She's best friends with her ex

[zekko]

Sounds like a disaster to me. She can always go back to him for sex anytime she needs him.

Yeah, I would not find this situation acceptable.
There's nothing wrong with being on good terms with exes, but to be BEST FRIENDS with one is too much baggage. That means this guy will be hanging around a LOT. It's practically like entering into a relationship with the girl and this guy - he's part of the package. No thanks.

Also, since it's established that this guy is a cheater, and has cheated with a lot of women, he's not going to think twice about going back for sex with this girl. He didn't care enough not to cheat on her, he sure as heck isn't going to worry about stepping on your toes.

I'd get out of this before you become too attached. There are plenty of women out there. Why pick one that you have to put up with this garbage with?

 

[Ace_Magnamus]

I've been seeing this girl for roughly 3.5 months. Things have been going great so far, and I'm considering her a candidate for possible LTR in the future.

Anyways, she dated this guy for just over 7 years...but he treated her like crap through a good chunk of the relationship; cheating on her with MANY other women amoung other things. She finally broke up with him, and didn't speak to him for nearly a year. Sometime last year they re-connected as friends, and have since become best friends. They chat about who theyre seeing, give each other advice, yada yada.

He is really close with her family (not so much with his own) and seems to be some sort of brother type figure in her life now. He hangs out with her sister, goes to family dinners (thanks giving etc)From everything I have been told and observed it is a strictly platonic relationship, and at this point in time I have absolutely no reason to believe otherwise (if it turned out otherwise OBVIOUSLY I'd be done with the situation). He is her best friend from what I can tell. And based on their history she has told me she would NEVER even consider getting into a relationship with him ever again.

My question to you guys is this: Considering this guy is her ex, but they have a very close (and seemingly healthy) platonic relationship, how should I approach MY relationship with him? If I'm going to make her a more permanent part in my life, obviously THIS guy is going to be in the picture in one way or another. I'm not the jealous type, so her being friends with him doesn't bother me. She has brought up the idea of me meeting him a couple times, so its bound to happen sooner or later if I continue with her. Do I simply be "cool" with the guy? If I get more serious with the girl, do I attempt to form some sort of friendship with him? He actually sounds like the kinda guy I could easily be buddies with, and she has said many times we would get along great. I'm just not sure how "close" I would ever want to get with him?

Any insight or advice (especially if you have personal experience with a situation like this) would be greatly appreciated!!! Thanks in advance guys!

Boy you are a needy guy

Why would you want be friends with an ex who she used to bang that she could still go back with at anytime?

Are you going to go bowling with him and let him tell you how he used to bang her each night?

Why would you be friends with a guy who treated her like sh!t?

You are being very needy and not very smart just chasing this one girl.

She still has feelings for this guy.....she has history with him...not you

She is stupid to still be friends with a guy who treated her like crap

she must have issues to want to be treated that way.

She must like that treatment....if you treat her great she will be used to the crap treatment and will get rid of you to get the crap treatment again....that is what she is used to from the ex.

He is friends with the family. they even might like him better than you.

He will always be in the way between you two.

You should find a girl who doesnt have her ex in the picture because that is Bad News.

Last yeat I had two f buddies.....both were still friends with their ex's.

one was broken up 3 months when we were hooking up......the other was 4

they talked a lot....they were still there for her when they needed them.

they talked about them a lot.

the first girl and I hooked up with for 3 months a lot....i left for thanksgiving vacation....when I came back we did it one last time...when i got back she said worked it out with her ex and they are going back together.

couple months ago i checked her facebook to see if she was with the dude and now they are engaged getting married next month.

the other girl after a few months went back to the ex and they are on and off again.

if i was serious about them that would of sucked for me but i wasnt...they were just f buddies....both of them were best friend with their ex's

you want to be with her.....you have feelings....not a good idea with the ex....all he has to do is say the right words to her...then you're out...then he is back with her.

i would keep her around but look for others until she doesn't have the ex so close to her.....if you proceed it will be Bad News for you.....just a warning this could happen to you....so be aware.

