picard
Master Don Juan
should I avoid dating women who have kids but they are divorced? Do these women require any special rule ?
Should I date women who have kids
- Thread starter picard
- Start date
Francisco d'Anconia
Master Don Juan
Personally, I'm wary of those that expound about putting their kids first. These women usually forgo their own needs for that of their kids.
I have a different view on providing for others. How well can you provide for them if you forgo providing for yourself? Many times these people fall victim of martyrdom by always looking out for others instead of themselves first (first not only).
You have to wonder where you would stand if she doesn't even put herself first.
I have a different view on providing for others. How well can you provide for them if you forgo providing for yourself? Many times these people fall victim of martyrdom by always looking out for others instead of themselves first (first not only).
You have to wonder where you would stand if she doesn't even put herself first.
If a woman (or a man) has children and doesn't put their kids first they are a lousy parent. When you have a child it is your responsibility to put their needs ahead of all else. Anyone who takes that responsibility seriously is most likely a great parent. Anyone who puts themselves ahead of their kids' needs is going to put themselves ahead of the needs of their spouse as well. If you get involved with a single mother who puts herself ahead of her kids she will put herself ahead of your needs too. She won't be very nurturing or giving at all. If she puts her kids needs ahead of herself she would put your needs ahead of herself too. Yes, the kids would come before you...as they should. But with a woman who takes her responsibilities seriously in that way, you will still come in higher on the list than you will with the woman who puts herself first. Some men have a problem with a woman not putting him first ahead of her kids. If a guy is bothered by that and thinks he is being slighted if she puts her kids first he should NEVER date a woman with children and he should NEVER have children of his own.
Sorry Francisco, but you should be looking at this situation a bit deeper than the surface and what it would mean for you in the short term. You should put some thought into what I've written and you might see things a bit differently.
I put my children above everyone and everything, including any man in my life at any given time. That's my job as a parent. When I do get involved in a serious relationship that man comes right after the kids. The man wouldn't be less important to me than the kids...just more able to take care of his own needs than my children would be.
Once in awhile a parent will have to take care of themselves first in order to be able to take care of their kids. That is still putting your kids first because your immediate need is also their immediate need.
Wyldire has it right.
I am coming from the other end of the spectrum. I have so much love to give, so much attention to any woman out there who I find it fit to do so with....
However, my little son will always win the battle. As well he should. No questions asked.
I guess that is why they call it baggage.
I am coming from the other end of the spectrum. I have so much love to give, so much attention to any woman out there who I find it fit to do so with....
However, my little son will always win the battle. As well he should. No questions asked.
I guess that is why they call it baggage.
Damn straight! I wouldn't date a man who had children and didn't put his kids first. Not only would I understand that...I'd expect and insist on it. That's how it's supposed to be. I can't stand women who try to make fathers choose between them and their children. I've seen a lot of that and I've seen a lot of men do what the woman wants and essentially turn their backs on their own kids. Those men and woman are utterly disgusting to me.
if you were looking to take care of a kid you would of had one yourself. if you want to date a woman with a kid, understand your priorities.
(i do not date women with kids as im very good with kids and do not want a needy woman seeing me as an ideal father figure.... and making it happen.)
(i do not date women with kids as im very good with kids and do not want a needy woman seeing me as an ideal father figure.... and making it happen.)
Francisco d'Anconia
Master Don Juan
It's women with this mindset who:
- Can not find a good boyfriend.
- Date men who cheat on them
- Have mariages that get boring.
[/list=1]
They lack the understanding that a partnership type of relationship involves both parents taking care of one another TO take care of the little ones. Unfortunately, these women define themselves as mothers first and forgo the one person that can help them parent the children more effectively.
These women can not find a good boyfriend because they will not devote any real time to the relationship. They end up with guys who they believe they are 'good guys' because they don't mind playing the minor roll of "provider." More times than not, these guys can give a ton monetarily but hardly anything emotionally. This leaves the woman less than satisfied with the relationship and what does she do? She places even more effort on the children.
These women also tend to end up with men who will cheat on them. Simple reason being is that the guys aren't getting their needs fulfilled in the manner they would like because the woman has her primary focus on the children. Yeah, the man is grown, he can take care of himself. This is true, and he'll also get his sexual need taken care of himself also since wifey is in full mother mode.
Which leaves marriages that are boring. Hmmmm, sexual frustrations, no effort given to the husband, why the h3ll should he even be around other than to pay the bills? It's not as if his wife is paying attention to him. He might as well go out with the guys and have a beer or two every night after work. Oh, and look at the bartender, she's kinda cute. I wonder what time she gets off? There's nothing going on at home.
