Should I cut her out?

[MattTheW]

OK, so background.
I've always set boundaries on what sort of women I date
1 - Non smoker
2 - No kids
3 - Similar age

Anyways, I've had a few long term relationships, came out of the one I thought was forever about a year ago.

I took up a new hobby 6 months ago and met a girl there. We got on great, instant click. Only contact to start with was whilst doing this activity. Then I find out she's seeing someone, been seeing him pretty much since I started the hobby. We keep chatting and then one day she facebook messages me her number.

We start talking in the evenings - almost every evening for hours, about anything and everything.

A week later she splits with her bloke cos she thinks he's cheating. NOw this is the kicker.
She smokes and has kids, I was also applying for jobs that would move me closer to my family.....so at this point I wasn't too keen on starting anything serious.

She stays interested, then her ex asks if they can talk, I suggest she gives him a chance to explain.....outcome is they get back together.

I realised then that I should have made my move then and that despite her not "ticking the right boxes" that I wanted to be with her!!!!!

Me and her still been chatting, and she was talking like she wants to be with me, she even slept over once.

A week ago she finally made her choice, that she "wanted to give her relationship a go as she was already in it and didn't want to throw it away"

I'll be moving in 2 months, but I don't know what to do with regards to her

She's said that she thinks of me as more than just a friend, but she cant be anything more than that cos she is with this guy.

Until I leave I will have to see her at least once a week cos we share this hobby - and she is my partner for it....

Do I keep contact with her and bide my time (cos I don't think this relationship has legs) or do I start to cut contact now?

There is some sort of click with this girl that I didn't even feel with my ex (and I thought we were gonna be for life, had the house and everything!!)
so I'm a little apprehensive about cutting her out of my life.......

Advice greatly received

 

[jester1x]

Consider yourself lucky that you dodged a bullet. She had her fun elsewhere and the next lucky guy gets all of the responsibility and financial burden with those children. Also, your life will never be your own because of the children's father and his family. I actually do like children but you deserve your fun time too with a woman who doesn't have any children.

Your moving away is probably the best thing to happen to you. No, it won't be easy but I'd look at your moving away as a sign to move on with your life without her.

 

[Igetit!]

Matt,Matt,Matt.......dude......I almost don't even know what to say here.

I know you made this thread cause you had a question(s) you wanted to ask,but frankly,I have a few I'd like to ask you after reading all this cause dude....this sh1t is shocking,just doesn't make any sense.

A few things I'd like to highlight first.......

OK, so background.
I've always set boundaries on what sort of women I date
1 - Non smoker
2 - No kids
3 - Similar age

Anyways, I've had a few long term relationships, came out of the one I thought was forever about a year ago.

I took up a new hobby 6 months ago and met a girl there. We got on great, instant click. Only contact to start with was whilst doing this activity. Then I find out she's seeing someone, been seeing him pretty much since I started the hobby. We keep chatting and then one day she facebook messages me her number.

We start talking in the evenings - almost every evening for hours, about anything and everything.

See the part I enboldened? That was mistake #1.

Talking every day..and FOR HOURS....... BEFORE a first date has even taken place.....that a one way ticket to Friendzone-ville.

A week later she splits with her bloke cos she thinks he's cheating. NOw this is the kicker.
She smokes and has kids, I was also applying for jobs that would move me closer to my family.....so at this point I wasn't too keen on starting anything serious.

She stays interested, then her ex asks if they can talk, I suggest she gives him a chance to explain.....outcome is they get back together.

You're gonna have to help me with this one.....ok....YOU SUGGESTED???

You told the girl YOU'RE INTERESTED IN to give her ex a chance to explain things,which resulted in them getting back together. Huh? Dude...that just baffled me. YOU HELPED them get back together,then afterward,you started kicking yourself because YOU DIDN'T make a move on her yourself??? Man......that's some crazy sh1t. :crackup: What kind of "game" is that?

Your gaming skills might suck,but looks like you might have a future in counseling couples and helping them mend their relationships.

Me and her still been chatting, and she was talking like she wants to be with me, she even slept over once.

Ok,when you say "slept over"....what you mean,like you two had sex? If so,well cool. If you mean she came over to your place and you two talked,like you did in the beginning where you spoke "every evening,for hours about anything and everything" like you said earlier,that's sounds more like some sort of girl slumber party,where girls stay up all night talking about boys and relationships.

A week ago she finally made her choice, that she "wanted to give her relationship a go as she was already in it and didn't want to throw it away"

So she chose her ex. Ok,well you suggested she talk to him,and I guess he made the most out of the conversation.

She's said that she thinks of me as more than just a friend, but she cant be anything more than that cos she is with this guy.

Well that was predictable. Guess while you were talking to her about "anything and everything",her ex was flirting and generating some chemistry and emotion in her.

Until I leave I will have to see her at least once a week cos we share this hobby - and she is my partner for it....

Do I keep contact with her and bide my time (cos I don't think this relationship has legs) or do I start to cut contact now?

The answer really depends on what it is you want from her.

She told you that she was going to give her ex another chance,AND told you that she only saw you as a friend....that she couldn't be more than that with you cause of him. Now....if you want to cut contact,then fine,guess you can,but she's gonna be blindsided by it,and not understand.

She did NOTHING WRONG here. I'd stop talking to her about "anything and everything",but I wouldn't "cut" her out my life. Just do the partner/hobby thing with her til it's time for you to leave,then go. If you have any ideas about still trying to date or sleep with her,just drop it.

More importantly,you need to LEARN what all you did wrong here so as not to repeat these mistakes.

 

[MattTheW]

when this all started my game was way off
I didn't think I wanted to get involved - hence advising speaking to him!!

the sleep over, I never got to seal the deal - but definitely not friendzone stuff!!

The everything and anything also include flirting and sex chat etc (before she chose him.....)

I royally f**ked this one up lol

Cheers for the advice

 

[MattTheW]

I spoke to her yesterday with the intention of cutting out the "everything and anything", she was upset when she answered the phone. Row with her bloke.
She made out I was in with a chance - made plans to stay over tonight etc.
This morning, normality resumes, she doesn't want to leave him etc

So I told her I don't want to chit chat with her and be the guy who's like her girl pals. I told her the only time I want to speak is if she finally changes her mind - but that I didn't think that would happen, so I would just see her when we're partnering for our hobby.

 

[jay07]

Man when youre a new guy going up against a chick who is still messing with her ex you will almost always lose to the ex. These girls you just keep around for a lay.

People go with what they know and are comfortable with by nature.

My exes always hmu and most of the time its when theyre talking to some guy and wanna see if your still gonna be there. I take advantage sometimes for the lay but i dont recommend it as sometimes you will get a rush of the good times and emotionally eff urself.