She got offended by questions on first date

[Mr Force Kin]

I don't know if I am being too offensive. I met her off tinder and we texted before the date and everything seemed to be going well and she seemed cool. Turned out she wasn't.

She is from the Philippines, came here 4 years ago, and when I asked her why she came to Canada, she got a little defensive. She came to study English. When I asked her if she spoke any English before she came here, she said: Yes, of course. And why would I ask her such a question? (Because she came here to study English?) Later, I asked her about if it was tough to adjust to the cultural differences, as it was for me; That was basically the end of the date. She didn't really look at me after this and was very cold like I offended her personally.

How is it that some people are so easily offended that they feel like they have to go on the defense. I wasn't born here, but I would never act this way if someone asks questions trying to get to know me. I had challenges in life, but it is what led to me being successful in life and to be who I am today. If anything, I appreciate talking about this. It is a topic I like talking and sharing about because it moves me.

Do I have to be more careful when asking about the past, even if it is an important part of who we are? I don't think my questions were in any way inappropriate. She is definitely the kind of sensitive social justice type. Maybe not my type of girl in a sense, but hot nonetheless. Now I feel kind of guilty, like it was my fault for asking these kinds of questions and make her feel this way.

 

[doubletwice]

I've dated an Filipina for 4+ years.

In this particular case:

Yes, she probably got offended and felt belittled by your questions. It's not a question about asking about the past. Everybody in the Philippines speaks english, asking about cultural differences probably made her feel bad because lots of filipinos feel less important than white people, and she felt you judged her.

In general:
Why focus on those questions on the first date? You shouldn't feel guilty, she was probably just bored. Even if you enjoy it, save those topics to later on..

 

[Bigpapa]

Like @doubletwice mentioned above , the problem was the she is quite sensitive in regards to the topics you started with her , and saw this as a way you showing that you are superior or whatever . But everything is a construct of her imagination

it is nothing wrong with this questions , and for sure the problem was with her , not with you

also women that act like this , make crappy partners , because they have a low self esteeem

next time just keep in mind , that maybe you should not speak about this with women from a low value country , as they are already very sensitive to this kind of subjects

 

[BadBoy89]

When a woman goes on a date with man, she is not there to answer questions about her English. She is there to see if she turns you on.
The only thing a woman cares about is getting attention and attracted the man. Nothing else matters to her.

She is cold because she was wondering why she went on an interview instead of a date. A man is not there to make friends with a woman, he is there to f her so she can’t walk the next day.

Come on men.

 

[Kotaix]

Sounds like someone who has swallowed the intersectionality pill, and given that she has been to university that's hardly surprising. My "boss" is a total blue-pilled soccer mom. I once asked one of our co-workers where she was from (she's from Hong Kong and has an accent) and my boss said I couldn't ask people that. I told her that sure I could, given that I'm also a foreigner, which shut her right up.

DO NOT be more careful when you ask about a woman's past. If they get offended over something that minor, fvck 'em. Next.

If you put getting vagina and her sensitivities over your own principles and intuition then you will become a beta male.

 

[Bigpapa]

When a woman goes on a date with man, she is not there to answer questions about her English. She is there to see if she turns you on.
The only thing a woman cares about is getting attention and attracted the man. Nothing else matters to her.

So she cold because she was wondering why she went on a interview instead of a date. A man is not there to make friends with a woman, he is there to f her so she can’t walk the next day.

Come on men.

most Likely he was just trying to build some rapport with her

I would not say that it is necessarily a mistake from his end . The main problem was with the girl being over sensitive in regards to her ethnicity and past .

This could have been easily avoided , I totally agree with you , but her sensitivity would still surface , and him ending up in the same situation

 

[Epimanes]

Disaster averted..... next

 

[SirBigBell]

I don't know if I am being too offensive. I met her off tinder and we texted before the date and everything seemed to be going well and she seemed cool. Turned out she wasn't.

She is from the Philippines, came here 4 years ago, and when I asked her why she came to Canada, she got a little defensive. She came to study English. When I asked her if she spoke any English before she came here, she said: Yes, of course. And why would I ask her such a question? (Because she came here to study English?) Later, I asked her about if it was tough to adjust to the cultural differences, as it was for me; That was basically the end of the date. She didn't really look at me after this and was very cold like I offended her personally.

How is it that some people are so easily offended that they feel like they have to go on the defense. I wasn't born here, but I would never act this way if someone asks questions trying to get to know me. I had challenges in life, but it is what led to me being successful in life and to be who I am today. If anything, I appreciate talking about this. It is a topic I like talking and sharing about because it moves me.

