child a better life? To a couple who loves each other, who cannot conceive, and we would bless them with this child, we would make their life complete. A couple who is financially stable and ready for a child, unlike us. It bugs me a bit to know that a part of me, something that came from me, that I will not be a parent to that child. But I feel that I cannot provide as good a life as others may. Besides, people donate sperm all the time, technically their "child" is walking around somewhere without his biological birth parents.

She and I could pick the adoption agency, choose the parents, and it could be an open adoption if she and I would like, so that we could keep up with the kid and make sure he has a good life going on.

I know this will sound a little fvcked up, but this is how I feel. I feel like if she and I can make things work in our personal relationship, and become a couple again, then yes, I'd love to parent this child. But if she and I never reconnect, and just stay separated, I don't really want to be a father to the child. Not because I am bitter or an a$$hole, but because I want my child to have a positive core principle of a happy family. I don't want my kid being passed back and forth, week to week. I don't want my kid to suffer due to our bad decisions. I honestly feel like if she and I remain separated, everything will be so much harder, and that we will be unfit parents.

What do you guys think? What would you do in my situation, or have you ever been faced with these circumstances? Be as brutally honest as possible!

 

[Bible_Belt]

How much can each of your parents help with the baby? If they want a grandchild badly enough, which is usually the case, they will be willing to help out a lot.

 

[Three]

Dude, I truly feel for you. This is a hard situation, no matter what. Chances are good that you will never get back together with this woman. You have to be prepared for that.

She will also most likely never agree to give the child up for adoption. Even if she does, neither of you will ever be able to forget doing that and will always regret it no matter how much you try to rationalize your decision.

I'm also anti-abortion, even though that's really the only easy solution. If I were you, though, I would be there for this baby and help to raise him/her no matter what. If the mother is a decent person and you both choose to put the child first, things will work out OK.

Remember, this really is going to be hard. You will get boned by the courts regardless of whether you're a standup guy or a piece of sh!t. Trust me.

But, I'll speak for myself here: Having children is the best thing I've ever done. I don't regret any of my children no matter how hard life has been.

P.S. I would definitely go for the paternity test as soon as it's possible, though. It might change everything.

 

[imarockstar]

Bible- the grandparents will be there without a doubt, they are all excited, as well as other family members who have offered help. Thats not the issue, the issue is the kid growing up in a "broken" home. I dont like that term because I technically come from one, and I turned out pretty good, yet at the same time, it took a LOT of struggles, a lot of mistakes (getting arrested, drugs etc). The broken home concept is not an excuse because there are plenty of kids raised in happy families, unbroken homes, that become drug addicts or fck ups as well.

Whats weird to me is that I grew up with my parents seperated, and she grew up with an alcoholic father and a strong, feminist type mother. Although he has changed his ways long ago, the mother walks all over his a$$ now. Its like he is her doormat for the rest of his life, because he was a deadbeat dad/husband earlier in the marriage. So this is an example of what my ex does not want. Yet I want to stay with her and work things out, even though my parents did not go that route. Its like we both want the opposite of what our parents did.

What kind of kills me is the fact that I can look at her 2 different ways. Sometimes I feel like I love her and want to work things out. But then I remember that before I knew she was pregnant, I was so damn ready to move on. I mean just the past month or so since we've broken up, I've felt alive again. I feel like my own man, its hard to explain.

Three- You might be right about the whole regrets thing. I mean, its easy for me to say yeah I could give it up for adoption and just be done with the situation, but I can only imagine what it will be like when its born and the feeling of giving it away. It would probably be awful, and near impossible for the woman to due, given the fact that she carried it for 9 months.

Pair- you bring up a good point. Piercing the AFC veil of marriage. My girls grandparents are still together after about 50 years. Her Grandma told me just last summer how as you get older and deeper into a long marriage, you kinda fall out of love, but its more like a mutual respect/friendship deal. She just said that she was lucky because her husband happened to get her pregnant and he happened to be a good guy, and how there are plenty of scumbags out there that she could have brought a child into the world with.

