She grew distant and now ignore me completely after the second date

[MattB]

[Update] She grew distant and now ignore me completely after the second date

I have been texting with this girl since the beginning of May. She's a friend of my friend's gf. The texting were going pretty well but we didn't meet up until the beginning of June because she was out of town with her parents.

Our first date was pretty good. Although we didn't kiss/hug/hold hands, we had a great conversation, playful touching and other positive signs. She mentioned that she wanted to go hiking and suggested that we should do that the next time we meet. For the next few days we texted a bit and things appeared to be going well.

Last Saturday, we met up for hiking for our second date. Things I thought were going ok. During the hike, I helped her with my hands and eventually I was holding her hand for part of the hike. She later mentioned to me it was tiring to hold hands during the hike so I let go.

After the hike we walked a bit at a park near the hike. Again I held her hands and she didn't pull away or anything. I took that as a sign she was ok with it so I didn't let go.

Later we went for dinner. We had a decent conversation during dinner discussing a common interest. She commented that I have been taught well by my ex since she noticed that I was acted like a gentlemen. (helping with the food, just basics manner really) After dinner I suggested that we walk around the neighborhood near the restaurant. Again held her hands with no issues.

After that I drove her home. During the ride she asked how I know my friend. I said he's my coworker. She then asked did you tell him to help you find a gf and I gave her an honest answer, which is, I really don't remember if he took the initiative to help me find one by asking her gf or I asked him to ask her gf. (This is the truth). She didn't say much after that.

When I got to her place she said I can just drop her off without getting out of the car. (red flag) I said it's ok so I parked and walked her to her door. I gave her a friendly hug but I noticed that her arms did not move so I was the one doing all the hugging. (red flag)

Since this second date on the weekend, things haven't been the same. When I texted her on Saturday night saying I had a good time all she said was thanks.. I am tired. The next day I asked if her legs were sore and all she said was "I am ok..." I sent her pics we took together during the trip and she did not say anything.

Last night I gave her a friendly "hi" and she did not reply either.
At this point I think it's over and I will stop all contacts with her. I just don't know what really went wrong. Although I guess it doesn't really matter at this point, I am kinda curious why her attitude changed so much. Also, if say a week later, she talks to me again, what will be the best way to act?

TLDR: Went on a second date last saturday with a girl I have been texting with for a month. Held hand and gave her a hug at the end of the night. She became distant and stopped replying to my texts. Looks like things are over but I am just curious why.

[Update] So she texts me back today with a "Hi". How should I play this out? Wait a few days before getting back to her?

 

[TheCWord]

With 579 posts on here I would've thought you could answer this question yourself.

Start here: Kill that desperation! by Pook

Lay off the texting, let her initiate. And don't say things like you had a good time, blah, blah blah. That's stuff girls say to guys.

Oh, and if you're in your 20s, don't try to hold a girl's hand so early. I read a lot of posts about holding a girl's hand but, seriously, the modern day woman in her 20s does not like that ****.

 

[like2jam]

You definitely have some red flags there.

Sounds like she was interested in whether or not you asked someone to help you find a gf. If she thinks you did, then she'll instinctively be turned off by this. I don't think a man would ever ask someone to help him find a gf. Women want to think that you're confident ( even if you have to fake it ) and that you can land a gf on your own.

Her lack of enthusiasm speaks volumes. She's already nexted you I think. It's hard to know exactly why. It could be any reason and you may never know exactly why with any one particular woman. You can only sorta guess and adjust for the next one.

Holding hands while hiking does sound a bit like work. I could see helping her up or down a rough area, but the fact that she even said something about it, that's a lesson right there. I bet next time you won't try to hold hands during a hike.

Time to go NC and see if she ever contacts you again. Meanwhile, next her and find another new one to date.

 

[TheException]

Shes gone cold on you because your into her wayyyyy more than shes into you.

we had a great conversation
We had a decent conversation during dinner discussing a common interest.

This^ is what friends do. It doesnt mean sh1t.

though we didn't kiss/hug

This^ IS what lovers do.

The constant need to be holding hands is a major problem. It communicates interest sure, so its better than not progressing kino at all.....BUT your constantly doing it. You did it in 3 different venues in the same day. It would be like constantly pecking your girlfriend on the cheek every 5 minutes...its desperate.

