She's perfect, except for looks

[Beckwith]

Hey guys, I've date this girl up at school, and we've agreed to date other people in the summer and pick things up in the fall (my idea), Anyways, this girl really is amazing. She is incredibly smart and studious, parties hard and knows how to have a good time, is ambitious, kind, well liked, ethical, and has a genuine sense of humor. Everything about this girl is almost perfect, except for her looks. She's cute (6.5 about) but I've dated cuter girls. Anyways, I really like her alot, but I'm worried that I might be to hung up on looks and that it will inevitablely result in me subconsciously spoiling the relationship by lingering on it. I mean, with so many hot girls (8's, 9's) up at school, its hard not to be shortsighted and just go after the hot tail. This girl is great in bed, but sometimes I wonder how much better it would be if she were hotter.

I know that you guys can't offer a ton of advice on this, but I just wanted to hear from people who have been in similar situations. What should you do when you find someone you really click with and admire, she's crazy about you, but you find yourself worried if she's "hot enough"? I mean, it can be hard to beat that feeling when you walk into a room with a real stunner and everyone is jealous. Input please! Thanks!

 

[FlyGuy]

Dude, don't be so shallow! I could understand if she was dog ugly, but according to you she is above average and she has everything else going for her! To me she sounds like a keeper, but you have to ask yourself what the most important thing is in a woman. If you want looks then go for it. Nobody can tell you what you want, decide for yourself.

Just remember that looks fade. Personality usually sticks for life.

 

[JohnJones]

I would agree, especially since she's apparently in the ballpark anyway -- however, if the attraction quotient goes down (i.e., you start to notice that you aren't attracted to her quite as much), that becomes a more insidious problem.

 

[Reto]

I've been hung up on looks all my life.

I've finally decided the reason was that I wanted a hot girl to show off to my friends. I cared more about what people thought than having a girl friend that was great in every way but looks.

I'm seeing a girl right now who is an 8.5. Great face, great body, great sense of humor. But sometimes the biggest ding-dong in the world.

Last summer I did a couple of Adventure races with this chick I met at the gym. She was a 6. Athletic body, small chest. But, she was cool. We always had a great time. She could kick my @ss (almost) in running, biking and conoeing. She could even hang when it came to partying. She moved out west to get her Masters.

Anyway, if I had a choice between the two, I'd choose the 6. Yeah, she's no show horse, but we had a blast doing all the things I love to do.

I just need to find one that has a combination of the two...

 

[drZaius09]

Someday when you grow up you'll realize that looks aren't everything when it comes to a decent woman. In fact, the more attractive they are, the more of a headache they inevitably become. You've got a laundry list of wonderful qualities there (not the least of which is "good in bed") that most men would be more than happy with.

I mean, it can be hard to beat that feeling when you walk into a room with a real stunner and everyone is jealous.

Step back and take a look at what you're saying here. Is garnering the attention and envy of others your sole purpose for being with a girl? Are you so insecure that you feel the need to make perfect strangers jealous of whatever happens to be hanging off your arm? I feel sorry for you if that's the case, but especially for this girl you're with.

 

[drixsa]

damn, even if you were caring abot what other people thought(which you shouldnt) so many ppl would kill to have a girl/even wife that had all those qualities

espically being able to party hard

if you fukk this up itll be worse than losing a pretty face

 

[Beckwith]

Yeah, I see what you're saying

Thanks for the replies guys; that really helped. I just needed to be reminded of how lucky I am. I guess I'm kinda of getting "pre-emptive" cold feet because I know that once I get back to school for the fall, I will likely have to make a committment to a serious relationship with this girl. She really is something special, and I know that a relationship with her will help me grow alot as a person. I think doubts about her looks is just one way I am trying to avoid a committment, which I find intimdating (never been in a serious relationship before).

Sorry to sound shallow, its just as you all know people look back on college as the time to date as many people as possible and get laid as much as you can. I mean, it seems that just about every man over the age of thirty five wants to be back in college trying to get tail. SO many people refer to college as the best years of their lives that its alittle worrying (I don't want any regrets). This is going to be my senior year and after a using SoSuave this past year I dated more than I have before, and I wanted to flex my muscles my senior year and really get some action. Then I met this girl and now I'm having to deal with a possible reorientation of priorities.

