Should a DJ ever apologize or explain his behaviour?

[mecca411]

I was kind of seeing this girl over the past month and one time our plans got kind of messed up because of me, but she seemed to be flexible and we could reschedule. A couple weekends ago, on a Saturday night when we were supposed to hang out, I kind of messed up with her again, but it wasn't entirely my fault. It had alot to do with miscommunication and misshap. When I look back at it though, I can see why it would really piss her off. I didn't get a chance to explain to her what happened because I assumed I would get that chance the next day only...she never returned my calls and still won't a week later.

I feel like crap because I really liked this girl(even if I wasn't head over heals for her) and whenever i think about what happened and the fact that I was just cut off without begin able to explain or apologize I get an aaweful feeling in the pit of my stomach (a bit like nausea) and I can't eat. I've been thinking about it everyday I haven't been able to talk to her. Whenever I left a message on her machine it was just to say"give me a call back" or "Let me know if you have plans for tomorrow". I never left a message to say that I was sorry for the mix up or attempted to explain what really happened and the fact that it had nothing to do with how I felt about her.

Should I just suck it up and get over it? Or should I call her one last time and leave a message on her machine letting her know that the apparent flakiness or avoiding was due to unexpected misshaps and that I really enjoyed spending time with her? I've never been cut off completely before and it feels sh*tty. Mostly because I know it was my fault and we didn't even get a chance to talk about it. What would a dj do?

M.

 

[ToP DoN]

yeah if youre wrong

and quickly ...it shows that you are secure enough to admit when you're wrong...if you are wrong....

but if you dont care at all for the hoe bag ...then i would...depends on the girl....

 

[Skel]

sure if you are wrong then apologize. Once again there is a difference admitting that you are in the wrong and being an AFC that says Sorry when you really arent.

For example if you go into a grocery store because you want some captain crunch and there is only ONE box left in the whole store and you and some hot chick are both walking towards that box of Crunch and you get there first, Dont say sorry because you really arent sorry. You would be sorry if she got it first. AFC's would probably say sorry and give her the cereal.

You got what you wanted...are you sorry for that? I would be.
I would tell that girl that she should walk faster next time.

 

[mecca411]

I just want her to know what really happened to put my own mind at ease. I also recall that when we first went out I said to myself "Even if I don't continue to date this girl, I'd still want her as a friend". I also see her sister quite a bit at the club I go to. haven't seen her since the cutoff, but I wonder what that will be like. Do you think I should call and leave a message on the girls phone, relay the message through the sister next time I see her or just say "fvck it, sh*t happens!" and move on? How do I get over the deep feeling of regret and replaying it in my head all the time thinking "what if I had just said this instead or done that?". KNow what I mean?

M.

 

[ToP DoN]

dont have the case on one-tis

who the fvck cares...whats done is done...

 

[squirrels]

Only when you're blatantly out of line, as in when you've done something obviously malicious or offensive. Never for sympathy or to win approval.

I rarely apologize for what I say or do if I believe it's the truth. I will, on occasion, apologize for the results of that action if someone is unnaturally hurt by it.

A real man can admit when he's wrong, but doesn't back down when he feels that he's right.

 

[killerasp]

well..if you know you did something wrong and it was your fault..."im sorry" would be appropriate. Remember it for future reference, but i dont see a point in apoligizing for something that happened a while back.

 

[mecca411]

I don't think it was a major screwup and I think she should've at least returned my calls and we couldve talked about it. I'm sure she just feels like I was acting like I was hot sh*t and puttin gher second. SHe might even think of me as a player. I just wanted to clear things up. The way it was left leaves me feeling crappy and looking like a bit of an unreliable jerk. That's big part of what's bothering me. Do you think i should juist forget about calling and maybe next time I see her or her sister out I can fill them in on a few details and what was really happened?

M.