It's good when girls are friendly with their exes... however assuming what your GF is saying is accurrate I'm not sure why you'd want to be friends with someone who cheated on your repeatedly... It's slightly OT but certainly something to keep in mind.

As for the guy your under no obligation to be best buds, treat him like anyone else, be cool, calm, and collected. Just don't try to hard to amke something out of it. Either you get along or you can't stand the guy. Treat it like anyother person you meet.

If you dislike him then let it be and try to not do things with him or tell your girl that you don't get along.

You not required to like of all of your girlfriends friends etc.

Frankly, I just don't get this friendship at all, but then again I operate from a rational viewpoint whereas women operate from emotion.

wtf?

why is it good for girls to be good friends with the ex?

that is not good

it means she still has feelings for him and there is a good chance they could reunite

an ex is an ex they shouldnt be involved that close with each other unless they have thoughts about getting back together again at some point.

 

[BadNews]

Boy you are a needy guy

You are being very needy and not very smart just chasing this one girl.

What makes you say I'm being needy? You're kinda jumping to conclusions here buddy...hahaha. I'm not going to attempt to explain all the intricacies of our relationship to you in an attempt to make you think otherwise...but please don't jump to conclusions when you know so little about me, this relationship, or how I game.

We are not exclusive, I continue to see other women, although I am considering her for a possible LTR candidate I have held out on all advances of "exclusivity" thus far, and plan to for the forseeable future.

The fact is, she is a great girl...who had a ****ty relationship. Took some time for herself, and has somehow managed to create a healthy platonic relationship with her ex. Is this normal? Probably not. Would I usually put up with this kinda bullsh!t? Heck no. BUT, I have known this girl for a while (hadn't seen her for the past number of years untill recently) and listening to her talk about the situation, for whatever reason, I'm quite comfortable with the position I'm in. I'm confident that I have more to offer her than this guy ever has or will, and she knows that.

Worst case scenario sh!t hits the fan and I move on, but I don't let those kinda things bother me. I'm not sure why so many guys on this forum are afraid of getting rejected...I really couldn't care less, because at the end of the day I know it would have been her loss and I'll simply call the next number in line. I think more guys need to be confident with what they have to offer women, and less concerned about "getting hurt" or "losing." I couldn't honestly care less about that crap. I'm going to be happy with or without this girl, or the next and thats all there is to it. While I'm with her, and things are going well...why not enjoy it and see where it goes? If it doesn't work out, I'm not going to pout in the corner thinking about how I got "rejected" or "lost the game," its not about that for me.

ANYWAYS...cheers!

 

[Ace_Magnamus]

What makes you say I'm being needy? You're kinda jumping to conclusions here buddy...hahaha. I'm not going to attempt to explain all the intricacies of our relationship to you in an attempt to make you think otherwise...but please don't jump to conclusions when you know so little about me, this relationship, or how I game.

We are not exclusive, I continue to see other women, although I am considering her for a possible LTR candidate I have held out on all advances of "exclusivity" thus far, and plan to for the forseeable future.

The fact is, she is a great girl...who had a ****ty relationship. Took some time for herself, and has somehow managed to create a healthy platonic relationship with her ex. Is this normal? Probably not. Would I usually put up with this kinda bullsh!t? Heck no. BUT, I have known this girl for a while (hadn't seen her for the past number of years untill recently) and listening to her talk about the situation, for whatever reason, I'm quite comfortable with the position I'm in. I'm confident that I have more to offer her than this guy ever has or will, and she knows that.

Worst case scenario sh!t hits the fan and I move on, but I don't let those kinda things bother me. I'm not sure why so many guys on this forum are afraid of getting rejected...I really couldn't care less, because at the end of the day I know it would have been her loss and I'll simply call the next number in line. I think more guys need to be confident with what they have to offer women, and less concerned about "getting hurt" or "losing." I couldn't honestly care less about that crap. I'm going to be happy with or without this girl, or the next and thats all there is to it. While I'm with her, and things are going well...why not enjoy it and see where it goes? If it doesn't work out, I'm not going to pout in the corner thinking about how I got "rejected" or "lost the game," its not about that for me.

