She has a boyfriend, did I do the right thing?

[NotAgain]

At a party I was hosting (celebrating a special event in my life) I instantly clicked with a HB8 whom I spent escalating with that night. I kino'ed, I flirted and playfully teased all night and she responded. Dancing, she basically had her legs wrapped around my hips and arms all over me. Where ever we went we'd be holding hands, waist or something.

Yet I held back. First it was because she called me her new best friend (didn't stop me but I thought I shouldn't rush and look desperate so I just kept up my game). Then it really hit me when a close friend told me she had a boyfriend. I never know what to do in these situations. Now to be honest I didn't want to make a fool of myself that night nor cause any trouble as it was my party.

But I don't know if I did the wrong or right thing. Should I have gone for it? Or at least gotten her number? What would you guys have done? I pulled back and started looking for other options but none really interested me. Every time I'd then bump into her, we'd get close and then I'd bail. Call me stupid, call me moralistic, but I don't want to take another guys girl because I wouldn't want it happening to me.

 

[Jariel]

I will tell you that every time I've put morals first I've regretted it.

I remember there was this girl I was crazy about. Serious heart-pounding infatuation. One night she got a little tipsy, revealed she liked me and threw herself at me, asking to come back to my place. However, I decided to do "the right thing" and told her it wasn't right because she had a boyfriend. She told me she didn't love him and was going to break up with him, but I insisted she get her train home that night and get her boyfriend to pick her up.

A couple of weeks later she broke up with her boyfriend and I decided to ask her out. Her reply, "Sorry Jariel, I really like you as a friend, but I'm kinda seeing someone now."

 

[NotAgain]

You make a convincing response about morality buddy. I just really don't know with these situations but thinking about what you said, it's also been the same with me. I guess you've just got to make a choice when that situation comes and stick with it.

 

[floydb25]

I will tell you that every time I've put morals first I've regretted it.

I remember there was this girl I was crazy about. Serious heart-pounding infatuation. One night she got a little tipsy, revealed she liked me and threw herself at me, asking to come back to my place. However, I decided to do "the right thing" and told her it wasn't right because she had a boyfriend. She told me she didn't love him and was going to break up with him, but I insisted she get her train home that night and get her boyfriend to pick her up.

A couple of weeks later she broke up with her boyfriend and I decided to ask her out. Her reply, "Sorry Jariel, I really like you as a friend, but I'm kinda seeing someone now."

Sounds like the only thing you did wrong was using morals on an immoral person. This girl didn't care if she had a boyfriend, was willing to cheat, avoided the nice guy (you), and got with someone else. There was no good that was going to come from getting involved with her. She sounds like bad news all around. A player, really. Bad girls don't dig nice guys. That's why she wasn't impressed, and regulated you to the friend-zone. But she was hot, right? :trouble:

 

[Jariel]

Sounds like the only thing you did wrong was using morals on an immoral person. This girl didn't care if she had a boyfriend, was willing to cheat, avoided the nice guy (you), and got with someone else. There was no good that was going to come from getting involved with her. She sounds like bad news all around. A player, really. Bad girls don't dig nice guys. That's why she wasn't impressed, and regulated you to the friend-zone. But she was hot, right? :trouble:

I know she was bad news and I would have made a mistake getting into a relationship with her, but I could've got laid that night and if I played it right, I could've had a nice sexual thing going instead of a consolation friendship. And yes, she was so damn hot!

 

[ezio]

you should have gone for it dude. life is too short to be looking back, imagining what could have been..lol if only i had applied this advice myself a long time ago smh

 

[Slickster]

I know she was bad news and I would have made a mistake getting into a relationship with her, but I could've got laid that night and if I played it right, I could've had a nice sexual thing going instead of a consolation friendship. And yes, she was so damn hot!

So sell yourself out for a little pvssy? That's not a great way to live your life.

As floyd points out this girl was BAD news and you were "crazy heart pounding infatuated" over her. That's a sh!tty place to be and your morals probably saved you a lot of heartache and more importantly A LOT of time.

Sex with the wrong girl is FINE as long as you keep your head on straight and stay true to yourself. If you have to compromise your morals and values or find yourself putting her on a pedestal, then that is really fvcked up. Especially if you are doing it all just for sex.


In the OP's case he's at a party with friends. If he goes down this road he ultimately ends up hurting his own image. I've been the "other guy" before and it's pretty much the worst way to start off with a chick. Not to mention surrounding yourself with immoral people usually ends up hurting yourself.

 

[Wildebeest]

is it really 'selling yourself out'?

every hot girl decides when she does and doesn't have a boyfriend, continuously in time.

is some other guy going to not bang your HB9 girlfriend when you're not around? LOL

wake up

even if you know she is not relationship material based on the fact she wants to cheat, that doesn't mean you can't **** her and insulate yourself emotionally.

how many women dont cheat?

