Ok guys - I have a little delima on my hands with this one.
I will attempt to make it as short as possible. I will list as many facts as I can so you can help me make an well informed decision.....
1) Been married 19 years since age 20 to same lady
2) 2 kids - ages 16 and 8
3) Nice home, successful biz - everything a woman would need to be happy
4) She is very pretty red head that might be going through some mid-life crisis (age 40)
5) We were a fairly boring and clueless couple up until last year (never fought or affairs)
6) She busted me looking at porn and on an ashley madison website looking to have an affair about year ago (she has always been kinda distant too)
6 a) When she saw this, it tore her apart but she held it in instead of getting mad
7) She was adopted and suffers from abandonment issues
8) She is the daughter of an minister that was pretty much Mr Perfect
9) She has a very hard time making choices or decisions on her own and many times seems like she has no compass (due to adoption probably)
10) About 8 months ago we were having pillow talk and I asked her if she knew of my top sex fantasy and she guessed it - threesome w/ another woman. I asked her what she thought about this idea and she said "sure". (she was on ambien)
Next morning I asked her if she remembered this convo and she said yes and it sounded like fun.
11) During the next 8 months we try to find someone, she makes 2-3 GREAT girl friends that she still talks to today. We had a one 3some experience and it went good
12) She even brought up the idea herself of us looking into the LS lifestyle (swinging) and we meet 3 couples and she signed up on website herself. We never did anything or went to a party.
But here is the deal - I have audio of her talking to these woman about how to go about breaking up with me. She would go to there house and talk to them about the "other" guy she just saw at the bar! She was also caught w/ 3 different men (just kissing and texting) and always denied it every time until I had proof. I also have papers she wrote about how she is broken and basically how I wont ever be Mr Perfect she has dreamed of having (she does have a fairly tale view of the world).
So, it appears she uses manipulation to tell me what I want to hear and then turns it around on me to be the victim. She also cannot seem to forgive me for my 1 act of rebellion and uses it over and over as an excuse as to why she is cheating on me. One foot in and one foot out of relationship.
Now, the tricky part: We get along AWESOME! We have sex all the time and are like best friends. Our family and friends cannot figure us out because even though they know we are talking about divorcing or separation, we act as though nothing has changed. We really don't fight either. Just talk normal.
We are in couples therapy now last 2 months and she advised her to get personal sessions for 1 year to deal w/ her abandonment issues that I may have brought to the surface.
The 3rd time I caught her I threatened to kick her out but then changed my mind after therapy. She said if it happens again (but she swore it would not) then I have "permission" to divorce her. Well, it did happen again just 2 weeks ago.
I told her despite her continued lying and cheating, that I was not going kick her out and that she had to make the choice to leave me (I fell guilty about starting this whole thing and her childhood I guess).
So now that the kids know we are having some issues, our son told her to stay married until our daughter is 18, she said that the look on his face made her really think twice about our relationship and if we should stay together or has her really torn on what to do.
So, on this last discovery she tells me she was not really into woman or threesome stuff but just made me believe it to satisfy me. I am like WTF!! She views it as if she was being the "good wife" and yet turns it around on me when talking to her friends, that she would never have made in the first place if it wasn't for me suggesting the idea.
So, right now I am leaning on telling her that I think she should move out for a while and give me some space since I cannot trust anything she says anymore. I have already tried the "nice guy" stuff and it does NOT work...make it worse. Her friends are telling her she needs to leave me too and that she is weak. My friends tell me same thing
So I am thinking I need to beat her to the punch for several reasons - a) if I ever want a chance at keeping her long-term b) keeping the power c) showing that I cant be pushed around d) give her some time to figure out what she wants e) maybe date other people that appreciate what I can provide and dont manipulate me.
Ya'lls thoughts?
I will attempt to make it as short as possible. I will list as many facts as I can so you can help me make an well informed decision.....
1) Been married 19 years since age 20 to same lady
2) 2 kids - ages 16 and 8
3) Nice home, successful biz - everything a woman would need to be happy
4) She is very pretty red head that might be going through some mid-life crisis (age 40)
5) We were a fairly boring and clueless couple up until last year (never fought or affairs)
6) She busted me looking at porn and on an ashley madison website looking to have an affair about year ago (she has always been kinda distant too)
6 a) When she saw this, it tore her apart but she held it in instead of getting mad
7) She was adopted and suffers from abandonment issues
8) She is the daughter of an minister that was pretty much Mr Perfect
9) She has a very hard time making choices or decisions on her own and many times seems like she has no compass (due to adoption probably)
10) About 8 months ago we were having pillow talk and I asked her if she knew of my top sex fantasy and she guessed it - threesome w/ another woman. I asked her what she thought about this idea and she said "sure". (she was on ambien)
Next morning I asked her if she remembered this convo and she said yes and it sounded like fun.
11) During the next 8 months we try to find someone, she makes 2-3 GREAT girl friends that she still talks to today. We had a one 3some experience and it went good
12) She even brought up the idea herself of us looking into the LS lifestyle (swinging) and we meet 3 couples and she signed up on website herself. We never did anything or went to a party.
But here is the deal - I have audio of her talking to these woman about how to go about breaking up with me. She would go to there house and talk to them about the "other" guy she just saw at the bar! She was also caught w/ 3 different men (just kissing and texting) and always denied it every time until I had proof. I also have papers she wrote about how she is broken and basically how I wont ever be Mr Perfect she has dreamed of having (she does have a fairly tale view of the world).
So, it appears she uses manipulation to tell me what I want to hear and then turns it around on me to be the victim. She also cannot seem to forgive me for my 1 act of rebellion and uses it over and over as an excuse as to why she is cheating on me. One foot in and one foot out of relationship.
Now, the tricky part: We get along AWESOME! We have sex all the time and are like best friends. Our family and friends cannot figure us out because even though they know we are talking about divorcing or separation, we act as though nothing has changed. We really don't fight either. Just talk normal.
We are in couples therapy now last 2 months and she advised her to get personal sessions for 1 year to deal w/ her abandonment issues that I may have brought to the surface.
The 3rd time I caught her I threatened to kick her out but then changed my mind after therapy. She said if it happens again (but she swore it would not) then I have "permission" to divorce her. Well, it did happen again just 2 weeks ago.
I told her despite her continued lying and cheating, that I was not going kick her out and that she had to make the choice to leave me (I fell guilty about starting this whole thing and her childhood I guess).
So now that the kids know we are having some issues, our son told her to stay married until our daughter is 18, she said that the look on his face made her really think twice about our relationship and if we should stay together or has her really torn on what to do.
So, on this last discovery she tells me she was not really into woman or threesome stuff but just made me believe it to satisfy me. I am like WTF!! She views it as if she was being the "good wife" and yet turns it around on me when talking to her friends, that she would never have made in the first place if it wasn't for me suggesting the idea.
So, right now I am leaning on telling her that I think she should move out for a while and give me some space since I cannot trust anything she says anymore. I have already tried the "nice guy" stuff and it does NOT work...make it worse. Her friends are telling her she needs to leave me too and that she is weak. My friends tell me same thing
So I am thinking I need to beat her to the punch for several reasons - a) if I ever want a chance at keeping her long-term b) keeping the power c) showing that I cant be pushed around d) give her some time to figure out what she wants e) maybe date other people that appreciate what I can provide and dont manipulate me.
Ya'lls thoughts?
