She moved in too soon...

[MaddXMan]

After 16 months of dating exclusively my gf moved in with me September 1. We had planned this out, thought we were ready but the living situation has not gelled. Too cramped, stepping all over each other, etc. Today she asked me if I would be mad if she got her own apartment again. I actually feel relief at the idea. We were always having fun together when dating but after living together it's gotten real heavy in a very short time.

If she moves back out it wouldn't be a relationship killer but now I am wondering if we shouldn't try to make this work, because if it does not work out now how will it work out in the future?

I have this feeling that if we live separately again we will drift apart, but that may be all the recent stress talking.

Part of me wants to say **** it and part wants to work through it (it has only been 2 months) and I'm hitting that indecision quagmire!

There's no harm in admitting we moved too fast with living together, separating and possibly trying again later right?

 

[NewMan]

Is it just the cramped space that is the problem - or is the problem rooted a little deeper?

Are you both to set in your ways and not open to change? (i see you are 41)

I think you need to both sit down and talk this one through - there are possibly some changes that you can both make to makle the transition a little smoother.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear MadXMan,
What makes you think you will drift apart? sure if she moves a long way away that is a distinct possibility,but in my experience the best way to kill any relationship is to have them move in....let her go,enjoy your freedom,and feel a lot better about yourself when you find she still likes you.

 

[MaddXMan]

I have split custody w/ my ex of our 2 kids. I live within 10 miles of my ex and our kids stay one week with me, one week with her. So when it's my week with the kids, yes things are cramped.

We eased the kids into the idea of her moving in. Started prepping things 2 months in advance. Still, they are pretty cold towards her. She is the first woman I have brought around them in 5 years. They are used to having me to themselves. She has no kids of her own and can't have any, so she does not understand this situation of them warming up to her will take time. It's not a sitcom where everything is resolved in 30 minutes.

And I live in the suburbs, she used to live downtown and now acts like living downtown was some kind of panacea to having an exciting life 24/7, even though she didn't go out that much. She keeps talking about "the city" and how great it is....well there is no where I can't get to in 30 minutes by driving and she should be the same way. Just drive where you want to go. Want to go to the art district or city market? Now you have to drive 25 minutes vs. a 10 minute bus ride.

I feel for her trying to fit everything into my life and what I have established...the burden of change and adjustment is huge...it's going to take time for everything to mesh but it's a problem or blowout every week and i'm just getting tired.

 

[NewMan]

We eased the kids into the idea of her moving in. Started prepping things 2 months in advance. Still, they are pretty cold towards her. She is the first woman I have brought around them in 5 years. They are used to having me to themselves.

Was she around the kids when you had them? how often? did you do things together?

And I live in the suburbs, she used to live downtown and now acts like living downtown was some kind of panacea to having an exciting life 24/7, even though she didn't go out that much. She keeps talking about "the city" and how great it is....well there is no where I can't get to in 30 minutes by driving and she should be the same way. Just drive where you want to go. Want to go to the art district or city market? Now you have to drive 25 minutes vs. a 10 minute bus ride.

Doesn't matter if she did or didn't go out - the fact is she could if she wanted to.

This screams to me of:

1) she's been living with you and your kids and realises how much work is involved and how time consuming they are. She wants out.

OR

2) She's selfish - to set in her ways and having you and the kids cramping her style isn't working. She needs her alone time - and finds that she doesn't get what she's used to. She wants out.

Her moving out doesn't mean that the relationship is over, but you probably need to figure out whether she could ever live/deal with this situation - even in the future. There's no guarantee she has the answer - or will give you the real one.

 

[Interceptor]

Does she have any hobbies?

Do you?

Do you do fun things together?

When you are just chilling together, are you comfortable with her...doing nothing?

How much intimacy do you two have?

Do you have any spiritual pursuits?


Are you willing to talk about your issues, or do you or her just shut down or get defensive and start attacking each other?
How do you resolve your differences?


Do you have your personal things there cluttered and disorganized?
Are her things disorganized?
Do you both try to clean and maintain the household?
Do you have a personal space with your own personal things only?
Does she?

The children will have to get used to you having a partner, and MUST get over it. They MUST learn that you are a Man first, and a father second.
Otherwise, you'll be teaching them something unhealthy.
Tend to your relationship first, your children will benefit from having a healthy, romantic ,mature and adult image to learn from and observer.
Otherwise, you're just teaching them it's normal to have very poor personal boundaries.
Dont reinforce that.

Perhaps it was too soon to move in together, but perhaps neither fo you have decided on a method to communicate to each other in a mature, compassionate and loving manner. One in which you listen and try to offer solutions, rather than bicker , argue, manipulate, throw temper tantrums, attack each other, etc..and all other immature and ineffective, and downright hurtful ways of communicating to each other.

If you try to think of her as your "Alpha Wolf Mother" (don't laugh...think about this. Im serious. Who cares for the household and children when the Alpha Male leaves the den?) you will gain a different perspective of her, and your perception filters will adjust accordingly to see her as being able to fulfill that role or not.
Does she have the potential to be that Woman for you?
Is she willing?

Seriously, think about this.

If you two cant communicate as partners, then it doesnt matter where you or she goes, your relationship wont flourish.

Good luck.

 

[DJDamage]

I have this feeling that if we live separately again we will drift apart, but that may be all the recent stress talking.