For me personally, I wouldnt want to end up like my exs parents. They have resentment. They really dont seem to like each other. They try not to show it, but its painfully obvious. Although her grandparents are not in love, they appreciate each other it seems. Her parents do not. Thats the fine line.

Im not sure what I will do, but I dont think that bringing up the adoption idea is such a good idea anymore. Im just going to keep doing what I've been doing the past couple weeks, improving myself and my life. Becoming happy with my own company, improving my financial situation, and being healthier and just enjoying life. Even though I was kind of panicked earlier when I created this thread, I feel 100x better now, mainly because I just got back from jiu-jitsu, but it does help talking about it because I don't really talk about it much lol. When I'm out with friends I just want to have fun so I don't bring these depressing topics up around them.

 

[scrouds]

If it was me, I would go nuclear.

Tell her its over, I don't want to be a dad, I'm not going to be a dad. I'm not going to help with the kid, I'm not going to raise it. Then drop the paternity test. Accuse her of cheating, demand a test, accuse her of sabotaging my life.

Then I'd offer to help with the cost of the abortion. Offer to go dutch, feel her out and if push comes to money, cover the whole thing.

If it all comes out right, celebrate dodging the bullet. If i'm going to have kids, i don't want them raised by a single mommie or marry/live with a woman I don't want to.

I read a real depressing thing about a guy who's now adult kid is totally messed up with drugs and working both them and the system for money / support/ apartment, etc. It didn't surprise me when he said the kid was raised by his mother. DO WHATEVER YOU CAN TO AVOID IT.

 

[runner83]

Personally, I think you are a selfish bastard for even entertaining the idea of trying to raise a kid in either of those environments from the get go:

1) With parents who aren't together; or
2) Adopted.

And you don't even know if the kid is yours!

I don't give a fvck what you think you know, fact is you don't have a bloody clue if the kid is yours until you have the test.

Pre-emptive nuclear strike as above seems to be the way to go.

World population is already too high as it is - last thing it needs is one more brat living off the welfare society without a loving family..

Sorry to sound harsh, but facts are facts.

 

[imarockstar]

So I am a selfish bastard if I choose to raise the child separated or give him up for adoption. Leaving the only unselfish choice to result in an abortion? Really?

How about this scenario...You marry a woman whom you are IN LOVE with. You guys are madly in love. A couple years later you have a few kids. Things change between the two of you and you are no longer happy with each other. So for your opinions to be true, this couple must stay together, even if they hate each other, even if they have knock down drag out arguments in front of the kids, because being a single parent is selfish?

Or take this scenario for instance. You have children with your wife, and she dies in a car accident. You are now a single father. A selfish single father, in your words.

Truth is, we tried not to have the kid. Even though we made the mistake of having unprotected sex while not on birth control, we got her the Plan B pill and she still got pregnant. Sometimes these things happen and are not in our plans, and there's really nothing you can do about it, other than practice abstinence.

IMO the world needs less people like you two. Who rush to the abortion clinic because they "arent ready". I'm not ready, but I'm taking responsibility for my actions. This child didn't do anything wrong. He/she has no say in the matter. It's not their fault that me and my ex fcked up. Abortion for me is out of the question, due in part to my strong belief in not murdering people. But hey if it wouldn't bother you, more power to ya, I guess. But that won't be something that eats away at my conscience for the rest of my life. Adoption is in fact taking the easy way out, but at least I will be giving a gift to a happy, stable couple, who could give the kid a better life than perhaps my ex and I could.

