She's interested and how now pulled back, need help with my situation

[Jordan0123]

Okay so im new to the forums here. I have read around a bit and picked up some details from people in similar situations as mine.

So the background: Met this girl through a mutual female friend. Now i met this girl out about a month ago and we added each other on facebook and we chatted quite a bit since then. I would always tease her with the ****y and funny routine and neg her like crazy. This worked well and i ended up getting her number after seeing her again. Did the same thing over text.

Eventually called the girl and we hit it off, even though she is extremely shy at first. So i invite her to meet out but she suggests to just chill at my place. So we did and we ended up just hanging out and at the end of the night i kiss closed her when i dropped her off. Got texts almost immediately saying how she loved the night etc. She then arranged to do the same thing a few nights later. Same kind of thing happened. Just chilled and at the end of the night a few kisses.

few nighst later we were supposed to go out with her friends, my friends and a meet up at a club. Her friend ended up getting wasted and took her home. She said come by later and pick her up, which i did. Now i took her home to my place and realised i didnt have a rubber. Dumb i know, so we ended up just giving each other head. We stayed up till the early morning just chatting and laughing about random ****. She did ask some serious questions about my ex's, how i see her etc. I was kinda still drunk at this stage so cant remember the exact details of the situation.

Fast forward to the next few days and she has gone a little cold on me, wont respond to texts straight away. So i dont either when she sends me one. Seems non committal when i asked her when shes free to catch up again. Basically I feel like she is losing interest.

My question is what to do? I've already thought about ignoring her for a few days and seeing what that does. Keep in mind that this girl is quite shy and doesn't initiate things too much. I feel like she likes me, but she is hesitant for some reason. Is it because i didnt follow through all the way? Did i show my interest too much too soon? Shall I back away or ask her out again soon? I havent been hitting her up as much since i got that feeling she is distancing herself a bit and have played it cool. I know I have many questions and its kinda long but this is the first girl i actually have liked a bit in a while after meeting many lately who havent done it for me. Any advice would be great as i dont want to ruin something that could work. Thanks

 

[Allurre]

I guess she's the shy one out of the bunch you've met lately?

If she's losing interest overnight, it could've been something you replied to her (when drunk) that disturbed/disappoint her.

If she's still down with you, just setup a date to meet up in 3-4 days. If she declines or doesn't reply, get over it. Move on or wait until she initiates contact.

 

[Jordan0123]

I think it might have been, i somewhat remember saying i actually genuinely like her. Maybe letting her know im into her too much too soon? Thats all i said but, nothing sappy or anything. Maybe she is upset that I didnt seal the deal and that she is just in it for the sex, which she didnt get because of my stuff up. Could that really make a girl lose interest fast?

What do you reckon i should do, ignore her for those 3-5 days and then call her and try and organise something? Or keep in slight contact (so im staying on her radar) with a few funny sms's etc. I dunno it seems like her interest died and i do not know why! So hard to figure out, very frustrating.

 

[Allurre]

Don't waste your time trying to think about what happened. She may just want some time to think about what you said. Don't let what happend dampen your spirits - this is a numbers game.

Just try set up a date again - if no response, then move on.

I see no point in sending funny sms - if the scenario is that she's losing interest.

 

[mahoney]

wont respond to texts straight away.

send fewer texts. And you should never expect instant responses to texts anyway (regardless of if you had them before). Nearly all the advice threads on this board are dudes with this same problem overtexting and overworrying about text - read any of the threads on the front page, they're all kind of similar. What is the need for all this texting? Especially now something physical has happened

Also even if she is/was a texter type girl, the terms of your connection have changed with her. Before, both of you wanted something to happen. Now something HAS happened. This is a change. A good change but a change nonetheless

Ask yourself...what is the reason you are sending so many texts and waiting on each one?

