Should I apologize to my ex?

[lamath]

Out of curiosity, you don't think a guy/dumper can genuinely feel bad and want to apologize?

i agree on that
i feel bad about leaving ex

Reconnecting with her after all that time for an apology wont do anything for her.
If your are truly sorry leaving her alone is the best thing to do, will only bring back the hurt.
And if you want to date her again not be the best way.

 

[bizzym]

i agree on that
i feel bad about leaving ex

Reconnecting with her after all that time for an apology wont do anything for her.
If your are truly sorry leaving her alone is the best thing to do, will only bring back the hurt.
And if you want to date her again not be the best way.

Then why do you think he’s trying to reconnect? OP could selfishly just want to apologize.

 

[lamath]

Then why do you think he’s trying to reconnect? OP could selfishly just want to apologize.

Just logic no one contact an ex after that long just for apologizing,
He has been thinking alot about her and how to apologize, no one put that more effort into an old flame unless he wants something more imo

 

[Atom Smasher]

My rule of thumb is that if it’s proper for me to apologize out of principle, I will do it but I will do it with absolutely no expectations of her reaction.

Do it for yourself, if you do it at all. If you’re doing it to manipulate a situation or have some kind of expectation of a reaction, best not to apologize.

A man of principle apologizes briefly and clearly when it’s called for, but he needs self-awareness and discernment to understand why he is apologizing. Dig deep and you’ll often find a hidden perceived payoff.

 

[Roober]

I would agree with @Atom Smasher . If you do it, dont have an agenda or anything. Just be clear and concise. I would also wait until you cross paths, and not bother with anything in call or text.

If you see her, just leave it at, "hey, sorry for... I hope your doing well." I knew a girl in high school, and we got a little serious afterward. Then after a couple months, I completely disappeared on her. I didn't realize how she felt. Anyway, we reconnected a couple years later randomly at a festival and we had a heart to heart. I was just like, "hey that was stupid and I'm sorry." Anywho, we chat occasionally now and are cool.

Had I not seen her, i dont think i ever would have apologized.

 

[backseatjuan]

What do you want to apologize for? For her being a b1tch, and for you being a reason she turned that way? Hell no!

Instead you have a good time with your friends, find some good dating material, whatever, everything works, in your situation I would suggest typing AMS on youtube, will do you a lot of good, Andrew Ryan works as well. You absorb that material. You go out there, meet women, but not to form a relationship, you will have a rotation of plates. You are not ready for a relationship.

P.S. anew all your social media, and never again put a picture of a girl on there. Find advice on which pics to put on dating sites, and use that same advice to get same types of pics on your social media.

 

[GrowingPains]

How is wanting to apologize acting weak? Serious question.

Giving in to your emotions rather than acting with a rational mind.

 

[Focal core]

OP it's all good man. Everything doesn't always end as perfectly as you'd wish.

I used to want to apologize to my ex for the way I behaved as time went on and keep her as a friend. But I realized I was really only trying to make myself feel better by apologizing for behaviors I deemed as weak. Apologizing won't make her see you any differently. And if it does... It doesn't even matter. She's not in your life anymore G. You don't owe her anything nor she you.

You will feel sad sometimes. That is expected. You have to tough that out though. Acting on it will only make the memory and your attachment to her last longer. Do yourself the favor of doing the logical thing and not reaching out. You'll heal faster.

The only person you need to make peace with is yourself.

The lines I bolded speak it all. No, the apologies is about you not about her, its make you feel better, its temporary feeling that you feel right now triggered by she unfriended and u follow your social media.

It will get better, by the time you apologise shes already into something elses which make you feel even worse.. Cut it out.

 

[Ranger]

I have come to understand that most women have no concept of what an apology is from a man. Because women are inately unable to apologize unless it serves them, hearing it from a man confuses them. In there minds it MUST mean something other than your simple desire to do it on principle. What is principle to most women? It is nothing.

I have noticed that on the rare occasion I have made a simple, respectful apology to a man in front of a woman, the woman acts confused.

Once in a store I absent-mindedly blocked a guy who was looking for something on a shelf and walked away. I thought how rude I was and went back and said I’m sorry I just blocked you like that. I realized it afterwards. The man totally got it and appreciated the respect I showed him.

But I noticed a couple of women who were gazing with that look on their face that shows they couldn’t even process what they saw me do. It was beyond their grasp.

I can conceivably apologize to a classy, well put together woman (maybe 2% of the female population), because I know she will st least partially get it that I’m doing it in principle.

However, since a full 98% of women become puzzled and confused by an apology, and because it gets their hamster running with all sorts of fantastical speculations, I find that as a rule it is best not to apologize. They simply don’t get it. Sad, but true.

