Should a DJ ever apologize or explain his behaviour?

[mecca411]

Ok, that makes alot of sense to me. But is ti too late to explain things now? I mean it happened a week and a half ago. If you honestly feel that I'm better off contacting her now than leaving her alone to think what she thinks, then I'm game and I'll call her. At the same time, I'm not trying to be stalker guy who just doesn't know when to quit trying. Do you think it would make her feel better at this point to get the call and the explanation(at work btw, because I don't want to leave it on her machine at home) or to just be left alone and not have to deal with it anymore?

M.

 

[mango]

This is where the difficulty lies. In all honesty...leaving a message on her answering machine apologizing now will seem a bit stalkerish. I would think it was weird. Certainly one and a half weeks isn't a long time. You need to speak to her directly. Call her at work...ask her how she is and if she can talk for a few minutes. Its important to ask that question, because pride somehow gets us women and we then do stupid things (trust me I know). If she says she cannot talk, then you know she is trying to avoid you, but it is probably that irrational behaviour that takes over most of us. You should still proceed because what is now going to happen is that she will continue to avoid you, not really knowing or thinking that you're calling to apologize but to be a jerk and play your games. Secretly, she is playing a game too, but her game is justified in a weird twisted sort of way.
Anyhow, at this point you say quickly coz its obvious she will be trying to put you in an uncomfortable situation...quickly say...Okay I know you really can't talk, but I wish we could arrange some time to talk, but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for not apologizing for what happened that night, it was uncalled for, and immature of me and I should have handled it differently, and I just want to say I'm sorry. Its seems that you're avoiding me, and if you don't want to have anything more to do with me then I respect your wishes...you have my number call me if you want to talk.'>> > >> >

Now Mecca, you see this puts the ball squarely in her court. You're able to keep your pride and dignity. You've gotten what you wanted off your chest. Now if she doesn't call you back ever, then let it go and move on. You will be able to tell from this if she really was into you as well. I would give her up to 2 weeks to wait to hear from her. After that, then let it go. YOu will experience a little regret, but you'll be able to move on much faster because in the back of your mind you would have known that you tried and she should have been the bigger person to apologize. If you really got the feeling that she was really into you she probably will call you within a few days.

Good Luck!!!

 

[mango]

I meant she should have been a bigger person to accept your apology in the last paragraph of my post...I need to edit before I click the send button...sorry.

 

[mecca411]

Ok, that's what i was looking to hear. It wouldn't be on my mind if I'd left it with me doing the right thing and then her dissing me. Even if she had returned my call and said she didn't want to see me again after I tried to explain...that would've been fine too. It just the fact that I never really tried to set things straight before she cut me off. It's easier to NEXT when you're the one who did everything right. I'll give it a go and call her at work tomorrow. If she doesn't want to talk...that's cool too. regardless of whether or not she wants to see me I'm talking to some other girls to take my mind off it.

M.

 

[PlayerSupreme]

I am responding to the title of your thread:

Why would you want to if your not wrong. When you start backing down you might as well as fold with any wind that comes along.

 

[mecca411]

Weirdest thing...

So get this.....I just got a call from her. She asks me what I'm up to and says she's been really busy the last little while. Asked me to do something on Thursday night. So I guess she was just testing me? Weird. A week and a half later. What do you make of it? Man, I don't understand women!

M.

 

[NewMan]

Don't even try to understand them.

Just do what you do - if they dig - then cool. If not - NEXT

 

[allan976]

The Curse of Valentine

Mecca,

Very interesting outcome. Does this mean the DJ approach is vindicated after all?

This reminds me of a stalemate situation I am currently dealing with. There is a woman who I've been flirting and talking with since Nov. '03. This woman returned from a long vacation (beginning mid-Dec.) approximately a week before valentines. A few days before Valentine's, I brought her a small gift and talked to her quite a bit, joking around, etc.

It was pretty clear to both of us that Valentine's Day was weighing heavily on our minds, although neither of us of course mentioned this directly. I was spending a lot more time talking to her, and I brought a gift, so it was out in the open, although unstated.

To make a long story short, I wussed out. I said 'goodbye' rather abruptly and left the store premises where she works without asking her out. A picture is worth a thousand words right? She looked shocked. One instant she had a beaming smile, the next she looked as if she had seen a ghost.

As I was walking out, she blurted out to me loudly, in an almost desperate tone:

'Let me know when I can help with your Portuguese (she is Brazilian). I can help you... anytime.'