ANYWAYS...cheers!

i'm not jumping just reading what you wrote and how it looks.

you are by putting in way too much effort into her wanting to be friends with the ex.

she tells you thay are not having sex....you don't know that for sure.

you just can't believe everything a girl tells you and take it at face value.

its not about being rejected its about putting in time and effort into something that might not work.

you already have feelings for her....the more you get them the harder it will be for you to let go or accept the fact.

i've seen some strong men cry like babies over chicks..dont be one of them

you think that now, but wait and see

doesn't matter what you have over the ex....she has history with him....more sex with him...more feelings for him...she still has a strong connection with him..still wants him in her life all the time...she doesnt have that with you.

see what happens but if you have other girls as you say you do, you wouldnt be putting this much effort into this one who seems to be a lost cause. you would focus on your other girls and buld a connection with them for a possible LTR....that is what i do.

a girl who feels like she should be deserved to be treated like crap is not a great girl because she is insecure, has issues and keeps going back for more.

try it out and see what happens but dont be disappointed if it doesnt work the way you want it to.

just remember the ex is always a phone call or a car drive away for her support or her needs.

good luck!

 

[Gangster Of Love]

You are being needy in the sense that you are already planning and over thinking about this girl as LTR, while she seems to be happy to be where she's at.

In other words, you seem to be more into her than she into you. If and when a chick is really into a guy she likes, she will do what it takes to no jeopardize the situation. She will definitely cut off ties with exes, even if they are friends, in order to not ruin things with her new interest. She'd be cutting this guy off, or at least, keeping him hidden. Again, this is just how it reads they way you have explained it here. This is all we have to go by.

 

[sinnerman]

an ex lurking in the background is a huge red flag..and in your case is the ''best friend''. you're cool about it right now coz your emotions, feelings, possessiveness are not involved. would that be the case once you're serious with her. who do you think she'll call up when you two get into a fight. would you be ok with that ? and since you say she is attractive intelligent and hot do you think that ex of hers isn't attracted to her and wouldn't flirt with her & game her or take advantage of her when she needs support. i think once you get emotionally attached, this thing will be a huge headache.

i was serious with this one gal a year back. she had broken up with her ex and never contacted her or anything. after a year of our on/off thing her ex apologized to her for his behaviour(yelling, abusing, taking advantage) and she told him that she's indifferent and it doesn't matter anymore. And its true that she's indifferent and she accepted her ex's friend request on facebook. i had a huge fight with her after which i stopped caring for her and now i treat her like a fbuddy even though she cares about me and all. as long as the ex is in the picture you're bound to have problems. if she cares enough about you then her ''friendship'' with her her ex wouldn't even matter to her and she'd go NC with him for your sake. If she doesn't that means you are not her #1 priority.

Anyways thats my two cents though i already feel you've made up your mind about going ahead with the serious LTR. I hope it works out with you two though probability is less.

 

[zekko]

I have known this girl for a while (hadn't seen her for the past number of years untill recently) and listening to her talk about the situation, for whatever reason, I'm quite comfortable with the position I'm in.

If you were comfortable with it, you wouldn't have made a thread about it.
I think you know it's a lousy situation, and are trying to get someone else to comfort you by telling you it's okay.
We're not trying to rip you, we just think you deserve better.

 

[Delly2000]

She has already won this one.

The best advice is to walk away and not take her serioiusly. I know I may sound harsh. But this game is "riggedd". And I know its hard. But its the advice I should have taken not too many months ago. Don't let your heart confuse ur gut. Its something inherent in us as men.

You know deep down the situation aint right. However it palys out it should be a good learning experience.

 

[Ace_Magnamus]

Agreed with all the posters above, Fred, Delly, zekko, sinnerman, gangster all your points are valid and are the truth.