 

[Matt ala Casanova]

I can say as a DJ, that it is ok to say sorry when you are wrong. You have admitted that you were wrong so say your sorry. The girl isn't going to flip and get a power trip about it. The rowing is equal in this endevour to find a good woman. You need to compromise every now and then. What a woman tries to avoid is conflict, it is typically us men who cause it.

So to sum it up, call her and talk to her, DO NOT say sorry in a voicemail!

Goodluck!

M.A.C.

 

[mecca411]

So, what about the fact that I've already left messages on her voicemail that she's never returned. It was a week and a half ago. I left a message on the Sunday because we said we'd do something, but she never returned the call. I tried her on the following thursday from my cell when I was on the road out of town and got her roomate, but I just said that I would try her again on the Friday. On Friday, I was still on the road and got her machine and told her that I would call her on the Saturday. On the Saturday, I left a message saying asking her what she was up to on Sunday because I had some fun stuff planned for us to do and that she should give me a call.

In the messages I never mentioned anything about the Saturday night before where I messed up. I never left any apology or explanantion, but it's clear that she doesn't want to talk to me.

I have her work number which she has called me from a few times. I could try her there and would most likely get her because there is an extension to her phone with no caller id. She also has a personal phone box there so I'd be sure only she would hear the message. Should I even bother trying her back at this time? I really want to clear the air, but at the same time I don't want to come off as a desparate chump or stalker.

I'll probably run into her sister at this bar that I go to some weekends. Should I just wait until then and relay the message through her sis? Let me know what you think. I'm waay hung up on this for some reason and I haven't really felt any better as time passes.

M.

 

[NewMan]

It takes a real man to admit when he's wrong and oppologize when necessary.

That in my opinion is a DJ way.

What is not exceptable is to grovel and continue to be sorry for something you've already oppologized for. If the girl continues to bring it up - you walk.

 

[mecca411]

Ok, but what ae you saying? Are you saying that i should call her at work and try to set things straight that way? I'll never get her at her home number and I don't think I can leave a very effective voice message. What should I do?

M.

 

[mango]

Mecca...

Mecca,

I say call her at work or wherever you can find her to clear the air. Maybe that's all she is waiting for...for you to say that you're sorry and mean it. If she thought you were a nice guy before then you're blowing it by continuing this behaviour and only making her think more that you're not worth her time or even a call back. Its obviously bugging you and because it bugs you so much, it must mean you're really a nice guy after all. You will not appear to be a wuss, but just state your case and say to her if she still wants to have no contact afterward then you respect her wishes...then you can move on but atleast you will not have that feeling of regret.

I'm actually in a situation now where I wish the guy would call to apologize. Its been 2 months now, and he knows he was wrong. I would forgive him, but its important to me that he asks for forgiveness or else I will be the wuss. I had to stand up for what I believed in and what was important to me. I initiated the no contact, and there really has been no contact at all...no nothing. Right now, I'm thinking that I made the right decision because obviously if he was sorry and really a decent person he would have made an effort to atleast state his side of the case...although I didn't give him that opportunity I just said don't contact me again and he didn't. I'm thinking...just like that?

 

[mecca411]

Well, she doesn't know me all that well because we've only been out a few times even though we've been talking for about a month. I doubt she sees me as a nice guy because she's had her suspicions that I'm a player. When she'd ask questions like "have you ever had a one night stand" or anything related to dating or sex...she'd look at me really surprised and tell me "whatever". She'd also notice other girls checking me out on our dates and mention it to me and not believe me when I said I didn't notice. But I never gave her any reason to think that I was playing her around other than putting her second to hanging out with my boyz one night. A few little blunders here and there added up the straw that broke the camel's back. In the past I never used to care about his kind of thing, but now that I'm getting older I don't like to play the same kinds of games. She's a great girl and I just think I'd feel a whole lot better if she knew what was really the deal.

M.

 

[mecca411]

But maybe I'm better off waiting until I see her or her sister out. This kind of thing would be a whole lot easier in person. Bad shyte can happen on the phone sometimes. Also, someone said that calling her at work might piss her off even more. What do you think?