 

[BlueShift]

you should have gone for it dude. life is too short to be looking back, imagining what could have been..lol if only i had applied this advice myself a long time ago smh

I'm with Slickster on this post.

It's getting your **** wet for one night. If you regret not getting your **** wet for a mere night, you need more options - with higher quality women. That regret is desperation. Have a little bit of self-respect, keep your image clean and don't mix with low quality people. Remove them from your life, they aren't worth the consequences.

If you're willing to cheat in this situation, don't b1tch about women cheating on you. Life's too short eh? Doesn't justify bad character.

 

[runner83]

If you want to bang a chick with a boyfriend, at least be smart and don't let your friends see you doing it.

Shoulda got her number and met up later, or even more ballsy, when you both weren't needed, handed her a note saying meet me out the back, then banged her brains out.

 

[Jariel]

So sell yourself out for a little pvssy? That's not a great way to live your life.

Ultimately, I had the choice of a little pvssy, as you put it, or staying home alone revelling in my good moral standards. Personally I think the latter is a much worse way to live your life.

She wanted it, I wanted it and she and her boyfriend weren't really into each other any more, so the only loser there was me.

I've since realised that you have to be a bit of a jerk and put yourself first in order to get what you want.

As floyd points out this girl was BAD news and you were "crazy heart pounding infatuated" over her. That's a sh!tty place to be and your morals probably saved you a lot of heartache and more importantly A LOT of time.

Not really. Being landed in the friendzone was the worst outcome I could've imagined and left me feeling so gutted and bitter. It was after this that I started to see just how pathetic me and my nice guy morals really were.

It's getting your **** wet for one night. If you regret not getting your **** wet for a mere night, you need more options - with higher quality women. That regret is desperation. Have a little bit of self-respect, keep your image clean and don't mix with low quality people. Remove them from your life, they aren't worth the consequences.

If you're willing to cheat in this situation, don't b1tch about women cheating on you. Life's too short eh? Doesn't justify bad character.

Unfortunately I didn't have many options at the time because I was always doing the "right" thing and being a nice guy. My image was clean, but my self-respect was lacking. While I was sitting in front of my computer on a Friday night feeling like a good person, thousands of jerks with lesser morals were getting laid.

No it doesn't justify bad character, but at least I'm getting lots of sex now and have way more options. I was getting women cheating on me and stabbing me in the back a lot more while I was a nice guy doing the right thing than I do now.

Back when I started university, I met the hottest girl I've ever seen in my life (she later went on to become a FHM model). We clicked and flirted and she invited me back to her place. I was so tempted and it could've been one of the most amazing experiences of my life, but I had been with my girlfriend for 6 months and I decided to do "the right thing" and turn down her offer.

About 2 weeks later my girlfriend sent me a rejection email explaining that she had been spending time with her ex-boyfriend and was going to give things another go with him.

So much for me doing the right thing. I learned a very valuable lesson that day.

 

[zekko]

Boyfriends are only temporary. It's not like she was married or had a true commitment. A lot of girls change boyfriends as quickly as they change their underwear.

 

[vatoloco]

Then it really hit me when a close friend told me she had a boyfriend. I never know what to do in these situations. Now to be honest I didn't want to make a fool of myself that night nor cause any trouble as it was my party.

The problem I have with this situation is that it's all 3rd party hearsay. How do we know your "close friend" isn't trying to ****block you?

Always close. She'll tell you "Sure!" or "Sorry NA, I have a boyfriend!"

 

[floydb25]

The problem with Jariel's situation was being a moral person in an immoral world. There's a lot of people who don't care about how upstanding or righteous you are. They just want to get their kicks, and satisfy their needs. This girl didn't feel guilty about having a boyfriend - nor did she care. She wanted to go right ahead with it, and even tried to justify it. You did the right thing - she was the one who didn't care.

Since there's unfortunately a lot of people like this - it is easier to get laid when you kill those morals. Because, the people who are only interested in getting laid don't really have any to begin with. Hence, why they don't care who they're with, jump from one person to the next, and ***** around. They'll also reject you for having morals - because they don't care about that. In fact, it gets in the way of their immorality, and satisfying their needs. If they want to **** and cheat - your upstanding nature gets in the way of that. This doesn't interest them.

I've experienced similar situations before. These girls were all up for ****ing - regardless of having somebody already - then wanted to be just friends when I wasn't up for it; was more interested in a relationship; etc. I had the bad boy player look, so they assumed I was a bad person, and wouldn't care. Just like them. When they found out I did care, and wasn't interested in their bull**** - they moved on.

This is an instance of nice guys finishing last with bad girls. They are the ones who are trouble, and have the problem. I don't think its necessary to kill your morals just to fool around with worthless *****es. It just gets you caught up in the bull**** game. It's easy to start generalizing and stereotyping from there.