Astute. I’ve appoligized for some things but it was really for me.
A woman thinks there is ulterior motive. “To get back together” is generally her first thought. To her it removes the sting of being dumped and reinforces that she was right because you want her back and this empowers her.
I know this sounds crazy but it’s true.
She’s back in the power position.

 

[bizzym]

Astute. I’ve appoligized for some things but it was really for me.
A woman thinks there is ulterior motive. “To get back together” is generally her first thought. To her it removes the sting of being dumped and reinforces that she was right because you want her back and this empowers her.
I know this sounds crazy but it’s true.
She’s back in the power position.

Did you mention or preface to these women that you weren't trying to get back together?

 

[Ranger]

Did you mention or preface to these women that you weren't trying to get back together?

Did nothing like that. I apologized and moved on. With a wife, it’s very important how you do it.

 

[marmel75]

Like I said being at the restaurant has me thinking about her. I want to apologize for how I handled things.

What benefit will this have for you?

 

[Ranger]

Did you mention or preface to these women that you weren't trying to get back together?

If you apologize from the wrong frame, this is what you become. A new beta trophy for her wall. The guy that figured out he messed up and rejected her golden pvssy.

Imagine a trophy wall like a big game hunter, except that there are beta men’s heads hanging on it. You’re going up next to them. LMAO

 

[Alvafe]

Astute. I’ve appoligized for some things but it was really for me.
A woman thinks there is ulterior motive. “To get back together” is generally her first thought. To her it removes the sting of being dumped and reinforces that she was right because you want her back and this empowers her.
I know this sounds crazy but it’s true.
She’s back in the power position.

its true but also take notice, apologizing in the end is just something you do to feel better about yourself, is because you feel bad then you want to say sorry, woman never cares so they don't feel the need, and if they do is more as a social move then anything.

if you really feel the need to say sorry, say it to yourself, don't send any msg, that don't serve you anything

 

[tiziki]

"have you been to *insert place* recently at all?"

It sounds like a come on. It is a come on. No, you're trying to get back together.

 

[chris2for]

Update:

I sent her the first text a little after 12 AM. I said, "have you been to ___ recently at all?". She didn't reply back until 10 AM the next day. She said, "Just saw your message. No I haven't been. You? Hope all is well." I replied a few minutes later, "Was there last night. Just thought about you. Been feeling guilty about the way I ended things. I just had a lot of unresolved resentment that affected the way I went about things. Sorry this is so out of the blue. Just wanted to apologize that’s my only intention”. She replied, "I wish things had been better too".

Not really sure how to take her responses.

 

[Billtx49]

"I wish things had been better too".

Not really sure how to take her responses.

Her responses are only basic politeness while acknowledging that it’s in the past.
Nothing says future, but it’s extremely easy to read into her statements that something is when we’re still emotionally hooked on a girl…

 

[vanballmoos]

Her responses are only basic politeness while acknowledging that it’s in the past.
Nothing says future, but it’s extremely easy to read into her statements that something is when we’re still emotionally hooked on a girl…

Curious, given OP only asked her a yes or no question and ended his apology with
"apologizing is my only intention" what would she say to allude to the future (if that's what she wanted)?

 

[chris2for]

There's a difference between apologising from position of strenght and apologising from position of weakness.

I did send a few messages to my ex after almost a year of N/C. I apologised her for fights at the end of the relationship but I did it really to get a closure for myself, to receive redemption for my ultimate failure to keep her around. Poetic? Yes. Useless? Not Really/Yes (depends on your view).

She was initially receptive but I noticed that after she realised that I'm all good and well onto path after my dreams and she has okayish job, she included these little unpleasant remarks like she was actually trying to coach me and get superiority over me due to her internal issues.

I believe she despised that I was ok without her. In her eyes I should remain as worthless as I was at the end of our relationship. It would make her happy. It wouldn't make her doubt about her choice.

You need to understand that her recent actions (unfollowing you here and there) show her true feelings about you. She dislikes you, perhaps even hate a bit.

Your mistake is not destroying memories about your time together. I destroyed every photo, tried to forget every moment but I stopped thinking about her just couple days ago. I deleted emails to and from her day or two after sending/receiving them.

Now I'm finally at peace with it. I know I'm on the right path and she was just a milestone.

I would not contact your ex if I were you tho'. It's obvious that you still have some feelings about her. That + loneliness.

How is it obvious?

But yea by deleting her pictures off my page I thought I was doing the correct thing-removing all memories of her.

 

[soulforge]

Why? Because I was kind of a jerk to her when I ended things. Why don't you think she's thinking about me?

You will be surprised how quickly woman FORGET you, and simply move on.