M.

 

[mango]

Well you see that's sort of tricky....would you be able to set things up so that you ran into her? Only thing there is, if I were her I would think...'so if he hadn't ran into me, would he have at all tried to apologize?' Us women are like that. We overanalyze to a tee. I agree though that to really talk to her should be done in person. That way you can really see her reaction. The phone is awkward. All I know is...the sooner the better. The longer you allow it go on without doing something, the more whatever is going threw her mind will marinate and she will be guilty without being proven innocent. I didn't realize the whole cut-off without explanantion really affected guys like that. I wonder if the guy I had this similar problem with is thinking just like you.

Anyhow, I wouldn't listen to what others on this thread have said. Its obviously bugging you and you should deal with it. You also too seem to care about her more than you are letting on. If you don't mind why exactly didn't you apologize in her presence right after the incident happened. What prevented that? And why did you decide to go about it the way you did? Did you think that she would run after you expecting you to explain your behaviour?

 

[mango]

Mecca

I meant you will be guilty without being proven innocent

 

[mecca411]

Well, I actually did say "I'm sorry I missed your call. Looks like we couldn't get together tonight." Then I asked her what her plans were the next day and said that we should do something after her sister left. She said" ok, just call me sometime during the day". And that was that. I figured we'd be hanging out the next day so i'd have plenty of time to explain what happened. But then she never returned my call and so I never again had the opportunity to set things straight. I still don't want to make things worse by trying too hard to contact her. I'd rather have her think of me as an unreliable jerk or player than as a desparate chump or stalker. I will though if you think I stand a good chance of making things better rather than worse.

M.

P.S. there's no guarantee that I'll run into her anytime soon, but her sister is out almost every weekend at the same bar so I'll most likely run into her.

 

[Gonzalo]

I´m not sure I got it right, but you were seeing this girl, and everything broke because miscommunication/stood her up this ONE time? I mean, people, I guess it´s proper of a gentleman to call and say sorry, and thats that, but if she won´t take your calls (or get back after she sees that you´ve called her), why break your balls over this one girl? I think the "DJ thing to do" is not try to stablish the proper amount of days to wait and the best time to call, but learn to let go of flakes/inflexible girls. Good luck. G

 

[mango]

Mecca don't you see?

Don't you see? Here it is you're calling her making plans to do stuff, and not addressing the misunderstanding /issue that is unspoken between you two that was as you say your fault. She may agree to you making plans etcetera, but she isn't going to come out and say...'so aren't you going to address or talk about what happened the other night?' As far as she is concerned, if you are/were sorry about it you would have apologized. She probably by now thinks you're a jerk. She is probably trying not to blow a fuse or create a big stink about it by being cordial when you do contact her and say yea sure. Afterall, if you invited her to something after her sister left and she said yea sure...if she had in fact said...I don't think so, then you probably would have asked what's wrong and she would have had to go into what it was which would have been the incident, and as far as she's concern you were wrong and should bring it up and apologize. She probably thinks you're not really interested...that' you're playing games, and she doesn't want to be catty about it and say oh you're this..oh you're that. She doesn't know and she's not assuming. All she knows is...you 2 had plans or whatever...you flaked on her...didn't apologize (she doesn't know you intended to apologize when next you met up with her) you just call to make plans like nothing happened at all and so she's saying why should she break her back keeping these plans with you, after all its okay for you to flake when you're ready, plus there is no committment on her part to you. In all honesty I probably would have done the same thing she did.

Mecca, she doesn't know you want to apologize to her...everyone on this board knows but she doesn't. As far as she is concerned you're a jerk, you haven't apologized for something that was your fault and yet she is supposed to be after you or sitting around waiting for your apology...Get real. Despite what most would think there are alot of non-flaky, very flexible women out there who still when it calls for it will show strength in times of weakness. I commend the girl for not making a big issue out of it...she's just letting it go...and why shouldn't she?

Until you apologize and state your case she is justified in how she is acting.