As I turned around, I caught a glimpse of her waving her hands, gesturing wildly. I waved and smiled goodbye but continued walking out.

I think this incident might have embarrassed her since the store was crowded with customers, and she had to shout out to me since I was already outside the store.

Mango, DJ's, do you think I was in the wrong here for walking out like that? I was criticized in another thread as misreading friendliness as true interest, but I am strongly inclined to believe she is/was interested.

How can I make it up to her if I was at fault? She has been very cold to me ever since. One time after this happened, she said to me: 'what are you doing here?' I guess that says it all. Another time, we talked on St. Patricks day, and I mentioned I forgot that it was St. Patrick's day. She said:

'Well maybe you'll remember NEXT year,'

in a very sarcastic tone. I suspect she was actually referring to Valentine's in an underhanded, indirect way.

Is it possible to turn the tide here?

 

[mango]

someone please explain to me

Allan,

Please explain to me why do you guys do things that you know will make the girl upset...hurt her feelings, don't apologize or try to make amends in no way, shape or form, then wonder whether or not you were harsh. You were harsh...so totally harsh. Let me tell you, women are really, really very sensitive, and the least little things hurt our feelings...really, we are women. How to make it up? You actually need advice for this? Just apologize, come clean. You were totally wrong for walking out just like that, the mere fact that you have to ask the question means you know you were wrong. So why not apologize?

But please answer for me...why exactly don't you try to apologize? Is it a male thing? What? Why just let it go?

 

[allan976]

what does she care? she has a boyfriend already!

Mango,

Why did I do what I did? I had no intention of hurting this girl. But this girl was giving me mixed signals like you wouldn't believe (which led to some erratic behavior on my part). That was really the heart of the matter. One the one hand, I already knew she was taken since she had already mentioned her boyfriend in a previous conversation with me. But I had already told her (BEFORE she mentioned her boyfriend) that I would bring her a college catalog since she said she was interested in taking some classes there. I honored my word and brought her the catalog as a gift.

It was fun shooting the breeze with her that day (a couple days before valentine's), and we both got caught up in the moment. She dug the attention and the gift, and I dug this 9.5 HB's receptivity to me at that moment. I stuck around for a few minutes after I gave her the catalog to soak up the attention, and seriously considered suggesting she get together with me since she said in an earlier conversation she wanted to practice English to improve her TOEFL score. I said she should practice with someone and she dug the idea.

But then, I decided against it, since I figured she had a boyfriend and therefore wouldn't pursue me seriously. That's when I decided to get on with my day and hit the streets. She became highly motivated to keep the convo flowing once I started to steppin' though! She said she could help me with portuguese anytime. She literally had to holla!' at me since I was already outside the restaurant where she works. But I figured 'you've got a boyfriend! I'm wasting my time! Later!' when I heard her say that. Of course I didn't say that, the thought just crossed my mind as I waved goodbye to her and left.

Hey, she's gotten her revenge. She's been cold as hell lately. For some reason, she can't look at me in the eye anymore; every time I try to talk to her, she TRIES to look me in the eye, but always winds up lowering her eyes, like a puppy dog who's been spanked with a newspaper. I'll admit, she does look sad as hell.

I did drop by today to talk to her and had every intention of apologizing and explaining myself. She dropped the boyfriend tag on me again though (they live together). This is after I caught her staring at me when I looked up real fast while reading the newspaper! She didn't break eye contact but instead continued staring until I broke eye contact myself. Again, crazy mad, mixed signals!!

I go to the place she works at since I've been a regular there for years, well before she started working there and will continue to frequent this local haunt. Of course I'm going to be polite to her, but she's trippin'. Maybe she thinks the same thing about me. So be it. Mango, if you really believe this girl deserves an apology after all of these games, then give me some damm strong justification. I'll be cool, but don't expect me to fall at her feet.

Allan

 

[mango]

Ok Allan,

I have to give you this one. You were justified in acting the way you did, and after hearing all the facts, I don't think she deserves an apology. The number one key thing here is that she has a boyfriend, and to top that off they live together. Nuff said. You didn't and don't therefore have to apologize or anything. It sounds to me that she is really attracted to you, and is probably torn between acting on it and knowing she has a boyfriend. That is her problem to deal with not yours. Be cordial to her still...you know...hi, hello, what's up, how you doin...that sort of stuff. Let her help you with Portuguese if you want, but leave it at that. However, know that the more time you spend around her, the more attracted she will probably become to you especially if you aren't really paying any direct attention.