People denounce Dr. Laura but in one of her recent books "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" talks specifically of how the actions of mothers negatively impact their relationships by not focusing on the one person who could make their own lives easier. In a nutshell she says that emotionally men are "simple" creatures and women only need provide such basic necessities as respect, gratitude, food, sex, and some space for "guy time" in order to achieve the happy home they truly desire. Mothers who expound on putting their children first seldom are able/capable of providing these things consitently. Hmmm, wonder why they are single parents?
Heck, these women would rather forsake their own health for their kids, it doesn't make sense. Here's a good analogy: On a airline flight prior to take off, the flight attendant explains how to use the oxygen masks in case of an emergency. They always state that the adults should put on their masks first and then put the masks on their children. The logic behind this is that if you spend even a few precious seconds on attending to your child before taking care of yourself, you could jeopardize your own safety and then have no one available to care for your child.
Mothers by nature make the mistake time and time again of forgoing their own health for the sake of being a good mother. They have such tunnel vision on the definition of motherhood that they make the same mistakes that other mothers have made, over and over again. Completely blind to why things aren't working in their relationships. But at least they can say they are a good mother (martyr) because the put their children first.
Personally I'm more impressed by women who understand how to interact effectively with their partners in that they can actually make that person WANT to stay with them in a relationship and not stray. But is that even possible nowadays? Are there women who actually get it? More than likely 'yes' but they are so few and far between. The divorce rate in the States is high not just by the actions of the husband, when you peel away the layers, the mothers have played a role in the relationship's demise. Actually, it was the role that they didn't play.
Last edited:
( . )( . )
Banned
You dont "date" women who have kids, you bang them. Your HERE which means your one of the five percenters who "get it" which means youve won the right to forgo dating. Shes had her day and fun with the Apha who gave her the kids in the first place, now she wants the supplicant safe beta, This should not be you.
Let her find a real LTR sucker, you just keep tapping it and mind your own affairs.
Let her find a real LTR sucker, you just keep tapping it and mind your own affairs.
Francisco d'Anconia
Master Don Juan
Fear? What exactly did I post that seemed to be fear related? I could only think of a woman being fearful of what society would say about her if she would heaven forbid, put her own needs first.
Actually, they are facts based on empirical studies and not from fear from a chord striking one's personal reality. Read Dr. Schlesinger's book. Also, feel free to expound on your own situation if you'd like.
Francisco...
Before you and your ex wife has a child you should have put more thought into how it would change your relationship. It's quite clear by your post that you were jealous of your own child and resented your wife for not having as much time for you as she used to. With feedings every 4 hours, new moms don't get enough sleep. When a person doesn't get enough sleep they are tired. Sex is the last thing on their minds because they are already exhausted when they start their day from lack of sleep. If the new father helps and is patient with the changes in his relationship and takes an active role in helping and becoming a family instead of just a couple with a baby it makes a world of difference. Those changes are temporary IF the husband chooses to embrace being a family instead of resenting the changes. If the man sulks, resents and is jealous and doesn't take an active role in caring for and raising the baby he and his wife start to grow in different directions shortly after the birth. It sounds like this is what happened to you to some extent. Also, if the husband keeps busting his wife's chops for not giving him any attention when she is exhausted, suffering from sleep depravation and feels like her husband is jealous of her caring for the baby that needs her to take care of all of it's needs...she is going to resent you and isn't going to want to be intimate with you.
Yes, a mother needs to meet her husband's needs too...and being a mother who puts her kids ahead of everyone else doesn't mean you can't also meet your husband's needs. I have 4 children. My fiance who died had 3 step children and one son of his own in his life. At the time we got together my kids were 3, 5 and 7. His step kids were 10, 18 and 19. His son was 8. Each of us put our kids first and each other second. He put my kids before me and I put his kids before him as well. We had a phenomenal relationship and were realistic about our situation with all the children. We knew that the time we got alone would be less than perhaps the ideal, so we learned to make those moments count and also embrace our very large family. We did things together as a family. That made the bond between him and I incredibly strong. It made our relationship better.
I was involved with a man a few years ago who had a 3 year old son. When his son came to visit on the weekends I didn't get jealous of the time he wanted to spend with his son. Instead I planned activities for us to do that included all the kids and was fun for all of us. I'd think of something that would tire all the kids out so they'd fall asleep early and then he and I would have our alone time. That's how you have a successful romantic relationship with someone with children. If it gets serious you include the kids in the day's activities to wear them out together and then you cherish and take advantage of the night while they are fast asleep from the day's events. It sounds like in the relationship you had that inspired your posts in this thread that you were just as much to blame for the failing relationship as the woman was. There is no reason why everyone's needs can't be met. The adults need to be adults and understand that they have to wait a little while sometimes to get their attention and alone time. It doesn't sound like you were prepared to do that. Frankly, I'm surprised by that because most of the time you come across as being pretty mature. Perhaps it's a touch of selfishness on your part or maybe there were more problems in that relationship you had than just the stress and demand of a child. I'm guessing it might be a combination of selfishness on the part of both of you along with poor planning and time management and some other unrelated problems that were not addressed adequately.
