She doesn't want to get physical, I don't want to express emotions. Now what?

[Yeah OK]

Ok, so lately I've been 'spinning plates' for the very first time in my life in an attempt to distract myself from my current oneitis situation.

As a result, I met a girl who may actually suit me better in terms of compatibility than my oneitis, although I've only been on 4 dates with her. I'm from the U.S., she's from France. She's a very blunt person and has told me repeatedly to "cut the bullsh*t"... she seems to want me to tell her how I feel about her, which I have done my best to avoid doing.

When she says "cut the bullsh*t" to me I totally understand what she means, because I have admittedly been playing constant games with her, I'm overly playful, and I've messed with her head so much I can only describe it as mindf*cking. She says that I stay detached from her, and I'd say that's an accurate statement.

My problem:

I can do C&F on this chick all day long, show her my genuine side (as long as it does NOT entail me sharing any emotions I may or may not have for her), and I know she's had a great time going out with me (despite the many moments she's been pissed off at the endless amount of mindgames I've been playing).

She doesn't seem to want to do anything physical with me (we haven't kissed nor had sex... and I've tried to get both unsuccessfully) until I open myself up emotionally. On the other hand, I don't want to open myself up emotionally until we've gotten physical... I don't think a kiss would kill her.

She told me she found it attractive that I didn't reveal too much in the beginning (she's tried numerous times to get me to reveal what I feel for her), but that if I hold back for too long eventually she'll get too frustrated and give up.

So, what should I do? I'm not in-love with this girl by any means, but I enjoy spending my time with her. I've told her "so far so good" concerning our dating, but that doesn't seem to be a satisfactory answer. I want to hold my frame and don't want to supplicate to her when nothing physical has even happened, but part of me thinks I should at least ease up on the mindgames a bit.

What would be your course of action DJs?

 

[f283000]

4 dates and still not even a kiss? I think we all know who's fault this is and it is yours! You have to take responsibility as a man for this. Women are not going to make the move they let and expect guys to make the move. This is how the game works. You not getting a kiss is the most likely result of your failure to show yourself as a sexual being/not creating enough attraction/not escalating earlier in the dating. Whatever the case may be if a girl is willing to go out with you so many times she is hoping for you to be a man sooner or later before she pulls the friend card on you. Don't blame the girl for this. That same girl would suck off some guy she just met at a party if he hit all the right buttons. You push all the right buttons you can make love to any woman the day you meet them.

I suggest you use the 2 strikes rule. Try to escalate again and if she refuses your advances you should next her unless having another female friend is your thing.

 

[Scars]

Alright man, I see a few problems here. First off, C+F all day? Why? That sh!t is used to get a girl attracted, she obviously is, for once the girl is right. Cut the bullsh!t there's no need for it now. Still be playful and stand your ground as a man, but if you keep teasing her constantly she's going to think you are just a big head game, which already seems to be the problem here. The reason she wont get physical with you is because you guys are missing that COMFORT factor. I hate to bring up MM, but for the basic skeleton of things he has it right. Attraction, comfort, seduce. You have the attraction part, now you need to gain a little bit of comfort. Girls wont sleep with guys they don't TRUST, at least most don't. It seems like you have a pretty decent girl for the moment though. Lay back on the BS, and show her a little more affection. Pull the whole "it takes me awhile to open up to people" line or what have you. Works for me. Start showing some sincerity, but don't be a "nice guy". Just nice enough to get into her pants. Good luck.

-Scars

 

[schttrj]

ATTENTION YOU:

I have a question for you: Do you think opening yourself and being a bit vulnerable will make you lose your value?

 

[Blue Phoenix]

She's a very blunt person and has told me repeatedly to "cut the bullsh*t"... she seems to want me to tell her how I feel about her, which I have done my best to avoid doing.

What would be your course of action DJs?

Don´t tell her how you feel, show her (flirt, etc). You don´t need to justify yourself to her. She´s the one playing games as she wants you to reveal your cards while you´re kept in the dark about her.

 

[DonGorgon]

NOw ... its done... any time a woman wont F you its time to move on cause she is Fing someone and its not you.... Women show attraction by Fing you.. when the Fing stops its over.. but most men are to desperate to quickly accept that fact and dont have any other options for sex so they hang on until that get stabbed in the heart ..

 

[ENIGMA16]

I think you've taken this DJ stuff too far. Yes, you need to keep a certain mindset and a certain state of being, but you have to realize that most of what you're supposed to do as posted on this forum are to get the girl attracted. A lot of these rules are things that don't really apply once you want to take the relationship to the next level (NOTE: I said "a lot" and not "all"). There is absolutely nothing wrong with opening yourself up to a woman and letting her know how you feel about her! The issue is how you go about doing it, and how you maintain the confident independent mindset while doing so.

Look, there's a huge difference between oneitis and building a healthy attachment to a woman; the former breeds inside of you a fear of losing her, while the latter allows you to maintain the mindset that you are ready to step away from the relationship at any time provided that it isn't working for you. You just have to learn how to walk that line, and that involves being completely confident in yourself and your life outside of the relationship. If you are completely confident in yourself then you will realize that this attraction/relationship is an enhancement to your life and that your life isn't dependent upon it.

The confusing thing about this to a lot of people is that they think that attachment automatically means oneitis, and that therefore they have to maintain a certain level of distance in order to not fall into the terrifying oneitis trap. This just isn't how it works; you can have attraction and attachment without having oneitis. It just depends on how you handle it.

 

[Yeah OK]

Thanks for all the replies guys, a lot of the posts gave me some much-needed perspective.

I have a question for you: Do you think opening yourself and being a bit vulnerable will make you lose your value?

That's a very tough question for me... when I first read it I wanted to say yes. But, after thinking about it a bit more, I'd say I don't think it will make me lose my value... I think it's more to avoid a past tendency of mine to share my feelings with a girl I'm interested in too quickly. After a few bad experiences with this I eventually decided I would never be the one to share my emotions first.

I've been especially adamant in not sharing my emotions with this girl because I don't really know what I would tell her... I like going out with her, but I'm by no means in-love with her. To be honest, even calling it a "crush" would be a stretch. I originally started dating her because we had good rapport when I met her, she's attractive, and that I thought it would be good to distract myself from the oneitis I currently have for someone else. I continue to date this girl for these exact same reasons, in addition to enjoying the time I spend with her.

if you keep teasing her constantly she's going to think you are just a big head game, which already seems to be the problem here. The reason she wont get physical with you is because you guys are missing that COMFORT factor. I hate to bring up MM, but for the basic skeleton of things he has it right. Attraction, comfort, seduce. You have the attraction part, now you need to gain a little bit of comfort. Girls wont sleep with guys they don't TRUST, at least most don't.

I accidentally bumped into the girl again since making this thread, and I would say your post is/was an accurate assessment of my situation. Almost all of my friends are female, and she told me that she's been trying to get me to tell her how I feel about her because she wasn't sure if I do these sorts of "dates" and attempts at kissing & sex with every girl I meet or not.

It's funny, I made this semi-long post and I ended up merely telling her that "I'm interested in you"... seems that's all she needed to know. Afterwards she was rubbing my neck and running her hands through my hair, and when I see her this week for an actual date I don't think she'll reject my kiss attempts (and maybe not my f-close attempts either) any longer. Seems this may have all been an issue of her being able to trust my true intentions...