Her acting cold toward you now is her way of putting up defences so that she doesn't feel for you so much, and too because she now thinks you're not really interested. But its not up to you to show you're interested...it is selfish on her part...very selfish since she has a boyfriend. Despite her being cold to you...I would still be nice and cordial with her. Its going to irritate her, but you know when she really thinks about it...you'll just be being a gentleman.

Are you interested in her?

 

[allan976]

brazilian hot body, she'll get no apology from me!, continued

I want to open this convo up to all DJ's, but Mango, I appreciate your take.

Yes, I am still interested in the brazilian girl, but she is one element in the larger picture. I talked to her today actually. I can tell she is still interested; she keeps looking at me sideways over her shoulder, like when I walk past, but tries to avoid eye contact when I face her directly. She is very sneaky in her interest. She also stared at my chest and her eyes bugged out when I tapped my chest and said the soda I was drinking was giving me heartburn! I was wearing a white polo shirt (which contrasts nicely with my tan skin) and left it unbuttoned all the way down for her sake, so I guess that got her mojo workin'!

For DJ's who suspect I'm wasting my time with her, I have to say I'm almost obligated to talk to her since I'm a regular at this place she works at. So I'm not wasting my time by visting a place I don't normally go to; it's just that she happens to work at one of my favorite local spots.

Allan

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Mecca, if you were getting pains in your stomach and agonizing over this for a few days then you know that the proper thing to do is apologize. Your guilty conscience is causing physical pain and mental torment - this is a good sign that you did something wrong!!

She called you a week and a half later because her interest in you is greater than the prior mishaps and your insensitivity towards her - this shows high interest level on her part!

Still casually apologize to her in person, she'll appreciate your humility and may reward you accordingly!!

 

[white_hype]

Originally posted by mecca411
I was kind of seeing this girl over the past month and one time our plans got kind of messed up because of me, but she seemed to be flexible and we could reschedule. A couple weekends ago, on a Saturday night when we were supposed to hang out, I kind of messed up with her again, but it wasn't entirely my fault. It had alot to do with miscommunication and misshap. When I look back at it though, I can see why it would really piss her off. I didn't get a chance to explain to her what happened because I assumed I would get that chance the next day only...she never returned my calls and still won't a week later.

I feel like crap because I really liked this girl(even if I wasn't head over heals for her) and whenever i think about what happened and the fact that I was just cut off without begin able to explain or apologize I get an aaweful feeling in the pit of my stomach (a bit like nausea) and I can't eat. I've been thinking about it everyday I haven't been able to talk to her. Whenever I left a message on her machine it was just to say"give me a call back" or "Let me know if you have plans for tomorrow". I never left a message to say that I was sorry for the mix up or attempted to explain what really happened and the fact that it had nothing to do with how I felt about her.

Should I just suck it up and get over it? Or should I call her one last time and leave a message on her machine letting her know that the apparent flakiness or avoiding was due to unexpected misshaps and that I really enjoyed spending time with her? I've never been cut off completely before and it feels sh*tty. Mostly because I know it was my fault and we didn't even get a chance to talk about it. What would a dj do?

M.

keep in mind i didnt read anyone elses reply but im going under the assumption that they are all stupid replies (they are more often than not)

i totally know where youre coming from (i think) and i think the reason you feel you "like" this girl even though you didnt really like her that much before she becamse a CHALLENGE. i like you ( i assume) dont like the eas\y girls... you want a girl that puts up a challenge and makes you work for her... this makes you think she is worth the time/effort and is somehow special/better than the other girls that give it up on the 2nd-3rd date

if i were you i wouldnt keep calling her, id give her 1-2 weeks to call back (after i left a message saying something like hey whats up, too bad we couldnt meet up on xxx but call me back when you get this, bye" and if she doesnt respond in that timeframe id call her back... but in the mean time QUIT AGONIZING OVER 1 GIRL, NO GIRL DESERVES THIS UNLESS YOU TRULY LIKE HER/LOVE HER... not some slut you met once or twice and know almost nothing about... this is a wake up call.. you are not doing your service to all the other ladies out there by not putting yourslef out on the seen and crying like a little b1tch over this girl

when you grow a pair let them drop and maybe you will understand

(this is all to motivate you to get over it and get yourself out there)

GOOD LUCK SOLIDER