Again...a woman can put her children first without neglecting herself or the man in her life. If she's neglecting herself and the man she's with then there are other things going on that is totally unrelated to the children.
Before you and your ex wife has a child you should have put more thought into how it would change your relationship. It's quite clear by your post that you were jealous of your own child and resented your wife for not having as much time for you as she used to. With feedings every 4 hours, new moms don't get enough sleep. When a person doesn't get enough sleep they are tired. Sex is the last thing on their minds because they are already exhausted when they start their day from lack of sleep. If the new father helps and is patient with the changes in his relationship and takes an active role in helping and becoming a family instead of just a couple with a baby it makes a world of difference. Those changes are temporary IF the husband chooses to embrace being a family instead of resenting the changes. If the man sulks, resents and is jealous and doesn't take an active role in caring for and raising the baby he and his wife start to grow in different directions shortly after the birth. It sounds like this is what happened to you to some extent. Also, if the husband keeps busting his wife's chops for not giving him any attention when she is exhausted, suffering from sleep depravation and feels like her husband is jealous of her caring for the baby that needs her to take care of all of it's needs...she is going to resent you and isn't going to want to be intimate with you.
Yes, a mother needs to meet her husband's needs too...and being a mother who puts her kids ahead of everyone else doesn't mean you can't also meet your husband's needs. I have 4 children. My fiance who died had 3 step children and one son of his own in his life. At the time we got together my kids were 3, 5 and 7. His step kids were 10, 18 and 19. His son was 8. Each of us put our kids first and each other second. He put my kids before me and I put his kids before him as well. We had a phenomenal relationship and were realistic about our situation with all the children. We knew that the time we got alone would be less than perhaps the ideal, so we learned to make those moments count and also embrace our very large family. We did things together as a family. That made the bond between him and I incredibly strong. It made our relationship better.
I was involved with a man a few years ago who had a 3 year old son. When his son came to visit on the weekends I didn't get jealous of the time he wanted to spend with his son. Instead I planned activities for us to do that included all the kids and was fun for all of us. I'd think of something that would tire all the kids out so they'd fall asleep early and then he and I would have our alone time. That's how you have a successful romantic relationship with someone with children. If it gets serious you include the kids in the day's activities to wear them out together and then you cherish and take advantage of the night while they are fast asleep from the day's events. It sounds like in the relationship you had that inspired your posts in this thread that you were just as much to blame for the failing relationship as the woman was. There is no reason why everyone's needs can't be met. The adults need to be adults and understand that they have to wait a little while sometimes to get their attention and alone time. It doesn't sound like you were prepared to do that. Frankly, I'm surprised by that because most of the time you come across as being pretty mature. Perhaps it's a touch of selfishness on your part or maybe there were more problems in that relationship you had than just the stress and demand of a child. I'm guessing it might be a combination of selfishness on the part of both of you along with poor planning and time management and some other unrelated problems that were not addressed adequately.
Again...a woman can put her children first without neglecting herself or the man in her life. If she's neglecting herself and the man she's with then there are other things going on that is totally unrelated to the children.
Fear of kids. You clearly had a bad experience where your relationship fell apart after having a child. You think it fell apart because of the child. However, in healthy relationships where a couple has a child the relationship doesn't fall apart and although less frequent, the intimacy doesn't just dissapear. There were underlying issues that already existed in the relationship that led to it's demise...it wasn't the child. Because of your experience you associate children with the failure of a relationship and the abscence of intimacy.
Francisco d'Anconia
Master Don Juan
You are so off base it isn't even funny. What I will say about my marriage is that I spent as much time with the children as I did with my ex and I'm not their paternal father. I've raised them as my own, watching one who serve during the Gulf war and who is now married with children and watching the youngest who has graduated college this year. Yes, I'm still in their lives after being divorced for several years.
Jealous of them? Why? I've worked hard to educate two wonderful people who have learned how to be valuable contributers to society. Why do I feel you are just projecting your own assumptions about your ex and what didn't work in your relationship?
NewMan
Master Don Juan
* GUYS READ THE ABOVE. This is one reason NEVER to get married unless you want kids - and have had all the fun - sexually or not - that you want. The above is much fo the thought process behind modern women - let this be your warning.
