Should I call?

[Alpheta]

Then you're taking out hurt from your childhood on her

LOL. You know what, you are right.

Ive been abused physically and mentally by my father. Always very demanding, and beat me if i was out of line. Blocked out any freedom as a child too. Im cool with him now but back then I literally dreamed of killing him.

 

[Alpheta]

Sorry to hear that! Truly. I hope you can get some help and find happiness and leave this poor girl be...Not a healthy relationship by any means...I've been on the other side of this and it's not fun.

elaborate if you can.

 

[dude99]

my relationship has been good so far until a week ago.

Before I get in to it, I know most of you will tell me I do not deserve her and that I had it coming. I know. I'm an ass. But hear me.

Just two days ago I was on the phone to her. I bullied her. I mean I normally do it but this was kinda harsh. For no reason too. By bullying I mean I made her feel insecure and not worthy. I wasn't even mad. I don't know, I got a thrill from it. when I said "I wana sleep" she said "we can't end the convo like this" she cried and I laughed it off. In the end she got mad and said cool, goodnight.

Since then I haven't heard from her. I NEVER initiate. It's been 2 full days.

As a guy who never initiates, should I call?

Do bear in mind that in the last week I cancelled on her too. She begged me but I said no.I didn't buy or wish her a happy birthday a few weeks back.

First things first. I do not condone bulling. There is nothing wrong with setting your boundaries and making sure people adhere to them but bulling goes too far. Now, to her.

She either needs time to cool off or she has nexted you. Either way, no. You would be wasting your time.

 

[WitnessGR]

Don't ask her what's up. You're just begging for her to dictate the frame with a question like that.

Just go about as normal. Go out with her. Treat her a little more special.

If she brings it up, just say you were cranky because you were tired and needed to sleep. Don't dwell on it further with her. Change the subject.

I agree with this.

I should also add that if you don't want to find yourself in a situation like this in the future, don't "bully" her for no reason.

Only neg her when she negs you or her ego is getting too big.

A girl I was dating once told me, "You need to lose some weight".

I told her "You could lose some yourself too. I hear my bed creaking every time you get on it."

She gasped but she knew she couldn't get mad because of what she just said.

This also. It is like being a boxer;some of the most cleanest hits you can get are a counter, when they swing and try to hit you. Their they are thinking about offense, and not prepared for defense.

 

[El Payaso]

So I called her.

I wish I read El Payasos quote before calling.

I called her. She seemed absolutely fine lmao. I had instant regret. So i got impulsive and asked her if she was okay as she hadnt called. She told me she wasnt planning on it as I was harsh the other day and was intending to call during the week as she knew i wouldnt call. She was surprised that I did. She even pointed out that shes impressed that her not talking has made me appreciate her lol. She went on and said how she feels I dont call her because of my ego. She even said that I always try one upping her and that by me calling her today I ifeel like I took a step down lmao.

I mean at least she was honest.

I explained everything to her told her Its not like i didnt care etc etc. but by the time I got to the end of the conversation, I felt like I phucked up. Therefore, in the end i told her that I want this relationship to work so in order to get rid of this patch we should go NC for 3 weeks. She wasnt happy with it but accepted (ive done this before) as its not alien to her.

I feel like I took a huge L but whatever man. At least I get to fix my **** up in this period.

I told you. Call me cynical and pessimistic but this is where your relationship will start to slide down little by little.

Every thing you do from now on will just be seen as a bluff to her.

She will expect you to pander from now on.

Good luck.

 

[xstang77]

Taking "breaks" doesn't work, you pretty much gave her the green light for a 3 week Fvck fest man.

 

[xstang77]

I'll explain, I'm out and I see a cute girl, I ask her friends what's the deal with her "oh her bf's an ass to her there taking a break" pretty much spoon fed after that, she's gonna talk to me about how much of an ******* you are to her for hours then I'll kill the poonanny. Your best move in this case is to meet her, give her the roughest sex ever and dump her ass this way you go out with a jerk like badass image to her.

 

[Alpheta]

I'll explain, I'm out and I see a cute girl, I ask her friends what's the deal with her "oh her bf's an ass to her there taking a break" pretty much spoon fed after that, she's gonna talk to me about how much of an ******* you are to her for hours then I'll kill the poonanny. Your best move in this case is to meet her, give her the roughest sex ever and dump her ass this way you go out with a jerk burning badass image to her.

gna sound hella cliche but shes not that girl.

I took her virginity. Shes a Muslim. Doesnt have a huge social circle and parents keep tabs.

I dont doubt though that, at the end of the day shes a human and things can happen.

We have decided we will meet 2 days after the NC deadline date. See how it goes.

 

[TheCuckSlayer]

I told you. Call me cynical and pessimistic but this is where your relationship will start to slide down little by little.

Every thing you do from now on will just be seen as a bluff to her.

She will expect you to pander from now on.

Good luck.

OP, I agree you lost some frame and rewarded her bad behavior and thus showed her that ignoring you is an effective way to get you to play nice. I wouldn't go so far to say as the whole thing is permanently ruined, but you got first-hand confirmation of what we were trying to tell you here. Any man is going to slip up from time to time in a relationship. If it's worth it to you, you can re-establish the frame.

 

[Alpheta]

OP, I agree you lost some frame and rewarded her bad behavior and thus showed her that ignoring you is an effective way to get you to play nice. I wouldn't go so far to say as the whole thing is permanently ruined, but you got first-hand confirmation of what we were trying to tell you here. Any man is going to slip up from time to time in a relationship. If it's worth it to you, you can re-establish the frame.

Would you call it bad behavior? I mean, I was outright cold and harsh. I could understand her action. Hence why i justified calling her (which i still regret.)

But yea, I mean it happens I guess. Ive tried to reframe myself by telling her I need a break.I couldnt think of anything else at the moment tbh.

 

[TheCuckSlayer]

Would you call it bad behavior? I mean, I was outright cold and harsh. I could understand her action. Hence why i justified calling her (which i still regret.)

But yea, I mean it happens I guess. Ive tried to reframe myself by telling her I need a break.I couldnt think of anything else at the moment tbh.

By bad behavior, I don't mean in a judgmental way AT ALL.

By bad behavior, I ONLY mean it's behavior that doesn't serve YOUR agenda.

To illustrate, by this meaning I would say your dog sh1tting on your carpet is bad behavior. Is it "really" bad? No, the dog is just being a dog, he doesn't understand that it's a pain in the azz to clean up. But purely from your perspective and agenda, it's bad behavior.

 

[Calum Tingham]

Alpheta,

Good job, you called, you learnt, you moved forward.