Dudes tend to send a text, get a reply....and then send another one, always going first - and then wondering why the girl doesn't send first - there are already too many and how can she ever initiate one if the dude is always sending

Girls tend to receive a text and then kind of daydream about it before responding, and then daydream/saviour it afterwards - this spell is broken if then there is another, and another. Every additional one kind of lessens then value/impact of each one

Plus, this is someone you can see in person. Texting should just be to arrange stuff nothing more, the rest? in person

 

[Jordan0123]

Thanks man, from what i've read its important to be congruent and try and keep momentum rolling. So if i ignored her, even more momentum would be lost. Then she would sense i was being distant and therefore letting her know i felt awkward. That's why i thought sending texts here and there, like we have been doing would be my best chance to try and get her interest back as whatever the problem is (i dont know what it is) i haven't even acknowledged.

So what do you think would be the best plan of attack for setting up a next date?

 

[Jordan0123]

Mahoney, thats some real awesome information there. I guess i just want to find out the reason for her losing a bit of interest. I still think i have a shot, but yeah just curious.

I think thats what i will do, hang back on the texting and facebooking. Even though thats where we initially built attraction towards each other. So ill scale back and then check in with her and see if she wants to do something early next week. Ill try a phone call and if she doesnt pick up, ill just text her and see if she wants to catch up, nothing too serious, something lighhearted and fun. if that doesnt work, well then ill leave it and pursue other girls.

 

[mahoney]

Mahoney, thats some real awesome information there. I guess i just want to find out the reason for her losing a bit of interest. I still think i have a shot, but yeah just curious.

Of course you still have a shot, this 'losing interest' thing - this is very likely to just be in your own head because of stressing too much and thinking about it the whole time (we're talking timeframes of only a couple days, stop expecting constant contact)

You don't have to find out the "reason she lost interest", this is too serious, its not an exam. You don't even know she lost interest - you just think she did because you're now in a hurry to make it more serious. Instead of enjoying the fact you have got it to where you are now, you want to intensify. Be very wary of this term "momentum", it usually means speeding up, too fast too soon and blowing it. Relax more

Most of the problems dudes on here are having with stuff like this is all in their own heads. They tend to be overkeen and then when they realize, they try switch to some hardline non-contact stance. Its all too SERIOUS, one extreme to the other - too much pressure at too early a stage. Its supposed to be fun! The problem is this, the dude decides he wants one particular girl and bombards and crowds the girl before she even really knows him. He just wants to get to the end destination as soon as possible, he rushes it, has no patience and gets flustered - the actions of a stressful person, not the actions of a relaxed, fun or self-confident person. He makes a snap decision based on what a girl looks like, girls don't (usually) tend to work that way, they like to find out more gradually - enjoy the journey instead of rushing it

Instead of flitting between overcontact and non-contact just balance it out a little bit more, don't be the intense person, be the natural person

 

[Jordan0123]

Good insight man, and i totally agree with what u are saying about guys bombarding with attention and getting too serious too soon. I've never been one to do it and I actually haven't in this case.

I will add a little update here: I was just on facebook before and i initiated the conversation with her, as i mostly did when we were in the heavy attraction phase anyway.

I didnt push anything on her, definitely didn't ask about the reason she lost interest or anything like that. Just played it casual and natural, asked how she was doing and teased her a bit. She did leave pretty short responses and they weren't as playful or long as they used to be. Chat didnt go for overly long either. I get the point of not looking too much into it but to me I think im correct now that she has lost interest and its not just in my head. I didnt let her know that i sense her backing off though.

Best thing to do is not talk to her for a bit because im getting a pretty strong feeling that she wants me to back off. So thats what im going to do, lay back and relax.

I like the point of balancing between over contract and no contact, and I agree. Im just going to scale the contact way back for now though.

How do you think this would go? I really want to re-engage with her and get it back like it was, but i know rushing it will backfire. So complicated how a girl goes from hot to cold like that.

 

[mahoney]

How do you think this would go? I really want to re-engage with her and get it back like it was, but i know rushing it will backfire. So complicated how a girl goes from hot to cold like that.