As far as the overpopulation comment, don't blame me. Blame the people who have one night stands and knock up a chick, or blame the lower class areas of the U.S., the families that have 9+ kids. I was in a committed relationship, and although at the time of conception she and I were having problems, I didn't see us splitting up, at least not for good. I had sex with her that one last time to show her the awesome sex that she would be missing before I went NC. I went on a date a few days later to make her jealous, in attempts to coax her to change her mind. Is it a somewhat dysfunctional situation involving some game playing on my part? Of course, and I know I made mistakes and poor decisions. But what you are accusing me of boils down to mere generalizations and is backed by very vague logic and produces very vague advice. But hey, I knew I'd get a couple of comments insinuating that I "get an abortion" or "demand a paternity test". That's kind of why I said spare me.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Rock Star,
One would need the wisdom of Solomen to give a satisfactory solution to this problem.....Best thing for the kid would be to be adopted,the screening procedures are so thorough...With the support of her parents and a Christian? background this girl will go through with the whole thing and probably find a Beta Male down the track...She probably has become Mumsie and will enjoy the experience....Unlike some on the site,I think you should be a bit selfish.... Situations like this are a 50/50 business,the sensible thing is to abort,she won't,so down the line,you will pay and you both get on with your lives,sadder but wiser....You can have Children when you are ready,in your good time..Whatever you do don't cave in to sentimental traditionalists and marry her....Anyway get on with your degree and good luck!

 

[Colossus]

You can consider the advice of others but this has to be 100% your decision. You are a man now, and men make the hard decisions. Hard decisions are the ones with no ideal solution.

In my opinion, I think adoption is the most sensible and humane choice IF you dont want to be a parent. Selfish? Perhaps, but at least you are giving the child a good life with a couple who really wants to love and raise a child. You know he/she will have a good life; adoptions are rigorously screened and couples wait years for an opportunity. That said, mothers bond almost immediately with their children, and she may not go for it once the child is born.

 

[5string]

imarockstar

Not really on point, but might give you some insight.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=192207

 

[imarockstar]

You make a good point Colossus, there will be no ideal situation, unless she and I reconcile somehow. Otherwise, I will most likely end up as the every other weekend dad, this is why I consider the option of adoption. What would be the difference?

5 String - What decision did you end up making?

As for me, my situation is much too complicated to arrive at a definite answer at this point in time. I guess I just wanted to see how fellow members would approach the situation, maybe for inspiration. I think that she and I have potential to be a happy couple, otherwise I would never have started dating her. Yet I do believe that we or at least I brought some baggage into the relationship and I'm thinking now that I was wrong for even getting into the relationship in the first place. All I wanted at the time was a steady lay and some company when I was bored. Our month or so apart has given me the opportunity to find happiness on my own. Not 100% there, but compared to my time before I started dating her, I am figuring out what drives me and what my passions are, something I believed I had a year ago. I thought just because I went to the gym, had a good job, and was in school, that I was ready for a relationship. My life lacked passion, something that makes life worth living, so I transformed my passion into the relationship i.e. codependence. Ugh that word makes me sick.

Scaramouche, trust me, Im not marrying this chick based solely on the fact that we are having a child. This is where I am stuck though. I want to attempt to work things out eventually, but I dont want to do it out of necessity. I want to make sure that I am happy without her, so that I can be sure that I actually want to be with her, rather than need to be with her. The problem comes in the sense that the boy inside me gets impatient and wants to declare a change in me and how we could be happy again. The boy makes me think that the longer I wait, the more that I will push her away. However, the man in me realizes that I must remain patient, and if the above case occurs, its a small price to pay for my overall happiness.

 

[5string]

imarockstar

We're just taking him for part of the summer for a bit and see what happens. Then we'll decide.

 

[scrouds]

So I am a selfish bastard if I choose to raise the child separated or give him up for adoption. Leaving the only unselfish choice to result in an abortion? Really?

How about this scenario...You marry a woman whom you are IN LOVE with. You guys are madly in love. A couple years later you have a few kids. Things change between the two of you and you are no longer happy with each other. So for your opinions to be true, this couple must stay together, even if they hate each other, even if they have knock down drag out arguments in front of the kids, because being a single parent is selfish?

Or take this scenario for instance. You have children with your wife, and she dies in a car accident. You are now a single father. A selfish single father, in your words.