They may complain or play the victim, but that doesn't mean they're good people. Most of the time, its because they couldn't get their way, or something affected them. They're still selfish and immoral. No better than the people they complain about. Most of them are simply talking ****, and want to be perceived as good - when they're anything but. ****, I had so-called good girls complain about being played and used - as they were whoring themselves to the entire world, and using everyone. That's what you gotta watch for. Hypocrisy and double standards are common. Not to mention, you attract what you are.

I think its all a matter of finding someone who matches your ideals. You don't have to lower yourself to their shallow level - find someone who is on yours. You can't chase after an easy, shallow, slutty, immoral bad girl, and expect her to be good. Not gonna happen. If you're a good guy - find a good girl. Them hoes aren't worth dumbing yourself down. Just makes you feel shallow and worthless - like them.

 

[sighsigh]

Nm.

 

[ArcBound]

But I don't know if I did the wrong or right thing. Should I have gone for it? Or at least gotten her number? What would you guys have done? I pulled back and started looking for other options but none really interested me. Every time I'd then bump into her, we'd get close and then I'd bail. Call me stupid, call me moralistic, but I don't want to take another guys girl because I wouldn't want it happening to me.

I bolded your last part because while it would be awesome to think of a karma centric people where good people are rewarded for good behaviors and bad people are punished for bad behaviors this isn't necessarily true. The baddest person out there can have the greatest things happen to him, life doesn't discriminate.

That being said, if it truly does make you uncomfortable don't do it. But I want to ask yourself: did you not escalate because of moral issues or because you were afraid of escalating and let the moral issue be your scapegoat? Because when I was a recovering AFC I did the latter a lot.

IDK at the very least I would have used the fact that this girl was all over you, to get with other girls. Always turn everything into an opportunity.

 

[MM92]

At a party I was hosting (celebrating a special event in my life) I instantly clicked with a HB8 whom I spent escalating with that night. I kino'ed, I flirted and playfully teased all night and she responded. Dancing, she basically had her legs wrapped around my hips and arms all over me. Where ever we went we'd be holding hands, waist or something.

Yet I held back. First it was because she called me her new best friend (didn't stop me but I thought I shouldn't rush and look desperate so I just kept up my game). Then it really hit me when a close friend told me she had a boyfriend. I never know what to do in these situations. Now to be honest I didn't want to make a fool of myself that night nor cause any trouble as it was my party.

But I don't know if I did the wrong or right thing. Should I have gone for it? Or at least gotten her number? What would you guys have done? I pulled back and started looking for other options but none really interested me. Every time I'd then bump into her, we'd get close and then I'd bail. Call me stupid, call me moralistic, but I don't want to take another guys girl because I wouldn't want it happening to me.

Same here, I just couldn't do it personally. Although I guess if you don't then someone else will.

 

[sighsigh]

Call me stupid, call me moralistic, but I don't want to take another guys girl because I wouldn't want it happening to me.

A girl is your girlfriend only if she has a high IL in you. Once that ceases, she is no longer your girlfriend. The breakup conversation or whatever you will have is just a manifestation of this.

So, your justification isn't very convincing. I'm going to assume a girl can only have a high IL for one guy at a time. So if she has a high IL in you, then she doesn't have a high IL in her official boyfriend. Which actually means that she doesn't have a boyfriend. So you aren't 'taking' anything. It would be more appropriate to say her official boyfriend lost her, rather than that you took her.

 

[LostAndConfused]

You would have done the boyfriend the favor of ending the relationship then instead of a month later when she's ovulating again and finds guy #3.

Women cheat, and more cheat than any of us men will ever know.

And..unless OP has a piss poor judge of character, a "close friend" wouldn't be trying to ****block.

 

[JLW]

Same here, I just couldn't do it personally. Although I guess if you don't then someone else will.

I agree with MM92 and the OP.

Cheating is wrong. The reason why it is wrong is because the person doing the cheating is failing to uphold his/her implicit word that he/she is only allowed to have 'relations' with one person. (I know that this is super obvious but I figured I might as well spell it out for the truly lost)

The argument that "if you don't do it, someone else will" is a really lame argument. So what? Who cares. Let them be the unprincipled jackass.

A truly good person would ignore the cheater's request to have sex with you. If she was a good friend, you could even ask the woman why she wanted to cheat in the first place and have a discussion with her so that she could see the error in her ways. NOTE: This will probably not get you laid. However, if you want to view it from a selfish perspective, it will make you look REALLY good among your peers.

I know I'm in a room full of cynics here who are hell-bent on chasing tail, but I think that in the end these people will be unhappy with their lives if they just look for the next immediate pleasure.

As long as you conduct yourself in a respectful and confident manner, it won't matter if you play the 'nice guy' that is so hated on these forums. You can be a respectful and morally upstanding person and still get laid. In fact, you will be attracting the GOOD KIND of women if you do it this way. Not the cheating, deceptive kind.

OP, you did the right thing. Why bother getting involved with a girl who is/was clearly doing deceptive things?