Do I have to be more careful when asking about the past, even if it is an important part of who we are? I don't think my questions were in any way inappropriate. She is definitely the kind of sensitive social justice type. Maybe not my type of girl in a sense, but hot nonetheless. Now I feel kind of guilty, like it was my fault for asking these kinds of questions and make her feel this way.

I think you are within your rights to be a bit taken aback by her reaction to what seemed like tame basic questions. I will however hopefully try to help you to understand why she reacted the way she did.

Most foreigners coming from low income countries to the West experience judgement from the moment they land at the airport. Immigration officials right off the bat scrutinise their reasons for coming with scepticism and suspicion, nomatter how genuine they may actually be. From the airport, they dive into a society awash with a strong anti-immigrant undercurrent.

The experience is even more unpleasant for those whose command of English is sketchy. Most of their encounters with locals in supermarkets, on public transport, and in other public services are peppered with a slight hint of subconscious patronisation which leaves them feeling second class. And most locals who ask “where are you from?” do so with a little silent aura (again mostly subconscious) which says “arent you lucky to be here?”

Thin laters of these negative feelings from these daily encounters keep stratifying over time until the foreigner finds a way to avoid certain conversations or questions, as a way of protecting themselves.

So by the time you met this lady and asked what you thought were basic plain questions, her natural self-preservation reflexes kicked in, resulting in the flight evasive reaction you got.

When dealing with foreigners in the West, the correct approach to take is maintain centre ground and let them volunteer information to you. They will open up more to you as they get to know you better and trust you.

Westerners going to low income countries dont experience the under-current of negative judgement or suspicion, due to basic economic power principles.If you go to the Phillipines, nobody is going to think “he’s come here to steal our jobs or to grab this or that from us.” People over there welcome you with warm smiles as a guest and will go out of their way to help you enjoy your visit.

See the difference?
I hope this has helped.

 

[Epimanes]

When people show you who they are..... believe them...

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Bro these lil filipinas all you do is smile and nod, you let them lead, they are very expressive people and will show interest to the point where its weird, like go away.

 

[Alvafe]

yes op did nothing wrong, again he made questions, she feels bad, almost like she was hidding something, he was screening her, and she failed, if he wanted anything more then just a lay, now he knows she is only worthy for bed fun and nothing else.

too many guys here are scared to not entretain females, wrong mindset, she is the one who need to grab your atencion if not another woman will do, in ope case screening was a success, he don't need to waste time on her, next

 

[EyeBRollin]

Those are bad questions. Stay off race, religion, and politics until after you fvck her.

 

[Bokanovsky]

I don't know if I am being too offensive. I met her off tinder and we texted before the date and everything seemed to be going well and she seemed cool. Turned out she wasn't.

She is from the Philippines, came here 4 years ago, and when I asked her why she came to Canada, she got a little defensive. She came to study English. When I asked her if she spoke any English before she came here, she said: Yes, of course. And why would I ask her such a question? (Because she came here to study English?) Later, I asked her about if it was tough to adjust to the cultural differences, as it was for me; That was basically the end of the date. She didn't really look at me after this and was very cold like I offended her personally.

How is it that some people are so easily offended that they feel like they have to go on the defense. I wasn't born here, but I would never act this way if someone asks questions trying to get to know me. I had challenges in life, but it is what led to me being successful in life and to be who I am today. If anything, I appreciate talking about this. It is a topic I like talking and sharing about because it moves me.

Do I have to be more careful when asking about the past, even if it is an important part of who we are? I don't think my questions were in any way inappropriate. She is definitely the kind of sensitive social justice type. Maybe not my type of girl in a sense, but hot nonetheless. Now I feel kind of guilty, like it was my fault for asking these kinds of questions and make her feel this way.

A few things that are pontentially going on here. First, some immigrants are insecure about the fact that they are immigrants. You probing her about her background and how she came to Canada could have sent her insecurities into overdrive. Also, as you probably know, no one come to Canada to "study English". That's just a way to get one's foot in the door. The ultimate objective is to stay here (by getting work papers or perhaps marrying someone who already has a citizenship). She may have felt that you were too inquisitive and questioning her motives.

 

[Modern Man Advice]

I don't know if I am being too offensive. I met her off tinder and we texted before the date and everything seemed to be going well and she seemed cool. Turned out she wasn't.

She is from the Philippines, came here 4 years ago, and when I asked her why she came to Canada, she got a little defensive. She came to study English. When I asked her if she spoke any English before she came here, she said: Yes, of course. And why would I ask her such a question? (Because she came here to study English?) Later, I asked her about if it was tough to adjust to the cultural differences, as it was for me; That was basically the end of the date. She didn't really look at me after this and was very cold like I offended her personally.