I guess I just need to figure out whether this fixation on looks is more of a defense thing or a serious problem that would hurt the relationship. Thanks for the input, and more thoughts on getting over looks are welcome!

 

[comote]

I am going to take a position different than the one taken by the other responses. Probably since I can relate. The problem is looks you say, I doubt that is really it. When you really like a girl and she is above average, you will more than likely bump her up a couple of notches in your head.
I would bet the problem is more likely that she is a female version of an afc.
I have some questions that you should seriously think about.
1) Do things she do, while not upsetting kind of annoy you or get on your nerves?
2) When you are around her do you kind of look forward to being alone?
3) When you are apart do you look forward to seeing her again.
I would probably guess that you are still feeling like you are too young to get involved yet you think that this girl is everything you would want in a gf/wife.

Oh and too boot, if she were hotter I doubt she would be better in bed.

 

[xblitz44x]

I personally don't think it's shallow at all. The attraction is nothing that you can control. You can't say "I'm going to be attracted to this girl because she's SOOO nice, and I'm not going to be attracted to that supermodel because she's a bytch". You just can't do that. You can consciously tune yourself out and tell yourself you don't like her - but you'll still be unconsciously compelled.

It's the same thing with this girl. You want to like her so much because she's got everything else going for her, but you're not compelled to sleep with her. There is a technical reason for that, but I doubt you'll want to hear it. Just know that it's not shallow for not being compelled to a nice girl. She just doesn't do it for you.

-Blitz

 

[comote]

Ok Blitz, I'll bite, I want to hear the technical reason.

 

[FlyGuy]

Blitz, obviously he is attracted to her enough to sleep with her... what he is talking about seems more like "the grass is always greener".

So IMO that makes this a bit shallow.

 

[-HPNOTQ-]

this is such a tough senerio.

its easy for everyone to say 'yea..don't be soo shallow' but if her personality is awesome, yet, you're only somewhat attracted by her beauty then it will linger in you forever.

trust me, this isn't something you can just 'Get Over'. In your mind right now, you are wondering if you can get better. I know in life, there is always better out there, but if you aren't genuinely happy with your 6.5 girl in every aspect, you'll always look at those 8.5-9's women and ask yourself 'damn I could do better'

I mean, it can be hard to beat that feeling when you walk into a room with a real stunner and everyone is jealous.
- beckwith

take me as being a bit shallow, but i know exactly where you're comming from. after dating a 8.5-9 type chicks, its hard to go back to a 6.5-7..after a while, they just don't do it for ya.

imma leave you with this thought from the 'guru' pook:

Here is your choice: settle for mediocrity or aim high. The former is simple, can occur right now, and only requires the selling of your dreams. The latter demands rigor, the higher you aim the more rigorous, but your dreams can come true..

-HQ

 

[FlyGuy]

Guys, OBVIOUSLY looks matter. But WHY should looks be above EVERYTHING ELSE? Like I said, it all depends on what you as an individual place the most value on. While I like a pretty face myself, I wouldn't just toss out a high quality girl because she was only "cute" and not "fvcking HOT".

 

[-HPNOTQ-]

Flyguy.

I agree with you, that looks shouldnt take precident over everything else. However, different strokes for different folks. And, it usually comes with experience.

generally:

when we were 18-22, we hit the clubs hard. most guys didnt care about finding 'miss right'. we cared about finding 'miss RIGHT NOW'. we didnt care if she majored in underwater basket weaving or that she worked at the Corn Dog On A Stick. as long as the woman was a knockout HB that stroked your interest level, you could put up with the other stuff.

as we get older, our tastes change. we become more refined, and demand that from the women we date. we want the 9.0 wife who can talk about baseball, cook up a good steak, has a great career, and is great in bed - we all want the whole package. yet, 'refinement' is different for everyone. some would gladly give up looks for an honest woman that they can settle down with. others, like myself, had the whole package of beauty, brains, honesty, but unfortunately i screwed it up because i was too career focused.

i've learned my lessons, however, i know that the whole package is out there..i've had it before..it's out there for everyone.

 

[MysteryWoman]

So why have you not got the whole package. To find a stunning woman who is great in bed, extremely intelligent, faithful, easy cooking and a great cook is rare.

Despite even if a woman is hot you can't expect her to be perfect. She might not be a great cook or be interested in cooking. She might not be stupid but neither extremely intelligent.