Guys that are able to get lots of girls with no problem would not just focus on this one chick with an ex in the shadows or even think about being in a LTR relationship. why would you? it doesn't work that way unless you have no options or are hung up on a chick.

guys that have lots of options wouldnt even think of an LTR esp one with an ex. they are too busy getting new girls....not focusing on the future with just one.

i never would

i used them as f buddies.....nothing serious....they still went back to the ex's

they still had feelings for them

thats why its not a good idea to get feelings when its tilted in the ex's favor.

just the idea of keeping a girl around who is friends with the ex and wanting to be buddies with him shows the lack of options...that is being needy

here's a question....so what if you put more effort into her and you decide to be in an LTR and she doesn't want to? you going to keep trying to "game" her? what if she goes back to the ex and breaks up with you to go back to him? dont say that it wont hurt you because it will.

anyways see how it plays out but you are putting in more than she is because if she really wanted you.....the ex would be history.

you already are giving her more HV be putting up with an ex trying to be his friend. she wouldnt do that for you. She has HV and you have LV.

she is calling the shots

my advice is to find another girl with no ex

you say you can get lots of girls so do yourself a favor before she ends up dumping you.

 

[BadNews]

Agreed with all the posters above, Fred, Delly, zekko, sinnerman, gangster all your points are valid and are the truth.

Guys that are able to get lots of girls with no problem would not just focus on this one chick with an ex in the shadows or even think about being in a LTR relationship. why would you? it doesn't work that way unless you have no options or are hung up on a chick.

guys that have lots of options wouldnt even think of an LTR esp one with an ex. they are too busy getting new girls....not focusing on the future with just one.

i never would

i used them as f buddies.....nothing serious....they still went back to the ex's

they still had feelings for them

thats why its not a good idea to get feelings when its tilted in the ex's favor.

just the idea of keeping a girl around who is friends with the ex and wanting to be buddies with him shows the lack of options...that is being needy

here's a question....so what if you put more effort into her and you decide to be in an LTR and she doesn't want to? you going to keep trying to "game" her? what if she goes back to the ex and breaks up with you to go back to him? dont say that it wont hurt you because it will.

anyways see how it plays out but you are putting in more than she is because if she really wanted you.....the ex would be history.

you already are giving her more HV be putting up with an ex trying to be his friend. she wouldnt do that for you. She has HV and you have LV.

she is calling the shots

my advice is to find another girl with no ex

you say you can get lots of girls so do yourself a favor before she ends up dumping you.

Giving more attention to one girl has nothing to do with my ability to get other women lol. I like this girl, call it a slight case of oneitis if you want, but that has no effect on my ability to get other women. If I ended things between her today, I have atleast 4 women that have been blowing up my phone the past couple weeks that are hot n ready to go. But, perhaps it is a slight case of oneitis...which IMO isn't necessarily a bad thing.

I haven't brought up any talk about LTR with her, I posted above that I'm entertaining the idea of seeing where things could go with her, that's all...I LIKE HER. And no, I do not have LV compared to her HV...if anything, she has placed HV on me. She has casually brought up the idea of getting a little more serious (exclusive), and even said she's never dated a guy this long that hasn't tried to "lock her down"...so at this point in time she's pushing for more commitment than I am, by FAR. She's told me on numerous occasions she has never had to work so hard for a guy before. If I decided I wanted to go LTR with her, which SHE has brought up not I, and for whatever reason she wasn't receptive...that would be game over. There would be no "trying to game her" because at that point I would think it to be a waste of my time.

I haven't even talked to her about her ex, or meeting him, or being friends with him, or ANY of that. The other day she mentioned that maybe I should meet him soon, and I've been trying to figure out how I feel about that, if I want to meet him, and how I would want to approach it. All I asked for was insight regarding THAT situation. I'm not here for advice about my relationship with her, because at this point for me it is a non-issue.

This thread wasn't started because I'm uncomfortable with her friendship with her ex, to be quite honest at this point in time I really dont give a crap. I'm having fun with her, things aren't that serious, and I have no way to predict how things can/will play out. I like the girl, and I'm having fun with her.