Truth is, we tried not to have the kid. Even though we made the mistake of having unprotected sex while not on birth control, we got her the Plan B pill and she still got pregnant. Sometimes these things happen and are not in our plans, and there's really nothing you can do about it, other than practice abstinence.

IMO the world needs less people like you two. Who rush to the abortion clinic because they "arent ready". I'm not ready, but I'm taking responsibility for my actions. This child didn't do anything wrong. He/she has no say in the matter. It's not their fault that me and my ex fcked up. Abortion for me is out of the question, due in part to my strong belief in not murdering people. But hey if it wouldn't bother you, more power to ya, I guess. But that won't be something that eats away at my conscience for the rest of my life. Adoption is in fact taking the easy way out, but at least I will be giving a gift to a happy, stable couple, who could give the kid a better life than perhaps my ex and I could.

As far as the overpopulation comment, don't blame me. Blame the people who have one night stands and knock up a chick, or blame the lower class areas of the U.S., the families that have 9+ kids. I was in a committed relationship, and although at the time of conception she and I were having problems, I didn't see us splitting up, at least not for good. I had sex with her that one last time to show her the awesome sex that she would be missing before I went NC. I went on a date a few days later to make her jealous, in attempts to coax her to change her mind. Is it a somewhat dysfunctional situation involving some game playing on my part? Of course, and I know I made mistakes and poor decisions. But what you are accusing me of boils down to mere generalizations and is backed by very vague logic and produces very vague advice. But hey, I knew I'd get a couple of comments insinuating that I "get an abortion" or "demand a paternity test". That's kind of why I said spare me.

As bob barker would say, help control the pet population, have your little ones spayed or neutered.

I fully admit, aborting a mistake is probably the most selfish option. Be selfish. You have a lot to lose. I've seen the "oops" ploy from way too many women done to way too many guys right at the moment that the relationship is crumbling. Its a prime way for a woman to lock in a man. If he doesn't "man up" she's got you for child support. Its all up side for her.

Which brings us back to selfish. Hell yeah, this is a selfish move. All your moves should be selfish. Remember who's #1, always. Don't be duped into feeling guilt for acting on selfish motives. Unlike women, our hamsters aren't as strong to rationalize away selfish behaviours like women can. Having an "oops" kid is the second most selfish thing a woman can do.

You know what the most selfish thing is? Getting knocked up by someone else then telling your main squeeze its his.

My friend, don't be a sucker, don't get played. You don't have to go the abortion route, I respect people's moral stance on these issues. But make sure its yours before you spend 18 years and hundreds of thousands of dollars potentially raising someone else's one night stand. Be selfish. Be proud you're selfish.

----

Oh yeah did you watch her pop the plan b pills?

 

[imarockstar]

I think I finally get it now guys. I need to do what is right for me and my kid right now. Its no longer about her. I was all worried about the kid not having a proper upbringing, but I dont have to base that off of whether or not she and I are together. The thing is, I can play just a vital part. I dont have to let this kid be raised like I was, I dont have to be the every other weekend dad. She and I live close enough that we can split time with the kid right down the middle.

I realized that she and I may never work, but this kid will always be in my life. I can get several chances at love again, but I only have one chance with this kid. Just seems like I was so focused on fixing something that I have no control over, rather than focusing on the kid and focusing on the things I can control. I always wished that I had more time with my dad growing up, and I wont let my child accept the same fate. At the same time, Im glad she and I arent working things out right now. Id rather not be with her now than try to make things work and it end up in divorce later. I know its not likely, but if she and I take this time apart and dont try to rush back together just for the kid, well, thats the only way I could see us getting back together anyways. Im not worried about it, because Im looking on the bright side. Yeah there will be some women who wont date me because of the kid, but it also opens up a whole new variety of women who I can choose from that have kids themselves, and a lot of them are hott.

Not really looking for advice anymore, just reflecting on what Ive learned in the past week or so

 

[penkitten]

how old is imarockstar?