How is it that some people are so easily offended that they feel like they have to go on the defense. I wasn't born here, but I would never act this way if someone asks questions trying to get to know me. I had challenges in life, but it is what led to me being successful in life and to be who I am today. If anything, I appreciate talking about this. It is a topic I like talking and sharing about because it moves me.

Do I have to be more careful when asking about the past, even if it is an important part of who we are? I don't think my questions were in any way inappropriate. She is definitely the kind of sensitive social justice type. Maybe not my type of girl in a sense, but hot nonetheless. Now I feel kind of guilty, like it was my fault for asking these kinds of questions and make her feel this way.

You, my friend, do not have to be more careful. Those are completely normal questions when you want to know the person. It is not you, or anybody else's, problem if she has persecution anxiety. People nowadays are way too sensitive and polarized. We can't be stressing ourselves, or tiptoeing because someone is not confident and has issues. That being said, there is a fine line and we need to have more emotional intelligence. If you notice a pattern that is sensitive to someone, then change the subject, but if this is a recurring trend in the person, then do not even spend another minute with them. Move on and focus your attention elsewhere, ideally yourself and your hobbies.

Hope this helps,
Modern Man Advice

 

[rjc149]

She shows up to a date, expecting to have a good night out flirting, laughing, being playful, and hopefully escalating into something more...

Instead, her date is Canadian Immigration and Customs Enforcement, who promptly subjects her to an interrogation about her ethnicity, national origin, English language proficiency and motives for immigrating.

Not hot dude.

A girl's race, ethnicity, religion, and national origin are extremely poor topics of conversation on a date. It couldn't be less charming. If she doesn't get offended by the unwanted prying into her personal information (like this girl did), she'll lose interest quite rapidly by your utter lack of social IQ and take her leave at the next opportunity.

Guys think that they need to "get to know" a girl on a first date. They think they then need to interrogate her, pepper her with lots of questions about this, that, her past, what she wants out of life, and then try to have some profound, meaningful connection that will lead to sex. It doesn't. It leads to ghosting, or best case, the friend zone.

When you meet for a date with an ethnic minority or foreign national, SHE IS JUST LIKE ANY OTHER GIRL. So, you flirt, banter, tease, and escalate AS IF SHE WERE ANY OTHER GIRL. NOT a [race/nationality] girl. Once you have rapport, then you can start showing interest in her life trajectory. You do not build rapport with a minority by asking them about being a minority.

Being curious about a girl's race does not impress her.

It's not that what you said was offensive per se, or supremacist or politically incorrect. It was just bad game.

You have one goal on a first date -- flirt, banter, tease, be playful, create sexual tension, and act on that sexual tension. You're not there to become her closest life confidant.

 

[Alvafe]

wow half people on this topic alone are afraid to screen woman, they want to follow the script just to not risk to lose a lay, that my friends is called scarcity mindset, again is the wrong mindset you want to have

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Growing up my Mom always used to tell me "It's not what you said, it's how you said it" when I used to get mad at her and say something she didn't like.

I'd be willing to bet this might be the case here as well...

About 15 years ago I managed a retail store where we used to have customers that we would see on a weekly basis and developed pretty good relationships with. My one assistant manager used to say the craziest things to people that sometimes I was almost shocked to hear...the kind of thing that most people would have gotten punched in the face for... but when he did it, the customers LOVED it...he would say it in a way that was funny and laugh while he did it with a huge smile on his face and he would talk to them like he was their best friend and they would think it was hilarious.

The point is that you can say almost anything to anyone if you get them to like you first and you do it in the right way with a smile on your face.

The issue wasn't with what you said but rather how you said it or approached it. Most likely she felt as if she was being interviewed or interrogated.

 

[ubercat]

Well it's all live and learn. I ve had the pleasure of a couple of philipino ladies and got touchy with them early on first date. How did that side go?

 

[corrector]

From my cousin's experience and what I understand about Filipina women out (Filipina barber I heard through my dad) there is that a number of them grow up in deep poverty and are emotionally scarred because of the deprivation in how they are growing up. In some of these countries they sell their daughters in order to buy a TV (heard that in a documentary). People get really sensitive when you get personal if they have a hard life there.

 

[coyote_astro]

Honestly sounds like she's very insecure about these issues and you hit a nerve.
Of course we can't possibly know the way in which you asked these questions: it matters whether you asked those things in a normal casual tone or whether you went full-on interrogation mode.

If you were not creepy or weird in your communication, then it's her problem.
Since I am an immigrant in the US, I love talking about these topics in my dates, and it always goes well. The girls are interested in the cultural differences, and if/when they are also not from around here, it works even better as this is something we have in common.