This kind of thinking is so counter productive.

Why don't you marry her if you are so afraid of losing her!? You know the answer why because you aren't sure about her. The same reason as to why you aren't marrying her is the same reason as to why you shouldn't have moved in with her.

NEVER EVER BE AFRAID OF LOSING A WOMAN!! As soon as you start feeling scared, you have already lost control of the situation. Any decisions you make from here on are purely based on fear and are from a position of weakness. Look this woman is offering you a way out, so take it!!!

If you end up losing her it won't be because she moved out, its because of the other stuff and you are better off working it out when she is out of your sight and not crowded toegther like 2 scorpions in a bottle. However if this relationship does end, you are in a much better position when each of you has their own place as opposed of sharing an apartment together and letting the blood sucking lawyers deciding who gets what.

 

[Sinistar]

We're about the same age. I am recently married. To date our only spats, which have been surprisingly rare, have been about us merging together into one space. Neither of us had been married before and I had always lived on my own with a exception back in my youth. It's not easy to do what we now refer to as the "merge-athon". But I will tell you this, at the end of the day, what kept the spat from turning to fight was the wife saying "I want to do what is most important is us, I'm not fond of parting with X or Y or Z yet I know you feel it's important and I trust you and will follow you".

Obviously your situation is more complicated with the kids. The so called "merge-athon" is probably more about space and the instant family than items. But it's the same general problem. If she was so totally into you, wouldn't she be making concessions, wouldn't she be trying to keep things positive, wouldn't she be finding ways to make it work instead of retreating?

And why live together first - is it the past marriage having you fear to commit to level again?

I definitely think she should get her place again. It will get things to play out sooner rather than later. (and more smoothly). Plus, if she's just mega stressed all day she's either going to internalize it and then flake or start taking it out on you and your kids increasingly.

I'm not saying to end it. Maybe your plan should be that she gets her own place again and you guys take time staying at each other's places unless the kids are around. When they are around always be doing something with her so that they can warm up to her which in turn will help her feel more welcome and wanting to cooperate rather than escape to breathe. In the course of a few months you'll have your answer and the kids might understand better.

Now if you guys had just gotten married and this happened it would be an entirely different story if she pulled the I need some space line. Maybe throughout this ordeal you'll also learn how much space you need as complete family with her included and just how much time it will take for the kids to warm up to her.

Whatever you do, DO NOT get a bigger place together (in the short/mid term) just to solve this problem.

One more thing, there is no harm in admitting that you moved too fast.

 

[Sinistar]

duplicate post

 

[MaddXMan]

The children will have to get used to you having a partner, and MUST get over it. They MUST learn that you are a Man first, and a father second.
Otherwise, you'll be teaching them something unhealthy.
Tend to your relationship first, your children will benefit from having a healthy, romantic ,mature and adult image to learn from and observer.
Otherwise, you're just teaching them it's normal to have very poor personal boundaries. Dont reinforce that.

So much good info and challenging questions, and I don't have time at this moment for a full reply, but the above jumped out at me.....can someone please explain the meaning of "personal boundaries." What would be examples of poor personal boundaries vs. healthy boundaries?

I have a fuzzy idea of the meaning of this but really need it spelled out for me, clearly. I'm not afraid to ask a dumb question. Besides, I have not had to face issues of personal boundaries since my ex wife and I lived together, 15 years ago.

And I am concerned about how far behind I am in teaching my kids basic respect for adults, common courtesy and manners. I am afraid both my ex wife and I have been lax in this area. I need (and will) read some parenting books and maybe look into having family counseling. My kids respect their teachers and any other authority figure, but with their parents not so much.

My gf has done plenty with them but only in a visiting situation, and it has only been during good times when doing something fun.....not when they are sitting around bored, having to wait to use the bathroom, under stress from school, etc.

My gf is black and was raised in an environment where children who acted up or were disrespectful were soundly spanked. She thinks I am wayyy too lax and she is right...

 

[jophil28]

The children will have to get used to you having a partner, and MUST get over it. They MUST learn that you are a Man first, and a father second.
Otherwise, you'll be teaching them something unhealthy.
Tend to your relationship first, your children will benefit from having a healthy, romantic ,mature and adult image to learn from and observer.
Otherwise, you're just teaching them it's normal to have very poor personal boundaries.
Dont reinforce that.

Well put, Interceptor .
And the older guys who read this tread also need to remember that women who you are likely to date also will have children of her own
MOst of those women will have unhealthy boundaries with her children. It is common for divorced women to recruit her own children to be her "friends" , comforters, confidantes and even surrogate lovers . The kids are 'promoted' to the staus of adults. The discipline in removed from the home, and she creates a situation in which the children get to act and think like equal adults. If she has an oldest son , she may also "romanticize" her relationship with him in various ways. They may hold hands in public or go out together on outings which look like a "date" ..lunch. dinner. movies ...
All this is done to ensure that her children are always "there for her" ..she is misusing her parental postion to undermine her children's development for her own selfish ends. Her plan is to cling to her children forever in case her future relationships with men do not succeed.

I have been in two such relationships and they both failed badly. Both women failed to do what Interceptor spoke about above. They apologised to their children (behind my back) for having me in her life. The women involved deliberately created a " competition" between her children and me in which she was the object of a tag of war.

 

[Interceptor]

Great reply, Jo.


Madd, this thread may help a little..
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=138456