When I got to her place she said I can just drop her off without getting out of the car. (red flag) I said it's ok so I parked and walked her to her door. I gave her a friendly hug but I noticed that her arms did not move so I was the one doing all the hugging. (red flag)

This^ means she feels you are more attracted to her than she is to you. She feels that desperate behavior and went cold/pulled away. So your response to this should of been of indifference. Should have owned the world, workout, achieve personal goals. But instead you confirmed her feeling that you were going to get desperate and kill any attraction she feels for you by doing: Since this second date on the weekend, things haven't been the same. When I texted her on Saturday night saying I had a good time all she said was thanks.. I am tired. The next day I asked if her legs were sore and all she said was "I am ok..." I sent her pics we took together during the trip and she did not say anything. Last night I gave her a friendly "hi" and she did not reply either.

Your screwed. If theres ANY hope, she has to be the one to show some damn interest and initiative. Next time dont be desperate and do the needy behavior you displayed here....LET THE WOMAN DO THE PURSUING(Prize Mentality)

 

[MattB]

all great advice here, what I expect from sosuave..

I just recently got out of a LTR 2 months ago. Haven't been dating for awhile so yes for sure my game has slipped. I admit that I was way too interested and desperate for her, even though she's not even as good looking as my ex gfs. I guess in a sense, I was subconsciously trying to get back in to a relationship asap to validate myself.

Really thought I had this in the bag. She commented several times during our first 2 dates that I am pretty good looking. (and I never once gave her compliments on her looks) I have a good career and is working in a job that she aspires to be in. I am also active, athletic (do a lot of sports, MMA, power lifting) and financially sound.

And the worst thing that I did is I don't even have her phone number because I forgot to ask during the first 2 dates. We have only been communicating using a chat app on the iphone. :crackup: If I had her number I would not have texted her after the second date and would have just called her to set up a third date. I know the results will be the same but at least I won't have to wait for her reply to my text.

Should have owned the world, workout, achieve personal goals. But instead you confirmed her feeling that you were going to get desperate and kill any attraction she feels for you by doing

You are exactly right. My head was telling me that about the red flags and that I should stop acting afc to raise IL. My heart (afc side) took over and acted all caring when I knew it was a dumb thing to do. I guess this was all driven by my desperation to get back in a relationship.

She's nexted me and I am going to move on. My friend asked if he should ask her gf to talk to the girl to see whats going on. I told him not to do that since that girl will probably think that I instructed my friend to do so. Do you guys agree with this decision? I am still curious as to why I got nexted although it's probably because I was too desperate.

 

[TheException]

She's nexted me and I am going to move on. My friend asked if he should ask her gf to talk to the girl to see whats going on. I told him not to do that since that girl will probably think that I instructed my friend to do so. Do you guys agree with this decision?

Should have said "It just didnt work out....I dont think she was my type". Word might get back to her and if she has any interest left at all, she might try to qualify herself.

I am still curious as to why I got nexted although it's probably because I was too desperate.

I already fully explained this in my previous reply. Go read it again....accept it...and move forward.

 

[MattB]

So she texts me back today with a "Hi". How should I play this out? Wait a few days before getting back to her?

 

[pinkfl]

You probably did not do anything wrong, but she probably just didn't feel you.

I mean, be friendly and polite with her but not flirty unless she asks to hangout or do something. Basically...she knows you are interested (you held her hand, she isn't an idiot...) and she needs to decide whether or not she wants to date you.

When a girl likes you, you will know. She will talk to you often, and she will flirt and hint at things.

 

[NewAndImproved]

Come on man. The girl already has a suspicion that your friend has been doing the things you should've been doing (getting her number etc) and now you want to go to your friend again to see what's up?

Your headspace and mindset is totally out of whack. That's why you've lost her. My advice for you is to keep things casual for the next couple of months. You're obviously still affected by your ex and it's affecting your confidence. Keep things casual, go out, have fun and rebuild that confidence.

 

[Sandow]

Well, you know if you keep doing what you've been doing you're going to get the same results. So now is the time change it up and apply what everyone here is teaching you.

These are great opportunities to try something new and see what works best for you. Even if you were too scared or didn't feel comfortable doing it, now is perfect since you know your AFCness repels chicks.

On that note, I would go No Contact for a couple days, unless she contacts you again, then respond after 30 min or so. Be more flirty with her too, tease her, make fun of her, anything along those lines. Your mindset should have very little interest in her, almost like you don't even care at all. If you carry this mindset, you'll be surprised how well it works.

 

[plate's_empty]

She commented that I have been taught well by my ex since she noticed that I was acted like a gentlemen.

This was a sh1t test.

She then asked did you tell him to help you find a gf and I gave her an honest answer, which is, I really don't remember if he took the initiative to help me find one by asking her gf or I asked him to ask her gf. (This is the truth)

So was this. She started laying them on you, once she felt you were starting to make some moves (holding her hand).



Trying not beat a dead horse here, but to recap for future reference, this is what I feel put the nail in the coffin:

Sending pics of the two of you.