Its not complicated at all unless you overcomplicate it

It is your perception she has backed off (but you are not an impartial observer here), what is just as likely is that she has stayed the same and you have intensified. Don't think of yourself as objective and rational and her as doing something complicated. You are not objective (this is fine - but recognize the fact). Inside, you want to rush this and thats why it seems like she has backed off (but rush it...where? what happens when you get there? think about what this rushing actually means. the stage you are in now is good - if you learn not to be all anxious)

Re-engage? its only been a couple of days, this is what happens when you get too intense, a short period of time seems like a long period of time. You haven't disengaged never mind re-engage!

Try and remember to be a normal person and not do anything stupid or some big strategy, you are in danger of wanting to do something to mess this up (but its good you recognize it, so, when you feel you are going to do that, you'll know not to). People who are relaxed and comfortable about a situation don't tend to fluff it.

 

[EvilAgenda]

Any advice would be great as i dont want to ruin something that could work

My advice is - stop worrying about it.

See, men are convinced that women are totally in love with them. And when a woman shows otherwise, men panic, and start to worry about how to win her over. Basically, men begin to do AFC sh*t. And the paradox is, the more you want to win her over, the more distance she wants to put between you and her.
=======================================
Example:
You are out on a date at a great restaurant. The atmosphere is great.
Here is what most guys are thinking: Gosh, she looks so hot. She is out with me. Dude, that means?! ... Holy sh*t, YES! That means we are so totally going back to my place and having sex after dinner.
Here is what most girls are thinking: Hmm, where does he fall on my checklist?
=======================================
Ever been in this situation? Where you are convinced you two are going back to your place, only to find out that she doesn't want to or shows reluctance? Well, most guys turn AFC at that point, and lose composure.

Because see... when at the end of the dinner a woman doesn't want to go to your place, or she isn't jumping on you going "Omg, i'm so wet. I'm ready to go back to your place so you could fvck my brains out", most guys don't know what the hell just happened, nor how to react. They get confused, because they were convinced they were getting laid tonight.

STOP ASSUMING, STOP WORRYING.

Do not worry about not getting a response right away. That's female sh*t to worry about not getting a response right away.

Oh no, what is he doing? Is he thinking about me? I wonder where he is right now! What if he is out and meeting a prettier girl? Why hasn't he responded to me yet? BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Once again, here it is:
http://i.imgur.com/IyKqN.jpg

 

[Jordan0123]

Yeah thats a good way at looking at it, she probably has sensed I have intensified and shown maybe a little too much interest too soon. I think that has definitely made her back off, i know you think i may be just imagining it, but trust me i can tell she has.

It really has been only a few days but compared to last week where she suggested catching up and we saw each other 3 weeks to now where she seems non-commital to catching up. This is what trips me up. I dont think this is rushing it, if you like someone isnt it normal to want to see them and organise for a another date?

Im definitely relaxed about it all, im not stupid enough to actually let her feel my thought processes here in any form, as i know that would make me the 'needy and desperate' guy.

So a question what would be your approach here? Or what do you suggest I do? Thanks heaps by the way. Tonnes of help.

 

[Jordan0123]

Thanks evil agenda, Im not so much worrying about it, im a very analytical person so i try to work out why things are the way they are all the time. Whether that be girls or just things in general. So its kind of hard not to try and work out what the deal is. One thing that I haven't added is that there is an age gap between us. She is 21 and im 30. Could that be a factor? Though i do not look 30 at all, more like early to mid 20's.

Have you guys or anyone else been in a similar situation? And if so what did you do? Act natural is a good way to go about it, And i will definitely do that. Just go back to busting on her when i talk to her, if i do.

So yeah tips on what i should do, i like the ones that mahoney has suggested, keep natural. And also don't worry about it. But if you guys or anyone has tips for me that would be great as i mentioned before i actually do think this girl is pretty cool and has potential.