* Isn't it always the woman who is tired. Fvcke the guy, who works 10 hrs a day - has to put up with god knows what kinds of stress - come home and deal with all the Honey Do lists his wife wants him to do. She's been home all day, she wants to go out. She's eaten in all week - she wants to eat out. Fvck the fact that everytime the mother gets up the Dad get's waken up. No one gives a crap about him
*Become a family. Hiow can you become a family when dad get's nothing - when suddenly after she pops a kid out he's now Mr/ provider. Oh she's to tired to take care of him. Yet he still has to take on all of his responsibilities - getting nothign at home - and on top of that society doesn't even give a crap about Dad. It's all about how hard it is for mum.
* Husband busting the wife's chops? give me a break.Let's see what would happen if the Dad stopped doing things he was responsible for. Stop taking out the trash, stop mowing the lawn, stop cleaning the pool - and let's see hoe long it will take Mum to bust his chops.
Bingo.
penkitten
Master Don Juan
i think you should date whomever you want and if you choose to date someone with kids, dont get your feelings hurt when you have to take on responsibilites of the family role , because it comes with the territory.
you shouldnt have to ask someone who you like or are willing to date but yourself.
this is one of those things that everyone has a different opinion about and different advise on.
you shouldnt have to ask someone who you like or are willing to date but yourself.
this is one of those things that everyone has a different opinion about and different advise on.
When my kids were little my ex was actually a very attentive father. He was severely flawed in about every other way, though. But as the kids got older and began to think for themselves they began to have problems with him. He didn't deal with it well and now all his kids want nothing to do with him. He is actually the angry, bitter one. He blew it with his kids when they became teenagers.
The way you kept referring to husbands and wives honestly made it sound as if you were talking about your own experiences. That IS the impression I got from your posts. If I was wrong, I apologize. However, you are still way off base in your perception about women who put their kids first. You are talking about women who USE their children as an excuse to avoid intimacy with her husband. If a woman does that it's not because she's putting her kids first...it's because there were already serious problems with the relationship to begin with.
Regarding a man working 10 hours at a job...taking care of little kids, especially babies is a 24 hour a day job. You don't get a vacation or lunch break and you can't call in sick when you don't feel well. You don't get paid for the work and people tend to think it's easy.
If you believe that the father's only responsibility to his children is to go to work and pay the bills you are sadly mistaken.
Again...a couple's sex life should not die off after they have kids. It's going to slow down a bit because there are new responsibilities and those kids require time and energy. IF the relationship is good the change should only be minimal and gets better after the baby begins to sleep all night.
If a man isn't willing to share his wife with his own child he has no business breeding. Furthermore, any man who would essentially punish his child because he's upset that he's not getting as much sex is about useless. You don't withhold being a family from your child when you're unhappy with your wife. That's immature, juvenile and retarded. Men who think like that do end up divorced and alienate their kids because they hate their ex more than they love their own children. And we wonder why kids are so messed up these days. Sorry, but a father who broods and punishes his kid for wifey not putting out is no better than the wife who stops having sex with her husband.
NewMan
Master Don Juan
Give me a break. There is no comparison between taking care of a kid and working a job.
I wonder how many mother (and fathers) put their kid in front of the DVD player for 8 hrs. a day these days.
You get vacations. you get a lunch break. and you get paid (thanks Dad).
Don't think to compare sitting on the sofa and stuffing your face with chips even remotely compares to working a job.
As we see these days - anyone can raise a kid (and most people don't do a good job of it) - but not many people can hold down a good job.
Men are willing to share their life. Men are more than willing to give into the the constant bleeting of a woman to get married and have kids. What they are NOT prepared to do, is to give up sex for it. It will change, for sure - and that is expected - but there are far to many horror stories (and I have friends who live it day to day) - where the sex becomes a monthly ritual.
I even have one friend who's wife turned the bedroom into a community bed. He was pretty much forced to sleep in the spare room and mother and baby took over the bed. He subsequently left her - after months and months of trying to get her to re-evaluate. She did pretty quickly after he stopped coming home.
Men don't. Women do.
Women should know where their priorities are. Why do you think there are so many single mothers? Guys are tired of it. Going months on end without sex. Perhaps if women thought about their men once in a while we'd be much better off.
If I'm hungry I'm going to eat. If I'm not eating at home - I'm going to find someone who will feed me.
picard
Master Don Juan
I find it strange that there are many young single mothers. How the heck did they get divorce that quickly at young age? Don't these women practice birth control when they were in their teens. I find it a little scary to date these women. I worry that they might be looking for a rich weathy benefactor to raise the kids.
The final question for you guys. Is it best to avoid single women with kids ????
The final question for you guys. Is it best to avoid single women with kids ????