Why? If you two had a great date, and her interest level was up, that's when I would send them. "oh yeah, forgot I had these, thought you might want them."

But doing it after a so-so date, where she didn't want you to walk her to the door and she refused a hug, can be seen as creepy.

In her mind, she could be saying: "oh ****, I've got some dude who's got pictures of the two of us and now he's going to be showing all of his friends, possibly putting them up on FB..... I even tried showing even showing him I wasn't interested." Girls read into everything, in this case she's reading into someone who could become a borderline stalker. Even if you're just trying to make it work.

I think exception touched on this:

If you had a great time with her and your interest level is high but she had an okay time, with her interest level being somewhere borderline.....but she knows your interest level is higher than hers and you treat her like her interest level is as high, her interest level will automatically lower.

Follow? lol :crazy:

You are acting unaware that she her interest level is low, after she tried to make it obvious. Either that, or you're trying to instantly raise it, thinking that pictures of you two will do the trick.

She's nexted me and I am going to move on. My friend asked if he should ask her gf to talk to the girl to see whats going on. I told him not to do that since that girl will probably think that I instructed my friend to do so. Do you guys agree with this decision? I am still curious as to why I got nexted although it's probably because I was too desperate.

I think this was a good move. If you happen to run into her again, play it cool, say hi, or give her a head nod, but that's it.

 

[MattB]

Why? If you two had a great date, and her interest level was up, that's when I would send them. "oh yeah, forgot I had these, thought you might want them."
But doing it after a so-so date, where she didn't want you to walk her to the door and she refused a hug, can be seen as creepy.

Yea I fvked up big time there

You are acting unaware that she her interest level is low, after she tried to make it obvious. Either that, or you're trying to instantly raise it, thinking that pictures of you two will do the trick.

For sure, in hindsight it was a retarded thing to do.


So now that she replied to my text I sent a few days ago, should I still bother to reply? Any chance at all to salvage this to raise IL? Seems like either way I gotta stop giving her attention for awhile right?

been out of the loop for too long, really glad to be on this site again.

 

[plate's_empty]

So she texts me back today with a "Hi". How should I play this out? Wait a few days before getting back to her?

Missed that she said that.


Personally I'd wait until she says something more meaningful. She didn't respond to your earlier texts. Definitely don't jump on this one. I'd act as if I never got it. who knows why she sent it. Maybe she was bored and needed some attention. Maybe, not pursuing her, has done the trick.

Ball's still in her court IMO.

 

[Tiguere]

Lay back you got a meaningless text.

 

[Bokanovsky]

At this point I think it's over and I will stop all contacts with her. I just don't know what really went wrong. Although I guess it doesn't really matter at this point, I am kinda curious why her attitude changed so much. Also, if say a week later, she talks to me again, what will be the best way to act?[/B]

I don't think her attitude changed that much...you just misread it at the beginning. It doesn't sound like there was much attraction on her part. She was just going through the motions because her friend arranged the date and she felt like she had to pretend that she was giving you a chance.

 

[nismo-4]

Women who are interested in you won't confuse you.

The fact that you're more into her than she is into you is bad. And that text that you got is just for her to get you as an orbiter. Your princess long went to another castle. You won't get past the moat.

The only thing you can do is drop her ass (she got another man anyway) and move to another one. That's my ruling.

Case closed.

 

[Pimp-sicle]

You asked where you went wrong?

You weren't and are not a CHALLENGE.

Women like men who challenge them.

You showed your full hand way too soon.

Think of a little kid, who wants a toy. When he cries and cries, begs & pleads, and he doesn't get the toy right away, he really gives that toy a lot of value in his mind. If his mom/dad finally gets him that toy after days/weeks of asking/begging for it, he's going to really value that toy for a while right?

Well its the same thing with women.

In your case you gave in right away and she's bored with it all.

Also for the record it sounds like she is simply replying to your "hi" text from the night before.

I wouldn't even reply, go ghost on her for 3-5 days and see if she initiates anything.

Also don't send lame texts like "hi" in the future.









PIMP

 

[MattB]

So I went ghost for 4 days , decided to give one last shot before I next her.

Texted her and told her that I am going to see a movie this Tuesday and asked if she wanna join me.

She got back to me in a few minutes. I made the convo short and sweet and told her that I will pick her up and she said ok.

Anyways if she flakes for whatever reasons then I am completely done with her. If she comes out I will escalate kino and kiss close because at this point I could care less if this relationship is going to work out or not.

And I have taken the advices here that even we if start seeing each others regularly I am still going to try and meet other girls. Need to spin a few plates to avoid this desperation crap in the future.

cheers.