Hell I would love a guy with model looks who is extremely intelligent, great cook, fantastic in bed e.t.c. But the chances are that we would all be single for a long time if we weren't going to comprosmise on some of these factors.

And if someone meets this criteria, they are going to expect an awful lot back from you.

 

[Beckwith]

Comote: No, she doesn't annoy me at all, no I don't look foward to being alone when I'm with her, and yes, I genuinely miss her. Those are good questions though and are important to look at.

All others: It's not so much that I have the "I'm looking for a wife" mentality (my parents are divorced and consequently I'm skeptical about marriage and have no plans for that before I'm thirty). It's more like I believe that a relationship should make you grow as a person andc hallenge you, not just provide steady p$ssy. This girl can do that for me. However, I don't want to commit to a relationship if I can't put this "grass is greener" mentality out of my head.

For instance, I'm waiting tables this summer and I'm constantly wondering if I could be working at a better restaurant where I would make more tips. This is an immature attitude and its keeping me from enjoying what I have.

Am I attracted to this girl? Yes. Am I attracted enough so that I can forget about other women? I'm not certain about that yet. Basically, I think that people feel happy in a relationship when they feel they are "lucky" to be with that person. I feel lucky to be with this girl when I think about what an amazing person she is and other guys fall head over heels for her (which I've seen) because she's what they are looking for. However, there are those brief moments when I walk down the street and see that gorgeous blonde and it makes me feel alittle less lucky.

 

[drZaius09]

Re: Yeah, I see what you're saying

Originally posted by Beckwith
SO many people refer to college as the best years of their lives that its alittle worrying (I don't want any regrets).

Do you really want to be one of those people? I pity them, living in the past as they do. "The best years of my life were in college." That's really sad. Imagine how truly pathetic their lives have become to think that.

 

[Slickster]

Originally posted by xblitz44x
I personally don't think it's shallow at all. The attraction is nothing that you can control. You can't say "I'm going to be attracted to this girl because she's SOOO nice, and I'm not going to be attracted to that supermodel because she's a bytch". You just can't do that. You can consciously tune yourself out and tell yourself you don't like her - but you'll still be unconsciously compelled.

It's the same thing with this girl. You want to like her so much because she's got everything else going for her, but you're not compelled to sleep with her. There is a technical reason for that, but I doubt you'll want to hear it. Just know that it's not shallow for not being compelled to a nice girl. She just doesn't do it for you.

-Blitz

Blitz I've got to disagree.

Think of how many guys have stayed in relationships with HOT chicks with no personalities. Just cuz shes an idiot people are still attracted to her.

On the other hand from experience I've noticed how my perception of how attractive someone is skyrockets once I get to know how great of a person they are.

When we are talking extremes in regards to personality and looks I can see your point. eg. I don't care how nice that 2 is, I'm not going to feel attraction. Likewise that 9 has a 2 personality she's not going to be around long either.

But we're dealing with an above average looking girl 6.5 here and I don't think you're theory applies.

Sex plays a HUGE part in this. If the sex is great then attraction inevitably goes up.

BECKWITH: Watch Shallow Hal.

 

[-HPNOTQ-]

MysteryWoman.

I agree that everyone's definition of perfection is different. Like i said before, refinement comes with age and experience.

of course we must compromise some areas in order to find the ideal mate, i dont dissagree. however, for some men, looks and intellegence may not be something they can let go of.

i would be a fool to say that Brad Pitt and the average Joe Somebody have the same expectations of a woman. But, there is nothing wrong in having high expectations of your mate. Especially if you, as the man, have equally high expectations of yourself ie, work out, read novels, maintain a good career, etc.

It's like that old saying.."every man's floor is another man's celling" what is to someone's perfect can be someone else's average.

I don't claim to be the next Brad Pitt, but, what I want in a woman maybe considered being 'too picky'...but, settling isn't my style..i would rather be a single man than settle.

 

[MysteryWoman]

No I am not saying drop your standards. Just don't write a good looking woman off because they are not a great cook or are extremely intelligent (provided they are not stupid). Women with model looks are in the minority, the ones which are single and fill all the requirements are rarer still. So you may be single for sometime.

I am also very selective, it is very hard for me to get attracted to a guy. The majority of guys I feel no attraction towards them.
However I don't care about money and he doesn't have to share the same interests, music taste as me. This is where I'm prepared to compromise.